He didn't like my daughter

[Lilaclala]

I split up with my ex 6 months ago. He ended things suddenly when we were thinking of buying a house together, as he felt he didn't want to commit long term to my 2 children. I was absolutely blindsided and devastated as it was so sudden. I was very happy with him, and at 38 had never had a relationship where I'd been so in love. Although I'm better now than I was 6 months ago, I still think about him a hell of a lot and pine over what could have been. I feel I should hate him as he said some unpleasant things when he broke up with me, which were really out of character for him, as he always seemed so nice and good with my kids. He said he didn't like my 9 year old daughter and found her rude and unpleasant and said he felt like he would end up wanting to hit her if we lived together. (Again, completely out of character as that wasn't in his nature at all). She can sometimes be a bit of a madam, but then she's a child...so it's normal to some degree. He also said that he would end up resenting and hating me and them. These words still go round and round in my head, even after 6 months, as up until that moment I felt he was the perfect boyfriend and have so many lovely memories with him. How can I get over him and stop obsessively thinking about him. It was out of order for him to say that wasn't it? It was almost like he'd had a personality change

Maybe he sees a massive teenage brat in your future and didn't want to put up with that.

I asked him if we could continue living separately as we were but he said he didn't see the point, as if he couldn't 'commit' then we had no future. I personally think it could have worked as I felt we were happy as we were..

It seems you want a surrogate father for them, why not try and be happy on your own till you work out your issues and lessening the chance your children have to put up with a twat

I think if it's true you pushed him after he said he didn't want to be a stepdad then you can't judge him for what he has said. It sounds like you aren't willing to accept he wasn't happy.

Don't be so quick to move in with random men next time!

Lots of people aren't cut out to be a step-parent.

It's a good thing he recognised that and walked away with honesty (albeit bluntly) rather than pretended and ended up with a horrendous situation of your children (and you) being hated in their own home.

More adults should be that honest and walk away rather than trying to fudge a semi decent living for everyone concerned with a bit of hope that it won't all go horrendously wrong years down the line.

He didn’t have a personality change, he just finally showed you the real person.

No I didn't push him. This is what he said off his own back. And it was him always bringing up the living together scenario, not me, so I believed he was well up for it otherwise I would have never even mentioned it until I thought he was ready.

I think since your kids are so young (ds was 1 when you met) it's best to just focus on them for now.

It sounds like he made his point clear and your kids are better for it.

I'm so sorry that you are this upset 6 months later but your family did have a lucky escape.

I don't think it is that uncommon unfortunately. One family friend married a man knowing that he didn't like her 10 year old daughter. I could never get my head around that. They divorced, but not before her daughter's self esteem was damaged.

In contrast BIL split with his long term girlfriend when she hinted at living together. They had been together 5 years; his DC loved her and her children, but BIL really didn't like her son. Obviously living together would have been the next step. But BIL just couldn't do it so they split up.

Op, your thread went on for months.

At no point did you say he targeted the eldest. You said he didn’t want to live with your kids and he knew he would resent both them and you if he moved in.

Now you say it was one child specifically and he told you he thought he might feel like he wanted to hit her, if she carried on how he was. You also expressed you wanted more of answer from him. You also made out that he was great with the kids and had no issues with them.

So either you left loads of relevant detail out of the last one. And actually tried to frame him as something he wasn’t. Or you went back and pushed for more detail as to what his issue was. Which you said you wanted to do.

I am not berating you. I am simply saying that this is what happens when you push for more detail.

If he really disliked one of your children so much, why would you want to make it work? Even living apart?

It’s good that he was honest about how he felt. He also gave you a clear idea of what he was really like so he’s done you a favour. He doesn’t sound like a nice man.

The toilet stuff should have ended the relationship long ago. Sounds like he did you a favour.

Well, yes. I can’t imagine many women would fancy sex with a man who couldn’t wipe his arse properly, and then showed you.

Yes I left the detail about my daughter out of the last thread, but he did say that when we initially broke up..I didn't push for more detail. I just didn't think it was relevant to mention at the time because it was just about me having kids in general...plus my head was all over the place.
He never said he didn't like her before this...like a previous poster has said, it's almost like he was trying to burn his bridges by being as nasty as possible so he couldn't come back...

@Lilaclala
I remember your threads.

You need to let it go. Concentrate on your kids and yourself.
He was not right for your family.
Maybe he was right for you but not your family.

It is a concern that when he said those awful things about your child that you didn't immediately switch off all loving feelings for him. When my husband of over 27 years together said something unforgivable it was over for me in that moment. I'm surprised his comments didn't have the same effect.

You are better off without him. Someone who pre-warns you he might hit your child doesn't deserve any pining.

So why on earth are you obsessing over him? its weird

Well obviously I am weird then. I don't know what's wrong with me

Did you ask him this after he said he would physical abuse your daughter?

He was honestly really kind, funny helpful, romantic etc. what a thing ti focus on when he threatened your daughter!

You are convinced that he was the one. You won’t let go of the concept that he simply wasn’t happy.

So, you left out of your last thread that he was quite mean about one of your children. You knew he didn’t like one of your children. Intensely. But you knew he had said it. You knew he had terrible hygiene habits. But still thought, and still think, you could have made it work. You just won’t accept it wouldn’t have worked and that you shouldn’t have wanted it to work.

Only you can do that.

How is therapy going? Have you explored why you can’t let it go?

Oh for goodness sake, get a grip.

I get it OP. I’ve finished with people but still had them occupy my thoughts. It just takes time. I think you just need to accept he didn’t want an instant family. Remember, that is the reality.

He told you to your face he could hit your child. I get being lonely and missing having a partner but are you sure you're not remembering your ex through rose tinted glasses?

I think this is fair and balanced. Most people are declaring him abusive, but what he’s actually done is admit how he fears he may behave if in that situation - so is removing himself from it. That’s not the same.