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How did you learn what you needed to know before having a baby?

80 replies

natura · 14/03/2024 15:45

Talking to a friend who's just found out she's pregnant. Neither of us have mothers ourselves (a combination of death and estrangement) and we both live a good distance from family.

She's never been around babies before, and while her partner had younger siblings, he never knew any of the basics of caring for a baby. She's terrified of not knowing things that other people consider 'common knowledge' - how to feed her baby and how often, what to avoid, risks and dangers she has no idea about, health-related things to look out for, signs to respond to... and I'm in exactly the same position, although not pregnant.

How did you learn / find out how to care for your first baby? Did you have lots of support from other mothers or your own parents, did you do lots of reading and research, or was it all 'learn as you go'?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Abbyant · 16/03/2024 05:56

Her midwife might be able to direct her to parenting classes local to her. I have a big family and was the oldest of 4 children so remember helping my mum look after my youngest sibling helping feed and change nappies. My sister is pregnant now and she asks me all the questions that she’s unsure of and if I don’t know much on the topic ( example I formula fed so don’t know much about breastfeeding) I know where she can get help and she has other friends she can ask.

skippy2024 · 16/03/2024 06:20

Books before the internet, I liked Penelope Leach.
Midwive was great who was lovely.
Antenatal class was good for what to expect at birth for some of it.
I would look at books and be selective about what you read online.
I loved a baby magazine which no longer is in print.
I would say mothers instinct naturally comes into it anyway.

Speedweed · 16/03/2024 06:27

In the middle of the night, in desperation, I used to type the problem and mumsnet into google, and all similar threads would come up, and the answers would have a few different approaches which would give me ideas, and hope!
Eg '16 month old blocked nose can't sleep mumsnet '

So so useful. Massively grateful to all the mums who went before me and provided answers and suggestions.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

WonderingWanda · 16/03/2024 06:37

A baby is just tiny human and you are a human so it just needs the things you need but adapted for a tiny new human. Basically to be fed, cleaned and loved and you can do all of those things. You can buy baby books about it but antenatal classes and the midwife will cover baby feeding and washing. You'll have a few choices to make and you can research these on the Internet to help you decide e.g Cloth nappies or disposables, breast or bottle feed, which travel system etc. And you can always ask for tips and advice on here.

I'm sorry you and your friend won't have your own mothers around but remember that parenting advice changes between generations so it's likely you'd be doing it all differently anyway and often Mum's that have been there and done it years before can give unhelpful or judgemental advice. I guess you can both support one another and have fun finding it all out.

Btw, nothing is second nature with a baby, they are all different and it takes everyone a while to learn their own babies cues for hunger, tiredness etc. And even when you are certain your overtired baby needs a nap the baby doesn't get the memo and decides to just stay awake and get more fractious.

Chrispackhamspoodle · 16/03/2024 06:39

I'm a paediatric nurse as my husband calmly reminded me when I lost it on him for still not knowing how to change her nappy properly when she was 1 week old .'What to do when you are expecting' book was my bible for the things I didn't know.I expect everyone uses the Internet now but it was books 17 years ago and parenting magazines

ALittleDropOfRain · 16/03/2024 06:59

There was a Reddit thread on the things you actually need for a baby. I read all the responses and bought the top few/ things I thought would work for me. Everything second hand so I could sell it at not too much a loss if I was wrong (what we almost never used was the pushchair, baby spent Months in a sling, then walked short distances. Didn’t see that one coming!)

advice was two friends who had babies three years older than mine, and an older friend with three kids who were my age. She was brilliant. We also did a 2 day course on looking after a baby: winding, changing, feeding, bathing, carrying, and the different types of baby clothes and how to put them on baby.

DH got bored while baby and I slept after my C-Section, so grabbed the voucher the hospital had given me to a midwife-run baby wearing course, took our second hand sling and spent two hours being taught how to wear it. He was apparently the only man who’d ever gone to the course (I think they now print off two vouchers per family :-D ), and once he got back he grabbed sleeping baby from his hospital cot and wore him around the hospital grounds for an hour.

this wasn’t in the UK btw.

niclw · 16/03/2024 07:02

I read a book. It was very informative about pregnancy and caring for baby. However, actually caring for my dc meant I learnt most while on the job. I did ask the midwife for help with the first nappy change.

