I hate my toddler and being a mother.. does that make me a vile human?!

[Ammi2one]

No, im not depressed. I dont have a hormonal imbalance nor do i need to “speak to someone”” or take tablets. As true as the sky is blue, i detest being a mother and genuinely resent my toddler. Which sends me down a self loating and hating spiral of guilt and shame daily. Am i the only one?

dont get me wrong there are pockets of joy, but these are no where near the idealic life it appears every parent around me is living. And i cant help but compare and wonder why i dont have those same warm fuzzy feelings. I gave up a career, social
life, family life, financial security and just a general feeling of accomplishment in life to now constantly be worried about debt, lack of career, a husband who doesnt understand anything im experiencing, a relationship that is more of a friendship now than a marriage really, minimal contact with family and friends… and all for what? A screaming 2 year old who tests me to my limit daily. Maybe i just was not built for this. But how do women cope in this situation? Like do you just crack on and hope that you will some how raise a well adjusted individual and get over it?! Like im seriously at rock bottom and am now turning to some sort of validation online from strangers , while people who know me just keep saying “o you don’t mean that” “o its just a phase” “o its fine you will be fine” …. Like seriously am i the i the only one in the world feeling like this?!?

I just wanted to say thank you to all you wonderful posters who have neen so understanding and have shared how hard/frustrating/guilt inducing and all the rest of the crappy baggage this phase can bring. I'd love to find the toddler group with you all in it!

I'm having a tough time too op, mine is just coming up to 2. Childcare has definitely helped, despite the guilts involved. I agree with the posters that mentioned you may be holding yourself up to impossible standards. I do that shit all the time. Perfect is the enemy of good x

I get it completely and honestly sometimes you hate your kid

you can tell yourself it’s their behaviour and blah blah but you hate them and what they are doing to your peace

that’s the truth of being a mom

sometimes you are going to hate being a parent and sometimes you wish you didn’t become one and that’s just the way it is

the human being with you will hopefully 🤞 not become more difficult as the years go on

if you manage to find an outlet for frustration like running, screaming into a pillow, anything not directed at the little toddler psycho then you will get past this

you don’t need counseling but a girlfriend who isn’t as judgemental as a good portion of the mums on this network clearly are

there are so many judgemental dickheads out there don’t bother

my first kid was an awesome experience even at the terrible 2…my second is here to teach me patience and there are many many days I loathe him as he literally ruins everything and all the books and judgy parents certainly don’t help

it’s an endurance race and I work on controlling my emotions and getting past this horrible period while teaching him how to be a decent human as best as I can

i don’t always win but I do my best not to judge myself, just try to learn in this how to overcome hard things

it will do well in your career later as no one can phase you right

they aren’t toddlers forever

try to look at your baby when they sleep and remember they came from you-you made this being and that’s something magical

kind of lol

You got this mum

How are you doing op?

I'm thinking of you. I'm having one of those days.

It's raining today and we'd been invited to something this afternoon which has been cancelled.

So we've got the awful "what shall we do this afternoon" issue.

The baby is recovering from a chest infection so he's whining a lot. Dc1 has no excuse but is also whining a lot.

We have got to get out of the house!!

You're my kind of friend 👌🏻 we need more like you! X

Go back to your career. Have childcare. Find the energy to re-energise your life.

You don't need to be this martyred Earth mother. Happy mother = happy child so go back to work!

gbmom · Yesterday 11:05
I get it completely and honestly sometimes you hate your kid
**
you can tell yourself it’s their behaviour and blah blah but you hate them and what they are doing to your peace …”

You're making the assumption that all mums feel that way, which they clearly don’t. Yes it’s hard work and exhausting but the idea that I “hated” our children never entered my head. Had it, I’d have sought help.

They are hard work, that’s for sure. What’s your childcare situation like? I was working PT when my DC were that age. I still haven’t gone back to FT and likely won’t until they are older but I didn’t give my career up, it’s just different. It sounds like you do need a break. Work is like a holiday for me some days.

Well done for being much better than us

My experience was very similar OP. I had a premature, autistic child with chronic reflux and I found very little joy in the early years. It got better and the sun came out and now he's a gorgeous teen who makes me laugh most days! We are basically fed a bullshit mythology of motherhood which differs absolutely from most real life experience. Especially if you've got little support and a poor network, no wonder you're feeling so beaten down by it.

