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Original poster

10 year old can't fall asleep without me in the room. Any tips?

74 replies

Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 14:11

I don't mind staying there until she falls asleep (sat on a chair) but she is now 10 and would be nice if she could fall asleep without me in the room. She doesn't suffer anxiety during the day but at night is scared if I leave room as she is falling asleep and panics. She also has to have calm app on. I just don't know how to get round it, she has never ever gone to bed and to sleep without me there. Or is it something I shouldn't worry about just yet? Anyone else have this issue?

OP posts:
GoodOnPaper · 15/04/2024 14:19

I'm sure you're not the only one who has this, or similar issues at this age.

You are unintentionally fuelling her anxiety as you are reinforcing that you are needed there for her to go to sleep by your actions. You may benefit from some help from a CBT therapist or reading around the best way to manage this. Books like 'starving the anxiety gremlin' or 'Outsmarting worry' An older kid's guide to managing anxiety might be helpful for you. It's something you need to work on with her (but also working on yourself and understanding how not to reinforce her worries by the words and actions you use).

I hope that's helpful - it is a good time to tackle it as it will start affecting what she's able to do (school residentials, sleepovers etc) and her confidence generally.

Bloom15 · 15/04/2024 14:30

Interested in this too as my DS is 8 and needs me or DH in his room until he falls asleep, otherwise he is up every minute with some complaint or other. He does have some anxiety. We were going to start moving closer to the door then outside but anything else would be useful

Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 14:42

Bloom15 · 15/04/2024 14:30

Interested in this too as my DS is 8 and needs me or DH in his room until he falls asleep, otherwise he is up every minute with some complaint or other. He does have some anxiety. We were going to start moving closer to the door then outside but anything else would be useful

Glad it's not just us! Is your child an only child?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
Mamoun · 15/04/2024 14:44

Have you tried to say I'll come every 5 minutes to check on you, in the meantime I'll be running errands... hopefully she will get used to you being out of the room?

Ineedanewsofa · 15/04/2024 14:50

This was my DC until very recently (and progress has not been linear by any stretch!) Crippling bedtime anxiety, tears up to the point of panic attack if we tried to leave, shouting for us in the night, unable to fall asleep for anyone but us. We tried books (dread your bed, that bloody rabbit book), worry monsters, classic fm, calm app and even a return to the retreat method. We saw very little progress.
The things I think have worked (in no particular order)
A later lights out time!
No sugar after 5pm
No ipad time after 6pm/no screens after 7pm in the week
Being physically tired
Audio books in the bedroom rather than us physically being in the room reading (we read together downstairs)
DC getting to an age where they want to do sleepovers etc because all friends are (DC nearly 9)
Most bedtimes are fuss free now and the ones that aren’t I can pretty much guarantee that DC will wake up the next day full of cold! Or it’s because a big change (in their eyes) is about to happen. Those nights we go back to sitting with them 😊
Good luck

SusieN · 15/04/2024 14:50

Gradually reduce the time you spend in the room until the child falls asleep.
Create a nightly ritual, such as reading a book, getting a gentle massage, or listening to soothing music.
Talk to your child about his fears. It is important to understand what exactly is bothering him.
buy an interesting night light, projector, etc.
If the problem is not solved, then consider contacting a child psychologist/
my child was helped by a wall lamp in the shape of a month, a projector and a garland

foodtoorder · 15/04/2024 14:51

Honestly, you need to be reassuring but firm to get back to and to stay in bed.
By all means slowly withdraw and offer check reassurances, explain what you'll be doing but if they don't have any learning, autism or anxiety concerns they are old enough to understand.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/04/2024 14:52

Mine was in our room until her 13th birthday. She had really bad anxiety about sleeping on her own.

Departed on her birthday and never returned. Nothing worked except that.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/04/2024 14:55

Have a cuddle and then say you'll go and clean the bathroom ,it'll be comforting to hear you batting around in another room and tell her you'll be back in 5 mins. Increase the time gradually but always go back or she won't trust you and her anxiety will rocket.

toycat · 15/04/2024 14:56

Following as we have the same issue with our kid. They'll go to sleep fine with other kids on a sleepover, but we have to stay in the room currently as no other kids at home

Peonies12 · 15/04/2024 14:57

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/04/2024 14:55

Have a cuddle and then say you'll go and clean the bathroom ,it'll be comforting to hear you batting around in another room and tell her you'll be back in 5 mins. Increase the time gradually but always go back or she won't trust you and her anxiety will rocket.

This is a good idea, so she can hear you around but not in the room. Then gradually start going further away, downstairs if you can. talk through what is worrying her and seeing if you can address it. Could you talk in a positive way about things she might like to do soon like sleepovers, school trips etc, she wouldn't want to miss out on.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 15/04/2024 14:57

At 10 surely you can explain you have stuff to do or a bath and some relaxation time to have ? Old enough to be more understanding you have needs also.

booktokbear · 15/04/2024 14:58

Hey, I had the same until my DS was 11 and finished year 6.

I just went with it and he just grew out of it. He's an only child too.

He listens to an audiobook now and that works a treat.

I totally get where you are, and comments about how "you're making things worse" always upset me.

I was scared if the dark when I was that age so wasn't going to just shout at him to get on with it.

