Broken up but want moving to another country together with kids

[Milfam]

i found out my husband cheated on me for the second time at new year. It was devastating to say the least. I know I deserve better and cannot be with him as I could never trust him again. However, he is a fantastic dad and despite what’s happened, he is a good husband, in the fact he is supportive caring and works hard for us all.
Before I found out what had happened, we had been offered the opportunity to live aboard for two years. House paid for, kids private education paid for. The lot. It has always been my dream to live in another country and the fact that I can give up with work-albeit only for two yrs and spend time being a full time mum, and do things for me for a change was so exciting to me and was soo looking forward to it.
We have been together 20yrs, we get on great and we’ve talked about it and although we know we can’t be together, although he would like to give things another go, we think we can live together and still bring up our children together and still take this fantastic opportunity.
Although, I am very close to my family, we don’t live near each other, We don’t have any family support where we live. So I’m used to doing being on my own (my husband works away a lot)
My family are not in favour at all!!! They hate him for what he has done and i understand why. They will not be happy if I say I’m even considering it. However, they don’t have my life, they don’t have to go to work, and look after the kids etc. as much they come and visit and help out. It’s sometimes more of a pain, as they stay with us and it’s just not very practical at times.
But I can’t help think I will never get this chance again, the kids will have an experience of a lifetime and I get to do things for myself for a change.
i currently work full time and I’m on my own with 3 kids, 13,12 and 7 during the week while my husband is away working. We have sports clubs every day of the week and weekend, apart from Monday-when I’m too shattered to do anything anyway!
I know I will have to face the fact of coming back after 2yrs and starting again, but I can’t help feel I’ll be missing out if I didn’t take the opportunity.

Thank you for all of the responses. I really appreciate your time.
So we are a military family hence why it’s a two yr posting, so there is and would be lots of support for both myself and the children as it’s a massive military contingent.
Currently, My husband is works away in the week and comes home at weekends. I have friends but I’m used to being on my own.
The children are aware that we should be going away, but only my eldest is aware of the split so far. All children are very excited about going. About going to a new school, learning a new language and living in a hot country. The school follows the English curriculum, so they will be doing their GCSEs as normal.
financially, we have discussed that he would still support us, the same as if none of this had happened and the same if we don’t go.

Regardless if we go or not we want to bring up our children together and make it as smooth and painless for them as possible. We are very amicable despite what he’s done. It’s easy to be angry at him but it doing no one any favours.
Ive wanted to change careers for years, I’ve been in the same job for over 20 yrs and have worked at my current job for 17yrs. I was looking forward to leaving in order to give me the kick up the backside to finally look at something I really want to do.
I know it all sounds mad. And believe me if the kids were dead against it I wouldn’t even consider it.
Our life’s will continue on the same path if we do not go. I will continue to be stressed at all the running around, working and ultimately doing more work as my husband will still have to go unaccompanied.

Its not about the ability to do GCSEs... its about doing the same gcses with the same curriculum. I don't know any military families who chose to move in those years.

I’m not how many military families you know but it’s very common in my experience. Albeit not ideal.

I've been an army wife for 15years.
Seriously... the biggest talk with older kids was avoiding moving in exam years if you didn't have to.

I say go for it. Parenting together post split up doesn’t have to be ignoring and screaming and silent hand overs. I had a friend that they stayed together Christmas Day to give the kids a joint day: they went on holidays staying in two rooms and the kids went between them. I know it wouldn’t work for most people but for them it worked and so much better for the kids.

Just have a set of rules about new relationships and not bringing them into the house etc. Being military you’ll have a good set up and enjoy

And as a wife of 23yr serving and work for the military myself, yep not ideal but not uncommon. Let’s face it, not everyone has the choice. But I understand what you’re saying and appreciate your comments.

Ultimately, yes its your choice. As long as the children understand the potential for problems seeing as it is optional in your case.

So what will the ground rules be between you?

I assume you have to stay married for the military to pay for you to go.
Do you live separately in the same house? Separate bedrooms? Will you actually decide to turn a blind eye again in the end for the convenience of this opportunity

Are you both free to date other people?
How will you actually feel alone in another country when he starts up a relationship with another woman and rubs your face in it?
Or if you meet someone else then will he genuinely be happy to continue to support you not working for 2 years and being free to pursue your new relationship. I doubt it.

And don't underestimate the gossip if he does have another affair. You probably know how much everyone knows about every little detail of peoples lives.

From what you’ve said in your posts, I think you could go for the 2yrs. Have a break but spend that time wisely, working out what you want to do when you get back to reality (kids, job, house).
They will be in a British school / doing English curriculum so can slot back in when you come home. I wouldn’t really want to be moving them around if they are in exam years (10-11 and 12-13), as that could mess them up (unless you pay for tutors to bring them through). Any years before that they will be fine I’m sure, they’ll love it in fact.
You’ll be fine too, sounds like you’ve both accepted the situation for what it is and life goes on. It’s an opportunity, take it. If it doesn’t work out, you can come home.

