Broken up but want moving to another country together with kids

[Milfam]

i found out my husband cheated on me for the second time at new year. It was devastating to say the least. I know I deserve better and cannot be with him as I could never trust him again. However, he is a fantastic dad and despite what’s happened, he is a good husband, in the fact he is supportive caring and works hard for us all.
Before I found out what had happened, we had been offered the opportunity to live aboard for two years. House paid for, kids private education paid for. The lot. It has always been my dream to live in another country and the fact that I can give up with work-albeit only for two yrs and spend time being a full time mum, and do things for me for a change was so exciting to me and was soo looking forward to it.
We have been together 20yrs, we get on great and we’ve talked about it and although we know we can’t be together, although he would like to give things another go, we think we can live together and still bring up our children together and still take this fantastic opportunity.
Although, I am very close to my family, we don’t live near each other, We don’t have any family support where we live. So I’m used to doing being on my own (my husband works away a lot)
My family are not in favour at all!!! They hate him for what he has done and i understand why. They will not be happy if I say I’m even considering it. However, they don’t have my life, they don’t have to go to work, and look after the kids etc. as much they come and visit and help out. It’s sometimes more of a pain, as they stay with us and it’s just not very practical at times.
But I can’t help think I will never get this chance again, the kids will have an experience of a lifetime and I get to do things for myself for a change.
i currently work full time and I’m on my own with 3 kids, 13,12 and 7 during the week while my husband is away working. We have sports clubs every day of the week and weekend, apart from Monday-when I’m too shattered to do anything anyway!
I know I will have to face the fact of coming back after 2yrs and starting again, but I can’t help feel I’ll be missing out if I didn’t take the opportunity.

As long as you are guaranteed to be covered financially for those 2 years, I’d take the opportunity.

protect yourself by going over things like what happens if he meets someone and that person doesn’t want you living in the house and dh then wants you to move out to protect his new relationship, does that mean you need to return home? whsts your access to finances as you won’t have a job ? Etc

13 is a difficult time to move schools, will your eldest be able to do GCSEs where you move?

Which country is it? There are many countries where if your husband decided to stay, you would not be legally allowed to remove your kids from that country.

Would the 2 years give you time to save up/get your affairs sorted out so that you can separate when you get back?

Can you trust him that he will keep supporting you financially and let you move back with the kids whenever you want to?

Once you live abroad you can't up and leave with the kids without his permission. What if he finds someone else and kicks you out?

You would be taking a pretty big risk.

He wants to get back together with you, you don't and yet you want to try to live together, abroad, with all the pressures that involves.

I'm sorry, but I think this is a disaster waiting to happen.

I would definitely not
I think he may just cheat again in the new country and you will be living different lives

I would rather be alone and work than up root

But obviously it's your choice but for me it would be a no

Which country OP? Makes a huge difference.

Although my actual viewpoint is no, not in a million years.

You are risking everything - for what? An experience?

I accept you need a new experience yes. You've been with a cheating husband for however long. But upheaving your children like this, at their ages is madness.

Surely you need to focus on separating and living independently, and given the break, providing security and stability for the kids, not pulling them away from everything they now.

You need change yes, but not this.

Do not give up your job for this. That is crazy.

Plus, the ages of your children would make it difficult.

You would be extremely foolish to do this.

The 'experience' and 'dream' you envisaged are never going to be the same now you are a 'separated' family. If it fails, which it is highly likely to, you risk massive upheaval to your children. You clearly have loving parents. Listen to them.

So you would be living together but not "a couple"? What happens if one of you meets someone else and wants to be in a relationship with them?

I wonder whether there is a way to rethink this experience so that you have some more security and some space, whilst still having the same adventure?

Could you look at applying for jobs in the country he’s been offered this opportunity? Look at having your own place there a short walk from his? And an every-other-weekend agreement about the kids so that you get some time to explore the new country on your own as well as hang out with the kids?

Don't do it.
Moving abroad is stressful. It tests the strongest of relationships.
Moving kids at 13 and 12 is less than ideal. Moving them at 15 and 14 is crazy. And what happens if he doesn't want to come home after 2 years? Do you come back without the kids??!!

The relationship is over. And so this opportunity to follow your dream is out. But that doesn't mean there isn't a opportunity at the right time for you. It's just not right now.

