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Original poster

10 year old can't fall asleep without me in the room. Any tips?

74 replies

Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 14:11

I don't mind staying there until she falls asleep (sat on a chair) but she is now 10 and would be nice if she could fall asleep without me in the room. She doesn't suffer anxiety during the day but at night is scared if I leave room as she is falling asleep and panics. She also has to have calm app on. I just don't know how to get round it, she has never ever gone to bed and to sleep without me there. Or is it something I shouldn't worry about just yet? Anyone else have this issue?

OP posts:
SundayTulips · 15/04/2024 21:48

We literally just cracked this with my 8 year old. I used to have to lie in bed with him, but I moved gradually further away. So for a week I was next to the bed, then for a few days I was in the doorway, then I was in the hall but where he could see me, then in the hall but he couldn’t see me, but I’d answer if he called out. Then I said I’d be there but wouldn’t answer, then I moved to the first step of the stairs, etc etc until eventually I was allowed on a different floor with a promise to check back after 5 mins/10 mins etc. Initially lots of tears with each move and a bit of panic but he has been great. And he’s falling asleep much quicker and is better rested too

Original poster
Blythe1973 · 15/04/2024 22:01

DuploTrain · 15/04/2024 21:38

I was exactly like this as a child. And I’m not an only child. My siblings were fine but I was just very anxious. Every shadow was scary, my imagination would run riot even though logically I knew there was nothing there.

No advice really as my parents tried everything but nothing helped except just being there. I grew out of it at about 11 or 12 I think.

Edited

Wow this is like my child!!! Gosh! Good to know you grew out of it. Aw must have been scary for you at the time. Xx

OP posts:
Neome · 15/04/2024 22:12

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/04/2024 14:52

Mine was in our room until her 13th birthday. She had really bad anxiety about sleeping on her own.

Departed on her birthday and never returned. Nothing worked except that.

You have made me feel so much better. There is hope then? Thank God.

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Mamoun · 15/04/2024 22:23

How did it go tonight?

Bloom15 · 15/04/2024 22:29

Yes @Blythe1973 - is it the same for you? He was fine until the various lockdowns

tunainatin · 15/04/2024 22:31

Could you potter around, in her room at first, and then as she gets used to that, generally upstairs so that she can hear you and know that you are near? This worked in getting my son out of a similar habit

Bloom15 · 15/04/2024 22:32

Ineedanewsofa · 15/04/2024 14:50

This was my DC until very recently (and progress has not been linear by any stretch!) Crippling bedtime anxiety, tears up to the point of panic attack if we tried to leave, shouting for us in the night, unable to fall asleep for anyone but us. We tried books (dread your bed, that bloody rabbit book), worry monsters, classic fm, calm app and even a return to the retreat method. We saw very little progress.
The things I think have worked (in no particular order)
A later lights out time!
No sugar after 5pm
No ipad time after 6pm/no screens after 7pm in the week
Being physically tired
Audio books in the bedroom rather than us physically being in the room reading (we read together downstairs)
DC getting to an age where they want to do sleepovers etc because all friends are (DC nearly 9)
Most bedtimes are fuss free now and the ones that aren’t I can pretty much guarantee that DC will wake up the next day full of cold! Or it’s because a big change (in their eyes) is about to happen. Those nights we go back to sitting with them 😊
Good luck

This is really helpful - and glad that there might be an end to this!

10in10 · 15/04/2024 22:48

Omg, this is us!!! I've been tempted to post over the years but haven't because I didn't think mumsnet would be kind. My dd is also 10 and has a school residential coming up. We're currently on day 5 of her going to sleep on her own but it's been gone 10.00 each of those nights. Still, the progress is a BIG deal!!

Mine doesn't suffer from anxiety it's like she's just not able to fall asleep on her own. She often falls asleep and wakes minutes later not realising she'd been asleep. She also wakes up every single night and comes into our bed.

