1yr old no tears at new nursery, insecure attachment?

[ChesneyHawwkes]

DS just started nursery. Settling went well, no tears, key worker remarked how he just wandered odd to play and didnt look back at me once. Great, he's comfortable i thought! Week 1, no tears, no looking back at drop off. When pucking up, he's calmly handed back to me. Key worker said it was very unusual for there to be no tears at all ob first day I've now googled this, does he have an insecure attachment?? He is a happy little lad, lots of smiles and cuddles with me when at home but not much sign of any separation anxiety yet. I struggled to bond first couple of months and DH did a lot of the night time settling, feeds. Thought we were well clear of this but could i potentially harmed our attachment? Is it unusual to settle to nursery straight away ? Argh, TIA everyone

I think it depends on the experiences a child has had prior to starting nursery, as well as their personality. If a child has a big family and is used to being left with other adults, they will be used to forming bonds with other adults and be less concerned about their parent leaving, as they have experienced it before.

We never left my DD because we don’t have family in our country (we are expats) and I don’t agree with leaving a young child with a babysitter/nanny. As a result, she found starting part time nursery (at 3) tough, as she had no experience of being away from DH or me. I had to support her a lot with the transition and to be honest only continued with it to prepare her for school (I don’t really agree with nursery for young children either although I appreciate many don’t have any other options).

I know that many on here have come out in support of OP, but we sought advice from a child psychiatrist who told us that her behaviour indicated a very strong attachment to us. She also said that the children who do not run straight in are usually the brighter ones as they assess a situation first, rather than simply being distracted by toys.

My eldest DC went in overjoyed to be at nursery every day, she never cried when I dropped her off, although occasionally she cried when I collected her because she didn't want to leave. She's skipped off happily to high school this year with no wobbles at all, she's really enjoying that too. Some kids just enjoy new things more than others.

I would say the opposite is true, OP.

He's happy to go to nursery because he knows you haven't abandoned him.

I agree. Please don't look for demons where there are none. Enjoy your happy secure little boy.

My son didn't cry at all starting nursery. The first day he went straight in and didn't look back but it was more because he thought it was another play group and thought I was behind him. Apparently he got a bit worried once he realised I wasn't there but quickly distracted by cars. The next time he knew I was leaving and had a quiver in his voice when he said bye, but still no tears, then running in ever since, your boy may be the same. Now been at nursery for nearly two years and loves it, no relationship issues with us, can still be clingy at times usually when tired or unwell. I wouldn't worry

Mine didn’t cry either, he was excited to go on a new adventure.

In both settings he started fussing 6 months later when it was old hat and he’d rather be at home. One staff member used to send me WhatsApps with pictures 5 mins after I’d left of him playing happily with no tears.

I’ve one child who’s a baller, cries at everything. Cried at drop off for months and months after starting nursery. In stark contrast to my second who just runs off to play! Although he did cry on pick up strangely a few times when younger but not drop off. Kids eh!

My eldest never cried, he just got on with things. He is now year 6 and he is the most confident kid, hes super sociable, not scared to talk to anyone, loads of friends and just loves meeting new people and exploring new places. My youngest is shy and never would go into nursery without crying. I think its personality types with some added nurture factors, things we dis differently from the first to the second (lockdown happened when the second was in the middle of nursery years), youve just got a sociable explorer type, embrace it :)

No you haven’t affected the bond, in fact I think it’s probably just a sign he’s a happy little boy with a secure attachment to you. He has the confidence to go and explore new things knowing you will come and get him. I have a 3.5 year old and 18 month old. My oldest went into nursery fine, no tears but my youngest cried. I did the same thing with both of them 🤷‍♀️ you sound like you’re doing great 😊

My DC is like this, I arranged settling sessions with her nanny when she was 1, only looked after by me, DH and my parents. Within 5 minutes it was clear she didn’t care AT ALL if I just left. As an older child, she literally skips singing into school every day, whereas some kids still cry at drop off, regularly tells me to please leave when she has another caregiver because I am “spoiling her time with granny/nanny.” It is SO MUCH easier having a non clingy child than a clingy one! I think it is actually a sign that she is very secure, she’s equally happy to see us at the end of the day, but she’s not scared of new things/people and that seems like a great way to be!

