1yr old no tears at new nursery, insecure attachment?

[ChesneyHawwkes]

DS just started nursery. Settling went well, no tears, key worker remarked how he just wandered odd to play and didnt look back at me once. Great, he's comfortable i thought! Week 1, no tears, no looking back at drop off. When pucking up, he's calmly handed back to me. Key worker said it was very unusual for there to be no tears at all ob first day I've now googled this, does he have an insecure attachment?? He is a happy little lad, lots of smiles and cuddles with me when at home but not much sign of any separation anxiety yet. I struggled to bond first couple of months and DH did a lot of the night time settling, feeds. Thought we were well clear of this but could i potentially harmed our attachment? Is it unusual to settle to nursery straight away ? Argh, TIA everyone

My three were all fine starting nursery ,no tears .

Neither of my DS cried when they started nursery. They were a bit hesitant at first but realised it was fun and loved it.

My two year old started nursery after Easter and first day she shoved me out the way to get through the door. She never once looked back. You're doing nothing wrong. Some kids are just more confident and content.

Thank you for your reply

This made me smile and i can completely relate.

These anecdotes have really helped, thanks so much <3

What happened when he was little and how long did that period last for? What happened after that?

Do you feel close to him now?

The crying or lack isn’t necessarily a sign of secure attachment but your immediate response shouldn’t be dismissed.

DC2 started nursery at 10 months and was absolutely fine. No tears whatsoever.

A few weeks in though he obviously started to click that this is where he gets left and he did start crying at both drop off and pick up. This is also normal and only lasted a couple of weeks until he felt secure enough to realise yes, this is where he gets left, but it's nice and he gets looked after by staff he had good attachments to, and understood he would get picked up again by mum or dad later.

Like your DC he's mostly a pretty confident extrovert personality and always been super sociable. Completely different and far less stressful than my experience with DC1!

I work 3 days a week. The other 4 my one year old is superglued to me. Cries at her Dad, just wants me. She goes to nursery in her 3 days as happy as Larry, she’s been going since she was 8 months and never cries.
My 4 year old started nursery at 6 months. She’s never been bothered about me, Daddy’s girl from birth. I also struggled to bond at the very start. She went through stages of being really happy to go to nursery or crying her eyes out.
I wouldn’t read too much into it. It could all change in a few weeks anyway!
Just to add my one year old is way more confident than my 4 year old. If we go somewhere like an event at the library my 4 year old will stay right by my side. My one year old likes to plonk herself front and centre 😂

I studied attachment theories at university. While it is normal for children to cry a bit when dropped off at nursery, it’s actually more concerning when they’re inconsolable for a long period of time. It shows that they don’t trust that their parent will come back (though obviously this can be normal too if they’re still settling in). It sounds as though your little boy has a secure attachment and trusts you to come back for him. And his personality will be a factor as well. He may just be more independent than most children his age, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If he seems happy in himself I honestly wouldn’t worry.

My eldest didn't cry at all, my second only did a couple of times. They were both still breastfeeding when they began nursery and otherwise very attached to me and their dad, had never even been babysat by someone else etc.
I think you've just done a good job of raising a secure child who's naturally disposed to be a bit more comfortable with this new environment.

I’d say that shows you’re doing a good job, he feels happy and secure, knows he’ll have a fun day and he’ll see you later. I really want my kids to be independent and enjoy being with others

This has definitely more to do with personality than attachment. If your kid doesn’t cry at drop off, it doesn’t mean they don’t have a secure attachment. If your kid does cry and needs to be peeled off you, it also doesn’t mean they don’t have a secure attachment. They’re just all different, personally I had one of each 😂 And as a note, the one who was always super chill going into nursery at first (started age 1) had several phases here and there where drop off was awful. Never lasted long thankfully! But just be aware you might not be in the clear entirely 🫣

I think the nursery worker was just trying to make you feel better. It’s definitely normal. I’ve got 3 children that all went to/still at nursery, 2 of them didn’t shed a single tear and were more than happy to go. In fact, my 18 month old shouts bye at me the second I open the car door when I pull up outside nursery now!

It's quite normal for some to cry and some not to cry. Mine were both happy to go to nursery and school, no looking back. I think in the case of attachment disorders it would be extreme upset that might indicate insecure attachment....but a child who gets upset doesn't automatically have an insecure attachment.

My now ten year old twins didn’t bat an eyelid at nursery drop off. I have the loveliest bond with them - they’re just happy, confident kids. All reactions to nursery are ‘normal’ - crying, screaming, taking it in their stride, being a bit quieter than usual. Ignore the unhelpful comment from the nursery worker

Unfortunately that’s not true, insecure attachment doesn’t only happen for children who have been abused or neglected. It’s true that a child who has been brought up with responsive caregivers who provide ‘good enough’ parenting for at least 40% of the time will have a secure attachment but there are many reasons for issues other than abuse or neglect.

Neither of my children cried going to day care, nursery or school. They were both happy, social children who loved being in different places and knew they were safe.

Your husband provided that (more than) good enough care in the months you felt you were unable to so your baby’s attachment developed as it should. It doesn’t have to be Mum who does that job it needs to be an attuned safe caregiver. Even if you felt you struggled to bond I bet you did all the things your baby needed you to do like respond when they cried, address their needs and interact with them.

I think it’s a sign of good attachment. DD bawled her eyes out and I worried for ages that she had insecure attachment.

Nope, this was my daughter when she went to nursery at 10 months. I’m a social worker with training in attachment.
If anything it’s a sign of secure attachment.
That they can feel secure with other adults means they have learned they are deserving of care because the care they receive has been sensitive and attuned and they can trust other adults to meet their needs.
Thats not to say that children who struggle more with the transition are insecurely attached either, not at all. Other factors are at play too such as temperament and experience of being cared for by others.

My daughter didn’t cry originally but did further down the line but was always ok as soon as she couldn’t see me haha.
it’s definitely not a bad thing if they don’t get upset

My daughter cried, screamed and begged not to go into nursery every day for what seemed like months

My Son goes in very happily without looking back

I know which scenario I prefer

Does he seek you when he's scared or upset usually? Does he use you as a comfort base in unfamiliar situations? That's what's more important when judging attachment.

Let's say you and him are out together and a stranger approached him, would he turn to you for reassurance?

Does he accept comfort from you? So, if he's scared and runs to you for comfort, does your presence settle him?

You have raised a secure and confident child who has such a strong bond with you that he trusts where you are taking him and trusts you’ll come back for him. This is a good thing OP, stop overthinking!

Absolutely not! My oldest didn’t look back, first day at kindi (not uk) 2yr 8 month she ran off and got upset I was picking her up. She’d been going to a childminder from 7 months. There were loads of times she’d cry at home time and not want to come home. She is actually a real Mummy’s girl and my shadow, she’s 12 now. Bothe primary and secondary school first days were the same, no looking back, telling me to bugger off. She’s confident in the knowledge I will always be coming back for her.

My 2nd bawled her eyes out, screamed like I was leaving her forever. The moment I was out of sign she was all smiles. I held back a few times to see if this was really happening and it was.

Neither of mine cried at nursery, very happy well rounded young adults who I have a great relationship with

I think you’re overthinking this

I've looked after a good number who didn't bat an eye when dropped off. Imo it shows a really secure attachment to you, happy to be left because he knows you'll be back for him.