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Original poster

He didn't like my daughter

79 replies

Lilaclala · 18/01/2024 15:28

I split up with my ex 6 months ago. He ended things suddenly when we were thinking of buying a house together, as he felt he didn't want to commit long term to my 2 children. I was absolutely blindsided and devastated as it was so sudden. I was very happy with him, and at 38 had never had a relationship where I'd been so in love. Although I'm better now than I was 6 months ago, I still think about him a hell of a lot and pine over what could have been. I feel I should hate him as he said some unpleasant things when he broke up with me, which were really out of character for him, as he always seemed so nice and good with my kids. He said he didn't like my 9 year old daughter and found her rude and unpleasant and said he felt like he would end up wanting to hit her if we lived together. (Again, completely out of character as that wasn't in his nature at all). She can sometimes be a bit of a madam, but then she's a child...so it's normal to some degree. He also said that he would end up resenting and hating me and them. These words still go round and round in my head, even after 6 months, as up until that moment I felt he was the perfect boyfriend and have so many lovely memories with him. How can I get over him and stop obsessively thinking about him. It was out of order for him to say that wasn't it? It was almost like he'd had a personality change

OP posts:
disappearingfish · 18/01/2024 15:31

You've had a lucky escape and your children with thank you for that. You're pining for a fantasy, not the man he actually is.

Janetsmug · 18/01/2024 15:32

Could he have met someone else OP? Very common for them to rewrite history and demonise you/your DC when they want out but don't have the guts to take the blame.

BaleOfHay · 18/01/2024 15:33

Nice men do not say they'd hit a chid. Lucky escape.

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Sasqwatch · 18/01/2024 15:35

He’s abusive OP give your head a serious wobble.

SummerInSun · 18/01/2024 15:35

Better he was honest about it. You see so many threads on here of mothers with new partners who don't get on with their stepchildren, especially as those stepchildren become teenagers and more challenging.

Agree he could have been honest without being mean about your DC though. Maybe in a weird way he was deliberately trying to burn bridges so he wouldn't be tempted to go back or leave open the possibility you'd have him back.

Honeybeebuzz · 18/01/2024 15:36

He did you a favour, if he didnt like your daughter surely you wouldn't want him around her and bringing her up.

Blahblah34 · 18/01/2024 15:37

Stop pining for a man who told you he’d thought clearly quite a lot about being violent to one of your children

MrTiddlesTheCat · 18/01/2024 15:37

My first thought was that he'd met someone else too.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 18/01/2024 15:39

We all have intrusive thoughts at times and it sounds like he unwisely decided to share the very worst ones he'd had about your dd. Your ex sounds like he has insight into his own dark side - not everyone is cut out for step parenting and it sounds like he realised it just in time (although not soon enough to spare you this hurt). Re the obsessive thinking about him, I would just accept these thoughts, they are arising from your emotional state which is still grieving the end of the relationship and in shock/hurt at finding out his thoughts about your kids. Hugs to you- I'm sure you'll meet someone who will be better with your kids.

EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight · 18/01/2024 15:39

He said he didn't like my 9 year old daughter and found her rude and unpleasant and said he felt like he would end up wanting to hit her if we lived together.

Do not pine for this man.

Thank your lucky stars every day that he took off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2024 15:41

Maybe focus on him saying he thought he’d end up assaulting your daughter. If that’s not enough to seriously put you off a man I can’t imagine what is…

Original poster
Lilaclala · 18/01/2024 15:43

I don't think he would have ever hit her. He wasn't the type to ever be violent. I think he was just lashing out emotionally because he had cold feet. But the fact that he even said it just shocked me.

OP posts:
Aphotoaday · 18/01/2024 15:45

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 18/01/2024 15:45

SummerInSun · 18/01/2024 15:35

Better he was honest about it. You see so many threads on here of mothers with new partners who don't get on with their stepchildren, especially as those stepchildren become teenagers and more challenging.

Agree he could have been honest without being mean about your DC though. Maybe in a weird way he was deliberately trying to burn bridges so he wouldn't be tempted to go back or leave open the possibility you'd have him back.

