1yr old no tears at new nursery, insecure attachment?

[ChesneyHawwkes]

DS just started nursery. Settling went well, no tears, key worker remarked how he just wandered odd to play and didnt look back at me once. Great, he's comfortable i thought! Week 1, no tears, no looking back at drop off. When pucking up, he's calmly handed back to me. Key worker said it was very unusual for there to be no tears at all ob first day I've now googled this, does he have an insecure attachment?? He is a happy little lad, lots of smiles and cuddles with me when at home but not much sign of any separation anxiety yet. I struggled to bond first couple of months and DH did a lot of the night time settling, feeds. Thought we were well clear of this but could i potentially harmed our attachment? Is it unusual to settle to nursery straight away ? Argh, TIA everyone

You’re right. Unfortunately threads like this invite those in a similar position to pat themselves on the back on the thread. Remember that it doesn’t matter what people on MN say - they are not qualified to make an assessment of attachment. You don’t need anyone’s views but your own. Sounds like you’ve done a great job if you did all those things (me too) 🤍

OP this is what psychologists and psychotherapists would look at when assessing attachment.

OP isn't asking about attachment disorder, she is asking g about an insecure attachment. They are very different. Roughly 40% of the population have an insecure attachment- many of whom had loving doting parents. Attachment disorder is much rarer and you are correct in that it would be from neglect or abuse.

Mine started nursery at 3 months, he's nearly 17 months now and has never cried at drop off. Nursery have always looked at it as a positive thing that he's so happy and settled.

Think yourself very grateful that he is so happy. Stop looking for crying, just be happy he is happy

I'm a childminder, all of my little ones are different.
Some cry a lot when the parent leaves but stop the moment they know they are out of earshot.
Others come to me without any tears but also run happily to their parent on collection.
One goes through phases, as a baby he didn't cry at drop off but as he got to 18m he started doing 1 day a week at nursery and I think he learnt a new trick from some of the others arriving there and he's done it on and off for the last 9 months but it's all for show 😂

Neither of my sons showed any distress when I left them at the childminder, at nursery or at school. Never occurred to me to worry - I felt sorry for the mum's who had to deal with sobbing kids.

My sons are now fully grown men and our bond is lovely.

Please don't worry.

This is a prime example of how us parents love to beat ourselves up. It sounds like your doing a great job, try not to stress x

I used to say my DS would've gone off with any stranger who smiled at him and said hello! 🤣 He never seemed to miss me or cry and adapted well to every new situation and childcare setting. He's 18 and just a very chilled out easy happy go lucky lad. We're close and he's a lovely boy who makes friends easily and takes the world in his stride.

Neither of mine ever cried! DD1 is super social and curious and just loved every minute from day 1, DD2 very chill and exploratory (though less extroverted) and had her sister there so took it in her fascinated stride. They are now 5 and 2.5 and we’re super close - both real mummy's girls at home but still very confident /exploratory when out, it's just who they are ! There is a school of thought that children have to have a very secure attachment to have that kind of confidence to branch out, too (though personally i think it just comes down to individual personalities!). In summary I wouldn't worry OP, some kids just love nursery and it's ok to take that win!

Attachment side I would say it is secure attachement so he does not think you are leaving him, and will be there when it is time to pick up.
My little one was like that, she started nursery when she was around 14 months so not so young and also just before starting nursery we spend almost 3 months with my parents abroad and my husband stayed in the UK so it was just me and her. On her first day she just waved us good bye and went in there and was happy when we picked her up. Due to logistic we are using a second nursery on some days of the week and they were very worried as we had limited time for settling in sessions, but she was just fine settling in there as well.

My only worry was nap times as she always wanted someone with her to sleep and was too noise sensitive at home. But apparently she can adapt to different circumstances and started to fall asleep on her own for her naps.

When I see a child who is outgoing and ready for new experiences, I know that child has been parented right. It's the ones who cling and cry who worry me.

You are a great mum!
You socialised him at babygroups for confidence and familiarity with group settings. You picked a good nursery and made sure he was happy there. You explained how it would work and that you would be back at tea time. You did not show him YOUR anxiety. He heard/ felt all this, and went in happily. You did a great job.
I bet you also talk to him about his day, and praise his drawings etc
As you say, he has a placid personality like his dad.

As so many others have said, former nursery teacher, not uncommon. Bless you that you have worried and it seems that you though it could have arisen from your hubby doing many of the feeds... absolutely not, it's a far more complex than this. If anything I would say children who didn't cry were more secure, they already trusted that their parents would be back for them. Either that or they were just naturally more chill personalities. I reckon from info in your replies it's a combo of both here, you've made him a very secure, happy child and he is chill.

My daughter started her first childcare setting just before she turned 3 and she has never once cried or been sad at all about going.

Oh bugger off with your judgement and ‘worry’. Parents with kids who want only them and prefer them to anyone else don’t need your concern (and preferring the person who loves you most in the world to anybody else doesn’t seem that ‘worrying’ to me)

Children who are fine at nursery still prefer their parents to anybody else. It doesn't have to be either/or.

I believe it is because you have created a secure attachment that he doesn’t feel the need to cry as he is confident and knows he has you 100% if that makes sense.

There is a huge difference between clinging and crying and preferring.

That is true. I still stand by the rest of my statement though. Unless you’re a social worker / nursery worker / teacher no one else needs your ‘worry’ about their and their child’s attachment. Believe me, those of us with clingers are doing enough worrying of our own without your unnecessary and unhelpful judgement, in real life and online. OP, sorry for derailing and I’ll reiterate my original comment - your son sounds lovely and you sound like you’re doing a brilliant job. I think that point can be made without shitting on other parents and children, is all.

I also have a younger DD who is the opposite and still a cling on aged 8- I call her a helicopter child! 🤣 Sometimes kids are just different personalities.