Solidarity from anyone who has or had miserable babies

[Matildasfortune]

Anyone that can give me some light at the end of the tunnel, as I can’t see any yet.

8 month old baby who’s been largely miserable from the off.

• mega witching hours as a newborn
• was extremely unwell and nearly died in that time, I was conditioned to think ‘babies cry’ By everyone around me when it turns out there was a serious medical reason for it.
• will only nap at home, come hell or high water there will be no other naps elsewhere.
• We had a holiday from hell with the non napping baby who cried for the whole week at 4 months old
• Is pretty much unbearable when teething, endless moaning. We have 6 already.
• moans pretty much all day in the house
• moans in the car
• moans after 30 mins in the pushchair
• has been unwell (again) and needed medicine which has caused a bottle aversion.
• moans after ten mins of playing
• moans in high chair
• moans in jumperoo

Baby hates all baby groups, doesn’t really engage or smile at all in them so we do none.

Leaving the house is generally not done as it has to be timed with wake windows and I find the driving and being out with a constsnt moaning or crying baby very stressful.

baby used to smile fairly regularly but now hardly at all.

Does it get better? ❤️‍🩹

DS was like this, he basically cried for a year. I'm certain that I had pretty severe undiagnosed PND as a result, but we soldiered on. We continued to go out and about regardless and I was just (very fondly) known as Tokyo & crying little Tokyo, that's literally all he did! I slaved over that child, he was mostly in my arms screaming at me, so our bond is very, very strong. He has also a nightmare pregnancy (repeated heavy bleeds) and a very traumatic birth.
He's 13 now, absolutely amazing, clever, hilarious, loads of friends etc. He's not diagnosed as ND but he can be a little 'off kilter' at times and I do wonder...

We approached it the other way. We knew that we wanted x2 DC so I was pregnant with DD just as DS was 1. Our thinking was that things couldn't get much worse! Fortunately DD was one of those absolute star babies, and has been amazing ever since. It was definitely a relief that it wasn't just that I was a rubbish parent!

Can I just say how baffled I am that most of you went for a second child There's no way in hell me or DH could risk another high needs baby

Always wanted multiple children, got let go in first pg from job so could adapt to DD1 needs - childcare was scare in that area and we though she'd never cope anyway so assumed that might improve with age so thought oh we'll have them close together and my career will restart when they get to school age. Actually school came with whole new set of problems they needed support with but they've not been bad teens at all.

Number 2 was because I couldn't deal with DS1 after a day at work. I needed the next year of maternity! By the time I went back to work after number 2, I was getting at least 4 straight hours sleep every night. It made a massive difference to how I could function.

I'm not quite sure why you've felt it necessary to pick up my particular response to be honest.

I actually happen to work in a profession that means I have excellent working knowledge of ASD.

A certain percentage of children will meet some loose, non-specific terms like "high needs" or "spirited." A certain percentage of them will inevitably go on to meet some criteria for ASD. I'd guess that those that do are probably also more likely to have parents posting on parenting online forums too.

I don't personally think it's particularly helpful for parents of difficult babies to be sent down the rabbit hole of ASD and thinking about neurodivergence at such an early age. It inevitably becomes a feature of such threads and I think it's a shame because it adds an unnecessary burden to what's already a very difficult situation.

I only had one because it was such damn hard work and it broke me (I'm ok now 9 years on!)

I knew I couldn't cope should it happen again and I couldn't take the risk.

Self preservation in my case!

I don't personally think it's particularly helpful for parents of difficult babies to be sent down the rabbit hole of ASD and thinking about neurodivergence at such an early age. It inevitably becomes a feature of such threads and I think it's a shame because it adds an unnecessary burden to what's already a very difficult situation.

Knowledge is power, IMO 🤷‍♀️

This threads shows pretty conclusively that there is a strong correlation between high needs baby and ND child. So it’s worth having that awareness. If the child grows up and isn’t ND, that’s great.

You only need to look at the multitude of threads on MN - from parents who either didn’t suspect neurodivergence, or did suspect it but didn’t act, and are now trying to navigate parenting a teen in absolute crisis - to realise that it helps to be aware that your child might be ND and to do something about it.

My eldest as impossible. Cried most of the day, didn’t sleep through until 4, food allergies, terrible skin. All naps had to be in their cot, o couldn’t go for meals or coffee as they’d be screaming, I walked miles and miles a day with them. Became a lovely but still hard work toddler and even at year 3 parents evening I remember being told they need to stop crying at school. At the age of about 5 they were still clinging to my legs 24/7, I used to say they would try and get back inside me if they could.

anyway they’re 21 now and since about 8 been a pleasure. Still can be grumpy and short tempered but honestly an absolute delight.