What do your DC think about moving away for 2 years?
My parents uprooted us for a ‘fabulous opportunity’ to live abroad for 3 years. I found it very difficult to fit in with established friendship groups at the new school. When we returned my old friends had moved on and I was very lonely for the rest of my time at that school.

While living abroad your DH will be dating / meeting other women. You will be stuck at home looking after the kids, in a foreign country with no support. It can be lonely and resentment will probably build up. Also, financially relying on a man who is not your partner anymore seems a very precarious position to put yourself in.
Think carefully about this. At the very least you need an escape plan if it all goes wrong.

Honestly this sounds like madness.

Moving schools at 12/13, then back again at 14/15 will be extremely disruptive and tricky for them

Being alone in a foreign country is completely different to being alone near family (from experience!)

Giving up your earning potential when your relationship is rocky could be disastrous

You don't trust him.

Nothing about this sounds like a good idea.

@Milfam whatever you decide will take courage, bearing in mind you also have children to consider (not that your husband did when he decided to betray both his wife and children)

It seems you are prepared to overlook his betrayal because your dream is to live abroad?

You won't have to work for those 2 years and you will be able to have "me" time.

IF, and only if, that's a price you, and by extension your children, are willing to pay, then go for it.

Go into this with your eyes wide open, understanding that whilst having your me time, you will surely need to be planning a strong exit, for you and your children, thereafter.

Good luck.

I sort of did this. Thought it could be something that brought us together. Had the same idea about giving up work and reducing everyday stresses.
My children were younger than yours and had a great time. For me it wasn’t great. I think me not working made me feel dependent and without control and it had a negative effect on my career.
Oh and he cheated again. We are not together any more.
I would stay in the UK. Let him go and send money home so you can reduce your hours for a while. Divorce him, you can’t trust him.

This is bonkers. You can’t move the children at their ages. Also, they will be at school, do you think your husband will want to pay for you to not work all day whilst they are at school, despite what he says now. What if he meets someone and stays out there and the kids are settled and want to stay there too?

The children will be grown up soon and you’ll have to support yourself. This is not the time to leave the job market.

This is a spectacularly terrible idea.

It’s a tricky one. If you are definitely splitting (ie divorcing) could you have the settlement agreed before you go, making sure to cover all your lost earnings, pension etc and to give you security once you return? This move hands him a lot of power.

I’d be worried he’d be out dating women while you were parenting the children. Would he be ok with staying in and for you to go out and have fun?

What do DC think of it?

I am all for adventure but think you need to have legal docs and outline what’s acceptable behaviour for him etc while away.

I'm a bit shocked at how little your children's interests or wishes come into it OP. They really are the primary consideration, not you or your husband. The oldest in particular are at delicate ages and in contemporary life, getting then.through the teenage years basically happy and balanced is a tricky enough without adding everything you propose - with the risk of it all going tits up - into the mix. Even if it worked out brilliantly for you for the 2 years (unlikely, moving abroad is challenging even in the best of circumstances), you hold 3 other people's wellbeing in your hands and is just toomucb of a risk. If you have a dream to live abroad, you can fulfill that in your own right in time and when the children are established. As for the stresses of working full time plus parenting, well many of us sympathise but there are options to make that easier - drop to part time, get the children to cut back on some of the activities, buy in help.

Those ages, especially the eldest, is a horrible time for moves. If your eldest is Y9, they will already be doing GCSE options and some schools will have started the courses already.

Also, what happens if your husband decides to relocate permanently and refuses you permission to return with the children? If your visa is dependent on him, you could find yourself forced to return without your children.

Living abroad is stressful enough without adding a relationship breakdown into the mix. Agree your dc may already be too old for a smooth educational transition short-term and they will benefit more from familiar surroundings and friendships. Presumably he can go without you?

Which country? You might end up in a situation where you can't bring them back.

I have spent time living abroad (pre-marriage and kids) and this has disaster written all over it. Of course it depends a lot where you go, but it’s a huge change and a stressful time and can be really lonely while you’re settling in. IME “trailing spouses” find it particularly difficult as, without a job or routine, it can be hard to meet people and you’re largely reliant on your partner to make connections especially if there’s a language barrier. Of course you’ll have your DH and kids so won’t be totally alone but that’s a lot of pressure to put on an already fractured relationship. I also think the kids aren’t great ages to be uprooted, but depends a lot on the kids.