Received anon complaint letter about my baby crying

[esgill]

My baby is four months old and I can only presume she had colic or reflux, which seems to slowly be getting better, as she cried a lot in the last few months in the evening. However, she sleeps through the night (now 7/8/9 pl through to 7/8 am) and every week we’re noticing she crying a bit less/seeming happier.

we live in a tenement flat and today received an anon letter complaining that our baby’s crying was affecting their “health and work” and saying they were being woken up “several times during the night” and that the sound carries through the stairwell. They acknowledged it’s not our fault but asked if we could soundproof the flat.

i am mortified. We barely survived the newborn stage. Loved it but also had crazy witching hour. But thankfully sleep deprivation was never an issue as we cosleep and our daughter has slept well at night since week 4/5.

I feel all this letter has achieved is making me feel more self conscious about the crying - not able to do anything more than I am doing. I always tend to her needs immediately and never leave her crying.

what would you do? Pin the letter to the door with a response? Or ignore and wait for them to come have a talk with us rather than send an anon complaint?

This is a very selfish response and the reason the world is how it is. Everyone is responsible for doing their bit. I'm sure they have already do things like sleep with ear plugs and white noise etc and this letter is a last resort to see if you, too, are doing all you can.

Buy some earplugs and hang them up on your front door with the anonymous letter and a sign saying 'help yourself'.

How do you stop a colicky newborn crying?

The OP may as well try to stop the sun rising in the East or take a trip to the seaside and hold up the tides.

Perhaps her neighbour might have thought about it a bit more before posting a shitty note through the door. It is extremely cowardly, passive aggressive and absolute guaranteed to upset the recipient.

Perhaps you might think how your words on the screen might affect a new parent. You had time to think about it and actually still typed that screed out. You came to a usually supportive parenting area of Mumsnet to have a go at a young mum asking for help. You are not on Reddit or X, or whichever unsympathetic rock of the internet you usually live under.

The neighbour may be going through a tough time, but one thing is absolutely certain, is that new parents will be going through a tough time.

Your paragraph here:

I'm guessing the OP would rather her neighbours move further out- without any regard for whether that would work for someone who relies on services nearby, works in the area, has their support networks in the area, can't drive and relies on PT, has mobility issues, can afford to move etc etc etc.

And you assume none of this applies to the OP? That's rather telling.

@esgill You've had some helpful advice on here and hope you can disregard the less helpful people.

A baby crying is in no way an equivalent to barking dogs, loud sex or loud music. Do you really not see that?

Ignore the letter and the twats defending it on here. Do not give it a second thought.

Ignore it. The twat who sent the letter should buy some fucking earplugs or soundproof his/her own flat. And the cowardice of sending an anonymous letter - just breathtaking

What I always want to know about people who insist mothers of newborns should somehow stop their babies crying is this: don't you think the number one person who wants to baby to stop crying so she can get some bloody sleep is the mother? Don't you realise she's already trying everything she can? Or do you think she's somehow magically able to ignore the crying and isn't bothered by it and is just happily dozing through it like sleeping beauty?

Ignore

Not the point of the thread but I occasionally use earplugs and set my phone to vibrate when the alarm goes off and sleep with it under my pillow which has never failed me yet if you are ever struggling with noise again.

Ignore it there's nothing you can do and it's your own home, they have exaggerated also by saying they head baby through the night. I'd see if they come and knock and speak to you instead of hiding behind a letter! Clearly haven't had a baby before 🤦🏽‍♀️ x

Thanks to everyone for the supportive responses and validation — agreed the person is totally out of order and that their letter achieved nothing but stressing us further. Since Christmas, thinking about it, her crying has significantly reduced. Yesterday it was just 20 mins at the bed time routine, so they sent it a bit late. Tempted to put a note downstairs but we may just ignore until they come talk with us, if that ever happens, but doubt they will as they clearly realise it’s an unreasonable request.

