How did you learn what you needed to know before having a baby?

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Talking to a friend who's just found out she's pregnant. Neither of us have mothers ourselves (a combination of death and estrangement) and we both live a good distance from family.

She's never been around babies before, and while her partner had younger siblings, he never knew any of the basics of caring for a baby. She's terrified of not knowing things that other people consider 'common knowledge' - how to feed her baby and how often, what to avoid, risks and dangers she has no idea about, health-related things to look out for, signs to respond to... and I'm in exactly the same position, although not pregnant.

How did you learn / find out how to care for your first baby? Did you have lots of support from other mothers or your own parents, did you do lots of reading and research, or was it all 'learn as you go'?

My mother isn't mentally well enough to help me and can't remember my childhood and I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby. As well as NCT classes I used reputable websites like NHS, NCT, Kellymom (not forums - stuff written by medical personnel, breastfeeding councillors etc). Books by La Leche League. For weaning Gill Rapley's book (the baby led weaning lady). For potty traing Oh Crap Potty training. We had an amazing childminder once I was back at work and she was a great support. I made mistakes with my first (like not trying very hard with naps, allowing sugar too early, choosing a bad preschool) but she's no worse for it - they are very resilient! I felt much more confident with my second.

Read Gina Ford and Miriam Stoppard during my pregnancy - I thought I’d better do my research while I had time!

Masses of reading. Beyond the safety basics there’s so much contradictory advice out there. Sadly many Health Professionals offer advice that’s often outdated or unhelpful. Everyone has a view so read lots and trust your instincts.

We didn’t do NCT just the free NHS antenatal course which was a 1 day event. Learnt some stuff online and forums like this and baby centre.
Also the sure start centre once they were born. Chatting to other mums we met along the way.
But mostly just winging it and hoping for the best. Still doing the same 10 years later

Tell her to check out her local library, also ask her midwife if there are any local charities or groups for expectant mothers.

I worked in childcare. The rest I just learned as I went along.

You just make it up as you go along. Honestly, it's fine, they teach you. Main things to know are safety elements which for the most part are common sense but definitely look up the lullaby trust and safe sleep guidance.

In 2009 they used to give you a book when you had your 1st GP booking appointment.

It had all of the information, I read it from front to back. I was 16 and pregnant.

After I had the baby they used to give out 0-5 book aswell.

This time round there is no book, no bounty packs everything is online.

NCT classes and a few books. This was in the noughties.
Then discovered mumsnet when my eldest was 6 months old and have checked everything on here ever since.

Mostly frantic googling and searching Mumsnet. I had never been around a baby when DD was born (apart from my last sister born when I was 10 but I barely remember her being a baby) and the first few weeks were terrifying but it got better.

I did do an NCT course but it only covered the basics.I naively assumed that breastfeeding would work out but it was so much harder than I expected (due to tongue tie in our case). In hindsight I would have read up on more about breastfeeding and also bottle feeding and sterilising instead of trying to work out how to make a bottle after 3 days of no sleep in hospital.

i did try asking for advice from anyone that seemed helpful but also got a lot of conflicting advice.

The NCT course didn’t cover much but it is good for meeting other people having babies at the same time in your area. Even if you don’t make long term friends it can be a good source of support in the first few months or at least the chance to talk to other people going through similar stuff if you don’t have many other friends with babies.

Books. Antenatal classes. Mumsnet.

Antenatal class (we did NCT but other friends have done free/cheaper courses and still found them really useful
Friends with babies slightly older have been the biggest support
Mumsnet has been super useful
You have the health visitor support until the child is 5, in our area you can ring them any time during office hours to ask questions and that has been brilliant
Other mums from the NCT group / baby classes

Our actual parents have not been helpful in the slightest as the advice has changed so much over time!

I don't think I learnt from a specific source "how to look after a baby".

I think it's a combo of taking little tips from various people along the way and using your judgement and intuition.

I'm fortunate to have a supportive family and husband but I wouldn't say my mum or MIL have played a huge role in the teachings of motherhood.

I read "what to expect when you are expecting" and the Miriam Stoppard book. I had no clue, no "NCT" classes (not in the UK) nor Internet and my first time in the hospital was when I was in labour and a few hours before my baby arrived.

