Solidarity from anyone who has or had miserable babies

[Matildasfortune]

Anyone that can give me some light at the end of the tunnel, as I can’t see any yet.

8 month old baby who’s been largely miserable from the off.

• mega witching hours as a newborn
• was extremely unwell and nearly died in that time, I was conditioned to think ‘babies cry’ By everyone around me when it turns out there was a serious medical reason for it.
• will only nap at home, come hell or high water there will be no other naps elsewhere.
• We had a holiday from hell with the non napping baby who cried for the whole week at 4 months old
• Is pretty much unbearable when teething, endless moaning. We have 6 already.
• moans pretty much all day in the house
• moans in the car
• moans after 30 mins in the pushchair
• has been unwell (again) and needed medicine which has caused a bottle aversion.
• moans after ten mins of playing
• moans in high chair
• moans in jumperoo

Baby hates all baby groups, doesn’t really engage or smile at all in them so we do none.

Leaving the house is generally not done as it has to be timed with wake windows and I find the driving and being out with a constsnt moaning or crying baby very stressful.

baby used to smile fairly regularly but now hardly at all.

Does it get better? ❤️‍🩹

@esgill yep the upright pram has been great, it was always in the sling before and as she’s also high percentile weight and height, it was starting to hurt my back haha! Yes we had a 4m regression too, but it just lasted 2 weeks or so thankfully.

echo what @Alwaysinthehouse said about when you have a high needs baby you get less help offered! When people have spent time around my screaming banshee baby, the offers are not so forthcoming and people are reluctant but that’s when you need the help even more so!

Ahh yes, I didn’t mention in the OP the reliance on Ms Rachel and dancing fruit. Another source of tears and awful mum guilt for me that I am a failure of a parent as Ms Rachel is the only thing that makes baby smile. Imagining every other mother going on loved walks and baby groups whilst I’m stuck with a screen on.

I am so conditioned to it that the baby was asleep in their room last night and I put the TV on automatically
to Ms Rachel and sat watching it happily without even realising what I was doing.

I love all your replies. I find myself cutting away from friends with babies as it’s just frustrating seeing everyone else’s content happy babies out and about with my moaning, whinging banshee plus any drive is just torture there and back so that rules
out even the friends without a baby. I don’t even want to message people much as when they ask how it’s going and the honest answer is that we are surviving through gritted teeth and daily tears. I don’t want to dump on them and I know there’s nothing they can say to help, but equally don’t want sad tear face emojis pity responses either.

Oh OP, I truly feel your pain. I isolated myself so much in that first year.

I say don’t feel bad about miss Rachel - my daughter probably watched (if I’m being honest) 2-4hours a day because it was quite literally the only way to stop her from crying. It doesn’t seem to have harmed her! In fact she spoke very early and almost all of her early words were words I could trace back to Miss Rachel! With car trips, we bought an over the back of the seat iPad holder and put miss Rachel on 😳 totally solved the issue!

Re: isolation it does get better. From age 1 toddler stay and plays have been a godsend - DD actively engaged and loved them rather than feeling like everyone was just staring at us because she was the only one screaming.

OP I totally feel the constant sense of isolation. My husband was also hospitalized for 2 weeks and my cat then decided to develop a chronic disease shortly after (he's a senior cat and his condition is not uncommon but it was diagnosed late and he nearly died because of that) and I was starting to feel as if everyone around me was trying to die and I actually felt guilty for even getting pregnant because my pregnancy was intentional and I actually felt like I was killing everyone around me because I chose this path. 😭

I cried and cried and I just remember this very significant moment with my child after talking on the phone with my sister and her telling me children don't develop empathy until they are 3 years old. (Long story. In context it's Not as awful as it sounds!) But I thought "oh I guess there's no way she would understand how sick her dad is. Will she even notice if he died at this age?"And I got a call from the hospital saying we couldn't visit because my husband needed to be quarantined and he was highly contagious and it would be too dangerous for myself and a newborn. It was not covid. It was actually worse than covid. 😅 And the tears started flowing and my little baby just went quiet finally and she touched my tears on my face gave me the most curious look.

I smiled and she smiled back. I started smiling through the pain and that made her very happy. I decided that stuff about empathy maybe it's true on some level but it's not that black and white. They do feel something. Try smiling really smiling at your baby. It does help. Even if she didn't smile back she stopped crying during her diaper changes. It's hard smiling when you feel like worthless garbage but it makes a difference for the little ones. And if it doesn't work then you don't have to do Anything you don't want to do but I wanted to share.

But yes our family was really going through it and the pandemic just exasperated everything! So I really do sympathize. I shut out all my friends because I was ashamed. I felt like I failed her as a mother. 😓

I’m late to this thread but just wanted to send out love and solidarity to the OP and others going through this. Have been through it with a preemie with GI issues: the sleep deprivation is bad enough, the feeling of being unable to give peace to your child is worse, but the sense of failure and the judgment and lack of support /understanding from those who have NEVER been through the 24/7 torment of caring for a continually unsettled baby is just the icing on the cake. Tbh sometimes those saying “be the tiger mum!” (as important as it is to get help) can deepen that sense of failure because if you’re not well supported you’re already giving absolutely everything you’ve got just to get through the day. And the screen time is often part of the distraction from pain, and helps with your endurance. I spent hours dancing with DS in my arms in front of the Wiggles.
In my experience: it gets so much better and easier as time goes on (no one can put a timeline on it), even where there are SEN issues. All the love poured in during these hard times comes back to you in many different ways.

@Matildasfortune

hi, I’m looking at this post for a bit of hope! My baby girl is 14 months and I could have wrote this. Does it get any better? X

First child was a nightmare baby. Became easier and happier as a toddler but is a very intense and probably autistic child. She is very happy now though and a high achiever.