I hate my toddler and being a mother.. does that make me a vile human?!

[Ammi2one]

No, im not depressed. I dont have a hormonal imbalance nor do i need to “speak to someone”” or take tablets. As true as the sky is blue, i detest being a mother and genuinely resent my toddler. Which sends me down a self loating and hating spiral of guilt and shame daily. Am i the only one?

dont get me wrong there are pockets of joy, but these are no where near the idealic life it appears every parent around me is living. And i cant help but compare and wonder why i dont have those same warm fuzzy feelings. I gave up a career, social
life, family life, financial security and just a general feeling of accomplishment in life to now constantly be worried about debt, lack of career, a husband who doesnt understand anything im experiencing, a relationship that is more of a friendship now than a marriage really, minimal contact with family and friends… and all for what? A screaming 2 year old who tests me to my limit daily. Maybe i just was not built for this. But how do women cope in this situation? Like do you just crack on and hope that you will some how raise a well adjusted individual and get over it?! Like im seriously at rock bottom and am now turning to some sort of validation online from strangers , while people who know me just keep saying “o you don’t mean that” “o its just a phase” “o its fine you will be fine” …. Like seriously am i the i the only one in the world feeling like this?!?

I think this is unusual - to actually hate your child. Not to make you feel guilty but we all have hard days with a toddler, but ultimately the way most people get though it is because they love that little person more than anything iin the world… do you feel like you didn’t bond with your child when he was a baby? Did you have that ‘I’m completely in love with you moment’?

Because if you dont unconditionally adore your child then yes I think toddlerhood would be very hard And I think lots of stages of childhood will be hard if you don’t have that bond to get you through.
i think you need a reset in the way you parent - it shouldn’t feel like a fight. He’s two - you are the grown up. What is it exactly that you struggle with? Is it actually just not having any other life because you can do something about that - use a day nursery to give yourself the morning off - it might do your toddler good too to have the extra stimulation. Make some mum friends to whinge to! And share play dates with.. get out and about, go to cafes, museums, parks, toddler groups, swimming classes, there are so many things you can do together or apart - but you need to do something now - you can’t go another day thinking you hate your child, he doesn’t deserve that and you don’t deserve that. Toddlers can be the most joyful guileless people.. living in the moment and everything is fascinating to them - don’t miss out on those bits because you resent the crappy bits.. it’s gone too quickly…

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. The adjustment to parenthood is massive and the balance of your needs vs child vs family is constantly changing. I recommend amotherplace on insta for a refreshing perspective on "you can love your kids but still hate the tedium of childhood"!

The problem isn't your toddler or your desire to be a parent. The problem is for some reason you've totally unnecessarily sacrificed every other aspect of your life to be a mother. I'm not surprised you're miserable and unfulfilled. Make sure your partner is pulling his weight, get some regular time to yourself arranged, find some childcare, get back to work and restart your hobbies and social life. At 2 years old it is perfectly possibly to have most of your life back but you do need to take action, you can't wait for it to passively happen. It won't be exactly the same as it was before, but it doesn't need to be the other end of the spectrum you're currently living.

Why is not working "not good"? 🤔

The fact that you feel guilty saying that you hate your toddler means to me clearly that you don’t hate him as such but hate the overall moment in time you are both in. I second others who have said that going back to work puts good distance away from parenting, and for me personally working full time makes me a better mum. Carve some time for you, it’s not selfish, it’s NECESSARY! It does get easier, my dd is almost 2.5 and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel x

Hmm this is a tough one, do you genuinely hate your child or is it more that you love them but find being a mother hard? If it’s the first option then you need to go see someone about it- therapist, dr I don’t know. If it’s the latter- then we all feel like that but everyday I also love too even when hard as I find them fascinating and love them more than anything else , that doesn’t make life easy but definitely easier when you feel you now have a purpose in life, I have a good career but my children have brought me more purpose, hapoiness etc than anything a job or anything else for that matter would. Having said all that, it doesn’t mean I don’t long for their bedtime every night so I can get some peace and quiet and love when I can actually go to the loo at work in peace! Make sure you are taking some time for yourself each day- work, friends etc, otherwise yes you will feel the way you do.

Not everyone is cut out for parenthood, so it might be that or it might be that you aren’t cut out for being a SAHP. Either way, why don’t you go back to work? it sounds like you’ve given up masses and I don’t understand why? And why isn't your partner doing his share?

You do sound depressed OP but no wonder if you don’t like being at home. I think getting a job and getting your partner to do half is what will sort it.

Kids do get more interesting as they get older though, toddlers are very challenging.

