Should I create a gift registry for my child's birthday?

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My child's 3rd birthday is coming up and I need some advice on how to handle gifts from family and friends.

Previous gift giving (Birthdays, Christmas, sometimes just randomly for no special occasion etc.) have resulted in either:
a) gifts that we as a family try to avoid in our home (i.e. electronic gifts etc)
b) 2-3 things that are duplicates
c) gifts that are more expensive than we would have liked (as we don't want our children to be overly materialistic or to favor people that give more expensive gifts)
d) clothes being gifted that don't go with anything else in their wardrobe

How we've dealt with this in the past is just accepting it (in the case of d), not making a big deal of it (in the case of c; particularly as our children are still too young to understand) and selling/re-gifting/donating (in the case of a and b).

But we're a bit sick of our house being cluttered up with things we don't want (and the extra effort I have to go to re-homing some of these gifts). Unfortunately, asking family and friends not to gift something to our children is usually ignored (I get it, everyone loves giving gifts to children, I often do too).

So with our child's 3rd birthday coming up, I started thinking about creating a gift registry (with a website like Giftster, so that my family and friends can create lists for their own children to ensure that the gifts that we give them in return are also wanted).

But now I'm wondering if using a gift registry will result in our children not learning how to manage their emotions and reactions when receiving an unwanted gift.

So, should I create a gift registry for my child's birthday?

DHs family have always asked for gift ideas so a list has been practical. It depends if they're asking or you're telling imo.

I usually, if asked about gifts, suggest a book that DC doesn't yet have - not expensive and always needed - I suggest buying second hand (in fact any gift I suggest I say am sure they have it second hand on Facebook maketplace etc)

FYI we all have limited spaces in our homes. Any duplicate / unwanted presents that you get stick it in a box and re-gift it at the next birthday party that comes along. You’re going to have to deal with this a lot when your kid starts school and whole class parties are a thing. Don’t be precious about it.

Christ, no.

Just thinking how cruel it would have been for me to have told dds grandfather, who grew up poor and it was such a joy to him to give expensive gifts that he always wanted as a child, that he wasn't allowed. It was his greatest joy watching her open them.

I think you are so obsessed op with doing everything right for your pfb, that you've lost sight that other people are humans too.

Your post sounds quite grabby, suggest a donation to charity if you dont want the gifts.

No you shouldn’t, it is hard though. I had a mini party for my 2yo and said no presents please! Several times. I thought I was managing the message clearly, but everyone brought a present. Lovely thoughtful presents my daughter loves to be fair. But it’s impossible to avoid! With family we don’t get that, but the easiest way is to think of things you do want- so in laws gave my 2yo a new backpack and she proudly wears it to childcare each day.

I think maybe this shouldn't be about you. It's about the relationship between the gift giver and your child. What the person who presumably loves/likes/cares about your child wants to give them.

We have an Amazon wish list of stuff that DD has said she would.like throughout the year. That's really only shared with family and people who ask, though. It also has a wide variety of price points on it.

Most people put a fair bit of thought into gifts and getting someone what they think they would like. Appreciate the sentiment.

BTW: drop the wardrobe thing. You won't be able to control it as they get more opinionated, and they need to be able to develop their own likes and dislikes. DD(4) has a love of sequins and lurid pink that I don't share. It makes her happy, and saves on arguments just to let her get on with it as it doesn't matter before school age. She also adores various clothing items received for Xmas/birthdays that aren't to my taste at all. Most things work with black leggings, so 🤷

Everyone's circumstances are different. We also have grandparents (great grandparents to our little ones) who grew up without much and buy expensive gifts for the same reason that you've said. But they are not wealthy and so we feel doubly bad when they spend so much on something that doesn't get used.

First time I’ve ever heard someone argue “rejection of materialism” as justification for a gift list 😂

Nothing wrong with giving people a steer if they ask. Trying to micromanage it is much less good, especially the bit about materialism and suggestion that gift givers are trying to buy your DC’s affections, which is horrible (and then very weirdly, grumbling about clothes that “don’t go”, so some materialism is ok, eh?)

I’m all for being practical about giving and receiving gifts. I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to mediate between your child and their family and friends to this extent. Learning that a gift can be kindly given and yet not be exactly what you’d have chosen yourself is a good thing, and the opposite of materialistic.

It seems odd you're concerned about your kids not being 'overly materialistic' yet what you suggest is about as materialistic as it gets.
I'd either ask for a monetary donation towards a larger gift or savings. Or graciously accept the gifts with the love they're given and donate anything which is unsuitable.