First day at the childminders my then 1 year old DD strolled in and shut the door in my face, I was the one in tears 😅
DS is the same, neither have had any trouble settling into pre-school/school.

Sounds like you have a happy confident little one with a very secure attachment!

Wish I’d never commented now so I wouldn’t get alerts - those of us who have children who cried for months haven’t failed at raising confident, happy children either and I don’t think my child is insecurely attached to me. Or at least if he is, I am at a loss as to what else I could have done. Breastfed on demand, never left to cry, no sleep training, warm and responsive (as much as possible - I’ve definitely snapped and not been as patient as I’d like more than I’d like). Children are just different. Mine is a home bird. That’s not bad. He loves to explore with us, he’d just always rather be with us than anyone or anywhere else (apart from Grandma)

Think just how lucky you are. Its brilliant he's confident to rub off and leave you.

My oldest started at 9 months, never cried once at drop off, tho cried everytime I picked her up when she saw me, probably until at least 14 months.

She's now 2.5 she's been almost skipping in and rushing straight off no backwards glance for months and months now.

Youngest is just turned 1, she started at 10 months. She cried every single time at drop off, tries to cling to me, poor thing. I get out as quick as possible, as she settles within seconds/minutes (I look through the window). She cries most pickups, tho I get to see her happy playing until she spots me.

First only wanted me,not her dad for well over a year. If I was around it was only me she seemed to care about until over a year. Oldest hasn't favoured me over her dad from a few weeks old, until separation anxiety for just me started at around 10 months, typically around the same time she started nursery.. hopefully not too much left of that, it's sweet but draining

this is a non issue. Just be happy he’s settled. He’ll get older & it might change then you’ll be wishing you were back here again.

I’m a childminder so had to settle many children in my time doing the job. Although it can signify a lack of attachment (quite often autistic kids have this emotional detachment as well as neglected kids) it is generally not the case. Some kids are just very happy and confident that their parents will return for them if they’ve had babysitters etc or even just parents sharing the care rather than just the one, sometimes kids are very developed and understand the situation and other times kids haven’t yet reached the separation anxiety stage yet. I wouldn’t be so concerned and just enjoy the fact that your son isn’t making you feel awful by screaming at handover.

You mean secure attachment. He trusts you and knows for certain you are coming back for him. Stop worrying. Well done you.
Ps. It is NOT unusual for no tears in a well prepared for the event child.

Me again actually you may find a fews weeks in he may have a slight change if heart. Very normal just carry on as you are doing.

Just going to add my 2 cents here… I work in a nursery. Have worked with children for 21 years. The key worker should not have said that to you. It’s not unusual for children not to cry. It shows how secure your child is and how comfortable they are in their new environment. On the flip side I’ve seen children throw tantrums over their parents leaving then as soon as the parent is gone, they get up and play like nothing happened. Very unpredictable ☺️

I've never heard of insecure attachment. There's a label for everything these days.
I'd just think my child was happy to go to nursery if it didn't cry. The alternative is heart wrenching.

I would have thought the exact opposite, that he is a very secure boy.

She's talking shit - it's not unusual AT ALL for kids not to cry on their first day.

My first went off without a care in the world, my second acted like it was my last day on earth and he'd never see me again every day all through RECEPTION.

My two DD didn’t cry on their first day of nursery or school. They were just happy confident little girls who were excited.

Hopefully it continues like that
My little girl started very happily
Then had a little set back a few weeks in
Had a rough 2 weeks
Then settled back nicely after that
So, I guess everyone's different

none of my three cried at drop off - they all loved nursery. Sounds like it’s going well!

My daughter didn’t cry. She was always happy to go until recently and has since become very upset about being away from me. It happens to children at different stages of growing up. I wouldn’t worry.