HELP - Baby will only settle in my arms

[Emerald4567]

Help, Day 5 of my baby boy being in this world and I am finding it very tough.

I can't put him down for more than 10 mins before he decides to cry, but yet when he is in my arms or my Husband's arms he will sleep for hours. This is particularly difficult at night as between having to feed every thirty minutes to an hour and him not settling into his crib as you can imagine there's very little sleep. I feel like I may have the baby blues as I'm extremely tearful and emotional.

Also does anyone know how frequently you should breast feed? My little one seems to want feeding all the time! I'm so exhausted.

Any advice from parents who have been through this before would be super helpful.

Thanks

I’ve nothing really to add that hasn’t already been said by way of advice, but just wanted to warn you about weight loss.
Breast fed babies tend to lose more weight at their first check than bottle fed. Please don’t mistake this for supply issues. Unless it’s an excessive amount it’s nothing to worry about. My daughter lost about 1lb (she was a 10lber so this was still within the 10% expected) and they tried to pressure us to top up. We didn’t and she was fine & carried on breastfeeding for over 2 years. Definitely try and find a local breastfeeding support group - they were invaluable when I had my daughter and are usually far more knowledgeable than the midwives.

I stopped breast feeding for this very reason was wayyyy too much, that way dad could feed them so I had a min to myself as like you I could never put them down.

It’s made me feel quite emotional reading all this, and my youngest is 18 yrs now! What lovely kind and wise advice here. I struggled a lot with my first baby, 26 years ago, and I wish I’d known all this back then. As some others have said, it seems like so many of us have our first baby and know almost nothing about what to expect! All the books in the world aren’t as helpful as someone kind and experienced to talk with. Good luck OP with your beautiful new baby x

So true!
Baby formula manufacturers have a lot to answer for.
There is no need to ever use formula- Early breast feeding is tricky unless one has a mentor, but once established it’s fabulous!

Good luck @Emerald4567

Totally normal, he has been carried around by you for 9 mths so you can’t expect him to be content being put down somewhere else. Look up
the 4th trimester. Maybe a soft sling would help so can carry around as do jobs? Personally I adored that stage and an excuse to sit down and have snuggles, housework can wait, he will never be that tiny again. Babies tend to cluster feed at the start to get the supply going properly, I didn’t feed so not much help in the area but honestly just enjoy the snuggles

Thank you all for the advice and words of wisdom. It really has been useful for me as a first time mum so much of this is alien to me.

I think I have put a lot of pressure on myself to breast feed as it is something I really want to do and unfortunately it hasn't been as easy as I hoped for. I am going to ask the midwife about the tongue tie and also seek local support. I am going to keep trying but i have also been a bit kinder to myself to say that if it doesn't work or I'm finding it too hard then it's ok if I eventually decide to go to formula. It is hard and feel like I'm beating myself up about it so I hope it goes smoother soon. It was reassuring that some had success with breast and then topping up with formula.

In terms of not settling it's really reassuring that this is normal. I think I was under the delusion that it would just be a case of I could put the baby down so I could go to the toilet, have a shower. And that the night feeds would just be waking up to feed not that they wouldn't settle in their crib so definitely been a massive learning curve for me and reassuring to know it is normal.

Thank you for all the kind words.

@Moonlightday89 thank you it's nice to know that others out there struggled and I shouldn't be too hard on myself if it doesn't work out even though I don't think I'm completely ready to give up on it yet.

@LunaandLilyoh my goodness that is a long time. Honestly I take my hat off to all of you who have managed through cluster feeding as it is bloody tough.

If you get severely exhausted then remember it's safer to cosleep with risks minimised (just you and baby in the bed, no blankets, firm mattress, gaps blocked or bed away from any walls, c curl around breastfed baby) than to accidentally fall asleep holding baby on the sofa for example.

@Elphamouche I'm so glad that combined worked for you. I am worried about doing combined as I didn't want them to not want to breast feed anymore so reassuring that it can work as I do feel a little bit disheartened that I haven't felt able to continue with breast only.

@Roboticleg thank you reassuring to know it worked out with your partner doing combined.

We also have a next to me crib but the side barrier is up so i think we need to add the co sleeping attachment. as soon as I lift him up and put him down in it, he just knows so I have considered co sleeping but a bit worried about it.

