I hate my toddler and being a mother.. does that make me a vile human?!

[Ammi2one]

No, im not depressed. I dont have a hormonal imbalance nor do i need to “speak to someone”” or take tablets. As true as the sky is blue, i detest being a mother and genuinely resent my toddler. Which sends me down a self loating and hating spiral of guilt and shame daily. Am i the only one?

dont get me wrong there are pockets of joy, but these are no where near the idealic life it appears every parent around me is living. And i cant help but compare and wonder why i dont have those same warm fuzzy feelings. I gave up a career, social
life, family life, financial security and just a general feeling of accomplishment in life to now constantly be worried about debt, lack of career, a husband who doesnt understand anything im experiencing, a relationship that is more of a friendship now than a marriage really, minimal contact with family and friends… and all for what? A screaming 2 year old who tests me to my limit daily. Maybe i just was not built for this. But how do women cope in this situation? Like do you just crack on and hope that you will some how raise a well adjusted individual and get over it?! Like im seriously at rock bottom and am now turning to some sort of validation online from strangers , while people who know me just keep saying “o you don’t mean that” “o its just a phase” “o its fine you will be fine” …. Like seriously am i the i the only one in the world feeling like this?!?

You're not vile. You've had major changes to your life and sound like you are grieving what you've lost. That sounds totally rational to me.

I'm really pleased to hear from your update that you're returning to work. Honestly I think that will help a lot. While working makes some hints more rushed and makes balancing everything challenging at times, it sounds like you really need the adult interaction, intellectual challenge and feeling of success that it can bring. It sounds like it will be financially rewarding too. I love being a mum and I love my 4 DC. But there's nothing like being able to chat to adults at lunchtime without having to have an eye on someone! Enjoying being valuedfor what I'm good at.... Ah that's great. For me, part time is a good balance, but don't feel you shoudnt consider full time. Especially for an older child, childcare professionals can be great. Out nanny is definitely better with children than I am! My eldest is very jealous that she hardly gets any time with her.

Have you now recovered from the birth? It's not clear from your post of you are still suffering from ongoijg issues. I hope you are now feeling well.

Why have you lost family/friends/socialising? Is that something you can reinstate? You shouldnt be doing this alone. It's good for your children to see you modelling healthy friendships.

Perhaps its a bit late for this advice on toddler groups... but in my experience paid for activities with a specific focus e.g. baby sensory, dance classes are nice but not a good way to socialise or meet mum friend. Far better for this are the free ones like children's centres or church halls. If you'll still be taking your DC to groups perhaps this is something to consider.

I'll Never forget the days of sitting in library groups or baby massage and thinking what the hell is my life, on edge constantly, not making any friends as it was just awkward and I'm not great at small talk, it was exhausting. And staying in was even worse! The days felt like they lasted forever. Now mine is 6 and it's world's away from even just a couple of years ago. I never felt like I hated my child admittedly, but I definitely did hate being a parent for the first few years and thought I'd ruined my life.

You DO need to talk to someone, urgently. It’s not normal to feel this extreme and you don’t have to accept this as your lot, please seek out help.

@Ammi2one toddlers are hard work. They have huge egos and absolutely no interest in anything but their own needs and wants.
That is the way they are.
I found the toddler years the hardest, the most exhausting and the most boring. I dislike pretty well all toddlers.
We are presented with this Disney-like model of how our lives as mothers should be, how are children should behave and how we should be standing there all unruffled and with serene, beautiful on our faces. We feel a failure if things aren’t that way and of course because the ideal is nonsense we always feel rubbish.
Glad you have reached out here.
Hope going back to work gives you much need space.
Not everyone is cut out to stay at home full time with their kids.

@Ammi2one it sounds like you've had to give up a lot of yourself, with little support or feeling of being in any sort of team while going through this. The roles we have in life contribute a lot to our sense of identity and fulfilment, and it can feel soul-destroying to feel trapped in a single role that you don't enjoy.

My advice would be to try to find space to regain other parts of yourself. I find work is so important for me, it's a place where I'm not just mum, other people don't judge my value based on how many times a small child has lain on the floor screaming, and I'm less likely to get vomit or mud all over me. DH and I also make a commitment that each week, we each get one evening 'off' and just for ourselves individually - to go do something outside of being parents and spouses, like a sports class or a gig or just to read a book in peace. It really helps us stay (comparatively) sane to have space for our own interests.

