Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Help me salvage relationship between DD & DH

90 replies

MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:22

Help please!!!
I'm very worried about the terrible relationship between DD (13) & DH.

They barely speak if they can help it. Neither have anything positive to say about the other. DD is MUCH happier when DH is out. A great example this evening... DD had her parents evening online. Fairly good all round, a little distracted but doing well in the most important subjects. DH was at work while I attended online and when he came in I said I was pleased. DD walked in, I happily said I was just telling DH how well you've done at school. (Hint hint please be positive & congratulate her!) He said "yeah well done. Stop swinging on the f*cking cupboard" she wasn't. She opened it to get out a snack. She storms off. I said to him you've just turned something back to a negative so quickly. His response "I'll congratulate her in my own time I want to, it's weird you try to get involved". He wouldn't have. He didn't even remember it was parents evening and definitely wouldn't have asked how she got on...

Is this beyond salvageable? I've seen her share tiktok reposts about Daughter/Father relationships so this is obviously bothering her. They've never been overally close but since she started secondary school it's gone significantly downhill. I honestly feel like they hate each other.

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 25/01/2024 20:24

Does he see an issue with their relationship/his behaviour to her?

Prawncow · 25/01/2024 20:25

She’s a teenager. What’s his excuse?

BumpyaDaisyevna · 25/01/2024 20:26

Why is your DH saying "f-ing" to your daughter??

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:27

@RowanMayfair no. He says well she's a Mummy's girl. Says she's gobby and selfish. She can be, she is a typical 13 year old. She is hormonal, attitude and up and down moods. He is one of the most selfish people I know. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree lol and they just seem to rub each other up the wrong way instantly. It's so sad.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 25/01/2024 20:27

He sounds awful to her. So sad that you say they've never been overly close! Is he as much of a dick as he sounds? Is he her dad?

Original poster
MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:27

@BumpyaDaisyevna he constantly speaks like this and has a very aggressive tone. He said he can't help it, he is loud with a deep voice. It's not an excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:29

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug yes he's her Dad. We have 2 DC. She's definitely always been closer to me. Any "problems" she has he said is attention seeking. It's a really sad situation and I can honestly see it breaking our relationship if it carries on. Yes he is my DH but she is my baby.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 25/01/2024 20:29

Family therapy if you think he has the emotional literacy and willingness to engage in good faith.

If not - I would leave him. DD needs a home where she can be comfortable, accepted and free to be a fallible teenager without being stifled by a toxic, hypercritical parent. If she can't have that with him, he needs to go.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/01/2024 20:30

How awful for your poor DD. Her best example of how a man is supposed to be is critical, mean, shouty, selfish and unkind.

This period is so important. And he's fucking it up majorly. He says he can't help it. Is it that he doesn't want a relationship with her or just that being a wanker is more important than having a relationship with her? Because it's one of those two.

Original poster
MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:31

@sprigatito he would never agree to it. Thinks any kind if therapy is "bullsh*t" though he clearly needs it himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:32

@MrsTerryPratchett I've said to him before she will think this is normal and if she was spoken to like this by her partner when she's older surely as a Dad you'd want to lump him one?

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 25/01/2024 20:32

Wtaf?! He sounds abusive. From your thread title I was expecting that this was a 'six of one and half a dozen of the other' type scenario. But no. It's a 'Your husband is a mean, aggressive prick who is abusuve towards his young daughter' scenario. I would not stay with a man who behaved this way towards my child. Jesus wept.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 25/01/2024 20:32

MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:27

@BumpyaDaisyevna he constantly speaks like this and has a very aggressive tone. He said he can't help it, he is loud with a deep voice. It's not an excuse.

It's not normal for a father to swear like that at his 13 year old girl. How can she respect him and look up to him.
He can help it but doesn't want to or doesn't think it matters.
You can't force him to change.
You have a DH problem not a DH-DD problem.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 25/01/2024 20:32

I absolutely agree on it breaking your relationship, I'm sorry but he sounds like a horrible person to be treating his child like this, he sounds like he resents and dislikes her without real foundation. Teenagers can be annoying but to feel it consistently with no justification is very wrong. This will be damaging her for sure. If it were me I'd be thinking about whether I was prepared to give him an ultimatum to change his attitude or leave the family home. Might he consider therapy? Doesn't sound like he's able to be reasonable about how he treats her.

milkonesugar35 · 25/01/2024 20:32

No advice but I could have written every single word in your post. Identical situation here op. Literally.

Oneofthesurvivors · 25/01/2024 20:34

He's a cunt. Leave him.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 25/01/2024 20:35

MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:32

@MrsTerryPratchett I've said to him before she will think this is normal and if she was spoken to like this by her partner when she's older surely as a Dad you'd want to lump him one?

And what does he say when you say that?

Original poster
MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:35

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug thats what I think I need to do. We can't carry on like this. It would break my heart if my child was hoping I wasn't at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:35

@milkonesugar35 sorry you're also going through this. Raising a teenager is so tough! Let alone having a man child in the mix.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:36

@BumpyaDaisyevna shrugs.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/01/2024 20:36

I think I'm feeling squishy about this one because I have a 13yo who was actually a little hard work. And my DH works so hard to parent and be a good man in her life. She was sad yesterday because her martial arts class didn't go well. He used humour and experience to turn her around.

Don't get me wrong they have their moments. But she has no doubt she's loved and he is in her corner when the chips are down.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 25/01/2024 20:36

My father was like this. I hated it being just him and me in the house (I'm an only child). He had a horrible temper, very unpredictable, and I had a constant, constant feeling that I was a dreadful disappointment to him.

As to what you can do about it, I'm not sure. My Mum never said anything to my father. But with your DH, would a stern word work? I feel so badly for your daughter 😞

FrankieLet · 25/01/2024 20:37

You seem to be framing this as a 50/50 issue between equals. It isn't. If their relationship is poor and always has been, it's 100% his fault and his responsibility. She is a child.

Years and years of being picked away at, sworn at, spoken to aggressively and having your achievements dismissed by a man who thinks you are "selfish and gobby" and cannot hide his contempt for you, is obviously going to have a profound impact on any child. It's not a surprise, given that you say he appears to "hate" her, that she is now displaying mood swings and emotional responses. What the hell do you expect, frankly?

Why aren't you protecting your daughter from this awful bully?

BumpyaDaisyevna · 25/01/2024 20:38

MumTeacherofMany · 25/01/2024 20:36

@BumpyaDaisyevna shrugs.

If he really has no wish to change or reflect on it then not sure what you can do with that really other than leave.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 25/01/2024 20:39

FrankieLet · 25/01/2024 20:37

You seem to be framing this as a 50/50 issue between equals. It isn't. If their relationship is poor and always has been, it's 100% his fault and his responsibility. She is a child.

Years and years of being picked away at, sworn at, spoken to aggressively and having your achievements dismissed by a man who thinks you are "selfish and gobby" and cannot hide his contempt for you, is obviously going to have a profound impact on any child. It's not a surprise, given that you say he appears to "hate" her, that she is now displaying mood swings and emotional responses. What the hell do you expect, frankly?

Why aren't you protecting your daughter from this awful bully?

I agree with this. My Mum didn't do anything but he was like this with her, too. It's very damaging to grow up feeling this way.