Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Broken up but want moving to another country together with kids

84 replies

Milfam · 18/02/2024 06:13

i found out my husband cheated on me for the second time at new year. It was devastating to say the least. I know I deserve better and cannot be with him as I could never trust him again. However, he is a fantastic dad and despite what’s happened, he is a good husband, in the fact he is supportive caring and works hard for us all.
Before I found out what had happened, we had been offered the opportunity to live aboard for two years. House paid for, kids private education paid for. The lot. It has always been my dream to live in another country and the fact that I can give up with work-albeit only for two yrs and spend time being a full time mum, and do things for me for a change was so exciting to me and was soo looking forward to it.
We have been together 20yrs, we get on great and we’ve talked about it and although we know we can’t be together, although he would like to give things another go, we think we can live together and still bring up our children together and still take this fantastic opportunity.
Although, I am very close to my family, we don’t live near each other, We don’t have any family support where we live. So I’m used to doing being on my own (my husband works away a lot)
My family are not in favour at all!!! They hate him for what he has done and i understand why. They will not be happy if I say I’m even considering it. However, they don’t have my life, they don’t have to go to work, and look after the kids etc. as much they come and visit and help out. It’s sometimes more of a pain, as they stay with us and it’s just not very practical at times.
But I can’t help think I will never get this chance again, the kids will have an experience of a lifetime and I get to do things for myself for a change.
i currently work full time and I’m on my own with 3 kids, 13,12 and 7 during the week while my husband is away working. We have sports clubs every day of the week and weekend, apart from Monday-when I’m too shattered to do anything anyway!
I know I will have to face the fact of coming back after 2yrs and starting again, but I can’t help feel I’ll be missing out if I didn’t take the opportunity.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/02/2024 18:08

If he's really willing to fund you then great but I would seriously consider getting two flats in the same block rather than one house so that you can get a boyfriend.

Unless you want to give him a chance and go to therapy etc - you both seem to want to stay in the marriage?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/02/2024 18:10

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 17:16

I'm going to say this as kindly as I can.

Your husband is full of shit, and you are delusional.

Living, being with someone who doesn't love you will be incredibly damaging.

Moving the kids INTO an environment like this will be damaging.

Taking away their current support systems to replace it with two adults who don't love each other in a foreign country.

The stress of doing this in a healthy relationship is a lot to deal with, let alone in a marriage that is over and both parties are gaslighting other that everything will be fine, we'll play happy families.

And you, feeling this is a better option for you and the kids - You need some serious therapy to work on your self esteem, the co-dependency of your relationship with your husband and your boundaries.

I appreciate your head is a mess with this. But that's the point really.

I think the does love her he just doesn't respect the marriage vow about faithfulness and he can't keep it in his pants

Plenty of women can over look this for the lifestyle benefits and partnership of marriage it's quite common in France. Never me! But let's not judge op if she wants to

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/02/2024 18:11

Milfam · 18/02/2024 13:15

We spoken long and hard about it. We will not being seeing anyone else for the time we are out there, I understand that last hard to believe given his past!!!
we want to go out as a family, for our children to experience a new culture, to travel the world, to learn a new language.
we have talked about the financial aspect, it wouldn’t be any different as to when we were together. Ie him supporting me. He’s very supportive of that.he knows what I’ve given up for him and his career.
He’s not a bad man, he’s someone who cheated on his wife yes, but he’s not a horrible person. He’s a great dad and He knows how hard this is for me. he’s supportive of whatever decision I make and wants to make the “co parenting” work for us all.
I used to being in my own, and have plenty of friends and family that will be out visiting. And I can get another job out there if I wish. There’s lots of military support groups as you probably know to join in too.
But I want to concentrate on the kids and make it as good as experience as possible for them. Spend quality time with them that I don’t get now because I do it all in my own in the week and we’re so busy at weekends. The stress of it all is relentless. He will still have to go even if I don’t, so I think we’ll be worse off as I will be doing even more on my own and they won’t see their dad until the holidays.
I do appreciate what everyone is saying and I know it’s seems crazy but coparanting surely can work for people.

I don't think you need to promise not to date anyone else in fact I really think you should find a boyfriend

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
strawberry2017 · 18/02/2024 18:13

Are you absolutely insane. How is a man who's cheated on your twice that you know of a good husband and father?
Why on earth would you even consider moving to another country with someone whose would do this to you?
There is not a chance in hell I would even be considering this.

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 20:40

@Unexpectedlysinglemum but it isn't love to repeatedly cheat on someone. Married or not.

Someone do it yes, but they usually knew what they were getting into and had a clear benefits to gain.

OP here has very little to gain. What happens when they come back in two years? Where's her independence, financial control, stability for her, and the children?

Least of all because we know he'll be sleeping around and she'll be looking after the kids.

It's like running away but totally in the wrong direction with the wrong person.

It might be different if OP had formed a half rationale plan about how she benefits from this, but she hasn't.

Jk987 · 20/02/2024 16:29

Based on your update, I think it could be good for the children as they'll see their father.
I think it's unrealistic for you both not to date/have sex for the whole time though.

WeeOrcadian · 20/02/2024 18:17

He can't be trusted to keep his dick to himself, what makes you trust him enough to live in another country while he 'keeps you'???

Agecanonix · 20/02/2024 18:31

I'm going against the grain here and say go for it.

But I don't live in the UK so getting into schools isn't an issue where I live and kids come and go from my dc secondary often.

I think living abroad is a Super experience and worth at least some consideration

And you've your eyes open to your dh so maybe this could be an exercise in learning to co-parent without being in a couple. It's better than him going and all 5 of your struggling individually. If it doesn't work, you'll have tried your best.

HoHoHoliday · 20/02/2024 19:08

I think it's not so much going that's the problem - it makes sense at the moment, kids have both parents with them, keep the family together, no problem, new environment to enjoy, no problem.

The problem comes in six months, or a year or so, when, inevitably, either you or you husband - and it's probably going to be him - meets someone else, and the family unit breaks up. Then you are either coming home alone because your kids are settled in school over there, or you are uprooting the kids and disrupting a significant school age for the eldest to bring you and them home together away from their dad and his new girlfriend. The two of you might the intention now to get on well, but when he's spending every evening with his girlfriend you will feel differently.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page