Broken up but want moving to another country together with kids

[Milfam]

i found out my husband cheated on me for the second time at new year. It was devastating to say the least. I know I deserve better and cannot be with him as I could never trust him again. However, he is a fantastic dad and despite what’s happened, he is a good husband, in the fact he is supportive caring and works hard for us all.
Before I found out what had happened, we had been offered the opportunity to live aboard for two years. House paid for, kids private education paid for. The lot. It has always been my dream to live in another country and the fact that I can give up with work-albeit only for two yrs and spend time being a full time mum, and do things for me for a change was so exciting to me and was soo looking forward to it.
We have been together 20yrs, we get on great and we’ve talked about it and although we know we can’t be together, although he would like to give things another go, we think we can live together and still bring up our children together and still take this fantastic opportunity.
Although, I am very close to my family, we don’t live near each other, We don’t have any family support where we live. So I’m used to doing being on my own (my husband works away a lot)
My family are not in favour at all!!! They hate him for what he has done and i understand why. They will not be happy if I say I’m even considering it. However, they don’t have my life, they don’t have to go to work, and look after the kids etc. as much they come and visit and help out. It’s sometimes more of a pain, as they stay with us and it’s just not very practical at times.
But I can’t help think I will never get this chance again, the kids will have an experience of a lifetime and I get to do things for myself for a change.
i currently work full time and I’m on my own with 3 kids, 13,12 and 7 during the week while my husband is away working. We have sports clubs every day of the week and weekend, apart from Monday-when I’m too shattered to do anything anyway!
I know I will have to face the fact of coming back after 2yrs and starting again, but I can’t help feel I’ll be missing out if I didn’t take the opportunity.

This sounds sensible if your desperate to go. Get a part time job if possible.

Also discuss about new partners situations

Good Lord no! You'll be more dependent on him with no job. Can you do extra training here in your field instead to try to increase your salary? You've said yourself you can't live together (very wise).

Is he going to go with or without you?
what does he say about this plan

I don’t think it’s a completely crazy idea but obviously we don’t know him. What if he cheats again? Or would that not matter

Not because of you and your dhs situation but for the dc. 13 is a TERRIBLE time to move. 11 not much better

Sorry 12

You're selfish and mad to consider this. This is not in anyone's interests except your husband. You're in cloud cuckoo land, honestly.

You'll risk ruining your career, unhappy kids, possibly having your kids stuck in another country without you, giving all power over your life to your husband because your visa will depend on him and if you get divorced, will that be in the jurisdiction of the new country? Absolutely shit show waiting to happen.

At best , you're going to be what...at home while he's out dating again or vice versa? For your kids to deal with parents splitting up and moving to a new country at a bad time to make new friends and for school... Not good.

You’re a little vague about your exact intentions OP. He wants to get back together. Moving abroad with him, would mean continuing to live as a family.

I think the following would happen; you’d move abroad, enjoy a luxurious life where everything is paid for, and turn a blind eye to his cheating (which will probably continue).

Some women do choose this life, I’m not judging you. Like you say, if you break up with him, you lose this opportunity to move abroad. If you stay with him, you lose dignity and self-respect. It’s up to you.

So you want to go seperated and living in the same house, with a man who can't keep it in his pants when you are together, because it gives you the opportunity to live somewhere else and be completely isolated as a stay at home parent, uprooting kids who are teenagers, to live in that situation? He'll start sleeping with someone else. It's inevitable. And then you're alone in a foreign country in a house with a man who has another partner.......I can't see how this could possibly let be anything other than a disaster

Will you be telling your children you are separated or trying to maintain the illusion of a happy marriage?

Uprooting children in mid teens temporarily is a huge deal but throwing in their parents marriage ending too just sounds like a total disaster.

Focus on supporting your kids and establishing a new and stable life for you all without your husband.

I really wouldn't give up your job and move to a place where you'll be financially dependent on your cheating husband and he will be the only person you know. What if he decides he wants a divorce and insists you move out?