We lived overseas and we used to set up a list on toys r us at their request, you could also buy gift vouchers and we choose. My family ask for this. Amazon offers similar (didn't sell toys back then)

We do a gift list on a website for our parents and siblings with ideas (we don't expect it all and some are just general ideas, rather then specific). But we would only ever tell immediate family about it and only if they want to get from it. It just avoids duplicates or unwanted gifts from the people who are spending the most, so don't want to waste their money. I know some people would just tell the grandparents about idea if they ask, but this way there is more choice for them and also things of different budgets, so I don't have to ask / guess how much they want to spend when they ask for ideas / remember what we've told who. We are happy with surprises too though if that's what they prefer to do.

I don't see what's wrong with that. I much prefer it when there is one for our nieces and nephews, rather than me risk wasting my money on something they already have / their other aunt might have also have thought of / they wouldn't play with. So it work both ways for us.

We would never, ever use it for friends / party guests though. That would seem rude It needs to be close family. Other gifts are normally smaller so it doesn't seem such a waste, and we can usually use or regift / give to charity if it's a duplicate or definitely won't be used. Also we only ever did the whole class party thing once, do other them that year, how many gifts are they realistically getting other years?

Just to clarify, a lot of people have been commenting about the clothes. My child does dress themselves and often looks like a rainbow threw up on them (case in point, today they wore a Christmas shirt because that's what they wanted). It was just wishful thinking on my part that we could somehow steer away from this (I now know that's not happening) 😂

With my close family (dad, in-laws, brother) I basically tell them (they do ask me) exactly what to get DS, so he gets something that’s needed/useful. We have so many toys here we’re definitely trying to restrict things for his upcoming 2nd bday.

With wider friends and family whilst I see the appeal and wish it were more normalised, I do think it’s a bit grabby unless you have that kind of relationship with them.

I'm thankful most of my family ask what my boys want or need, usually for birthdays I say clothes & specify either t-shirts,jumpers or bottoms , the rest is up to them. One of my brothers always does a gift card which is perfect because I can use it as I want ( he's a single dad to an autistic teen very busy not just lazy) & my younger brother always buys them a gift, he generally rings if he sees something he thinks they will like or sends me a picture on watts app, but he generally gets it right. I buy most gifts as in toys etc ( I always overcompensate as their dad(ex DP) is useless so I'm forever trying to make up for him) .

If people ask for suggestions, it's fair enough to refer them to a gift list, but it would come across as grabby to send this out unsolicited to everyone who might be expected to give a gift.

It is incredibly rude and controlling to think you can dictate what presents people give you. Your job is to say thank you and smile and then donate/sell/recycle anything you don't want or which is a duplicate.

The only time it is acceptable to give out a gift list is if you are asked for it, or if you are getting married.

Nobody has to buy your child anything at all. They chose to do so. Unless you exercise a little good grace they may well chose not to do so.

I understand not wanting clutter in your house but I think a gift registery is an extreme way of addressing it.

When I've asked friends or family before what to buy their children, my sister asked if we could buy experiences rather than presents so cinema tickets, trip to the zoo that sort of thing.

A friend sent a message saying her daughter was really getting into reading and sent two books that she might like.

When my boys were that age they loved their brio wooden railway but it was quite expensive to buy additional track etc so we just asked everyone to get something for that! Admittedly now , 20 years later I have a huge box of the stuff waiting for grandchildren but hey ho 🤣🤣

That is a great idea.

Maybe me and my friends are a bit odd, we all have Amazon wish lists for our kids which we use for Christmas and Birthdays. I don’t send the link out with party invites but if someone comes back to me asking for ideas I send it. Never had any issues and actually lots of people comment how much easier it is and then they created their own lists.

I similarly want it to be reciprocal with our family. Because prior to having kids, I'd buy presents for other's kids that I thought were good; but since having kids I've realised how useless some of those gifts were!

We've had whattogive.com lists for ours since they were little, only because grandparents, aunts and uncles etc aren't local and always ask for ideas. Keeping track of who wanted to buy what got complicated and the ideas list helped solve that.
It's only ever been a list of ideas though e.g. Isabella is currently in t-shirts sized 4-5 and loves hedgehogs.

It's never been a link for sharing with friends though. If asked for ideas from the parents of party friends I've suggested things like sticker books, fun socks, things with rainbows on or similarly small and generic items.