We've tried a lot of things and have a good bedtime routine and no screens before bed.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 15/04/2024 23:06

SusieN · 15/04/2024 14:50

Gradually reduce the time you spend in the room until the child falls asleep.
Create a nightly ritual, such as reading a book, getting a gentle massage, or listening to soothing music.
Talk to your child about his fears. It is important to understand what exactly is bothering him.
buy an interesting night light, projector, etc.
If the problem is not solved, then consider contacting a child psychologist/
my child was helped by a wall lamp in the shape of a month, a projector and a garland

Low level lighting is a good idea - but not sure about the projector - I think a lot of children may find shapes on the wall a bit scary . And be wary of any shadows left by the lamp .

I can totally understand anyone who is scared of the dark - I still won't sleep in a completely dark room and I'm in my 50s!

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 15/04/2024 23:11

I wonder if any CBT or mindfulness strategies would help with scary thoughts ?

lingmerth · 15/04/2024 23:34

Oh this had taken me back to sitting on the stairs night after night while my 8 year old son tried to go to sleep. I'd gradually move down a step thinking he was dropping off then he'd shout 'are you still there mummy?'it would get to 10pm and he'd still be awake. I remember taking him to a dr following a referral from the school nurse and she was lovely. She said that as he was resting it was good for his body as he was relaxing even though not asleep. I think it was a load of rubbish looking back but I felt reassured and decided to stick with being on the stairs night after night until he grew out of it which he did.
He also listened to 'the most relaxing classical music ever' cd which helped enormously!

Original poster
Blythe1973 · 16/04/2024 00:03

@lingmerth
Oh gosh! So When did he grow out if it! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Blythe1973 · 16/04/2024 00:08

Mamoun · 15/04/2024 22:23

How did it go tonight?

I put an audiobook on for her and said I had to phone her uncle (my brother) I left her for about 10 mins alone on the room. She was sat upright when I went in waiting for me but at least she is on her own. I will very gradually attempt to build on it really gradually. Some of the tips here have been great. You don't know who to ask! X

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/04/2024 00:13

I think if she's going to listen to audio books then ear buds/ phones are a good idea and she should cosy down in bed. That way she's concentrating on the story and not listening for you so much. Easier to fall asleep too ime. Good luck 🤞

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/04/2024 00:17

Just to add, don't overly worry about this, start to withdraw as suggested but honestly in a very short time she'll not need you so much. I look back on all the things I used to worry about when my ds was little ,he's and adult now, and I wonder why I gave things so much head space, things tend to work themselves out eventually.

ohdofukoff · 16/04/2024 00:20

No advice.. I still have to cuddle mine to sleep and she's 9

Brawcolli · 16/04/2024 00:26

Ihadenough22 · 15/04/2024 18:05

I can understand that an autistic child might need you in their room but the poster here child does not have autism.
At 10 years old they should be able to fall asleep in their room on their own. The truth is that you should have stopped this years ago.
I tell her that at 10 that she is a big girl and that your no longer going to stay with her every night till she falls asleep. If she keeps coming back to you say no, its time to go to your own bed and bring her back to her bed.
You need to keep doing this. I also stop all screens, computer games ect. If she has mobile phone take it off her as well and tell her she have it back when she is going to bed and asleep on her own.
If she won't do this I tell her that she will be getting no sweets, money, trips with her friends, no going to socal activities ect until she stops behaving like a baby.
My feeling is that she won't like this but tell her that what happens when she refuses to listen to you. It time you to deal with her. Along with this your entitled to some child free time in the evening.

This is such bad advice! Belittling a child for needing reassurance and closeness is never a good idea.

tangycheesythings · 16/04/2024 00:29

I used to settle my lad and sit in the chair then say 'oops I forgot to switch the dryer off - back in a tic' then pop off to potter for a minute, humming so he knows I'm there, then pop back. Increase the time you're gone gradually and eventually they fall asleep while you're out of the room.