My first was like this. Honestly, if she was conscious, she was crying. I was so tense and stressed the whole time. I couldn't go to baby groups because she'd cry the whole time and I felt so depressed seeing all the other content babies just lying there quietly.
She improved gradually over time. I really enjoyed her as a toddler. Yes she was feisty and had plenty of tantrums but she was also very sweet, loving and good fun.
She grew in to the most adorable child. Everyone told be how wonderful she was. So sweet natured and kind - and always happy!
She's now a moody teenager, but that's another story!
All I can say is hang in there. It gets better.

2 very miserable babies here!!! DS1 grew out of it at 2.5 and has been a delight ever since - literally the easiest child in the world to parent since he learned to talk and he's 11 now - might change my tune when he hits the teens!!

DS2 is 2.5 now and still a work in progress but there's definite improvement from even just months ago! This one will either make the world or break the world and I'm not sure which yet though if pushed I'd edge towards break the world.

Best advice I ever had was to MAKE time for me - even just a quiet brew in costa with a book etc. just a bit of time to decompress and not be mum for an hour.

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your stories. It really makes me feel less alone. I’ve cried reading them and cried driving the car to the supermarket listening to ‘Bad life’ song and the lyrics in that.

I could write an essay on our journey so far but it would be very outing, as it’s a very recognisable story to anyone that knows us.

I can’t remember all the things that were asked but the one about antibiotics I do remember - yes, so far 5 x 10 day courses of antibiotics in 7 months of life and a daily long term one.

Interesting you say that about the antibiotics, we had a similar issue with the constant illnesses. I really would recommend getting a doctor to check it's nothing immediately fixable even if you have to pay privately. Hearing that there's nothing wrong long term and they should grow out of it helps to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Following because I’m struggling with my four month old daughter atm but she’s my first and only child so I don’t know if she’s extra fussy or I just had different expectations.

-Extreme witching hour as a newborn got a bit better at 3 months.
-starts fussing/crying at the end of an hour long wake window.
-needs constant stimulation or she gets bored.
-she used to sleep reliably in the baby carrier — she still does but sometimes wakes up and starts screaming inconsolably until we take her out.
-used to sleep well. Now at 4 month sleep regression she’s waking up every 2 hours. Last night screamed from 2.30.
-I have to cluster feed her a lot to soothe her but recently she’s been doing most eating at night and fussy/distracted during day feeds.
-very loud scream.
-has several very difficult travel experiences with her eg when in the train and plane and she cried continuously.
-only sleeps on us. We’ve been forced to cosleep.

Suspected reflux, maybe colic. She does smile and giggle which is making it easier. Non stop babbles.

Mine does exactly all those things @esgill except night sleep is a bit better.

The loud scream/screeching is also something I’ve noticed in mine and not other babies in classes (don’t bother to go to many now due to mine being the only one kicking off constantly!)

im also a FTM and don’t have any babies in my extended family/friendship group so it’s hard to know if it’s an expectation thing but having been in baby groups and NCT etc, other babies seem to be more serene and laidback.

@brownbutterfrangipanetart our daughter was always a great sleeper so the last week or so (and hopefully last night) have been a bit of an anomaly… she’s lying beside me now sleeping but I have insomnia. She is waking every two hours or so though due to the sleep regression — so are all the babies from my antenatal class — have you got there yet?

Health-wise do you think your baby is okay? I can’t tell if a temperament thing or health issue (colic, silent reflux etc).

My baby was hard very hard because she was very very sick and just like yours nearly died when she was 3 months because she could not hold her food down and was never properly diagnosed so I still to this day don't know what caused it.

But she wanted to be held constantly and at the time it was miserable but I'm so glad I sucked it up and cuddled her constantly because I think she felt really very bad and her Dad and I were the only source of comfort she had from the pain and feeling of hunger she felt.

She started feeling better at 4.5 months when we started her early on solids at her nutritionists recommendations. But she was still a stage 5 clinger. It really didn't get better until she learned to cruise at 10 months and we bought her a Walker and she loved loved loved that thing.

That was also right around the same time she went from 1st percentile to 20th percentile so she finally had the energy to do things again. And that's when I felt much better too. But those long ten months seemed like they would never end but they did! I assure you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please stay strong.

Oh op I could have written your post, my first , now that I have experience, was a nightmare. Lovely but my god was she tough. On my third now and the other two have been a breeze😂 I got all the ‘tips’ on my first and some of them were ridiculous but well meaning and were never going to work because it was the baby and not me(I got the whole ‘baby is sending your stress’ when actually no it was colic and then just being a general bad sleeper ect. People often think they have a miracle solution 😂 it gets better and you sound like you are doing a great job. You probably won’t realise just how great for a few years though(hopefully sooner mind you) always trust your gut too, I can’t believe people tried to tell you that it was your anxiety when your baby was only over being sick! Surely the history would have been a red flag to them!

