Playdates - feel like I've let my 8yo down

[Definitelymaybebaby1]

Hi,

My 8 y/o son is shy and for various reasons has struggled to make good friendships in school. He's had a hard time recently with some older kids being horrible to him in school, and I'm trying to do all I can to support him and bolster his self esteem.

I said he could invite a classmate over for tea and a play after school. He's got lots of cool toys, and tends to be much more sociable and relaxed 1:1 rather than at school where he gets very shy, so I thought this might help build up friendships.

He named one boy who he likes, says he is kind and funny. He said they sat next to one another in class and got on well and do an extra curricular club together and get on there. My son says he would choose him to invite ideally but my son says this kid is in the "cool" crowd and has other mates and my son is nervous he would say no, so isn't sure.

Here's my mistake...I told my son how great he is, and that he shouldn't put himself down. I said if he feels a connection with this boy, and they laugh together, then the other boy will feel that too. If course he likes him, why wouldn't he! I push my son gently to put himself out there and invite him. He agrees so I text the mum.

She's replied saying "Sorry X isn't keen to come over, he says they aren't really friends and is surprised Y invited him as they don't really know one another".

I'm so crushed. I actually cried when I read it. I feel the rejection so keenly for him, but I also feel like I've really messed up by bigging my son up to invite him when his natural instincts were correct. I was trying to build up his self esteem and feel like I've done the opposite. I'm going to have to say something to my son as he knows I was going to text the mum. My normal stance is to upfront and honest, but in this instance my instinct is to say his friend is busy/has a club on or something to protect my son's feelings. But if course I have no control over what is said at school.

Advice on how to approach this with my son would be appreciated. 💔

Oh you haven’t let him down. You sound like an amazing mum. My 7 year old struggles to make friends too. I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice to offer but like you I encourage him to take part in activities out of school and arrange play dates with my friends kids (who live in different areas) and range in age from 4-10. I personally would tell him that the other boy is busy and hope he forgets about it.
Sending a virtual hug 🫂 x

Ah thank you fo replying and that's a really kind comment ❤️

I didn’t want to read and run as you sound like such a caring mother. Sorry, no sage advice

I don't have any advice as my son is only a toddler but I really feel for you and your lovely boy. You did the right thing encouraging him to have a friend over and it's a shame the boy's mother didn't encourage her son just to go for an hour or so. However, rejection is sadly a part of life and its a shame he has to feel this so young. But the important thing is he keeps trying, keeps building acquaintances that may become friendships and he will at some point find his tribe I'm sure. Your encouragement will help with that and showing him the importance of trying and putting himself out there to make friends will stand him in good stead for the future.

I would tell a little white lie or avoid bringing up the playdate at all.

Ignorance is bliss.

I feel for you OP. You're doing a great job.

Aw, this is so sad. My kids are older now but remember trying to arrange play dates with my shy son. To be honest, I think the mum was rather blunt in her reply and I would have been upset with her response too. I'd just tell your son his mum says he can't come and maybe ask the teacher if she has noticed any friendships that could be explored with other children and your son. Sending a virtual hug to you both x

For shy kids, it is a common error to try make friends with the popular kids, perpetuates by dumb TV shows that make it look like this works.

A much better strategy is to look for the other shy kids, or to offer to join the weaker team in a game. Those groups are much more likely to welcome an extra person.

Suggest your son should look out to see who else is alone and chat to them. Having a game like TopTrumps to play can be very helpful in making friends too at that age.

ah this is so upsetting, I would also have been crushed.
I think it’s a shame that the other mum didn’t see this as an opportunity to get to know you and your son.

my child is a little younger than yours so I haven’t been there but just an idea - could you not reply and say something like
“thanks for your response. We had hoped that this might be an opportunity for X and my son to get to know each other a little better outside of school as they appear to enjoy the time together at school and extra curricular club. If X changes his mind, let me know”

you’re doing the right thing to encourage your son in this way and I agree with PP about finding opportunities to build relationships in real life based on common interests.

all the best to you and your boy x

You have to be upfront because this boy might mention it at school which would be worse. As pp has said ask if there are any quieter/less popular children he feels might welcome an invite.

This is hard to read and I would've been upset too OP.

Get him involved with extracurricular activities before he gets too self conscious to want to go. Get chatting to all the other parents there yourself and try to help him make friends outside of school too.

