I hate my toddler and being a mother.. does that make me a vile human?!

[Ammi2one]

No, im not depressed. I dont have a hormonal imbalance nor do i need to “speak to someone”” or take tablets. As true as the sky is blue, i detest being a mother and genuinely resent my toddler. Which sends me down a self loating and hating spiral of guilt and shame daily. Am i the only one?

dont get me wrong there are pockets of joy, but these are no where near the idealic life it appears every parent around me is living. And i cant help but compare and wonder why i dont have those same warm fuzzy feelings. I gave up a career, social
life, family life, financial security and just a general feeling of accomplishment in life to now constantly be worried about debt, lack of career, a husband who doesnt understand anything im experiencing, a relationship that is more of a friendship now than a marriage really, minimal contact with family and friends… and all for what? A screaming 2 year old who tests me to my limit daily. Maybe i just was not built for this. But how do women cope in this situation? Like do you just crack on and hope that you will some how raise a well adjusted individual and get over it?! Like im seriously at rock bottom and am now turning to some sort of validation online from strangers , while people who know me just keep saying “o you don’t mean that” “o its just a phase” “o its fine you will be fine” …. Like seriously am i the i the only one in the world feeling like this?!?

Why have you given up so much? The first few years are the toughest but what kept me going was keeping my career, and attempting to hold onto some sort of social life to keep me sane. Are there steps you can take to improve even a couple of the areas you are struggling with? I certainly find it easier to parent when I have my own life a little.

Other parents aren't living an idyllic life.

Two year olds are tough.

I put mine in childcare one day a week just to get a break. Lots of people go back to work just to spend time away from their toddler.

They are hard work.

You do need to speak to someone. Hating your toddler and being at rock bottom needs to be talked through with someone. It can't continue like that.

Toddlers are hard work. Being a present is hard work. I'd look at getting back to work. Reigniting your social life. Getting back in touch with family. There's no reason you can't bring some of that back. Be happier. Feel better about your child.

I gave up a career, social
life, family life, financial security and just a general feeling of accomplishment in life

why? Why don't you see your family?
Is the financial issue due to childcare? If they are 2 will that improve soon with new funded hours / starting school in a couple years.

You need to prioritise yourself as well as your child.

Being a mother is so tough. I blame social media and the way parents usually only post perfect moments. It gives others a completely unrealistic idea of what parenting is truly like. I used to pray for bedtime on a daily basis. Gradually he became less hard work. My son is an adult now and I enjoy him now so much more than I ever did when he was little.

You are not the only woman to feel this way.

Some women hate mothering/parenting babies.

Some women hate mothering toddlers.

Some women hate parenting teenagers.

You hate the job and the circumstances in which you are doing it. It's a very tough job, and different people like/dislike different parts of it. Some people choose not to do it at all, or delegate.

Doesn't mean you hate your child.

It’s really hard often. It’s also possible you have low mood.
My best suggestions are
some time for yourself - leave the toddler with husband for a few hours.
You May also benefit from an entire day to yourself or a night in a hotel alone. Mum burnout is a real thing.
I have been known to pop the toddler in their pushchair and go for a walk with ear plugs in my ears.
A brisk but loving approach to parenting. You are in charge. Limited explanations to toddler, Wrestling them into their clothes/shoes/tooth brushing when necessary. You don’t need to explain everything/talk about their feelings/wait for them/ask them.
Exercise your toddler- swimming is great. It shatters them out. Then hopefully they can go to bed a bit earlier.
Lower your expectations for your toddler.
But most importantly time for you - away from toddler and home. Tell you DH you need some support/time away for everyone’s benefit.

I know you say you aren't depressed and don't need any sort of counselling but you sound pretty negative. Even if you aren't clinically depressed counselling could help you think things over and find a better way forward.

Whoa - I think you need help. It’s not okay, and it’s not normal, to hate your toddler. It sounds like you need to go back to work: try and get childcare in place and get your own life back on track. It will be better for all of you.

I'm really sorry you are having a hard time. I do understand because I've been there. It's awful. Going back to work helped a lot. Would that work for you?
And you are allowed to feel how you feel.

I made lots of mistakes and wished I'd made changes earlier. I'd suggest you leave baby with your husband and go away for a couple of days. It might help.
Book in to see a therapist asap. It'll help you sort out what you want and need.

Take care of yourself.

Dd2 is 3 and a half now and she still tests my limits most days 🙄 it's bloody tough. So I enjoy being a mum all the time, no of course I don't and some days I too dislike my dd2. However I don't hate being a mum, not at all but it is bloody hard op. They do get easier with age, hang on in tjhere

It’s not normal to hate your child, something has gone wrong here. You need to speak to a doctor lovely. I have two children 4 & 1 and haven’t given up my career, have great relationships and travel etc. I have suffered post partum depression though so I understand negative feelings. I got help and did cbt. Might also be worth you getting your hormones checked, low estrogen can cause all sorts of bad feelings x

I've been where you are and it gets a lot better when they turn about 5. I actually enjoyed spending time with my children (5and 7) this Easter holidays which was a revelation.