I think some people think the house needs to be silent for their kids to drop off - many kids prefer to hear life going on while they doze off. No need to be quiet - silence can be a bit eerie.

pelotonaddiction · 16/04/2024 00:56

tangycheesythings · 16/04/2024 00:29

I used to settle my lad and sit in the chair then say 'oops I forgot to switch the dryer off - back in a tic' then pop off to potter for a minute, humming so he knows I'm there, then pop back. Increase the time you're gone gradually and eventually they fall asleep while you're out of the room.

I think some people think the house needs to be silent for their kids to drop off - many kids prefer to hear life going on while they doze off. No need to be quiet - silence can be a bit eerie.

Definitely that
We lived above a pub and as a child I fell asleep to the noise of glasses being collected, quiet talking, music, laughter. It felt weird if it was quiet!
Funnily I had to go home for Christmas one year and had been working nights. Had the best sleep ever hearing all the noise in the pub going on

I would potter about, whatever you can do upstairs, make a phone call in a room that she can just hear you from, put the TV on etc
More like you're trying to get a baby used to noise rather than be quiet for sleep if that makes sense

Singleandproud · 16/04/2024 07:48

@Screamingabdabz Was there any need for that? All of the chores are mine in our house as my name suggests so I wasn't being 'housewife' specific. Regardless I was just suggesting ways that OP (or her partner) could kill time whilst waiting for her daughter to go to sleep. Nothing '1950s housewife' about it, looking after the house has to be done by someone and the person with an hour to kill sounds sensible.

@Ihadenough22 you have no idea if this child has autism (or any other undiagnosed condition) as I mentioned earlier, my DD coslept with me every night until she was 10 and then stopped suddenly. She wasn't diagnosed as autistic until she was 13. Treating a child with love and support and slowly building up resilience and independence is always the way to go, not belittling her and making her feel insecure

lingmerth · 16/04/2024 08:15

@Blythe1973 took about a year!
He's 33 now with no lasting effects 😂

Ineedanewsofa · 16/04/2024 08:16

Sounds like some progress made @Blythe1973 😊 I should have also added to my list the “popping to do a noisy job/have a shower” trick as it has definitely helped us - particularly the shower I think as DC can hear it from their room so they a) know where I am and b) have gentle white noise is the background.

SeaToSki · 17/04/2024 17:52

I just remembered that I also used to offer dc that I could nip downstairs and tidy their toys up for them so they wouldnt need to do it in the morning before school (that always got a yes please) or make a deluxe packed lunch as I would have a bit of extra time if I did it the night before. Then in the morning if I ever had a you didnt come back and check on me, I would remind them of the job I was doing and say I did come back and tell a funny story about how I found them asleep with all their covers kicked onto the floor, or their teddy upside down on their nose…which always shifted the attention away from their anxiety to their success in a funny way. My youngest DD always says she sleeps like a starfish because of how I had to tuck her arms and legs back into bed when I came back to check on her.

TadpolesInPool · 17/04/2024 19:02

My DS2 (so not an only!) Is 10 and still needs me to lie with him to get to sleep. He has been on numerous sleepovers (4 in the last school holidays) and can sleepover at grandparents house without me. He just always needs someone in his room when he goes to sleep.

DS1 was exactly the same and started going to sleep alone when he was 11. Although he still needs a fan and sleep hypnosis from youtube....

Both have ADHD and dyspraxia and diagnosed anxiety. DS2 is currently seeing a psychiatrist every 2 weeks for anxiety/his nightly nightmares.

If you met him during the day you would have NO idea. He is full of smiles, very gregarious and popular at school and succeding academically and in his sport.

But he won't go into the bathroom to shower alone, or into his bedroom after dark. None of the techniques on this thread worked with his brother, only time.

It is annoying, especially after so many years. But I am there for him when he needs it. I too don't like sleeping in the dark even now!

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