HELP - Baby will only settle in my arms

[Emerald4567]

Help, Day 5 of my baby boy being in this world and I am finding it very tough.

I can't put him down for more than 10 mins before he decides to cry, but yet when he is in my arms or my Husband's arms he will sleep for hours. This is particularly difficult at night as between having to feed every thirty minutes to an hour and him not settling into his crib as you can imagine there's very little sleep. I feel like I may have the baby blues as I'm extremely tearful and emotional.

Also does anyone know how frequently you should breast feed? My little one seems to want feeding all the time! I'm so exhausted.

Any advice from parents who have been through this before would be super helpful.

Thanks

This is so so normal for newborns. While your DH is off work, and perhaps even afterwards, you need to operate a shift system for sleeping. You give baby a good breastfeed in the evening and you go to bed while your husband looks after the baby downstairs. Even a couple of hours of proper sleep will help you. As for breastfeeding all the time, this is also normal. It's how your body knows to increase production. You will have some spells of cluster feeding up to 12 weeks. After a couple of cluster feeding days, the baby usually has some calmer days until the next growth spurt. Don't try to do much more than breastfeeding on those days. Get netflix on and keep hydrated.

Completely normal - Google the fourth trimester. The advice above about shift sleeping is great. We also did at times the baby asleep on my chest with me asleep but my husband watching us to make sure we were safe (if baby will only settle on you for instance). It does get easier. Remember all they’ve known for 9 months is being cozy inside of you, hearing your heartbeat.

First of all congratulations!

Secondly yes this bit is really tough and tiring, but so so normal. Baby doesn’t know he’s not a part of you yet, so while big wide world is bright and scary and loud, when he’s close to you he feels safe and secure.

It does get better as they get older! If you google the 4th trimester it will explain a lot of what’s going on.

Can you and your husband takes shifts? So one of you sleeps while the other has the baby. That was the only way I survived in the early days.

In regards to breastfeeding, feeding all the time is very normal. He’s getting your supply started, so cluster feeding (where they seemingly never stop!) is the usual in the beginning. I expressed from the start so Dd could have a bottle (and I could sleep!). We never had any problem with nipple confusion.

Things to look out for to make sure he’s getting enough - plenty of wet nappies, alert when awake, his soft spot isn’t sunken and he’s gaining weight.

Day 5 is peak baby blues time and it’s really, really hard. Try and look after yourself as much as possible - lots of food and water, and keep an eye on it. If it starts getting worse or doesn’t get better speak to your midwife who can help.

It does get better and reasonably quickly, but you really are in the trenches the first few weeks. I found by 6 weeks Dd and I had got ourselves sorted, knew each other a bit better and everything wasn’t such a struggle.

It's cluster feeding and the 4th trimester. Totally normal. It's great that he'll settle for a sleep on your husband. What you have to do for now is sleep in shifts. So you go to bed early and husband deals with baby, then you swap. Rearrange your sleep situation so that everyone gets some sleep. Do you have a spare room or sofa bed?

Look up safe co-sleeping guidelines. Do you have family or friends who can visit on certain days and take baby for a couple of hours (even just in your living room if you're not ready to be parted from baby) so that you can get a nap in the day too.

My mum used to come 2 or 3 days a week and cuddle baby in the living room while I had a sleep. I gave her a bottle of breast milk from a haakaa. He was never a fan of the bottles and later rejected them but they were helpful at the very beginning.

Breastfeeding is constant to begin with. I started to learn the difference between when he wanted a feed and when he just needed to suck for comfort so we used a dummy which was a godsend. If he was genuinely needing a feed he didn't accept the dummy.

It seems like a long hard slog at times but it does get easier before you know it x

Thank you everyone for your messages. I cannot tell you how much of a relief it was to read these and to remind myself I'm not alone and millions of parents have been through this.

Really useful tip in terms of taking shifts so we have started doing this which has helped as it means I can atleast get two hours sleep.

I'm not sure about the cluster feeding last night from 9pm until midnight he just wanted to be breastfed constantly I'm not sure whether that is normal with cluster feeding, but in the end the only thing that would settle him was a formula bottle and he drank 50 ml so I'm worried I'm not producing enough milk rather than this being cluster feeding.

Thanks again for your messages it did really help me not feel so alone.

You don’t make milk instantly. When he suckles and there is nothing there he is placing the order for tomorrow. If you give formula top ups you’ll basically maintain that low supply.

it’s sad that so much of what is normal hasn’t been explained to you by anyone before now.

Yes-normal for cluster feeding. Your baby is helping to establish your supply. A lot of women mistake this for 'not producing enough' but this rarely the case. Don't let this demotivate you if you really want to breastfeed. If he's not settling on the breast milk but bottle is fine he may need assessing for tongue tie which might be stopping him from latching correctly. Might be worth mentioning to the midwife so they can have a look?