Good idea to ask about an electric pump. I bought two manual and to be honest they just don't work. I also tried to hand express and I just don't make enough to fill a bottle, or perhaps I do but at the rate of expressing it would take hours just to get 20ml and this has made me think my thoughts on having a low milk supply and why he is constantly hungry is right. But I think if I try an electric pump then I know for sure.

Thank you for your kind words

Oh sorry and to confirm - I had no clue either before I had my first child that this is what babies are like and remember having an awful realisation of 'oh my word is this what everyone has been doing ?! Why did no one warn me??' But I don't think anyone would believe you unless they had been through it 🤣

Hope your doing okay OP keep going, enjoy your baby, look after yourself and please don't beat yourself up about formula in 6 months time you will be giving your precious baby food and 6 months after that breastfeeding and formula might be off the table completely (or you may carry on with both or either) I just mean, everything will change before you know it and other things will become more and less important (none of this is useful at all right now in these sleep deprived weeks of course x)

@celticprincess I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and that you didn't really get the right support.

I completely understand how you felt. I feel the same in terms of I don't know how much more I can continue with the breast feeding as I'm getting a bit disheartened by it all. I also can barely express 20ml let alone a whole bottle and im convinced my baby also has reflux , as he is sick after and has hiccups all the time. I'm actually starting to wonder if he has colic and this is why he doesn't settle very well.

I am going to buy some swaddles this week to see if that helps with sleeping in his crib.

Anyway I'm going to buy an electric pump see how much I can express and talk to my midwife tomorrow.

He is constantly hungry because he is so brand new. He needs to feed to build your supply. If you do anything other than feed him as much as he will suck you will not end up with enough milk for him in future. It is hard though so totally fine to switch to formula.
I wouldn’t recommend pumping, it isn’t as effective as a baby sucking and you then have to wash and sterilise the pump. You lose the benefit of breastfeeding which is not having all this cleaning faff.

When my baby girl arrived I was amazed by just how full on and difficult breastfeeding was - I’d kind of assumed things would just work? What worked for us was focusing on the short term, so every morning and every evening we’d decide, can we do this for another 12 hours (so until that evening or until the next morning). It took off the constant ‘are we doing the right thing?’ debate, because we just made the decision twice a day and between those times we didn’t think about it. Having that idea of ‘if it gets too much, I’ll stop in the morning’ really helped me mentally.

For my first we ended up mixed feeding for a while, but we wanted to go back to breastfeeding so I would pump when she had a formula top up, and we weaned the formula down until she wasn’t having any. With my second we decided unless they were really worried about weight gain we didn’t want to use any formula and while I found that really hard for the first week-ish getting my supply up, at a month in it was SO much easier than mixed feeding was with her at the same age (if that makes sense).

5 days is often the peak of baby blues, and having a new baby is just bloody hard and I think it’s impossible to prepare for! If you end up formula feeding, don’t worry about it, I couldn’t even have told you if I was formula or breastfed because beyond infancy, no one even thinks about it. Having said that, if you really want to breastfeed, stick with it and push for help if you need it. The best advice I got was ‘don’t quit on a bad day’ and while there were some truly terrible moments, sticking it out was the right call for us and I’m glad I did. Only you know what’s right for your family and no one else gets to make that decision for you, so whatever you decide to do, make sure it’s your call and that you’ve got the support you need for it xxx

@Emerald4567 I could have written this when DD was born. She’s now 16mo and an absolute bundle of joy and chaos.

Please know you are doing an amazing job. These early days are HARD, and breastfeeding is beyond a full time job at this stage. Everything you are going through is absolutely normal and definitely not an indication that there’s anything wrong with your milk supply. Equally, if combi-feeding gives you the necessary break to keep you sane, crack on with that but do look up paced feeding (the Kelly mom blog is an invaluable resource!) I’d also grab a copy of Mixed Up by Lucy Ruddle (it’s free with Kindle Unlimited) which I found to be super helpful when navigating those early days of combi feeding and is written in a way where you can dip in and out and just troubleshoot whatever you’re going through rather than having to read every chapter.