Resentment is a festering wound though (got that T-shirt too!) do what you can to retain some of your old life even if that means having to be a 'bad mum' sometimes by putting yourself and your needs first - it's your oxygen mask until the toddler plane lands safely at fivesville.

I doubt very much the OP hates her toddler but hates his or her behaviour.

It’s exhausting, can be very lonely, relentless and frightening as you constantly question yourself. I don’t necessarily have the answers OP but I have a three year old and we’re right in the middle of threenager but he is easier. And I hear four is a lovely age <hopes>

Hate? Really?

I’m sorry but you are either depressed or have an hormone imbalance. Please seek help.

Are you back at work? If not can you put your child in nursery and try and pick up your career?

You're not alone. Toddlers can be absolutely soul destroying, it's not their fault but they are unreasonable little balls of emotion that you're not allowed to kick out 😂 and motherhood is far from easy. It can be a fucking shit show!
Motherhood doesn't come naturally to everyone either, it is really hard work. I have 2 kids and the whining and screaming never fails to make me want to tear my hair out, no matter how well versed you are in "validating their feelings...." "Stay calm to model regulation...." Eurgh I honestly spend most mornings shrieking at them to get their shoes on.
I do echo other posters in that getting some of your life back does help. Get them in nursery for their free hours when they turn 2, can you go back to work or find a part time job? Or just have some time for yourself?
Do you have anyone that can babysit, even if it's the odd evening after child has gone to bed - so you can recharge or even just go out for a drink??
And share the load with their dad. Get dad to take them out for the day. Get dad doing the mental load share. You'll have to tell them what to do, but honestly start delegating.

It does get better I promise!

Does he go to nursery?
Can't you go back to work?

Hate is a pretty big word to use.

Toddlers are relentless, hardest stage for me so far. As annoying as the saying is, it does, genuinely, get easier.

It’s the screaming behaviour you probably dislike, @Ammi2one .

Why can’t you work?

You have a husband- could you afford a nanny or childminder?

I find going to work easier than looking after my kids! 2 year olds are hard.. and they make life miserable!!

Make time for yourself!

I’m sorry you feel like this, but I do think it’s genuinely unusual to resent your toddler. It is not their fault - it really isn’t! - so please don’t resent them.
Can you not have a serious talk with your husband? I’m sure you have tried this already, but did he REALLY get the message? You need help, before things get even worse. Or another family member/friend?
If I were you, I’d set out a plan… try to get together with another mother and toddler and regularly get out of the house with them. Join a group? Just get out in the countryside? Read books together - stay calm.
Your toddler is probably picking up on your mood and unhappiness, hence the screaming.
Please, just talk to somebody. Soon. And remember, things WILL get better with time - once they start school, and you can try to get your career back.
All the best.

It sounds like you gave up more than you can cope with.

You need to find a way to get it back, little by little.

Easier said than done I know but it is done. Many women have careers, young children, social lives etc.

Is your husband a barrier to that? Can you tell him what you need in order to be happy?

Oh god I could have written this post when my DD was between the ages of 1-4years.
I genuinely think I have a bit of PTSD from those years too, just thinking about it makes me feel incredibly anxious and stressed.
It’s also the reason DD is (and will remain) an only child.

I always loved her obviously, but I only really started to enjoy being a mother from about 4yo. She’s 10 now and we have the absolute best relationship and I love spending time with her!

I promise you it will get better but I do think you should reassess your lifestyle and maybe look into returning to work?

Don't you work? This bit is not good. Outsource it.
I went back at four and five months each time.

My DC is a similar age. Largely I’ve found toddler years to be better than the baby phase and it’s mostly positive now. It was during the baby phase. However, today was hard. I found my toddler uncontrollable today. I’m struggling to think of a positive from today.

Part of the reason I’ve really struggled today is because I’ve had a bit more time than usual with them this week. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow but I am looking forward to Monday when I’m back at work. I’m not cut out to be a SAHM and my relationship with my child suffers if I have to spend too much time with them. It sounds like you’re a SAHM, can you go back to work? That honestly saved me. I know it sounds dramatic but I was drowning before I went back to work. You mention concerns about debt so I know it’s a tricky balance between earning enough to make working viable but you need to take care of yourself too. Look at nursery places that are doing the funded hours and get him in nursery. Even if you can’t return to work yet, get him in nursery. Give yourself a chance to miss him.