I agree, this is a huge risk on your part. You'll need to iron out the details and feel very secure in the arrangement and what happens after for your own sake.

I can see why you are having the thought, but it is a disaster waiting to happen OP

It’s incredibly bad and confusing for the kids - you are separating - they need clarity and security, not a weird half way house set up with the added confusion of 2 moves in two years.

He wants to get back with you - if you do that it’s an incredibly bad move, if you don’t he will find another partner and that will be even weirder for your kids and he may well ask you to move out, or you will feel you have to.

Moving abroad is often unsettling and lonely. Children often find it hard to settle. He’ll be busy at work, you’ll be left alone.

He is not by any stretch a good husband, but the fact you say he is indicates you may take him back (you have before) when you are lonely abroad. Then he will have another affair and you will have to go through all this again, confusing the kids.,again.

Taking two years out of work isn’t a great idea when you are about to separate and will need more money for your return.

I understand it’’s hard to work FT with kids, but you need to focus on sorting your new separated life out so it does work for you and your kids.

Absolutely do not do this. You will be putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position. Once the habitual residence changes from the UK to wherever you move to you cannot leave with the children without DH's consent. All your UK protections will disappear and this is already a failed relationship. Educationally 13 for 2 years is a nightmare. Lots of schools start GCSE syllabus in Y9 and there's no way of moving at any point between start of Y10 (certainly not after Xmas) & end of Y11 as subjects and boards will not line up. From someone who has moved around with DC Internationally for years as a trailing spouse this is not a good idea in your situation.

Absolute madness to even consider this for all the reasons already given - sounds like you feel you deserve a 2 yr holiday - reality will be the exact opposite of a holiday.

The impact on your career could ve catastrophic. Settling a family into a new country and then doing the reverse on the return is a big job, emotionally and logistically. Not having your partner 100% by your side will have an impact on how difficult that is. Separation is difficult on parents and children, moving for only two years is hugely unsettling. Children are not resilient, the do adapt but the benefits have to outweigh the impact of moving for them as well as for you. You already bear more of the parenting burden, child birth, maternity, care 24/7 while your husband works away, this has long term impacts on your mental health, your self worth outside of your family, your long term earnings. What does the long term look like, will your husband give you enough of the shared family wealth to allow you and the children to be comfortable when you get back? The savings associated with living abroad where accomodation and school fees are paid, may not materialise in the way that you imagine. The children may struggle to settle abroad, especially as it is a short term assignment, they may then struggle to settle back in when they return, in school, with frienda and with their activities. And then there is you... doing things for yourself sounds wonderful... but that will take time while you focus on the family. I can't imagine embarking on such an adventure and living with a person I no longer shared my life with. Maybe you can construct a different future that does allow you to have time for yourself. Maybe find a counseller who can help you to explore what will make you happy.

I think it would be terrible for your DC to move to another country for 2 years. I think the time has passed to do this. If your eldest was 7 or 8, maybe.

Tbh, he is not much of a parent if he takes this job at all, having just blown up the family.

This is a really bad idea OP , for all the reasons others have mentioned.

You are in love the romantic notion of foreign lands and pastures new. Its a seductive idea especially if you're escaping a bad marriage but you're not, he'll still be there constantly. Take off the rose tinted glasses.

Without a job or income of your own you are completely beholden to this man, he has all the financial security and job security while you would be giving up all of yours. The move is for him, he's doing the selfish thing, he's using the offer of private school for the kids as a sweetener to convince you its a good idea but he's just trying to sell it to you when its all for his benefit and not really for yours or the DC.

A couple of years at a private school may sound like a dream but at this age your DC would have their subject options, activities and friendships upended, twice, at important stages.

The move is to advance his career. It tanks yours. It tanks your future job prospects and your future financial security. Two years playing at being a lady of leisure will fly and then in 2 years no job to come back to, starting from scratch without the safety net of his income.

You say you live away from family anyway but the huge increase in distance plus lack of social connections would force you and him to spend more time together if anything. Rather than separating from him you're locking yourself in.

