How did you learn what you needed to know before having a baby?

[natura]

Talking to a friend who's just found out she's pregnant. Neither of us have mothers ourselves (a combination of death and estrangement) and we both live a good distance from family.

She's never been around babies before, and while her partner had younger siblings, he never knew any of the basics of caring for a baby. She's terrified of not knowing things that other people consider 'common knowledge' - how to feed her baby and how often, what to avoid, risks and dangers she has no idea about, health-related things to look out for, signs to respond to... and I'm in exactly the same position, although not pregnant.

How did you learn / find out how to care for your first baby? Did you have lots of support from other mothers or your own parents, did you do lots of reading and research, or was it all 'learn as you go'?

Did NCT classes but appreciate that has a cost. otherwise just NHS website, NCT website, friends and family. but so much is instinct.

We picked her up from SS, she then needed her nappy changing at the service station and we went “wtf do we do” and hashed a nappy change.

You just learn on the job.

If they’re crying they’re either hungry, full nappy, tired, cold, hot, feel a bit rough or just very very grumpy, you soon learn which cry is which.

I was in a similar situation, lost both DM and MIL.

We did NCT class before baby came. You will also get advice from midwife, the midwives at the hospital and health visitor.

It is very much learn as you go though! Won't lie, it's scary at first but you quickly adapt and learn your own baby and what they need

You used to get a pregnancy book from the NHS followed by one called "Birth to Five".
Very useful books - they don't give them out anymore apparently but I suppose all the information is available online. I read a few other books from the library and Mother and Baby magazine (I think that's no longer published but again similar is probably online).
I went to regular health visitor weigh ins - where they gave you advice if you needed it. They ran a newborn - 9 months parent and baby group and then I switched to Stay and Play sessions (all of these were health visitor or "council" led groups).
I talked to other parents, family members, friends - but mostly it was a lot of trial and error !

I learned from NCT, although DH has a sister 14 years younger than him so had been around babies more than me.

There's probably useful stuff on YouTube, TikTok, insta, but ask for recommendations because I don't know who is good and sensible and who is a bit of a whacko - there is some parenting stuff that gets linked into woo that gets linked into mad conspiracy stuff, so one would need to be alert to that. You can probably google to see who is recommended and mainstream.

I wish I had known anything. I was 37 and had never even held a baby before. It was bloody difficult. I bought some books ( no internet then) but babies don't follow rules.
Take all the advice you can get.

I did four years of medical training plus my mother is a district nurse. But a lot was covered in school. Private school tho.

We did the NCT course and knew very little going into it
I did some reading about cloth nappies and did the nappy lady questionnaire to learn more
My sister told me about cluster feeding but that was the only advice I got.

Free antinatal class that midwife/health visitor told us about right before birth

Basically spent my life googling “is it normal”.

also, trust your instincts. Babies are miniature versions of us that get hungry, hot, cold, uncomfortable, happy, sad etc with triggers - you learn quickly what might be the problem but I promise no one is a perfect parent from day 1 (or day 4000, or whatever I’m up to).

I went to 6 NCT classes, and bought myself a book on baby care.

Then worked it out as I went along.

Antenatal classes- the local midwife run one was excellent and focused as much on the psychological shift of parenthood as the nuts and bolts of baby care.

Books - your baby week by week has been quite good
Insta - though it can be hard to tell the nonsense from the sense.
Friends with kids
Mumsnet

By doing - all babies are a bit different and what works for one won't for another
Specialist midwife (re feeding).

TBH a lot of the stuff you could read or learn before baby arrives will not sink in. And at 3am you'll still resort to Google.

I remember a bit about changing Nappies from when my much younger sibling was a baby, but loads of stuff has changed (sleep guidance, bottle feeding technique).

Learn as you go.

Obviously research the basics and get the equipment you need - bottles, formula, nappies, wipes, babygrows etc. But I found no amount of classes prepared me for mine. Both so different and just had to learn how to care for them as I got to know them. Still doing that to be honest!

Read books and talked to my friends who had children already. Disregarded "advice" from my mum and MIL as a lot is now outdated.

One thing I was never told and was berated by a midwife for not knowing is that you have to feed newborns at least every three hours if breastfeeding. On the ward I was on all the other babies were bottle fed, so someone came round every 3 hours or so with a ready prepared bottle.

When my son was born I fed him not long after he was born, about 1 am, again when I went round to the ward about 3am, again about 7am when I was woken for breakfast. A midwife came round just after 11am and yelled at me for not having fed him again - I thought let sleeping babies lie. I then had issues with him latching which she blamed on me letting him get overhungry. Think she was pissed off because they were looking to discharge me but couldn't until they'd seen me do at least one successful breastfeed.

It was literally not in any single book I had read that you need to wake them as newborns for feeds but apparently "common knowledge".

