Do you do things/activities as a family all together?

[staryeyed]

If so what do you do and how old are your children?

fivecandles - but do you think that if your parents had used better negotiation tactics, you would have kicked up as much fuss?

lol at one of you staying behind if the 3 year old doesn't want to go out

fgs

If adults want to do what they want all the time, they had better not have children.

As a parent, you have to be prepared to concede to your child's fatigue, hunger etc. They are smaller and weaker than you.

If you breastfeed a child, you are at his/her beck and call for the first year of life.

Every situation between people requires individual judgement - saying in ABC situation I do XYZ is hopefully only an approximation of the judgement call you will make at the time. It is certainly not worth arguing the details about hypothetical situations on a thread like this.

But the message remains - as a parent, you do not have the trump card to make decisions for your family that our in your own interest.

No, I don't have the trump card to make family decisions in MY interest - I don't think I ever said that. What I do have is a casting vote when consensus has failed. Which it does in most families - actually, I would hazard a guess in ALL families except yours, Anna. In the example I gave, your little one would get what she wanted, but nobody else would - presuming that what the other three people wanted was a family activity. How would the older child feel about missing out on a walk with both parents? And in all this talk of consensus, the little one would not be being reasonable, IMO, by refusing to go in the pushchair.

I think if you have two siblings of a certain age and they go in for things like oliveoil's examples there are occasions when you are simply not going to reach a compromise because one will automatically not want what they other wants simply because that is what the other wants.

If DS wants to do something, DD will deliberately want to do something else on occasion. I "made" DS ride his bike for 10 mins yesterday when that is what DD wanted to do. We had already cleaned upstairs as a family - me doing the regular basics like cleaning toilets and baths, DH doing hoovering out of bedside lamps etc , both DC tidying their bedrooms, DD (3) emptying the bins etc. Then DS had had 1/2 hour on his DS, we had been shopping to buy DS some new tracksuit bottoms and a cagool that he needs for soccer school later in the week. Then we had been bowling and for a Wimpy and to Halfords to look at new bikes for both DC. Then I had done some gardening while DH had played games with both children. So DS had had a good mix of chores, fun things etc and 10 mins on his bike with his little sister was not going to harm him.

And I would have been quite happy leaving him (he is 7) in the house on his own (DH had gone to do a few holes of golf) on the PS2 or reading or whatever as we were only out on the cul-de-sac. So there was an alternative.

seeker - but no-one in this family would ever complain that we weren't doing something "as a family" ie all five of us because we do so much altogether. We have no problem with the idea that there are activities, and sometimes we do them altogether, and sometimes as a twosome or a threesome or a foursome. In your example there would be no feeling of failure - we would be very happy with the consensus we had reached.

You are projecting your family's values on to mine - but our values are not the same

So Anna, what would you do if your 10 yr old stepson refused to let you wash him?

I see washing a child who doesn't want to wash as forcing the child to do something he doesn't want to do.

I also see not giving him food before he has drunk water as forcing him to do something that is against his wishes.

I also think you are right to force the child on both these occasions.

Message withdrawn

He doesn't refuse. If his hair is filthy, despite him so-called washing it, I say "Come on, DSS2, DD and I are going to wash your hair now, get your towel and take your t-shirt off and come and join us in our bathroom."

When I think my DSSs hair is beyond redemption, they cooperate - and end up in fits of giggles, generally, because they think it hilarious that their little sister participates in washing their hair.

No I'm not projecting my values onto you - I just can't see how one person imposing their views ont he wishes of the majority can possibly be called reaching a consensus!

seeker - you are making the overt assumption that people in our family would be upset that one/two or more members would opt out of an activity. But they aren't. We are free to choose.

My daughter and I didn't go ski-ing this year with my partner and stepsons. We can opt out of holidays too. No-one was upset. My stepson is going away for the weekend in a month with his paternal grandparents, who also invited the other children - but they'd prefer to stay with us. That's fine.

Cod - the position of a teacher in front of a class of children is pretty different to that of parents in a family....

But Anna surely your DD can only opt of skiing because you have also opted out? I think you are making it simpler than it really is.

Do you think I should have let DS play the PS2 instead of riding his bike? Given that he got to play the PS2 afterwards anyway.

Bozza - two years ago my DD didn't go ski-ing (she stayed with my parents) and I did. So no - you are wrong

Guys - GIVE IT UP
Anna NEVER concedes a point!!!

I just think it's a bit of a strange definition of consensus, that's all! I actually think our family is more consensual. In the situation I cited, we would offer the little one the choice of bike, scooter or pushchair (even though this would limit where we could go). If she still refused, I would say "well, I'm sorry, but we're going and you have to come with us. But tomorrow we can [insert lo's choice of activity]"

The point about reaching a consensus is everyone being allowed to do what they feel like doing and everone being OK with that, not everyone having the same "forced family fun" (as others have called it).

The consensus might sometimes be that all five members of the family do the same thing and at other times that we do things apart, and that we are all OK with that because we respect one another's desires.

Obviously I am wrong. Leaving a 1yo to go on holiday was not an option in our family so it never happened. DH and I are having a dirty weekend in Dublin in May and leaving 7 and 4yos with grandparents. They probably would have liked to come but it would have rather cramped our style so they didn't get the option.

what would you have done in my Pizza Express example below then Anna?

(all us wanting to go apart from dd1)

we could have said ok we will not go, to please dd1. Cue hungry adults and stroppy dd2.

so we went and only one person was in a mood

now if I had a nanny I could have left dd1 with her on the curb while I had my doughballs...