Because it’s clearly not working for the OP

Life changes completely when you have a child. I found I had to adjust pretty much all existing expectations I had re work, type of friendship group, activities, sleep, relationship...everything. The trick is not to look back at what was..you need to look forward at what is now, and get joy if you can from your new life with your child. You can't return a child to the shop and you won't get your old life back for ages (if ever) so you either give in to the misery or crack on. The main and most important person in your life is no longer yourself, its your child; it's a big adjustment to appreciate that but you are your child's only mother and that's the most important job you can have I'm afraid (obviously I'm not giving a view on going back to work/being a stay at home mum as that's your business but I mean no job will be more important than being a mother).

Lack of sleep and boredom will make that harder so try and do fun stuff with people you like who also have kids the same age as yours. The terrible twos are tricky but one day you will look back and all you will remember is how adorable your toddler was and how you wish you could go back. (Possibly hard to believe at the moment).

Can you go back to work part time?
Being a full time mother is hard. Especially toddlers. Much better at 4. They become wonderful! Till 11.

WELL DONE OP for admitting how you are feeling. It sounds like you have been feeling like a pressure cooker for a long time.
You need to polish up that cv and get back into the workforce and your husband needs to get his head out of his arse and see that you need to be a person, not just a mother. You need at least one evening a week where you do a hobby or activity away from them (gym class, Cinema, meet up with friend, whatever). You need to wear clothes that make you feel good. You need to earn, control and spend your own money. And he needs to realise that.

I think you need to get a job. SAHM is not for everyone- certainly wouldn't have been for me. You might find if you have some fulfilment outwith the family that you find family life much more enjoyable

Honestly…?

go back to work.
you’ll get better balance and be happier.
I decided before my first I’d continue my career and helped me keep balance.

ps being a mother is fucking hard and Pretty much every day I see or realise some new way in which women are being handed shit sandwiches.

Do you ever get a break OP?

What is stopping you from going back to work?

i'm a SAHP too and I understand what you mean about the relentlessness and loneliness of it all. It can be really tough.

And also, whatever works for you will hopefully make you happy which will make you a happy and less stressed mother for your child which might make them more relaxed. Kids will always stress you out, just for different (and scarier) reasons as they get older, but life does get more interesting.

I think you need to go back to work.

It's pretty sad to hate your child and it will spiral as your child will play up more if they're not getting what they need emotionally from you.

I think you do need counselling tbh as something has gone wrong somewhere.

It’s really fucking tough parenting a toddler. But genuinely I love the bones of mine even if I’m not exactly happy with how my life is right now.

I think you should talk to a professional - how do you categorically know it’s not depression or hormone imbalance or whatever? Also like someone else said, surely you want to try and resolve it somehow?

But yes I agree with others that work is my lifeline. I wouldn’t be cut out to be a SAHM.

Yes.

I always think some people are amazing at the baby bit or toddler bit and some at the tween tween bit - there's so many ages and stages.

Lots of people age the toddler stage it will
pass.

Sounds like you need to get back to work or carving some time/ space out for you.

Your social life does die for a bit when they're really small but it does come back, even though it's different.

It sounds like you aren't cut out to be a SAHM and need to go back to work. This is not healthy and not working for you, is there any reason you can't go back to work? Now she's 2, would you qualify for any free hours childcare so you can work part time a couple of days a week if you can't afford full time childcare?

You are not alone, it's dull and so much drudgery. My house was a mess and I was so sick of preparing food and then cleaning up afterwards. Very tedious...

I survived it by hanging out a lot with other mums, sometimes having a glass of wine at 4pm and sticking the tv on.

I kept my career, worked 3 days a week and used a nursery. Their father was good at helping out too.

Best of luck, it does get easier.

Looking after little ones is exhausting and for me very boring as well. The house gets messy and constantly having to follow them around being high on alert to make sure they don't accidentally kill themselves is mentally and physical exhausting. 2 is too young to communicate and reason with and in comes the tantrums. I've worked in very toxic environments before and believe me it was more enjoyable but it this draining period did pass. I think you need some time away from your dc and as pp have mentioned about using free hours in a child care setting where you get a break and hopefully recharge and discover yourself will help you and of course your dc as well. Rediscovering yourself may will help you focus on what you want to do with your life in the long run because believe it or not, they start school and you have these hours left for yourself.

Some people take to motherhood and some dont.
Not everyone needs to see a GP its a hard thing to explain.
Some have a maternal instinct some dont.
I dont never have so didnt have or want kids.
I dont look at friends babies and think so cute i think thank god its not mine.
Oldest sister has kids and loves it.
Middle sister same loves it.
Middle sisters twin same as me NO thank you just not us.

Yes, you are depressed and you 100% need help.

Speak to your GP or if you can afford seek a therapist so you can talk to someone.

Get help around the house, maybe a helper/nanny that can look after your baby while you that unwell