I'd get your little one into nursery and I go back to work part-time for now. I'd also get in touch and reach out to family and friends. Also go to parent and toddler groups to. Widen the social circle.

I feel this way about my second child. I struggle soooo much with being able to stand her on a daily basis.

The toddler stage can be brutal. I also tried for a long time to have a baby and eventually had ivf, a traumatic birth and was not well for quite a while afterwards. It was not what I had envisioned and i was certainly not prepared. Like you I felt unhappy but not depressed, questioned my parenting abilities all the time. Going back to work helped for sure. I'm not a therapist but based on what you said could you possibly have ptsd? I know you said you tried talking therapies but have you tried emdr therapy? It's meant to be really effective for ptsd.

I feel the same, have an affair that’s what I’m going to do

Must be nice to be so perfect

Hi there are you a single mum too? It's really hard at 1-2.
Almost everything I see one of these posts it's a single mum talking about a 14 month old. It's so hard as they can't talk much, either can't yet walk or are falling asleep lot and are so frustrated and want to be carried and except you to read their mind, they want to grab everything and they're so upset when they can't and your back hurts and you might be going back to work or you might be losing friends who are going back to work and it just feels so relentless. They're not a tiny baby anymore that you can pop on a blanket while you have a picnic and they're not a little pal that chats to you.
I found young toddler age very tough I was so tired and sore all the time. My one is 2 1/4 now and it's really fun we have Great little chats and he jokes and enjoy our days out a lot. Hang in there!!'

Oh I've just seen this is 2024 not 2025, how are you getting on op!

I’m quite late to this thread - but Reading into this posts comments as I’m feeling a bit this way at the minute. I expected nothing less from the responses in all honesty. Mumsnet is either one of two ways, helpful or full of judgement and rudeness. From experience it’s all been RUDE.

Parenting isn’t easy. Toddler parenting most especially. No day is the same, some days I absolutely love spending time with my DS1 and other days I can’t stand to be in his company and have absolutely no tolerance for him or his behaviour. Guess what? Anyone who says that’s not normal to feel like that is either high as a kite, so laid back their horizontal, isn’t a parent or just an out and outright liar. Iv discovered a long the way toddlers are the tester of all testers and sometimes that testing can really unearth a lot of upset that you never realised you had, it’s how you manage, the support you have in place and when to know you need a break away from them. I’m fairly chilled out most of the time granted I’m also now approaching 41 weeks pregnant so my hormones are all over the shot and my patience is really draining due to being so heavily pregnant and uncomfortable. So my toddler testing me or just throwing tantrums for the sake of it is enough to drive me to tears at the best of times. But them feelings are not abnormal, they aren’t an imbalance of anything, they are nothing more than HUMAN nature especially when you are a sole parent for an entire day whilst your partners working and sadly the cost of living and childcare costs don’t make it very easy for many mums anymore. They make it so unaffordable a lot of parents have no choice but to either cut hours completely and care for their child until they turn 3 or they have to work until they practically drop to bits as the cost to put them in care full time simply outweighs part time wages or even full time for that matter.

You aren’t alone in those feelings there a plenty of SAHM/SAHD’s out there who will totally side with how you feel as we all have our limits! I side with how you feel as some days I feel this week but I partly blame pregnancy on it. But you are not alone, when our boundaries and limits are being tested it’s very easy to feel like that, I feel like it with my partner at times when he’s pushing my buttons! So no you’re not mad and you certainly don’t have issues you are a burned out parent!

That does sound a lot like postnatal depression OP. Especially with you not loving your son. If you dont get this sorted now, this may result in attachment issues in your little boy

Don’t be silly. Nothing to do with better. I and others feel that OP needs some help, that’s all.

I would also say that going back to work may help to give you some sense of balance. In my case it allows me to be a more present parent when I am with my child because I have had a break from what are some of the more boring and stressful parts of parenting. I think I am a good mum but I also think I would have been a terrible SAHM.

Obviously can't diagnose clinical depression in a poster, but I think from what I've read about matrescence (I just posted on this suject) explains a lot of the feelings mothers (parents) go through which are absolutely normal.

But again, like I said, sometimes maybe there more to it