Mh67 · 16/03/2024 07:09

I went to antenatal classes. When it was time for first feed I told the nurse I didn't know how to do it. She sat with me and showed me.
also boots the chemist used to give you a free bounty pack and in it was a sheet for the first year of babies life. It listed each month and how many bottles a day or eventually food and bottles a baby should have. It was literally my baby bible 😂😂

BertieBotts · 16/03/2024 07:35

I went to NCT classes, read millions of books, was totally addicted to the iVillage forums and spent every day reading them. (Then MN but I only found that later).

There wasn't really parenting social media then, but there were lots of forums :) TBH I don't rate a lot of the social media on parenting - it's gone a bit weird and overly polarised. There was always some of this (breast vs bottle, sleep train vs don't) but it's gone totally bonkers. Especially platforms which are short-form and primarily want to show you stuff via an algorithm, rather than what you've chosen. Tiktok, Twitter, Instagram - and single issue FB groups are all a bit nuts and should be treated with caution.

Longer form content is good - podcasts, books. What I do now is scan someone's FB or instagram page to get a sense of their voice, style, and info and then from there decide whether to look at their book or podcast. But I don't follow parenting content on instagram because it becomes very stressful - it's the constant bam, bam, bam, bam, all these tiny snippets of advice become overwhelming and impossible to process, let alone follow which just leads to a vague sense of guilt, doom and inadequacy. Whereas reading a book gives you time to think about and digest the info which means you might actually be able to use it - or at least make a reasoned sense of nah, that isn't for me.

Real life connections are great - antenatal classes, bumps-and-babies type meet ups, breastfeeding support groups, stay and play, buggy fit, sling meet, baby sensory/baby massage (the activity doesn't matter very much, it's for you to meet other mums). Keep in touch with your friend :) And online groups based around something other than a single issue. MN due month threads, local FB mum groups, Reddit "bumper" clubs. These can be great and supportive.

Take so much with a pinch of salt. Remember it's only been really recently that we've even had access to so many millions of different opinions. In general if anyone tells you something is extremely important, check this with a reputable organisation like NHS or WHO or RoSPA or Lullaby Trust. If they don't consider it to be of extreme importance, it's likely really not! And I liked the rule of thumb that says to ask yourself: Did my grandmother worry about this? If she didn't, then it's probably not that serious.

Amy Brown is brilliant and sensible, I would expect this to be full of great stuff:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lets-Talk-About-First-Parenting/dp/1780667108

Also I give this to all new mums :) https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mothers-Do-especially-nothing-ebook/dp/B0087GZIRO/

Also, remember you don't have to learn it all at once. For example you said about grapes, but newborns don't eat grapes. By the time you get to giving them solid foods, you'll have all kinds of information marketed to you - your health visitor will probably offer a talk, Boots give out free guides written by the baby food companies, there are books, there are clues on stuff like packaging (e.g. items sold "from 6 months") and you'll hopefully know some other parents at about the same stage. Someone would tell you about grapes, for sure. And even if they didn't, it's not like every time a toddler eats a whole grape they instantly choke to death. The majority of the time they are absolutely fine. And this is true for most things. Babies typically survive their parents' mistakes, you can get away with making a few - everyone does. If you find yourself in constant fear that one tiny slip up is going to terribly harm or endanger your baby, that is a sign of postnatal anxiety and you should speak to your GP (and consider stepping away from the internet).

For a newborn you only really have to work out milk feeding, dressing/temperature regulation, nappies, sleep safety, bathing, and transporting them around/making sure they can't roll off things. There are laws about using a car seat. Everything else is nice-to-have fluff, and not essential.

Most products come with manuals (even if the baby doesn't!), you can ask for support with feeding, dressing, bathing in hospital, or from your midwife/HV when she visits you at home after the birth.

You should be given information about sleep safety and when to call a midwife/doctor.

There is a brilliant app I would recommend to all new parents called "Baby Check App" (By NHS and Lullaby Trust) which you go through any time they are ill and it will pick up any warning signs of serious illness and tell you whether to treat at home, see the GP, call 111 or go to A&E.

It all comes one issue at a time. Don't stress. We are all learning as we go along.

theprincessthepea · 16/03/2024 09:18

These days you have YouTube.

I Learned as I went along with the help of my mum. I would suggest making friends with other mums through antenatal classes or pregnancy classes/baby groups. If I didn’t have my mum my next go to would be friends with children or people I know with children - who are slightly better as parenting is still fresh in mind.

