Help me salvage relationship between DD & DH

[MumTeacherofMany]

Help please!!!
I'm very worried about the terrible relationship between DD (13) & DH.

They barely speak if they can help it. Neither have anything positive to say about the other. DD is MUCH happier when DH is out. A great example this evening... DD had her parents evening online. Fairly good all round, a little distracted but doing well in the most important subjects. DH was at work while I attended online and when he came in I said I was pleased. DD walked in, I happily said I was just telling DH how well you've done at school. (Hint hint please be positive & congratulate her!) He said "yeah well done. Stop swinging on the f*cking cupboard" she wasn't. She opened it to get out a snack. She storms off. I said to him you've just turned something back to a negative so quickly. His response "I'll congratulate her in my own time I want to, it's weird you try to get involved". He wouldn't have. He didn't even remember it was parents evening and definitely wouldn't have asked how she got on...

Is this beyond salvageable? I've seen her share tiktok reposts about Daughter/Father relationships so this is obviously bothering her. They've never been overally close but since she started secondary school it's gone significantly downhill. I honestly feel like they hate each other.

What is he like with your other child op or of interest?

@BatshitCrazyWoman oh you poor thing so sorry you experienced that. A stern word doesn't seem to work. He says "I'm just starting" he says I'm too soft. I wouldn't say I'm overally soft. I am very patient and understanding with both DD because I remember being a teenager so well myself and I do genuinely think it is even tougher for teenagers these days.

I stopped liking my dad at the same age, for similiar reasons. Things never got any better. I would leave the room when he came in and generally avoid him. He moved abroad for work for 6 months once and it was great!

He clearly sensed that I didn't really like him, but had no idea why 🤨

He swears at her??

Your poor daughter. It’s awful for her - she has to live in that home and has no choice about it.

How can someone treat their own child like that?

@Justanything86 they aren't overally close either but do have a better relationship. They're both very much Mummy girls

You need to leave him. The problem is DH.

Your poor daughter.

A man father manages his own feelings and parents his daughter as if he is the adult and she the child.

A man child is on the same level as his daughter - he shouldn't be expected to manage his feelings or set himself any standards - if she annoys him he's justifying in swearing at her. If she wasn't annoying he wouldn't swear so it's clearly all her fault.

And please don't think I'm happy their Mummy's girl or have made them like that. I'm a total Daddy's girl and assumed they'd be like that and wish they were sometimes! I'm mid 30s and clearly remember bring on my Dad's shoulders and just feeling so happy & safe.

Maybe you might both be happier without him?

I wouldn't stand for a second my DH swearing at my 13 year old in this way, and you write it like it's normal. It's not. It's horrible. He sounds horrible. If my daughter was clearly happier when my DH wasn't home I would seriously consider leaving him.

@Scarydinosaurs he constantly swears

@Winnipeggy sorry I don't know how to write it like it's not normal. I know it's not. I don't swear at my children.

This is 100% his fault so you don't need to fix their relationship, you need to fix him (or rather, he needs to fix himself). He sounds like a twat so it won't be easy even if possible.

For a normal man I'd suggest sitting him down and spelling out for him that his behaviour towards his own child means he will one day lose that child forever. In this case it doesn't sound like he'll listen though. I'm so sorry as it must be hard to witness.

Swearing is actually fine. If the house is full of love and care. Swearing AT a child is absolutely not. Especially when he has obvious contempt for her (and you BTW).

He sounds like an arsehole

I’m sorry OP, I think it will just get worse and if you aren’t planning to LTB then I would just encourage her to avoid him rather than try and draw him in and inevitably make things worse

What is his attitude towards women like in general? With my step dad there was an undercurrent of misogyny with both me and my sister (his dd) v the boys which was damaging in its own right.

I'm glad you realise that, I hope you have enough support around you to leave this horrible man behind x

You're not to blame for his behaviour OP, he is abusing you too. I do think you need to think about splitting up, for the mental health and wellbeing of all three of you. He's clearly got no interest in fixing this

I had a dad like this, who also didn't think he was doing anything wrong.
He doesn't have much of a relationship with either of his kids now, and it's fucked me up in terms of relationships.

@Justanything86 I would say he is a man's man. But he isn't disrespectful to woman. Has a fairly good relationship with his Mum and sisters for example. He did really want a son, I wonder if this plays a part in it. They just really seem to rub each other up the wrong way and I am very concerned. This is her home. She has every right to feel calm & comfortable here

@Winnipeggy thankyou x

It's probably salvageable if your 'D'H completely changes his attitude towards his daughter and starts taking an interest in her: how she's doing at school, what she's generally up to, and makes an effort to build a better relationship with her and spends time with her in a mutually pleasant way. Otherwise, no. It doesn't sound like he really has an interest in building a good relationship with her.

@Precipice I agree. I'm very heartbroken this evening for her and the situation. But she will always come first

They are not Mummy’s girls though.

They are just close to the latent who treats them well. And that highlights how crap their relationship with their dad is.

@JustExistingNotLiving you are probably right.

My DD and DH have always hit heads, she is now grown up but it hasn't really changed, in many ways they are too alike and I still feel like I have to referee. I think you have to tell him he has to be approving of her doing well and definitely stop swearing in the house at all, my DH does sometimes and I object every time. I worked in an industry where swearing was the norm but NOT IN MY HOUSE. I have been known to swear to emphasis this...