Toddlers are hard. Lots of people don't enjoy parts of parenting, and I know lots of people who are finding toddler parenting really hard work. It can help to find a supportive group of parents, who can share in the highs, lows and tantrums. You might find some at nursery - you could even say to the nursery staff that you'd be keen to make connections with parents of children your child likes, and could they help you with that. Our nursery was great at saying if DC was playing with someone in particular and getting parents in contact to discuss playdates or other activities. I've found that classes aren't that great for making friends, but that free play sessions (especially ones with cups of coffee involved!) are much better - there's less pressure and less competition. My rule for activities has been to say yes to every invitation I can, at least once - if we hate it, we never have to go back, but we won't know if we like it until we try!

I think this is an incredibly relevant point OP.

10 yrs of trying to finally having a child

That must have been HARD
and the reality is just not going to live up to the hype… I know a few women who struggled with this.

honestly… if you can afford it put your DS in nursery for a few weeks before you go back.
use the time to:

• Do your hair and nails (or whatever). I do my nails at home but have no time on mat leave.
• go through your wardrobe and go shopping if needed so you sort 3 or 4 work outfits that make you look/feel good
• go through your make up bag and get rid of all the old stuff.l then go down to bobbi brown or boots or whatever and get a couple of new bits of make up and have a make up demo if you can.

He deserves a parent who is fully present but for me its u realistic to think i can provide this 100% text book parent- whatever that is.

You don’t need to provide it 100%. Nobody can be ‘on’ 100% of the time. I see my parenting as a sliding scale. I know the type of parent I want to be but I never reach 100%. Some days I reach 90%, on days when my toddler is listening and being pleasant, when I’ve had enough sleep, my husband has had enough sleep. On days when my toddler is more difficult, I’m tired, I’ve got into an argument with my husband or I’m feeing run down, I’m probably about 50-60% of the parent I want to be. It probably averages out at about 70-80% of the parent I want to be. I’m OK with that.

You’re going to back work soon, that should help. But you don’t need to strive for the textbook parent, you need to strive for what you think makes a good parent. Then you need to realise you’re never going to be 100% that parent and that’s ok. You might be hitting 60% at the minute and that might feel too low, so what can help you get to a high percentage? Is it having some time to yourself, making new friends, getting a cleaner? Work towards putting something in place to improve your average percentage but it’s constantly evolving and so it might be easier for you to parent a 3 year old than it is a 2 year old. Consider the average overall, not just this in this difficult phase. You’re already getting a high percentage because you’ve done baby groups and activities with him, you’ve thought about his development.

Agree with this. I want to be the parent who fills my child's day with worthwhile activities, nature walks, baking, drawing etc. But some days he's watching TV for a few hours while I'm tackling the mess that is my house, some days he has chicken nuggets and chips for tea not a home cooked dinner, sometimes I pick my battles and just get through the day for an easier life. Lowering your expectations is really helpful.

Oh my goodness OP, I was you! I was exactly where you are and just couldn’t believe I felt that way. He too was a longed for child and I was just in disbelief at how badly I felt I was failing.

I too had very little support and the whole thing was a whirlwind of isolation, loneliness, anxiety and competitiveness. Alongside feelings of bitterness that this was how I felt.

I thought I hated my baby (although, like you, I knew I didn’t, which in itself was so confusing!).

I fell pregnant unplanned when he was just over 1, and I’m almost entirely sure that if that hadn’t happened he’d be an only child.

It wasn’t until I had my second child (unbelievably I now have 4!) that I realised, I absolutely love my children, I just HATE this totally ridiculous, irrational, stupid toddler phase.

Other people love it, but no, not for me!

I was only able to realise this with the passage of time, with creating a life and memories and personalities with my child/children.

I am almost certain that you will get there too, and you may look back at this post in a couple of years and forget the person who wrote it.

By the way, it’s worth reading about the ‘good enough mother’, I think it’s Donald Winnicott.

Depending on your personality or childhood or whatever, you may be holding yourself to a much too high standard of expectation. It’s important to be kind to yourself too.

Best of luck!