@Jadeleigh196 the midwife did take a look and said he wasn't tongue tied. It just seems he doesn't settle whenever I breast fed him yesterday and then to drink such a large amount of formula, I thought it must be me so feeling a little disheartened as I really did want to breast feed. at the moment I'm always feeding him on breasts first and then if he still seems unsettled will top up with formula. I'm just worried he will prefer formula over me in the end. Ill speak to my midwife at my next appointment to see what she says.

It's really not easy. As other posters have said just try to do as little as possible in these early stages. It might be worth getting in touch with local BF support groups too, the breastfeeding network have a helpline you can contact too. I assume he didn't lose weight when midwives came to see you after hospital? That's really the only reliable indicator of whether baby is getting enough food! So might be worth getting him weighed for peace of mind also

https://www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/

Sending hugs x

Hi lovely, I promise it gets better!

I couldn't exclusively BF either of my boys but with my little one I combi-fed, boob then bottle then boob, and he is now 3 years old and STILL wants boobs if he's crying and at bedtime... So I'm living proof that it can be done!

For the sleeping in arms, get a stretchy wrap sling for the days - so you can wear him but take the weight on your shoulders, gives your arms a rest.

And at night we did co-sleeping when they were tiny, it's much easier and they get the 'comfort' of being close but you can actually sleep...

Best wishes mumma! You can do it! 💪

Are you pace feeding? Babies will guzzle from a bottle and you can over feed them.
the cluster feeding sounds like classic cluster feeding to me. I remember spending hours some evenings with baby attached. You really do just need to get comfy, get some snacks and find something interesting to watch/ good book to read on kindle.
The suggestion of getting in touch with your local la leche league or equivalent would be a good one. Seeing other local mums in person and asking questions to them will help reassure.
the main thing is - is baby doing enough wet and poo nappies? If so, you don’t have low supply. There’s a really good fb group called Breastfeeding yummy mummies that you can get support from too. Keep in there! (And if you want to EBF stop the formula).

Very tough but very normal at this stage. I found cosleeping helped as I could very very gently lie my baby down on the bed without waking her. If I hadn't coslept I'd have been incapable of looking after her in the daytime.

Hey OP, congratulations on your new baby!
My little one is 10 weeks and only this past week has started sleeping in her next to me at night, during the day she will still only nap being held or out on a walk in a pram or baby carrier.
She’s my first and I too was confused about cluster feeding. Sleep deprivation, hormones and a difficult birth resulted in introducing formula top ups around 1 week old and it was a life saver, my partner and I split the night in half so both of us got a 6 hour stretch of sleep! We had offers of family members looking after baby so that we could sleep but I hated the idea so never did that. When my partner went back to work I started co sleeping and it worked, she would wake every 2-3 hours and if I had a bad night my partner would take baby once home from work so I could get a few hours sleep. The baby wrap was very helpful in those early days but she now likes to sit in her bouncer. She still takes formula but rather than top ups she gets 2-3 bottles at set times and breast in between and at night and things are sooo much easier now than those first couple of weeks. Hang in there and please do speak with someone if you’re concerned about baby blues, just know that you don’t have to bottle it up and deal with it all by yourself❤

Sounds totally normal. Giving formula too ups gives you a bit of a reprieve, but can also decrease your supply making this phase last longer....

Definitely sleep in shifts and call in favours from anyone that will sit and cuddle a baby for you! My parents were a godsend - baby could smell milk on me so would immediately start rooting, but would merrily sleep 3 or 4 hours on my mum's shoulder. She helped with night shifts with my twins as she could sleep during the day, so stayed up at nights so I could sleep between feeds.

Most babies at this age sleep better in the morning than at night when they want to cluster feed. I always stuck stuck film on at 9pm and for comfy with nursing pillow and assumed I would wouldnt be budging for the next 3 or 4 hours, but then I could get a better snooze in the morning.

I've been breastfeeding for most of the last 7 years (4DC). The first 2 weeks can be REALLY tough. It settles down. You will be getting more sleep soon.

So you have a decent song? I favour the stretchy wrap ones. They give your arms a rest even if you may still have to pace at fussy o'clock.

Oldest would only settle on DH's chest for the first 3 weeks or so once they first woke at night, so he just slept with baby on him (carefully) until it stopped being necessary, I'm big on doing whatever it takes, within safety precautions, to get through these first weeks

I'm afraid IME midwives know very little about breastfeeding...it's a great suggestion to get support from the Breastfeeding Network and/or la leche league. Midwives also commonly miss tongue ties. A lactation consultant picked up ours in DD after 3 midwives missed it, and once it was snipped feeding was much easier.

This is 100% normal. If he's not being held he doesn't feel safe.

Like everyone has said OP it's normal, it always helped when I reminded myself that babies are crazy and we will never understand them 🤣

Can you get a good boxset going and some snacks and lean in to it, I know it feels like it (and this isn't helpful) but it will fly by x

You’re not due another visit now until day 10, but you can ask the midwife to come sooner if you’re worried about your milk supply. We had this issue with my first baby and it turned out my latch wasn’t good so he wasn’t getting enough milk at each feed and was just falling asleep on my nipple because he was so tired from sucking but getting very little milk.