It resolved itself like I hoped it always would.

You'll get there op, I know it's really hard to lose your evenings though Flowers

Donotgogentle · 15/04/2024 14:59

This went on with our DS until he was 13, when he said he didn’t need us to stay with him anymore. He wasn’t anxious.

Diagnosed with ADHD at 15, which I suspect was a big part of it, struggling to relax and let go.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 15/04/2024 15:02

My DD was in with me until she was 11 and a half. In my experience, it had to be when she was ready and I had to be led by her. I'd tried everything (from birth) and nowt worked until she was ready.

She's very anxious and also Autistic, so the usual expectarions at that age, as well as any reasoning / understanding / acceptance simply didn't and doesn't work for her.

Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:44

Ineedanewsofa · 15/04/2024 14:50

This was my DC until very recently (and progress has not been linear by any stretch!) Crippling bedtime anxiety, tears up to the point of panic attack if we tried to leave, shouting for us in the night, unable to fall asleep for anyone but us. We tried books (dread your bed, that bloody rabbit book), worry monsters, classic fm, calm app and even a return to the retreat method. We saw very little progress.
The things I think have worked (in no particular order)
A later lights out time!
No sugar after 5pm
No ipad time after 6pm/no screens after 7pm in the week
Being physically tired
Audio books in the bedroom rather than us physically being in the room reading (we read together downstairs)
DC getting to an age where they want to do sleepovers etc because all friends are (DC nearly 9)
Most bedtimes are fuss free now and the ones that aren’t I can pretty much guarantee that DC will wake up the next day full of cold! Or it’s because a big change (in their eyes) is about to happen. Those nights we go back to sitting with them 😊
Good luck

This sounds fab

OP posts:
Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:45

foodtoorder · 15/04/2024 14:51

Honestly, you need to be reassuring but firm to get back to and to stay in bed.
By all means slowly withdraw and offer check reassurances, explain what you'll be doing but if they don't have any learning, autism or anxiety concerns they are old enough to understand.

She says that she has scary puppets pop
In her head when I'm not there and she is scared

OP posts:
Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:48

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/04/2024 14:52

Mine was in our room until her 13th birthday. She had really bad anxiety about sleeping on her own.

Departed on her birthday and never returned. Nothing worked except that.

Wow that's so reassuring. She just gets so worked up and scared if I'm not there. Once asleep she is fine and sleeps no issues. It's just being alone in her room when it's night she said she feels scared

OP posts:
Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:48

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 15/04/2024 14:57

At 10 surely you can explain you have stuff to do or a bath and some relaxation time to have ? Old enough to be more understanding you have needs also.

Yes I do but she asks me what can I do when I feel scared and scary things pop in my head etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:50

booktokbear · 15/04/2024 14:58

Hey, I had the same until my DS was 11 and finished year 6.

I just went with it and he just grew out of it. He's an only child too.

He listens to an audiobook now and that works a treat.

I totally get where you are, and comments about how "you're making things worse" always upset me.

I was scared if the dark when I was that age so wasn't going to just shout at him to get on with it.

It resolved itself like I hoped it always would.

You'll get there op, I know it's really hard to lose your evenings though Flowers

Thanks so much. I'm really hoping it resolves itself. Good to know we are not only ones. She is not exposed to horror films etc but is scared easily by monsters
Etc even if it's a PG

OP posts:
Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:52

Mamoun · 15/04/2024 14:44

Have you tried to say I'll come every 5 minutes to check on you, in the meantime I'll be running errands... hopefully she will get used to you being out of the room?

Will try this tonight..

OP posts:
Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:56

SusieN · 15/04/2024 14:50

Gradually reduce the time you spend in the room until the child falls asleep.
Create a nightly ritual, such as reading a book, getting a gentle massage, or listening to soothing music.
Talk to your child about his fears. It is important to understand what exactly is bothering him.
buy an interesting night light, projector, etc.
If the problem is not solved, then consider contacting a child psychologist/
my child was helped by a wall lamp in the shape of a month, a projector and a garland

This is really helpful thankyou xxxxx

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 15/04/2024 16:56

I think with only children it's easier to prolong bedtime shenanigans as you haven't got another child to put to bed. DD (also an only) slept in my bed until she was 10. Large pregnancy pillow she could basically make a nest around herself with and a weighted blanket from Kudd.ly have been game changers though.

I wonder if you need to help her during the day, draw out a cartoon of what happens or what she's worried about happening when she falls asleep and then talk her through each scenario and practise. It sounds like the puppet think might be more her REM pattern and the thoughts/dreams then. So if she's dreaming of scary puppets how could she defeat them? Think up lots of scenarios.

Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:57

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/04/2024 14:55

Have a cuddle and then say you'll go and clean the bathroom ,it'll be comforting to hear you batting around in another room and tell her you'll be back in 5 mins. Increase the time gradually but always go back or she won't trust you and her anxiety will rocket.

Brill idea!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 16:58

toycat · 15/04/2024 14:56

Following as we have the same issue with our kid. They'll go to sleep fine with other kids on a sleepover, but we have to stay in the room currently as no other kids at home

Yes we have just one child and I wondered if it was one child thing? Not sure

OP posts: