Solidarity from anyone who has or had miserable babies

[Matildasfortune]

Anyone that can give me some light at the end of the tunnel, as I can’t see any yet.

8 month old baby who’s been largely miserable from the off.

• mega witching hours as a newborn
• was extremely unwell and nearly died in that time, I was conditioned to think ‘babies cry’ By everyone around me when it turns out there was a serious medical reason for it.
• will only nap at home, come hell or high water there will be no other naps elsewhere.
• We had a holiday from hell with the non napping baby who cried for the whole week at 4 months old
• Is pretty much unbearable when teething, endless moaning. We have 6 already.
• moans pretty much all day in the house
• moans in the car
• moans after 30 mins in the pushchair
• has been unwell (again) and needed medicine which has caused a bottle aversion.
• moans after ten mins of playing
• moans in high chair
• moans in jumperoo

Baby hates all baby groups, doesn’t really engage or smile at all in them so we do none.

Leaving the house is generally not done as it has to be timed with wake windows and I find the driving and being out with a constsnt moaning or crying baby very stressful.

baby used to smile fairly regularly but now hardly at all.

Does it get better? ❤️‍🩹

For people suggesting possible ND ( neurodiversity) That is suggested so often ( could he/she be ND?) would it show that young?

They wont diagnose that young - but questionnaire I did for DD1 was asking questions about her as a baby and then young child. The sensitivity to sound and textures were there as a baby.

Incidentally they also at young ages had food intolerances - which they did grow out but asthma and eczema have been problems.

I think it's more at this stage to keep in back of mind as gets older and starts nursery and school and if OP still has concerns because if they cope even if it's a struggle getting concerns dismissed is very common.

ND is in both our families so it wasn't our parenting - plus DD1 despite all the dire predictions has grown up to be very independent.

I found other parents and upright slings helped a huge amount.

I had a neighbour in her 90s still working p/t - she said she had 5 last one nearly did for her screamed non stop but grew up healthy and hale other 4 had all been easy- and other side in 80s - multiple GC and GGC- always told me all babies are different and some are harder. It was nice they went out their way to tell us that.

Yes! My baby was so challenging and nothing I could do ever settled her. Now she's four we are learning she has significant sensory processing differences and we think she may be autistic. Now we understand her better she's much happier and much more fun (for all of is!) to spend time

My oldest was like this - without the illnesses and hospital admissions.
Hated sleeping. Hated pretty much everything.
Got much better when he could crawl (quite early), and better again once on solids.
Still doesn't sleep. Usually found in the kitchen on a weekend morning making waffles for us all - he's at secondary now. And is generally lovely.

Years ago a mother I know had her fifth baby and was at the end of her tether with the constant crying/miserableness (if that’s a word). She went to the GP who said “stick her at the top of the garden in her prom if you’ve tried everything else. Let her cry to herself”

how things have changed!

My son was like this as a small baby. He did engage with baby clssses so we had that small mercy but he was a purple crier. We went to the doctors and even an "unsettled baby clinic". No one could give us any answers. He just wanted constant attention and stimulation 24/7. I was part of a lovely NCT group so I could see first hand how it wasn't just general "everyone finds first babies hard".

Things improved when he could crawl and cruise along furniture. Being able to go and get the things which he wanted made the world of difference. I'd still say he's more highly strung and intense than many children when he doesn't get his way or when he's bored (he's nearly 2 and a half) but he's also a delight most of the time.

I used to take my grumpy daughter to Mums n Tots four times a week for three years and she used to sit on my lap the whole time, never once played with the toys. Both my son, who was 12 months older, and my oldest daughter were nothing like this, in fact just the opposite!

You are describing my first born. The only slight difference is, after 4 months or so, he was quite happy at baby groups. He liked the stimulation. He was a chronic crier and whinger and was never, ever satisfied. Screamed near solidly for the first 4 months. Nobody believed me that he wouldn’t nap or breastfeed unless he was in a pitch black room with white noise until MIL spent 2 hours pushing a screaming baby round before admitting defeat. That was the main issue with baby groups - it wasn’t that he didn’t like them, it was that they had to be timed to perfection around his naps and feeds.

Like others have said, his babyhood/toddlerhood got better with every developmental milestone.

Hes approaching 5 now. He’s exceptionally bright. Could do pretty complex maths and was trying to teach himself to read prior to school. Could memorise and recite books from 2.5. He’s extremely emotional and difficult to please. He’s possibly neurodiverse - conversations have just started. He’s still very, very high needs and doesn’t have a chill bone in his body. I worry about him exponentially more than his younger brother.

Solidarity. As per my post above, I could have written this word for word about my 4 year old who is also my first born.

Oh god, I remember it well. We used to joke that our second child was never more than five seconds from a whinge, but it wasn’t funny really. It was so difficult. What you say, @Matildasfortune OP about the napping, the teething hell, kicking off in the car or pram, just never happy ever… that was basically my son.

It turns out he was autistic. The link between high needs and autism/other neurodivergence is pretty strong. I don’t mean to scare you. My son is 8 now and so smart. That’s not to say we don’t still have challenges, but the baby and toddler years were the worst by far.

My daughter is also autistic and was high needs in her own way. Less whingey but still VERY difficult to entertain, sleep issues etc.

Such a great post, can relate to every word.
OP I had one exactly like this and two who were also high needs and hard work but not to the same extent. The one that was - autism wasn't a factor here but pain & complications relating to a health issue was. I felt gaslit ALL THE TIME.
But does it get better? Omg yes. Kid is a darling whom everyone loves. Easy, calm, intelligent, sensitive,
but not difficult. I think it will get so much better for you you won't even believe how great it's gonna feel. Toddlerhood will be a piece of piss for you.
Even before then, crawling and walking will bring small positive changes. I hope I'm not wrong but that's my bet.

I’ve had two like this (in your face, people who told me DC 2 would be a dream!) and can relate so much to your OP, and to @leois’s beautiful reply.

Mine are 3.5 and 20 months now and for us the big turning point was talking. As soon as they could express what they wanted/needed it was a lightbulb moment. Admittedly there are still tantrums etc but instead of ‘high pitched wail’ I get ‘more’ or ‘no’ or ‘hat’ (from youngest) and actual assessment from eldest. I’ve said 1000 times, I think my babies just hated being babies!

Good luck my love - it’s not your fault and it’s not your DC’s, it’s just the wonderful luck of the draw! I was desperate to get back to work after ML, wound up on antidepressants etc but they are such little personalities now and we are having more and more laughs each day.

So please let me tell that what you are going through is valid. You're baby IS harder than other people's. You have not caused it. You are doing amazing. The job you are having to do each day is 10 harder than the parents who have the easy breezy babies. This is not your fault.

Oh @leois these are such lovely words. So many mothers need to hear this. I can’t tell you how many years (not months, years) I spent beating myself up over how difficult I found motherhood. I thought it was my fault that I was having such a rough time. I felt like my firstborn was much harder work than other children but everyone breezily reassured me that it was normal. So the problem had to be with me.

It was only when she got her autism diagnosis at 9 that I was able to look back and forgive myself for how much I struggled.

Such a great post @leois i resonate with everything you’ve written.

OP it sounds like you’re sound a great job even more so because of the challenges! Unfortunately some people don’t understand babies aren’t all the same ‘docile, chilling in pram in a coffee shop’ type!!

The people who told you it's normal for your baby to cry did not cause and are not at fault for your baby being ill. You seem to be holding anger towards that and that won't help or change anything. It is normal for them to cry, and it's normal for them to have a bad day. Unless they were HCPs telling you your child is fine when they were visibly unwell, it doesn't sound like gaslighting.

What do you try when baby is being grumpy? Does anything help e.g. change of scenery, entertainment?

All my babies were crying babies. The only thing that stopped them was holding them constantly and not always then. And it had to be me. Noone else would do.

Everyone told me the second one would be easier. He wasn't.

None of them had health issues or autism. Once they could crawl it eased a bit. I think my babies just hated being babies and were frustrated by it.

Don't worry, it should get easier, but it's horrible at the time.

Gosh, this is an emotional read! 10 years on from having a difficult baby and it's the first time I've heard so many similar stories to my own. Probably because us parents that were/are struggling can't get out as much to share their experiences!

My DC cried and cried all night, wouldn't settle, needed to co-sleep etc. They would only sleep if they were holding onto my hair. Cried at doing things, cried when the thing ended, eg, baths, getting into pram etc. Just never happy!

It does get better! And actually, after all we went through in the early days, everything else that's come after has been a relative breeze.

It's so hard when people deny your reality or make light because they haven't experienced what you're going through and it's really common with new mums.
Don't be fobbed off, keep trying. Lean in to your partner and try to support eachother 💐

Mine is 8 now and still has a flair for the dramatics shall we say....

I really feel for you OP 💐i had a baby like this and it is not fun and it is very isolating. My LO had reflux and once a GP told me just to give her a bottle and that would sort the reflux out. My HV told me that babies just cry and that it was normal. Lost count of how many health workers told us that we were new parents and we were just tired. It's absolutely awful the way they treat parents. I actually believed it was because I couldn't cope and didn't realise it wasn't a normal experience until I had my 2nd child. A friend whose second baby had colic actually apologied for not understanding everything I went through with DC1.

It sounds like you really need to get out the house as hard as that sounds, it will do you good. Keep meeting up with friends. Join a mum and toddlers so that you have people to talk to. Its so bloody difficult being the one with screaming baby but it will do you good.

DD mood majorly improved in the toddler years. It will get better. Try hard to seek out people who will support you during this difficult time.

I had one much harder than the others but not to that level and it mainly revolved around sleep and the car.

I do however remember a mum from toddler group. Her first was easy breezy, then the second came along and she became a shell of her former self. He screamed about everything, at all times, literally. There were always people trying to ask how she was, if they could help, suggesting this and that but it made no difference. She actually took it on the chin incredibly gracefully and was an incredibly patient woman, but it was exhausting and dominated her life. Then he hit about 18months/2years (I can't remember exactly) and in the space of a couple of weeks just changed into this bright sunny boy who was full of energy and lots of fun. He stopped screaming at bloody everything and was on the easier end of the toddler spectrum (although very physical, always barrelling around, but a much simpler challenge!). Mum was delighted but had no idea what caused the rapid change other than being able to interact with the world in a less frustrating way once he could run and communicate etc. It was lovely to see his face at last rather than a scrunched red ball!

Obviously I can't say that will be the pattern for your baby, but just wanted to share that as it shows it's not a given that it carries on forever.

My eldest was like this. He had a complete personality change once he started crawling and has been horizontal chilled every since. as long as the WiFi isn't glitchy.
It's a really really tough phase.

Your post sounds like it’s really invalidating the OP’s experience, right down to asking her what she does when the baby is “grumpy” (it’s more than grumpiness, trust me) like the baby’s crying is her fault.

Not helpful.

FWIW, the problem with people telling you that your baby is “normal” when your gut is screaming that it isn’t, is that it prevents you from seeking help. And in the OP’s case, it was a life threatening situation. She is clearly upset by the fact that, had she listened to what she’d been told, her child could have died. So I personally can’t blame her for feeling gaslit.

Totally agree!

I had the baby from hell for two years, then things improved a lot from 2 - 3 and ever since then they've been really good. Those first couple years though were really awful - he was later diagnosed with ASD and dyspraxia at 10.

DD was like this. Personality change at 8ish months. Best 6 year old ever now.

Unfortunately DS is also like this. Nearly broke me. He's nearly 10 months and the last 3 weeks we have seen a huge change now he can crawl and cruise.

Try not to worry about neurodivergence at this stage. Being a baby that is 'too laid back' is also a flag for autism 🤷

DD isn't autistic (as far as I can tell!). DS might be. Who knows. But we finally appear to be at our 'light at the end of the tunnel' and I hope you get there too.

Huge hugs and solidarity. X

Looked after a baby like this. It was the mother's first child and was a nightmare . Screamed nearly all the time , didn't like to be put down. Poor mother was thinking she was a terrible woman who couldn't wait to hand her child off to get some respite. But she absolutely wasn't doing anything wrong , the child was undeniably extra hard , difficult to handle and the screaming was so hard to listen to.
How did I know ? Because I had gone through it . First child , textbook perfect 👌. Second? Didn't like being constrained at all. So that meant screaming in bouncy chair , car seat, buggy , high chair, shopping trolley. Avoided looking at him in case he started . Didn't want to leave the house as screaming was so loud. Very miserable time . But as everyone has said here , it most likely will get better. Give yourself credit for all the things you are doing and being a concerned loving mum.