We spoken long and hard about it. We will not being seeing anyone else for the time we are out there, I understand that last hard to believe given his past!!!
we want to go out as a family, for our children to experience a new culture, to travel the world, to learn a new language.
we have talked about the financial aspect, it wouldn’t be any different as to when we were together. Ie him supporting me. He’s very supportive of that.he knows what I’ve given up for him and his career.
He’s not a bad man, he’s someone who cheated on his wife yes, but he’s not a horrible person. He’s a great dad and He knows how hard this is for me. he’s supportive of whatever decision I make and wants to make the “co parenting” work for us all.
I used to being in my own, and have plenty of friends and family that will be out visiting. And I can get another job out there if I wish. There’s lots of military support groups as you probably know to join in too.
But I want to concentrate on the kids and make it as good as experience as possible for them. Spend quality time with them that I don’t get now because I do it all in my own in the week and we’re so busy at weekends. The stress of it all is relentless. He will still have to go even if I don’t, so I think we’ll be worse off as I will be doing even more on my own and they won’t see their dad until the holidays.
I do appreciate what everyone is saying and I know it’s seems crazy but coparanting surely can work for people.

Which country is it? (Don't have to answer if you don't want to!)

Which country?

Sorry X-post

It all sounds insanely disruptive for your kids and surely it will fuck them up having two broken up parents still living together under the guise of…giving them an interesting experience being uprooted from all of their security?

And then uprooting them again, to get divorced return to your home country, having to find somewhere to live and seek employment. Sounds absolutely awful.

Of course he wants it to be happy families as that means no consequences for cheating on you; of course the kids think it’s exciting they are not old enough to know the reality; you need to be the voice of reason here but it sounds like you are caught up in a romantic notion which reality simply won’t live up to.

You want to be completely dependent on this man in a foreign country. You must need your bloody head read! If it's somewhere like Dubai or Saudi you best hope he doesn't have another afair, because he'll be able to chuck you out, keep the kids, and they'll not be a darn thing you can do about it. I genuinely can't believe you're even considering it.

You know when he says he won’t be seeing anyone while you’re abroad? Is that the same as when he said he wouldn’t be seeing anyone else when you got married? Is he going to be celibate for 2 years?

Well knock yourself out if you want to but you already know that his promises mean Jack shit

This 'lovely' man is a serial cheater and leopards don't change their spots. The one thing that's for certain is he'll be shagging around. The only question is whether you let him shag you as well, give in and go back to turning a blind eye. Many marriages where men work away do go on in that way of course. It wouldn't be for me. I don't like to share

Personally I just can't fathom wanting to spend a lot of time playing happy families with a man who has serially cheated on me. I can't understand how you are not more angry with him.

Do you have the option to stay here and reduce/ stop working while he is away? Then it wouldn't be so relentless and stressful on your own here with the children.

However, if you know the school the eldest will be returning to (as you own your home in catchment and it is undersubscribed,) and they can advise you of the availability of options, then I would go.

(Military family too, who chose not to move the child until GCSE's finished.)

Your husband's word means nothing. He has proven that already - at least twice.

He also has a whole new pool of women to chase after too.

I can see what's in it for him. He has a nanny available and will continue to see his kids as much as he does now.

I think you are mad for considering it but I get the impression your mind is made up.

If it is,it's very important you have a plan B.

Do you have the funds to leave the country and return home if you are unhappy?

Will you be able to take the children with you? What impact will it have on their education?

What supports are there in the new country like women's aid or the police should your relationship get even more toxic? What if he throws you out?

Can family & friends afford to visit you if you get incredibly lonely?

You need to ensure you have absolutely no blackers to reverse this and also that you aren't dependent on his money or acceptance of the situation if it doesn't work out?

Whilst you may have some back up being a forces family you would still be putting everything on hold for someone who is fundamentally untrustworthy, In two years I really would not assume your dc will learn language or experience local culture via an international school. It will be same but different at best. However I sense you have a vague hope of reconciliation by doing this so have already made up your mind and are looking to mn for the affirmation and reassurance which your family may not be providing.

I'm going to say this as kindly as I can.

Your husband is full of shit, and you are delusional.

Living, being with someone who doesn't love you will be incredibly damaging.

Moving the kids INTO an environment like this will be damaging.

Taking away their current support systems to replace it with two adults who don't love each other in a foreign country.

The stress of doing this in a healthy relationship is a lot to deal with, let alone in a marriage that is over and both parties are gaslighting other that everything will be fine, we'll play happy families.

And you, feeling this is a better option for you and the kids - You need some serious therapy to work on your self esteem, the co-dependency of your relationship with your husband and your boundaries.

I appreciate your head is a mess with this. But that's the point really.

I'd want to go, if only so that the DC can still see their dad - since presumably, he's going either way?

Will he still be travelling as much as now once he's in the new overseas posting? I.e. you would be sharing a house but he wouldn't actually be there most of the time?

IF you do this, you need to understand the risks. As others have said, what country is it, can you leave easily with the kids if you need to, what if he meets someone else (you already know his promises not to are meaningless), how will you support yourself when you return (again promises meaningless unless actually legally enforceable) etc etc!