Yes that's what I thought at the time. It was a very painful experience, and still is. It was almost like the man I'd known for 2 years didn't really exist at all.....

OP posts:
EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight · 18/01/2024 15:46

Lilaclala · 18/01/2024 15:43

I don't think he would have ever hit her. He wasn't the type to ever be violent. I think he was just lashing out emotionally because he had cold feet. But the fact that he even said it just shocked me.

well luckily for your daughter she'll now never have to find out. Confused

Marblessolveeverything · 18/01/2024 15:47

@Lilaclala no typical adult talks like that! It's abusive and very low standard for an adult around your children.

I don't particularly like many children due to their attitudes of behaviour I've yet to ever even consider where he went.

Consider yourself very lucky and he was absolutely nowhere near perfect he was obviously barely human to ever express a thought like that.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 18/01/2024 15:55

And also the fact that he said if things got tough with my children he'd 'end up hating me and them '. How can someone say this to someone they supposedly love?

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 18/01/2024 15:59

I'd be looking for your anger.

You can't accept that you are absolutely fucking raging with anger and humiliated by this horrible creep.
He's disrespected you and your children.

I'm furious for you Mrs and I don't even know you!!

If I was you I'd seek therapy with a counsellor who a nice soundproof room where you can scream and punch a few cushions around the place.

Either that or a Boxercise class, because honestly - you need to find the angry aggressive part of you.

HairyQueenofSnots · 18/01/2024 16:00

He didn't love you and (I mean this with the best intentions) you are making excuses for him, maybe so that you do not have to see him for the shit he was.

Nice people do not say those things. 'Lashing out emotionally' is not an excuse for it, because everyone who says them is lashing out emotionally.

It's whether or not you use others as a verbal or physical punching bag to make yourself feel better, that is one of the determining factors in whether or not you are a nice person.

He hurt people (you) so he would feel better himself.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 18/01/2024 18:52

I know I should be angry, but I don't know why I just feel sad instead. He was honestly really kind, funny helpful, romantic etc. He seemed like a genuinely all round nice bloke. But perhaps it was all an act? He did have some bad points which I keep trying to focus on whenever I think of him: he had really bad wind and farted so loudly whenever he was in the toilet, he often had skidmarks in his pants, which he would then show me. He didn't clean his toilet properly and used to dribble wee on the toilet seat. He would also always announce his bowel habits to me...

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 18/01/2024 18:52

He said he didn't like my 9 year old daughter and found her rude and unpleasant and said he felt like he would end up wanting to hit her if we lived together. (Again, completely out of character as that wasn't in his nature at all)

Obviously it IS in his nature. Where is your anger? He's verbally abusive and would admittedly be violent with your child. You should be full of hate towards him not mooning over him like a lovesick teenager.

IncompleteSenten · 18/01/2024 18:54

Keep telling yourself your children had a lucky escape and that's the best thing.

AlwaysGinPlease · 18/01/2024 18:54

Lilaclala · 18/01/2024 18:52

I know I should be angry, but I don't know why I just feel sad instead. He was honestly really kind, funny helpful, romantic etc. He seemed like a genuinely all round nice bloke. But perhaps it was all an act? He did have some bad points which I keep trying to focus on whenever I think of him: he had really bad wind and farted so loudly whenever he was in the toilet, he often had skidmarks in his pants, which he would then show me. He didn't clean his toilet properly and used to dribble wee on the toilet seat. He would also always announce his bowel habits to me...

Jesus. You must have permanently broken toes with a bar that low.

CovidOvid · 18/01/2024 18:57

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SallyWD · 18/01/2024 19:00

disappearingfish · 18/01/2024 15:31

You've had a lucky escape and your children with thank you for that. You're pining for a fantasy, not the man he actually is.

Exactly. It's actually good to read that he left you. We read of so many cases where the new partner is horrible to the kids and the mum stays with him. He did you a favour and you should be grateful that he's gone.

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