Although it felt a bit awkward, the midwife watch me feed him and really helped me to get the latch right. She came every day for about 3 days and checked the latch was still good. This helped so much as I think without this, we would have given up with breastfeeding completely. He then started to gain weight a lot quicker and sleep for longer stretches in his cot because he wasn’t hungry.

Ok, so the milk let down is controlled by a muscle and in some first time mums (I was one) the baby has to work really hard to get enough milk. This can lead to feeding like you describe or baby not putting on weight fast enough to satisfy the medics. This is often why women say (or were told) that they couldn't produce enough milk.

So what to do? If baby is having lots of wet nappies and the weight is not a problem, just keep baby at the breast. I know it is difficult and you will get fed up, but TV and some soppy films, supportive partner and visitors can help keep you going through this patch.

If 'they' are muttering about weight, offer a bottle AFTER a feed. This is very important because you want to keep your milk supply going. This is called supplementary or top up feeding. If you use formula instead of a breastfeed - and yes I know how tempting that is when you're exhausted and fed up - it won't help. You may at this stage decide to switch to formula only and if you do, you've given breast feeding a good go.

I was determined and had both a supportive partner and breastfeeding counsellor, so I persisted with top ups. It took the best part of two and a half months. At the two month stage I became aware that baby was sometimes refusing bottles and often only taking an ounce top up. I probably could have stopped then, but was terrified that the weight gain would halt. I seem to remember that by 3 months, baby was being fully breast fed and carried on until 2 years old.

The best part was when baby #2 came along and the day my milk came in, it was coming so fast that he was gagging. That baby's feeds were very soon only taking 10/15 minutes. #1 had done all the hard work.

Give him time. He will settle but he's only a few days old.

Hi lovely midwives aren’t trained to assess for tongue tie, it’s not about what you can see it’s a full oral assessment. Seek out a local lactation consultant, call the national breastfeeding helpline, everything you’re describing is so normal but it’s hard, I remember very well! Make sure you’re eating and drinking plenty, making milk is thirsty work! Your body knows what to do, giving formula will interfere with supply and confuse your boobs, if baby is weeing and pooing plenty (at least 2 poos a day, 5-6 wet nappies) and 10-14 feeds a day, you’re on the right lines, the midwife should be coming to weigh the baby today or tomorrow. If you use instagram, look up ‘Olivia lactation consultant’ she has loads of useful information there and will put your mind at ease.

Sorry I just saw he was 5 days old a few days ago. Was he weighed? Did that reassure you?

Congratulations new mum, sounds like you’re doing a fab job, being really nurturing and attentive to your little boy’s needs 😍 Wanting to be held all the time is very normal. After being warm and curled tightly in the uterus with firm edges touching him at all times, being put in a cot feels like lying in a big open field! Lean over and keep your arms around him while he’s in the cot before removing them when he’s settled. That way it’s not such a big wrench from your warm arms to the ‘open field. You can also put a (clean) little finger in his mouth for him to suck on to comfort him, removing it slowly when he’s properly asleep.

Breastfeeding wise, if you can get the latch checked to make sure it’s effective and he’s getting enough milk and that there’s no tongue tie, that would be good. If he is on the breast for 3 hours but only doing a few sucks (like 2-4 sucks at a time), sleeping, few sucks more, sleeping etc this is non-nutritive feeding (equivalent of dummy sucking). So he only gets a little bit of milk but not proper rest either. I know it’s a pain but undress him for skin to skin contact at feeds; this will keep him more alert with better sucking during the feed and increase your milk supply. Also you can nudge the breast or blow on him gently to keep him awake. After the feed, dress him again and cuddle him more to make sure he’s properly deeply asleep before placing him in the cot. Giving formula can reduce the milk supply in women but I also understand the desperation! Re co-sleeping, which was recommended by another poster, be very cautious about this. If you do choose it, read up on it first, make sure your partner isn’t in the bed too and that it’s not on the sofa. I don't recommend it myself. Hope things get a bit better for you soon ❤️

Love from a midwife who knows very little about breastfeeding 😂 (@Richtea67 )

I was you just weeks ago OP! My now 16 week old sleeps for 3-6 hour stretches in her crib at night and is still EBF. Like you, I was exhausted and at times, felt unhinged. Keep going, it is all you can do. Teaching your baby that you’ll always be there for him will give him the security he needs to sleep independently.

My baby still only contact naps during the day which can be quite tiring - I refuse to co-sleep due to heightened anxiety. But we’re sleeping at night, and for now that’s a big win. You are doing amazingly so far. Haven’t rtft so not sure if you’re a ftm but everything you’ve described is normal and developmentally appropriate. My first baby was FF and slept well from the get go, do my new baby was quite a shock to the system!