I actually think you are quite brave to admit how you feel on here. I don't suspect you hate your child really, but you just hate how things are at the moment , having a toddler 24/7 is tough when you don't have any breaks.

I really hope when you go back to work that things get better for you , work will allow you to have that much needed break and then you will start to appreciate your time more with your child.

2 year olds are rough!!! It honestly does get easier as you can communicate with them more. I absolutely adore my sons but the motherhood bit is really exhausting. I don’t enjoy baby groups or making mum friends and I can’t handle the competitiveness of it all!

If you haven’t been working recently it will be really tough and feel like you don’t have an identity outside of motherhood. Getting back to work will do you the world of good. I love my kids but I’d really struggle to be a SAHM - hats off to them! Please don’t feel awful about yourself, you’re just a human trying their best. Oh and I’d come off social media, it does nothing but make me feel shit about my parenting!!

I found going back to work, my DC starting full time nursery (well 4 days!), to be a very big positive for my mental health.

Toddlers benefit from the structure and socialisation of nursery. I then started to feel human again and got a piece of me back. Personally I found that feeling like me again enhanced my mood. So OP, go back to work, enjoy the time away. You won’t recognise yourself once you settle in to it. Your relationship with your DS will improve and those pockets of joy will increase.

Good luck. Remember - happy mum happy baby.

Do you hate your toddler? Or do you love your toddler too pieces and just hate the toddler stage! All parents will have stages they like more than others. Like all stages in parenthood, this one will pass.

This is why I am not having another. I could not do age 2 to 3 again. I was single at the time and omg I was desperate! Solidarity. Its hard work

Someone told me once that it's entirely possible to love your baby but loathe your life. I have most definitely been there and for the record, if anyone (incl docs) asked if I felt depressed, I said no. Quite truthfully - I didn't feel depressed, I just fucking hated my life and thought I was shit at this new job. Eventually I hit crisis point and asked for help. I was dangerously ill by then. It's normal to find it bloody hard, and toddlers can be beyond exhausting. It definitely gets easier as they get older in many ways, but do please consider that there could be underlying depression of some sort - even if if doesn't conform to what you imagined - it certainly didn't in my case.

You can never 'try all the talking therapies', like you've done them a couple of times and they didn't work. Just haven't found the right one. Isn't MN a talking therapy?

Going back to work will help as it'll feel like a break. When you are a SAHM not by choice, it's tricky, I found it hard to relate to the mums that had chosen it and loved every minute. I had a friend who loved it so much and couldn't understand why I found it hard. Her kids were way easier, that's why.

Parenting is very intensive now, it's exhausting. I wouldn't want to go back to the 70s/80s when people left their kids in the pub car park with a packet of crisps whilst they went inside, but it must have been easier back then 😂

Can you go back to work? Are you full time with a 2 year old?

Can you put them in nursery.

Invite mums round on Fri/ sat nights.

Early evenings.

4 to 10 years old is a complete joy.

0 to 4 can be hard.

I'm glad you're going back to work @Ammi2one - honestly, being a SAHM was not for me and I had an easy time of it with my kids but the value of time being me, not 'mummy' was immense. I imagine it could be a lifesaver with a difficult toddler. It will be tiring but hopefully time with your LO will feel more valuable and I hope he or she does come out of the really difficult stage soon.

I do think one needs to try to let go of your past social life and so on and accept it for what it is. It's the same for most parents that social life will tail off and so on, so one just needs to drop harking back to it and maybe finding was to arrange a few things to look forward to when you can.

I dont know how mums do it or how they cope with all the tantrums and the responsibility and thats for 18 years.

I’m a mother of 3. I’ve never given up my career, social life, friends, hobbies and while on occasion I’d have loved to have strung up my DH we mostly love the bones of each other and while all of these have waxed and waned over my children’s early childhood but honestly @Ammi2one I’d have gone stir crazy if I’d done what you have done. You have given up so much and it sounds like you are struggling with your new identity. Most of my peers are the same as I am. We all highly value our kids too and have been heavily involved in their extra curriculars over the years too.

My eldest is in uni she doesn’t seem to bare many scars of my not spending every waking moment with her either. She has a lovely relationship with a lovely chap and loves coming home to spend time with us. The other two are moving through nicely as well even with issues around SEN with the youngest.

I hope you are back at work and feeling much better OP