In my case I was led to believe my supply was low by an ill informed midwife, I also struggled to pump much so panicked she was right so upped the combi feeding which led to a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy as then DD was feeding on the boob less. Fortunately at around 6wks I joined an amazing breastfeeding support group who made me realise everything I’d gone through was normal cluster feeding and the only reason my supply had dipped was because of the increased bottles I’d been offering. I also discovered not all breast pumps are created equally and that basically the pump I’d bought just didn’t work for me. I hired a hospital grade pump and suddenly was pumping double the quantity I’d previously pumped in half the time. With the group’s support I managed to return to ebf by 10wks. At the time I reached out to the group I was at my lowest ebb and genuinely thought I wouldn’t make it through another week of breastfeeding, yet here I am still breastfeeding at 16 months thanks to them.

@Emerald4567 please don't worry about pumping. I never got much from pumping but was able to breastfeed fine. I mainly breastfed but used formula for others to help out. Please don't feel like you need the formula because you're not making enough - it's still very early days and baby will feed a lot. I spent far too much time panicking about everything in the early days.

Your little one could have reflux which I think means it's best to keep them upright for a bit after feeding before trying to put them down.

Don’t worry that you’re not getting enough from pumping - it’s not necessarily a good indication of how much milk you have. I exclusively bf 2 babies and knew I had a good supply but could only ever pump 2-3 oz. Best indicator is weight gain and wet nappies/poos. You’re still in the very early stages and it absolutely will get easier soon.

I never really went through this as I formula fed both of mine from birth as I was unable to breastfeed for medical reasons.
If you want to continue breastfeeding I hope it works for you and it’s looks like you have lots of wonderful advice.
Just remember that if you do end up switching to formula you are not a failure!
I went to a 4 year olds party today and I wouldn’t have had a clue which were breastfed and which were formula fed. All as healthy and active as each other ❤️

Bless you, honestly as long as baby is fed that’s all that matters it really doesn’t matter if it’s breast or bottle whatever is easiest and works for you. Too many people force themselves into feeding a certain way becusse they feel pressure. Do what works for you and baby and also for your partner too. My partner wanted to feed baby himself and obviously the only way to do that is bottle and it worked for us. There’s no one size fits all. Good luck you’ll be fine x

I combination fed until mine was 6 months old. Breast fed 20mins on each side then formula followed by a pump machine. Once she started eating food I dropped the formula and she continued breast feeding until 18months. I got very little out of the pump machine - definately wasn't making enough milk.

Definitely try and electric pump - ask your HV if they can lend you one rather than buying one at £200 or whatever ridiculous price they are!! Mine have leant me one (admittedly by a pushy woman who was adamant I needed to breast feed - she’s not my health visitor abd my HV said to pushback at anyone who behaved like that because combi works well for us - and fed is best.

I’m up now on the night feed, shes just dropping back off. Night feeds are bottles for us.

the swaddle is the best thing, I think we would have been in trouble without that! Good luck OP, you will be fine, there’s nothing wrong with combining, or exclusively feeding breast or formula. Do what works for you and your baby, that’s what matters.

For me personally, pumping never worked. I breastfed my eldest until she was 2 and my DD2 is 6 months but I could never get a lot out with pumps. Once she got older on the rare occasion I’d go out I’d leave a bottle of formula, but I personally think pumping is the worst of all worlds and fully take my hat off to anyone who perseveres with it!
So just remember your ability to pump doesn’t reflect whether or not you’ll be able to breastfeed successfully, and honestly in the real world (outside of the sometimes vicious debates online and some weirdos) no one really cares how you’ve fed your baby do whatever works for you!

It is really tough in the first couple of weeks if you are concerned about supply get a breast pump so you can actually see what amount he is getting plus DP can help with feeds but by pumping you will still be establishing a good supply. I had to pump with my eldest as he had low blood sugar at 3 days and hospital wanted to know how much he was getting so by doing it this way I still made sure my production increased by pumping regularly and DS still got breast milk. After a couple of weeks he was able to go back on breast but I also had a supply frozen so DH could use to bottle feed. Get yourself a pump a good book and plenty of fluids and find a comfy chair. The more relaxed and hydrated you are the better. Please don’t worry if you don’t think it is a lot initially as remember their stomachs are tiny so they don’t need huge amounts.

What you’re describing is absolutely normal for a baby.
They seek comfort from you and settle better with you.
in terms of breastfeeding, I would allow uninterrupted access to the breast when they look for it. They’re getting so much more than just nutrient from breastfeeding.
Youre doing great 💕