I knew nothing at all and didn't make any effort to find out 🤣 I'd never really even seen a baby up close or ever held one and was the first in my friendship group to give birth. You just learn as you go - but I was pleasantly surprised that an awful lot if it is pure instinct. If you're generally a competent, sensible human being then you'll be fine 👍

Babies are amazing teachers. They'll let you know when you need to jump and how high. But you can read books that offer a reasonable illusion of control framework to work around. Sixteen years ago the people who liked orderly routine adopted Gina Ford, who will tell you when you can eat your breakfast too, the majority liked Tracy Hogg and the hippies who didn't like routine or those with stressy babies tended to take up the attachment parenting style.

I was so overwhelmed with the unknown as well before DC, never held a baby and not really anyone I could ask questions that I felt were silly to ask. Spent a lot of time googling, nhs website and reading old mumsnet threads. I couldn’t justify the NCT course cost but your local NHS should do various topics that they cover that you
can do in person or on zoom - covers birth/after birth, bathing, feeding etc. Local children centres are a great source of support/information. But a lot of it is learning as you go but it does come
naturally. Wish I hadn’t spent so much time worrying about it all as you figure it out as you go and it all ends up being fine. Congratulations to your friend x

Nothing prepares you in my view.

I had my first in 2021 and now 33 weeks pregnant with my second. I was completely clueless. The NHS never really lets a mam know much on that topic. I live in Northern Ireland and was a bit overwhelmed in baby shops. what helped me the most is you tube. Theres loads of 'what I got for my newborn' 'newborn must haves' and even 'what I packed in my hospital bag' .

I also joined Facebook groups such as the 'lullaby trust' and ' carseat safety uk' to help with knowing what is actually safe to use.

I am close to my DM and did/do occasionally ask her for advice with the kids (mine are now 2 and 5, and I'm pregnant). However not much tbh, and a lot of the time when I did/do she says she can't remember or encourages me to look up advice now/ask a professional etc because she acknowledges that a lot of advice has changed over time.

For the most part, I did/still do quite a lot of internet research, or read books. Useful websites: NHS, Start for Life, NCT, Mumsnet! Books: Raising Your Spirited Child, How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen, Mixed Up, My Child Won't Eat, The No Cry Sleep Solution, Oh Crap.

The hospital offered two antenatal classes and an antenatal breastfeeding class which I went to all of them with DH during my first pregnancy. He had a cousin also who was a toddler when we had DC1 so occasionally we would ask their parents for advice too. They told us how to make a bottle of formula up etc over the phone the first time we did it as they had mostly bottle fed their child and we didn't have a clue about that!

I also went to baby groups and would ask staff/other mums things, as some mums obviously had more than one child at the groups so had more experience. I also accessed the local breastfeeding peer supporters and groups both times too for advice and support with breastfeeding. If I had a specific concern or question i would ask my midwife and then GP or health visitor etc. and as time goes on I made friends with children so would ask them for their opinions sometimes too, or the staff at the kids nursery.

Neither DH or I had never been around babies or young children much when we had DC1 so were totally clueless! But we asked a lot of questions, read a lot and got on with it. You learn as you go really, the first child is a guinea pig tbh!

I had a much younger sibling so I was caring for a baby at 10.

I did have family support, but honestly a lot of it is learning on the go and researching topics when you're up at 3am.

I will never forget being at the hospital after giving birth and asking the midwife how to change a nappy (I'd never done a boy, only girls, and it had been several years). She was very professional about it!

Read some books so she can learn various schools of thought/methods and make a mental list of her order of preference on each topic (sleeping, feeding etc). Never fully wed yourself to one method of anything, even if you have a strong preference. Try your first choice, be consistent, but if it doesn't work, be totally fine about chucking the idea in the bin and moving on to option 2. Flexibility is key IME and no baby has also read the books.

The practical stuff like nappy changing and breastfeeding was a mix of reading (the internet was better than books here for me), NHS classes, and learning on the job. It was mostly the latter! The first nappy I ever changed was 18hr old DD1's. DH had done it before for nieces & nephews, and had done DD's that first day in hospital as I was bed bound. It was quite the baptism of fire, mostly due to the pain I was in from the CS recovery, but meconium poo (DD) and a flapping untied surgical gown (mine) did not help! I pulled the gown off in a peak of frustration and changed her starkers in the end 😂 Thankfully the curtains were drawn around my bed and no poor midwife stuck her head around to check on us at that point! I was a pro by the time we were discharged though 😬

The Baby Academy on Instagram, and they also run free baby classes online on various topics!!

I'm also a motherless mother. I read loads of books, connected on here with other mums whose babies were due the same month as mine, went to antenatal classes, went to a breastfeeding workshop and joined La Leche League for more breastfeeding support.

I also made a pact with myself that I would trust my own instincts and whilst there were occasions when I felt out of my depth, I was quietly confident the two of us (and DH) would muddle through together. DS1 is now a strapping, gorgeous, emotionally intelligent young man. Not sure if that's because of me, or despite me!