He didn't like my daughter

[Lilaclala]

I split up with my ex 6 months ago. He ended things suddenly when we were thinking of buying a house together, as he felt he didn't want to commit long term to my 2 children. I was absolutely blindsided and devastated as it was so sudden. I was very happy with him, and at 38 had never had a relationship where I'd been so in love. Although I'm better now than I was 6 months ago, I still think about him a hell of a lot and pine over what could have been. I feel I should hate him as he said some unpleasant things when he broke up with me, which were really out of character for him, as he always seemed so nice and good with my kids. He said he didn't like my 9 year old daughter and found her rude and unpleasant and said he felt like he would end up wanting to hit her if we lived together. (Again, completely out of character as that wasn't in his nature at all). She can sometimes be a bit of a madam, but then she's a child...so it's normal to some degree. He also said that he would end up resenting and hating me and them. These words still go round and round in my head, even after 6 months, as up until that moment I felt he was the perfect boyfriend and have so many lovely memories with him. How can I get over him and stop obsessively thinking about him. It was out of order for him to say that wasn't it? It was almost like he'd had a personality change

What do you mean?

And he said your daughter was rude ? This is disgusting.

People think you are a troll making this up .

He didn’t have a personality change, he finally showed you one side of his personality that you hadn’t seen yet.

And it was not out of character because if it was it would not have happened.

The way I deal with heartbreak is focusing on the version of him that broke up with me, not the version that gave me good memories.

When I have the good memories I focus on how nice it felt and realise / believe that I can feel that way again and again somehow somewhere else.

Why on earth would make all of this up?! It's 100% true

Thankyou yes I will try to do that. The whole thing was just so upsetting/confusing though.

Would these traits be enough to completely put anyone off a man?

I think it is just very blunt honesty.

He didn't hit or abuse anyone - but prevented himself from being in a situation where he would have been miserable and resentful. He said he would end up wanting to hit her, not actually hitting her. There is no suggestion he would ever have hit her - he could see himself really disliking her though.

I think he made the right decision. I can see it totally sucks for you, but it was the right decision. It would be awful to live with someone who you really do not like, even if that is a child of someone you love.

I have seen threads on here where women have split up with a man because of his kids. I have also seen threads where a couple don't live together because of kids which belong to only one of them, but they are still an item.

How can I get over him and stop obsessively thinking about him.

How about remembering that he said he would physically abuse your daughter if you progressed in the relationship.

Just you keep focusing on the skid marks though since that's doing a better job of putting you off apparently...

He showed you his shit stained underwear?
Why are you even giving him any headspace ?

I feel sorry for your children that you have such poor judgment.

Just throwing it out there but why has he singled out one of your children for his dislike?

You say that he said she was 'rude' but there must be more to this?

Suggesting he might want to hit your daughter was a bit extreme and obviously completely out of order.

I do think it's better that he was honest before committing to a house together.

You see so many posts on here about women with concerns about moving in with their partner because of the kids behaviour, dad not disciplining properly etc. And the advice is always not to move in.

People tend to tolerate their own children better than other people's kids and see them through rose tinted glasses. You may think that your DDs behaviour is normal for a child and overlook a lot of behaviours other people might see as more than just being a little madam.

He said he would end up wanting to hit her, not actually hitting her. There is no suggestion he would ever have hit her

'were there ever any clues that this man would turn violent?'

'well he said he could see himself wanting to hit my daughter'

but sure, absolutely no suggestion that he might be violent.

Some people...

I thought your comment was a metaphor then I read back. Holy fuck!

I don't have poor judgement. Like I said he seemed like a lovely guy and was good with my kids. That's why I was so shocked when this happened. Of course I would never be with someone who actually abused my children. That goes without saying

2 years is not long enough to buy a house with someone when you already have kids.

Also the shit stains? How did you ever have sex with him? I would have dumped him for that. That's disgusting.

Him wanting to hit your DD is awful. Maybe your DD is rude and obnoxious but we don't hit people because of that.

Think of it this way, the trash took itself out.

He showed you his shit stains... That doesn't scream good judgment.

lucky escape

this is one for your gratitude diary - every day for the rest of your life. Lucky escape, lucky me!

X

Sounds like he has found someone else

1st response nails it.

I don't know. My eldest was just the one he mentioned not liking during the breakup speech. She's not terribly behaved compared to a lot of children but can just be a bit argumentative and attitudey sometimes. He didn't have kids himself and he said he would just resent them if they became difficult because they weren't his. My youngest who is 3 was particularly fond of him and I remember her telling him that she loved him just a few days before it ended, which breaks my heart.

, I still think about him a hell of a lot and pine over what could have been.

If he hadn’t dumped you, you would still be with him wouldn’t you ?

I remember your thread.

To be honest, you didn’t want to let it go. He didn’t tell you that when he ended it. He was honest and said the step parent set up wasn’t for him. But wasn’t rude about your daughter. You refused to believe that someone could love you, but also recognise the relationship wasn’t right for them. Or that being a parent figure to their partners children wasn’t for them.

So you just have pushed for a more detailed answer. You must have expected this as you knew he didn’t want to live with you and the children. Had you have left it there and accepted that he wouldn’t have got more specific.