Best of luck x

Agree with everyone else- you definitely haven’t let your DS down! You sound like such a kind and lovely mum. Although I don’t feel like the other boy is in any way obligated to go on a play date if he doesn’t want to, I think it’s a shame that the mum didn’t soften her response a bit. Like you, I would have been devastated on my child’s behalf to have received that response. The “surprised your child invited him” line is just unnecessary and adding salt to the wound.

I think parietal’s advice on a change of tactics for making new friendships is excellent.

Sending you a hug!

I think that's a horrible response from the mum. Not necessary. She could have said he's busy or that he isn't keen without being so blunt.

I'm a bit surprised at the mum's comment. Admittedly my two are older now but they used to get invited by friends and randoms.

That's how friendships start surely?

Don’t feel bad! My kids have been invited on play dates with children outside of their ‘group’ and I’ve always accepted as it’s nice to be make new friends.

There will definitely be children in the class
Who would love a play date. Do you have a class WhatsApp group? This is the sort of thing that parents ask on the groups that I’m on, and always get a positive response. If not I’d ask his classroom teacher for ideas for Who to invite home.

What an awful reply! Sounds like she has no people skills at all. Sorry I have no advice but it's clear that you're a great mum

That is an awful reply. You sound lovely.

I'd reply "Ah, that is a relief - I didn't think they seemed that well-matched. DS said he felt like like your DS could use a friend.
"x

I'd have wanted to cry at that text too, OP - but you did well and made a move!

Just want to say, however, though the response was surprising and I'd be downhearted to receive that, I think the mum was being honest and blunt, not exactly rude. It would be kind to suggest 'oh let's try it, you might really get on!' but one on one at someone's house can be intense. Too many times I've read threads on here where the poster is tiptoeing around invites that their child really does not want to accept, and MN usually tells them to answer straight for both sides' sake. I suppose she could have simply said 'sorry, no' but then what - you'd (understandably) assume it was bad timing and invite them again? Or wonder the reason and what you did wrong? Anyway...

I agree with pp to discreetly ask the class teacher for their opinion on who my DC gets on well with.
Does your son have any interests he could join a club for? Shared interests eg doing Lego builds make a good excuse for hanging out.

He said they sat next to one another in class and got on well and do an extra curricular club together and get on there.

Sorry X isn't keen to come over, he says they aren't really friends and is surprised Y invited him as they don't really know one another.

I would have thought sitting together in class and doing an extra curricular together was enough of a basis for a playdate honestly. How else are they supposed to get to know each other?

Just realised you want suggestions on how to break the response to your son.
I'm unsure how your DS normally takes news - whether he has lots of questions and wants to know the ins & outs, or would accept things at face value, so apologize if any of this wouldn't apply:

• There are lots of types of friends. Sometimes we are friends with people we only see at school (or work, if we're adults) even if we don't hang out together anywhere else.
• Sometimes the way we feel about a friend is different to how they feel about us. That's okay, but we want to try to be truthful about how we feel and gentle if we think it may hurt their feelings.
• It does feel sad that X can't come. Let's think of someone else you would like to play with*.

*This is where any teacher input may be useful, you could suggest names.

I hope something works out for your DS, definitely experienced similar before with my own.

Wow. That mum is a piece of work.

Huge hugs.

This kind of thing breaks me.

Your kid will be fine. But it hurts.

Style it out - say he's busy and then don't mention him again. Move on to plan B whatever that is.

Is a piece of work blunt I should have said

Well she sounds like a total an utter bitch. It was so unnecessary and the bit about where they were surprised he invited him, like you are some kind of desperado
My kids were often invited like this and I would always always push them to go. If they were really against it I made up some excuse, would never say no he doesn't want to. People have zero manners, im sure they were change their tune if the shoe was on the other foot
Id start doing loads of playdates. Ask the teacher who else in the class would be keen to make some extra friends and start with those kids
You poor thing

Don't do this, it will make your boy come off bad. I agree with pp about asking the teacher who he is getting on with. You and your son sound lovely

What a horrible and untrue reply this would be. Don’t say this. What the other mum said was perhaps unnecessarily blunt but not untrue and not nasty about your child.

I agree with PP - tell your DS a white lie and move on. Perhaps as a PP said, encourage him to look for other kids who seem a bit shy or on their own.

Is there more than one class in his year and if so, do they get mixed up or do any activities in different groups- this can be a good opportunity/excuse to begin playdates with new people. Does he do activities outside school?

This is an excellent suggestion for a response.