Playdates - feel like I've let my 8yo down

[Definitelymaybebaby1]

Hi,

My 8 y/o son is shy and for various reasons has struggled to make good friendships in school. He's had a hard time recently with some older kids being horrible to him in school, and I'm trying to do all I can to support him and bolster his self esteem.

I said he could invite a classmate over for tea and a play after school. He's got lots of cool toys, and tends to be much more sociable and relaxed 1:1 rather than at school where he gets very shy, so I thought this might help build up friendships.

He named one boy who he likes, says he is kind and funny. He said they sat next to one another in class and got on well and do an extra curricular club together and get on there. My son says he would choose him to invite ideally but my son says this kid is in the "cool" crowd and has other mates and my son is nervous he would say no, so isn't sure.

Here's my mistake...I told my son how great he is, and that he shouldn't put himself down. I said if he feels a connection with this boy, and they laugh together, then the other boy will feel that too. If course he likes him, why wouldn't he! I push my son gently to put himself out there and invite him. He agrees so I text the mum.

She's replied saying "Sorry X isn't keen to come over, he says they aren't really friends and is surprised Y invited him as they don't really know one another".

I'm so crushed. I actually cried when I read it. I feel the rejection so keenly for him, but I also feel like I've really messed up by bigging my son up to invite him when his natural instincts were correct. I was trying to build up his self esteem and feel like I've done the opposite. I'm going to have to say something to my son as he knows I was going to text the mum. My normal stance is to upfront and honest, but in this instance my instinct is to say his friend is busy/has a club on or something to protect my son's feelings. But if course I have no control over what is said at school.

Advice on how to approach this with my son would be appreciated. 💔

Just say the other boy is quite busy at the moment so it's hard to pin a date down right now. Meanwhile, ask the teacher or TA who might be a good bet for a playdate, someone who is on the same wavelength as your DS, or someone who they've noticed your DS works well with in groups etc.

I'd never be so blunt as the other mum. If my DC really didn't want to go on the playdate I'd still thank the parent for the invite and just say it was a really busy time but when things were calmer it would be a nice idea. Or similar. I'd never say no directly.

Please don’t feel bad, you sound like a wonderful caring mum, but I feel crushed for your boy too. I’m sure he’s a wonderful soul. The boy may be like his mum, both sound snooty. To be honest, I can’t really believe she actually sent that text, zero interpersonal skills and tact. Reflects awfully on them.

No advice but you sound like such a caring mum, hope your son finds his tribe soon

Oh OP, you sound like a really lovely mum. Please don’t blame yourself, that was a blunt response from the other mum. I hope your DS has more luck on his next play date. Your son sounds lovely.

Awwww I'm sorry. That must be hard. I think you're a great mum. I would have done exactly the same thing. I do think the mum was unnecessarily blunt!

My sons got invited to a party recently. Neither of them seemed to have a clue who the birthday boy was, but the mum was adamant that her son adored my boys and it would mean the world to him to have them there. Of course we went! We all had a great time! I can't imagine replying something like 'my boys don't have a clue who your son is and I'm surprised he invited them'. That's just mean!

I really like this response:
“thanks for your response. We had hoped that this might be an opportunity for X and my son to get to know each other a little better outside of school as they appear to enjoy the time together at school and extra curricular club. If X changes his mind, let me know”

I don't know how I'd broach it with my son though. I'd probably tell a white lie to be honest, but be vague in case the other kid mentioned it. Like 'the mum said it's not s good time and I said let us know in the future'. Tricky. You and your son sound lovely. I wish you were our friends! 😊

I would say what @candlelog said

Agree that is a horrible reply from the mum. I would have cried too

Judging from the mums response, your son isn't missing out! What an arse.

My child is like yours and I spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about his social life. It's hard. I wish other parents could be more understanding.

Also what I've done is ask the teacher if they knew if my kid was hanging around with any others who might make friends. Also if they could suggest any kids who might hit it off, often they know who likes what kind of this.

Agree with a lot of posters above!
I’d be tempted at some point to have conversations about how friendship starts… how someone generally has to take that step..

mayhe you couod tell him some stories about when you were really nervous to do it and how sometimes it paid off and how sometimes people didn’t take you up on the offer. Maybe try and plant that seed that a ‘rejection’ isn’t as personal as it feels… that some people have fixed friendship groups and don’t like to deviate from that and sone people are more open. Most people in fact.

i suppose it’s a chance to show him how to cope with it not going the way he wants.

i believe you did the right thing, and totally empathise with the pain of feeling your child be rejected. I wouod of cried too.

I also agree that the mothers response was unusual in its harshness.

Wow what a harsh reply.

OP you're doing a grand job OP. You sound kind and caring. Heart goes out to you and all the mums trying to navigate this sort of thing. You are not alone.

I think you should speak to your son and not brush it away. Personally I think @candlelog 's reply is really apt. And disguises the sting.

I would prob say something like 'x mum said thank you for the invite but x isn't ready for a play date yet as he doesn't feel that he know you enough yet. Keep on being your friendly self with x and maybe you can have a play date at another time'.

Then ask his teacher as other poster's have suggested. There might be another shy person looking for a friend in return.

