Help me salvage relationship between DD & DH

[MumTeacherofMany]

Help please!!!
I'm very worried about the terrible relationship between DD (13) & DH.

They barely speak if they can help it. Neither have anything positive to say about the other. DD is MUCH happier when DH is out. A great example this evening... DD had her parents evening online. Fairly good all round, a little distracted but doing well in the most important subjects. DH was at work while I attended online and when he came in I said I was pleased. DD walked in, I happily said I was just telling DH how well you've done at school. (Hint hint please be positive & congratulate her!) He said "yeah well done. Stop swinging on the f*cking cupboard" she wasn't. She opened it to get out a snack. She storms off. I said to him you've just turned something back to a negative so quickly. His response "I'll congratulate her in my own time I want to, it's weird you try to get involved". He wouldn't have. He didn't even remember it was parents evening and definitely wouldn't have asked how she got on...

Is this beyond salvageable? I've seen her share tiktok reposts about Daughter/Father relationships so this is obviously bothering her. They've never been overally close but since she started secondary school it's gone significantly downhill. I honestly feel like they hate each other.

My daughter had a call from the school saying that her six year old daughter had been hit on the back of the neck by another pupil whilst on the way to the toilet. She had a red mark and was understandably upset but was ok.
fast forward two days and my daughter finds that this has happened to at least three other little girls on their way to the toilet over a period of a few weeks. The perpetrator is a five year old boy. The teacher has told all children in my granddaughters class that they must now use a different toilet block and if they see this boy keep away from him, what I cannot fathom is why this child is being allowed to be in the toilet block on his own terrorising other children. Violence is surely not acceptable at any age.

@Cab65

It would be better for you to start a new thread if you would like support & advice

But he needs undermining - he is totally out of order. If my DH swore at our DC being undermined would be the least of his worries.

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his language and attitude have to improve immediately.

Have you asked him what type of dad he wants to be? He might not be able to articulate it but he needs this awkward question
It’s a long shot but he needs to be asked the right question to help him reflect upon his attitude

Is he jealous of her?
Has he changed since she has become a teenager and one step closer to being a woman ?
Not excusing him - he’s not being a good dad at all

@Cab65 I thunk you posted on the wrong thread?

Why is it for you to salvage?
You cannot change his behaviour
He can but wont eg dismisses therapy
You csn change your response
Consider separation
Read some chapters of "why does he do that"

He's a vile bully and by not leaving him with your DC you are letting him continue to bully your DD which makes you kind of just as bad

You need to protect your DC

He is not a nice man and you know it

He is not behaving like a parent should at all

You are to used to his behaviour

It's really sad that your DD has put up with his childish nasty behaviour

He’s abusive and you’re watching it happen. Horrific. Poor girl

You shouldn't have to call him out for his behaviour

Because He shouldn't be behaving like this at all

Normal Dads do not behave like this to their DC

They do not put them down constantly

It's draining and tiring

It's shit

He's a shitty human

Leave him

@rwalker don’t fool yourself with ‘their personalities are similar that’s why they clash.’ They clash because he is a nasty man. She may be learning from that. Please leave this abuser and save your girl.

Think of the baby P's and the Arthur Labinjo - Hughes of the world

If the less bullying parent had just said or done something then the DC wouldn't have been bullied

You can't stand by and watch

You just can't any more

It's cruel

Your poor DD. This isn’t them both hating each other or something for them to work on, this is for you to protect your DD from long standing emotional abuse. Even just that one example is horrific.

You see this as normal because there must be so much of it happening in your home. You’ve already recognised how damaging it is to your daughter and how she will put up with treatment like this by a partner as a minimum. But this level of feeling unloved and bullied by a parent leads to far far worse.

I worry about my DH going on like this with DS. I’ve seen the way his brother is with his son, who is now 13. It’s horrible… I sometimes think we might be better splitting sooner than later.