I was not a bit maternal nor all that excited about the baby but thankfully there was some primal instinct which didn't make me "fall in love with my baby" but did make it so that come hell or high water I would protect this creature.

I did eventually fall for her and her siblings (as they came) and we are close and they are not as feral as they might have been.

But really, I have a mother, a lovely one, but not one who would have invited or offered advice. According to her, we raised ourselves. My first baby was a relatively easy one, my second wouldn't have cared if I'd been a pack of wolves. Luck of the draw they came in the order they did! The second would have been a tough first experience.

MY advice would be: your baby will know only you. And you will be their perfection-no matter how imperfect. Do your best by you and your baby and try not to listen to any negative comments (I got that a lot from strangers.....it affected me far more than it should have and my mind still boggles as to why anyone would have been so unsupportive to a new mum)

Also what works for another might not work you or yours (huge differences between your own babies even) so nobody knows it all.

I learnt most of it from mumsnet and desperate WhatsApps to other mums I tenuously knew, who were so kind and supportive that we are good friends now.

Because of the kindness I experienced from other mums when I was finding my was as a clueless new mum, I always try to ‘pay it forwards’ to new mums that I know. I felt really supported when I was really vulnerable. Other mums are the best source of support when you have a newborn because they really know what you’re going through.

Also I think all the books can only teach you so much. Both DC have deviated from ‘normal’ in many ways and they are perfectly normal kids! So I think you don’t know what you don’t know, yet, and you can’t know everything you’ll need to know until your baby is here anyway.

NCT classes before baby arrived, lots of information from the midwives and health visitor.
There are many apps you can download now which explain week by week how your baby is developing, how much they should be feeding etc. I used 'what to expect' and found it really useful and reassuring that my baby was hitting all the milestones etc.

It's true when they say it all cones to you naturally, you just muddle through day by day.

Then when baby was about 5-6 weeks old I started baby classes and made some mums friends, then shared tips and advice etc with eachother.

As well as the practical advice, I'd recommend some reading and research around child development and attachment. Understanding emotional needs, the importance of play etc is just as important as how often to feed them and how many layers they need on at night.

Thinking about what kind of parent you'd like to be is useful as long as you realise this needs flexibility according to the needs of your child.

Also, suss out what your partner thinks. Being on the same page on the big stuff is so important.

Mumsnet!

Also....

NCT group, nhs classes, books, health visit, parent & baby groups.

Read everything I could get my hands on. Watched every documentary.

Agreed. After reading every book possible, joining every class and forum, speaking to
friends and family.. I arrived home with my beautiful daughter, turned to my partner and said ‘shit, what do we do now??’. But good news, we both survived 🤪

DC was prem, we missed our NCT class. I learnt a few things about modern parenting at pregnancy yoga classes. The practical every day I learnt in the SCBU baby ward.

My late Mum was partially sighted. I figured if she could manage back in the 60s, I could in the brave new 00s.

This. Read, and ask other mums.

Wow, look at all these responses!

Apologies I only just made it back in – this is so helpful and reassuring to read!

It just feels bonkers that anyone at all is allowed to just give birth to a human person and take it home with no idea whatsoever what they're doing...

Half of the fear, I think, is the question "what don't I know that I don't know?"

My friend was saying she's quite happy Googling things she realises she doesn't know, but there's got to be so much stuff you don't even realise is lethal... like GRAPES! Who'd think to Google grapes?! 😂

Mumsnet

You don't need to individually know that grapes are a choking hazard as you have a baby. For starters, they're not going to be eating food until they're six months old. Then when you start offering them food and weaning, a check of something like "baby weaning choking hazards" would inform you what you need to be careful with.

In a similar way, lots of parents might not know honey is a risk for babies (because of botulism). But if you google 'what shouldn't you give to babies" then boom it's on a handy NHS page with more risky things: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/weaning-and-feeding/foods-to-avoid-giving-babies-and-young-children/

The learning as you go covers the most random things, like clipping a baby's fingernails - how often? With what? You can google and consult mumsnet and ask around friends and generally muddle through or work from advice.