Starship21 · 16/03/2024 09:30

Google was our best friend lol

RampantIvy · 16/03/2024 09:34

NHS ante natal classes, books (DD pre-dates broadband), my community midwife, my excellent health visitor.

My advice is to attend ante natal classes. I learned so much there about what to expect.

GemmWills · 16/03/2024 09:38

We just went round and ruled things out

Are they hungry?
Do they have wind?
Nappy Change?

Once we've got through those we put white sounds on and checked temperature you get to know baby ques and will start to understand what they want/ need

Sometimes it's as simple as a cuddle

Snugglemonkey · 16/03/2024 09:48

I did not know anything. My mum died before I had babies. I was in a different country to my friends. I did send some WhatsApp messages to friends with questions, but mostly I read stuff online. I googled so much. I still do!

rickyrickygrimes · 16/03/2024 09:57

I didn’t know anything and tbh I think we all have to work it out for ourselves on the job, so to speak. A lot of it is quite simple: your baby is completely reliant on you to be fed, cuddled, kept clean and warm, reassured, and kept close. arrange things so that you can do this, and it will be easier. Sometimes this means rearranging your own perceptions of how life should be 😂 as well as any domestic or other arrangements. You accept that life is completely different once you have a baby 🤷‍♀️ but it’s good in other ways.

MariaVT65 · 16/03/2024 10:02

Nothing prepares you really. It’s learn as you go.

Many mothers don’t teach us anything even when they are around, in fact their knowledge about a lot of things such as feeding, medicine and sleep is very outdated and sometimes dangerous.

We had our first baby in lockdown and found mumsnet more useful than the NHS

stockpilingallthecheese · 16/03/2024 10:09

I did all the free and some of the paid online courses with the baby academy, which were great!! And asked my friends a lot of questions!!

FusionChefGeoff · 16/03/2024 10:14

NCT but I also spent a LONG time here!! All the threads are so useful for quickly seeing all the information / viewpoints and then making your own decisions based on that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 10:38

What to expect when you're expecting, nct, friends and Instagram. You can also google baby shopping lists etc

ElizabethanAgain · 16/03/2024 11:55

At school. In the bad old days (1960s) in year 9 we had a series of lessons in "Mothercraft" from a midwife. Covered the first 18 months of your baby's life. Girls only of course!

Noicant · 16/03/2024 12:14

Dh made us watch loads of youtube videos. We both read books on babies and their care.

It’s basically learning on the job, we brought her home and stared at her and then she stared at us and we went “er what are we supposed to do now”

Sparkle88K · 16/03/2024 12:26

NCT classes were a must for us as we were completely clueless what to do with a baby! Also did a few online classes covering basic things like how to bath & feed baby.
Both grandparents have been really helpful too.
Nothing can totally prepare you though, my son is 5 months & most days I'm winging it lol x

Coolblur · 16/03/2024 13:27

I did the NHS antenatal classes that the midwife sorted out (not sure why people aren't saying this) and also NCT classes so DH could come along too, which were a bit more in depth

AnnoyinglyOptimistic · 16/03/2024 14:58

I had to ask a midwife in the hospital how to change the first nappy (and was paranoid they would report me for not knowing how to be a mother to my own baby). They did not, and I wasn't the only new mum to ask, as I overheard during my stay.

After that I hugely relied on Google (as another poster said, 'is it normal/how often' type searches. I had a very supportive Health Visitor (I was parenting alone from the outset) and also a group of friends who were all mothers - whilst they all lived 300+ miles away our group chat was a great place to ask questions that I was worried sounded a bit stupid. DDs godmother came to stay the occasional night when I felt a bit overwhelmed and thankfully she had bags of experience with her own and her nieces and nephews.

My mum did come to stay for a few days shortly after DD was born but it had been so long since my brother and me were tiny that she was very much taking the lead from me.

I learnt on the job. I still say I'm winging it (DD is now 2, and I'm pregnant with my second), but when she was tiny if she was eating, sleeping and filling a nappy then I figured everything was grand - which it was. You somehow learn what works with your baby...and just when you feel like you're nailing it, they develop a bit more and things change!

purplehair1 · 16/03/2024 17:45

I bought a couple of books. And we had antenatal classes which were actually a godsend. I had never changed a nappy til my son came along!