*I would prob say something like 'x mum said thank you for the invite but x isn't ready for a play date yet as he doesn't feel that he know you enough yet. Keep on being your friendly self with x and maybe you can have a play date at another time'.

Then ask his teacher as other poster's have suggested. There might be another shy person looking for a friend in return.*

This is perfect! I echo asking the teacher for a recommendation. There will likely be other kids in a similar boat who want a friend.

I actually think the mum of the boy was rather blunt and harsh actually. If someone texted me like that (my son is 9) I'd encourage my son to go and get to know your son better, as who knows, they could become great friends!

Well the mother is a total bitch! Honestly. Some people!

The other mum had been horrid making it that clear. She should have just declined politely.

Gosh, that made me want to cry so I'm not surprised you did. You absolutely did the right thing.

I would respond to the mum saying "no worries, I know they do x club together and I'm trying to get him to see more people. Thanks for getting back to me".

I would say to your son that he is an excellent judge of character at such a young age and othe boy feels the same that they don't know each other very well yet so isn't quite sure. Sometimes that happens and it's not about you, it's just about the fit of two people. Continue to be how you are and he may ask you. Is there anyone else?

Also, if I may share a personal experience, I was really worried that my DD wasn't getting invited to many parties etc at primary and I'm not from the area or part of any mum clubs so found it difficult to get her an in. Fast forward a few years and she now has an amazing group of friends. It's an awkward time but you sound amazing and perfect to get him through it.

As for the other mum, I can't work out if it's a good thing that she was so open and honest as at least you know where you stand or she has no feelings and empathy.

OP, that was an awful response from this mum. Don't reply and certainly don't look bothered when you see her.

Lots of children actually don't have playdates and that's ok. They still have lots of friends at school. They're 8 and I am not keen on playdates at all because I don't know the parents well enough to feel comfortable leaving my DC at someone's house. I have however been out to the park etc and stayed with my child and I have seen some awful behaviour from other kids which has left my DC feeling awful. Kids stomping off, breaking friends with my DC for no reason at all and the other parent not dealing with the situation etc. No thanks. So with that experience, i don't feel the pressure at all. I wish you all the best

I am sorry your son is struggling. However I think people are reading a tone on the response that may not be there.

I would never be able to be so eh, blunt but it does mean you have an accurate picture of the situation and perhaps your son may be reading things that aren't there, a little?

If the other child doesn't want to play with your son that's fine and in school they are told to play together or work together.

As a mother whose son was the other side it is very tricky. The other child felt they were friends, my son was kind played in school but didn't want to play outside school, he was doing what was expected at school.

Of course I sent the not at the moment messages etc which actually went on a long time when eventually I braved being honest, I felt awful but you can't make children be friends. They were just two very different children with very different personalities likes etc.

You are an amazing mum and haven't failed your child. The text from the parent was uncalled for and incredibly blunt.

My son is very outgoing so doesn’t have any issues making friends but I would have been floored my that Mum’s response…Very mean! I would be very upset having received that reply as I should imagine a lot of parents. Don’t give up; sports clubs etc are very good for the kids to get to know other children (especially if there are others in his school that also attend) and you can get to know other parents too which can help. Sending you hugs, you are definitely not a rubbish parent 🥰

Agree that sometimes honesty is the best policy and the kid shouldn’t be forced to play with anyone BUT there are ways of saying that that aren’t as blunt (Like the way you approached it). And if you wanted to nip it in the bud- maybe say ‘ x is a bit reluctant to go on play dates unless he knows people really well’

I could maybe see my kids being like this about a kid they actively disliked, but I find it weird that an 8 year old would have such delineated friendship groups.

while it’s good to teach kids boundaries and that they can say no, I also think there’s no harm in encouraging them to widen their social circle- or even be inclusive of someone who might be shy.

@Sunshinemorning it is tricky isn't it. My two children are chalk and cheese my ten year old is in a lot of social groups, talks to everyone invited by all to parties and includes everyone. He is very emotionally intelligent.

My eldest at eight didn't get that children were not all the same. That unlike him they didn't just sit down at a table on day 1 of school and have a lovely bunch of friends like he did. Really academic very little patience for anyone not into the same things and had defined friendship groups. Oh and he was horrendously blunt, thankfully he grew out of it, or the parenting worked.

He would have been the child saying no I don't want to go and pointed out if he went it was a form of lying because he didn't want to be friends 🤦‍♀️

@Definitelymaybebaby1 he will find his tribe but I would be tempered in encouraging the friendship as it may be the other child isn't interested but is following the school rules, include everyone etc. hopefully the school can encourage some like-minded children to come together.

This pushes the responsibility to "make friends" on to the other child though. At that age they clearly know who their friends are, and whilst hurtful, it can't be helped that the other child doesn't feel the same way or wish to develop a friendship

OP this is one of the hardest aspects of parenting and my now 15 ds is exactly how you describe yours. In truth, he was y8 before he found his "tribe" and he's really happy with a lovely bunch of friends now despite those shy younger years. I found it was best just to step back and allow him the space to find friends rather than me construct friendships for him.
It's super hard to sit back and see, especially when the party invites aren't forthcoming but I promise it does get better x