Also agree with @sprigatito that a lot of posters here seem to be purely posting for the joy of being a contrarian. Shame they have nothing better to do! Go be neighbourly…

Also agree with @sprigatito that a lot of posters here seem to be purely posting for the joy of being a contrarian. Shame they have nothing better to do! Go be neighbourly…

Or maybe people have different opinions and we’re not all here thinking you’re in the right? You posted on a discussion forum. People will discuss the matter and have different opinions….

There's something about baby threads at the moment OP. It isn't just your thread.
There's been a few lately where women with babies have had the boot stuck into them for the "unreasonable" expectations of having their partner be an active father in the newborn weeks and not wanting to jump to a range of unpleasant family dynamics. It seems to be a trend at the moment to tell women with infants that they're bottom of the pile and should get over it.

What I always want to know about people who insist mothers of newborns should somehow stop their babies crying is this: don't you think the number one person who wants to baby to stop crying so she can get some bloody sleep is the mother? Don't you realise she's already trying everything she can?

Except soundproofing.

Ignore..... babies cry. Always have and always will. If they have a problem with it they need to move out or talk to you face to face. Or buy ear plugs 🤷‍♀️

Ignore - babies cry. As a former baby the letter writer should understand that

It’s not great but I think you have to realise you are making other peoples lives a misery

Also, please tell me in what magical land does a detached house cost the same as a flat?

Congratulations @SunRainStorm. You win first prize for not believing anything could possibly be different from your own experience. Try Edinburgh or Glasgow for a start. I mention these specifically as OP said she lived in a tenement. My brother and his partner owned a tenement flat in Glasgow and the price could have covered the cost of a detached house with ease. They chose to live there (and it really was a spectacular 'flat')

I suppose maybe they think you’re sleep training, so could do more to stop the crying, rather than knowing it’s reflux/colic and you are there with her? Perhaps they don’t have children, or perhaps theirs were a bit like mine, who didn’t cry much - although I’d lean towards that they don’t have children, as I always knew I was very lucky he wasn’t a crier; and he hasn’t slept for longer than four hours consecutively and is now two, so it’s a pick your poison type situation 😅

Just ignore it. I’d reframe it in my head and suppose they presumed you were leaving her to cry, mentally note that you’re not, and therefore it’s irrelevant and carry on as you are.

We live in a semi detached house and can still hear next doors baby sometimes; and they’re the detached side. It happens. If you want no noise at all, you soundproof yourself; get earplugs, or live somewhere remote.

I’d look at my room (DC might well still be with you at 4 months?) see if you can do anything obvious like put a rug on the floor to slightly muffle the sound and then write an anonymous letter back saying, ‘I am so sorry if our baby has kept you awake - we’ve done our best to soundproof where we can. If you are woken again, after 10 minutes, do knock quietly on the door and you can pop in for a calming herbal tea and a chance to gently rock baby to sleep! Maybe you are the baby whisperer I have been praying for! If you are awake anyway, I’d love the company as it’s extraordinarily lonely trying to help a baby who’s in pain in the middle of the night.’ It sounds like this person could do with a friend.

I agree the letter must come from someone who is genuinely struggling but we all struggle from noise at times. My neighbour has just died at 95 and she had her radio go on really loudly at 530am every morning! I never said anything even though she wasn’t the one with a young child and trying to work too - she also didn’t complain when darling baby did cry in the night. Her daughter has complained a lot about noise from our house when she has just been visiting - music in middle of day twice and once when I had someone to stay and they spoke on the phone a lot (again during the day). Another indicator that it is time for me to move as I’ve been listening to their pneumatic drills for over a year now!

Excellent point @JumalanTerve Everyone was a baby and cried. And unless they were completely isolated, people had to tolerate their crying too. So now it’s their turn to tolerate babies crying. 😭👶💕🥰

On a side note, I do think standards in construction for housing needs to improve. I get that profit is the main agenda so they want to construct as cheaply as possible. But for the sake of better living conditions it would be great if units and houses were built with better soundproofing in the first place. It would solve much of the social problems of living in close proximity to one another.