It does I promise!! My now 2 year old was so unsettled it was a huge shock to me. Pram - no. Carseat - no. Sling - no. Every nap a battle, blackout blinds, white noise. He wouldn't sleep any other way. Screamed in baby groups, often needing to sleep but couldn't due to imperfect conditions. He had reflux and was so miserable until we got that sorted, however he continued to be quite a grumpy and high maintenance baby!! I imagined myself on mat leave in baby groups and in cafes - how wrong I was!!

He's 2 now and the loveliest little boy. As he grew I could see why he seemed to hate being a baby, he's very active and wants to be on the go constantly, I think a lot of it was frustration. As soon as he could walk and talk he was so much happier. So in my experience yes it does get better, hang in there!!

@esgill hopefully the regression will pass for you soon. I’m a bit ahead of you, my baby is nearly 6 months. The big improvement is she will now go in the upright pram (screamed in the bassinet flat pram). Thats made things a lot easier. Medically I’m not sure as she’s gaining weight as expected and meeting milestones but I do wonder if it’s silent reflux.

sleep wise - she seems to be going through a 6 month regression but when she got to 5 months she suddenly slept for 10 hours straight - that lasted a couple of weeks and was so nice, hopefully you get that!

im wondering if starting solids soon and eventually crawling will help things as some prior posters have said that was their turning point

Also had a higher needs baby who was diagnosed with ASD in teens. I was fairly rigid with bedtime routines though and my mum was my childcare so it was managed when she was little and things were very predictable for her.

@brownbutterfrangipanetart our daughter is in the 90th percentile for height and gaining weight well but I still suspect silent reflux. Eating solids is meant to help with that. Looking forward to the upright pram and for her being a little more mobile. Did you get a 4 month sleep regression too? Hope your 6 month regression isn’t too bad…

God this thread is brilliant. I so wish I had read this a year ago.

OP, I was in your position. My daughter would scream all day, and woke every hour of the night even co-sleeping. I avoided leaving the house because she would just scream constantly. She had to be held (in a standing position!) at all times. I thought I was doing it all wrong, an awful mother.

the worst part is that if you have a high needs baby you actually get LESS respite than anyone with a content baby. People don’t want to take the baby for an hour or two if they’re just going to scream, but they love doing it if they get a smiley baby! DD was kicked out of every crèche I sent her to so no chance of a break there either. I can remember watching mums in coffee shops with babies just sitting happily in pushchairs / high chairs and wondering HOW they could possibly do that as it was so impossible for me and DD.

Everyone in my life thought I was the problem. “It’s because you haven’t sleep trained her” “it’s because you’re too soft” “it’s because you haven’t taught her to sit in her pushchair nicely”. It is NOT anything you’re doing.

What helped me:

• DH taking DD from 6-8am so I could get 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep in the morning
• Accepting that your baby is just not like other babies. It’s nothing you’re doing.
• Miss Rachel 😳

If it helps, I think DD was just incredibly frustrated at not being able to do anything. She improved HUGELY from when she could crawl, and from 1 has been so much easier. She’s now 18m and genuinely a delight - laughs often, has conversations with me, shows me things, plays by herself for up to an hour (!). It will pass, and it is not your fault.

@Alwaysinthehouse i still get a little teary eyed when I remember those dark beautiful days. That and the eye twitch when I remember the words "put it in. Put it in. Put it- iiiiiiinnnn." And how I had to glare at my husband so he doesn't make a sex joke in front of the baby. 🤣😅😩 That and now my child refuses to put her pants on unless she's standing in front of my and I sing "baby put your pants on pants on pants on. Baby put your pants on 123." She is potty training down and I had no idea the commitment I was signing up for when I accidentally conditioned her to do this! 🤣

@BraveLight we still also have to sing that for every item of clothing!! To be honest miss Rachel taught me how to speak to / play with my baby! She absolutely loved it when I pretended to be Miss Rachel (and still does!). We call her “the blessed R” in this house 😂

Oh my 2nd was so miserable, he just seemed to cry all the time.
(My 1st had been so easy, I'd thought I was a great mum until I had dc2 and realised how different they all are).

He is 18 today, and a delightful young man 😊.

@Alwaysinthehouse

Oh my goodness yes. I don't think I would be communicating nearly as well with my daughter of it weren't for Rachel. Love her. Though would be lying if I said I was not happy when she moved on to strawberry shortcake. 😆 stuff gets repetitive after a few months! 😮‍💨