If he decides the DC must stay there after 2 years (because moving schools at that age is massively disruptive to their education, so that would make sense) there is nothing you can do and without a job or work visa there's a good chance you'd be forced to return alone. Don't think for a minute he won't bar you from bringing the DC home (not removing them from their lovely private school would sound reasonable and fair at that point, easy to paint you as the unhinged cruel parent and so silkily done).

And then he meets someone else through work after 6 months and you're forced to leave the house.

If he wants to move countries for his career wave him off with a smile, he can't take the DC but I bet you he will dump them and go anyway. If he doesn't or if you are still keen to move there, go to that country under your own steam with a job to go to after you've divorced him.

Your dc might love living abroad. They might learn a new language. They may love the food and culture, the private school may boost their education and their prospects. They may have opportunities they do not have in the UK.

Or they might hate it. I don't know your dc or their current situations. You know that best.

But the biggest arguments against you going:

Dependence on your dh. It will be total, and it will change your power balance in a way that is tricky even in a strong, trusting marraiage. Which is not what you are working with.

Your relationship will deteriorate, guaranteed. And your dc, whose lives are now more centred on home (friends and family are in the UK), will have front row seats.

You will have put your career at risk at a time you can least afford it. Pension contributions, savings, etc. (The caveat here is you using that 2 years to upskill or retrain.)

You need a break, and you want to run away. I get that. But you can't run with him. He is a huge problem in your life, not the solution.

So... what will make your life better if you and dc stay, and he goes?

If you want to travel with dc, how can you make that happen, without him?

If you want to live abroad, how can you make that happen, without him?

So you want to become financially dependent on him, move away from friends and family this making yourself socially isolated and socially dependent on him and move your kids at a really bad age for school which would damage both their education and leave them socially and emotionally isolated and dependent only on their parents who are currently separated.

This is about him having control over you, and effectively forcing you back into a relationship with him - but because you aren't together, leaving him in a situation where he can pursue any woman he likes.

This is about him wanting to own you going forward and him still being able to have his cake and eat it.

You like a mug are lapping it up. And neither of you are remotely considering the impact on your kids.

This sounds like an ongoing abusive relationship.

Life has moved on unfortunately. You can't do this any more. Even if you wanted to get back with him it's too risky as he has too much power. You risk having to come home without your dc. He had an affair likely because he had already moved on from you.

Your Dc are at an age where they need less from you so it's a good time for you to develop your career and hobbies and even start dating if you want.

Terrible idea for many reasons, not least that you are no longer a couple and he wants to be.

If you were in the same place, had more time to process what's happened in your marriage then it might be more successful but I doubt it.

I also think it's really unfair on your kids for things to be so blurred between you.

Finally, even if none of this had happened, I still think with the ages of the older children, it's terrible timing in terms of education to move them away for 2 years then move back.

How would you feel when he dates other women under your nose? I'm assuming you're both free to date if you're not together.

You are likely to be more isolated from family abroad. They are less likely to visit, even if logistically possible, knowing the situation and dislike of dh behaviour. He wants to put you into a subservient role away from support and your job. Is that what you really want? Your dc are already used to him not being there all week, they could visit during holidays or perhaps over long weekends.

Hang on, is this a wind up?
You want to give up work, become totally financially dependent on someone else, and move away from your family, to another country, to be with a man who has so little respect for you that he shags around? And you want to uproot your kids from their lives so they can watch their father cheat on their mother, and be stuck with no alternative, due to her financial dependence on him? You say you “cannot be with him” as you’ll never trust him again. So would you be going abroad as a separated couple? Is that even allowed as part of the deal? Or will you pretend to still be a couple to the outside world, but have separate rooms, and hope the kids miraculously don’t notice what a dysfunctional set up they’re living in?
I find it hard to think of a worse situation to be in. What about when your husband wants to bring his latest girlfriend back to the house, and you have no say at all, as he’s paying for everything.
Madness. Your poor kids.