Playdates - feel like I've let my 8yo down

[Definitelymaybebaby1]

Hi,

My 8 y/o son is shy and for various reasons has struggled to make good friendships in school. He's had a hard time recently with some older kids being horrible to him in school, and I'm trying to do all I can to support him and bolster his self esteem.

I said he could invite a classmate over for tea and a play after school. He's got lots of cool toys, and tends to be much more sociable and relaxed 1:1 rather than at school where he gets very shy, so I thought this might help build up friendships.

He named one boy who he likes, says he is kind and funny. He said they sat next to one another in class and got on well and do an extra curricular club together and get on there. My son says he would choose him to invite ideally but my son says this kid is in the "cool" crowd and has other mates and my son is nervous he would say no, so isn't sure.

Here's my mistake...I told my son how great he is, and that he shouldn't put himself down. I said if he feels a connection with this boy, and they laugh together, then the other boy will feel that too. If course he likes him, why wouldn't he! I push my son gently to put himself out there and invite him. He agrees so I text the mum.

She's replied saying "Sorry X isn't keen to come over, he says they aren't really friends and is surprised Y invited him as they don't really know one another".

I'm so crushed. I actually cried when I read it. I feel the rejection so keenly for him, but I also feel like I've really messed up by bigging my son up to invite him when his natural instincts were correct. I was trying to build up his self esteem and feel like I've done the opposite. I'm going to have to say something to my son as he knows I was going to text the mum. My normal stance is to upfront and honest, but in this instance my instinct is to say his friend is busy/has a club on or something to protect my son's feelings. But if course I have no control over what is said at school.

Advice on how to approach this with my son would be appreciated. 💔

The other mum may have been trying to be tactful. Even if the other boy is a cool kid he may be shy going to playdates. My daughter wasn't shy and had enough friends at school, she just never wanted to go to parties.

I'd say that we were already going to her grandmother's that day ... then hide all afternoon which suited daughter fine!

@minipie Haha. It was tongue in cheek tbh!

You need to tell him, if the mum is that upfront then her kid will be too. I’d say that he doesn’t feel ready for a play date at the moment, you could always say maybe he’s a bit shy too. Your son will know but he needs to hear the buffered truth.
If you see the mum, be breezy and look not bothered at all.

OP I would say that getting a reply like that is truly horrible and hopefully rare! Most people in my experience have been lovely and keen to have a chat and a coffee when invited for a play date, even when they weren’t that close with my child and she was a shy one too.

You haven't let your son down. My dd went through some friendship difficulties when she moved school and it was tricky.

I would prob say something like 'x mum said thank you for the invite but x isn't ready for a play date yet as he doesn't feel that he know you enough yet. Keep on being your friendly self with x and maybe you can have a play date at another time'.

You sound like a fab mum, I would tell a little white lie tbh, seems fairly mean of the other kids mum not to have done the same

I agree with this

There was no need for that comment. What is wrong with people. You sound like an amazing mum!

I don't think you've failed your son at all - I think the other mum has poor social communication skills and picked the most unfriendly way to turn down an invite. She could have just as easily said "I appreciate the offer but we have too many playdates and I'm not letting him expand things with new friends!" or something.

My son (9) has had a few unexpected playdate invites, but he is generally keen to go anyway so I think it was totally reasonable for you to ask. Saying that, I did once suggest to a school mum that her son and mine could meet at the park to play, and she thought for a minute then said "Eh, no. I don't think so." Which has been awkward ever since as they continue to be good friends . I still think "Fuck it, may as well ask. If they say no? On to the next"

Wow, I'm genuinely shocked at the other mum's reply. So so rude and unnecessary. Heartbreaking.

Really rude response from the mum- sounds like she really lacks emotional intelligence!!

You sound like a great mum- I’d do the same just say friend is busy & shrug it off. Keep a relaxed attitude about this so ds doesn’t pick up on your stress as this will make him feel like it’s a bad thing he’s shy & hasn’t got loads of mates. Reassure him its ok to be quiet and not in the “popular “ group. I gobsmacked that stuff exists at 8 to be honest I thought that was more high school!
Are there any clubs he’d go to specifically that will either build his confidence such as acting? Or a club with like minded children with similar interests? Something at weekend maybe?

"Sorry X isn't keen to come over, he says they aren't really friends and is surprised Y invited him as they don't really know one another".

Wow. That is something else. I get what people are saying about wanting to shut it down, but there are so many kinder ways to have done it.

“Thanks so much for thinking of us. Life is really busy with extra-curricula activities at the moment, I’ll let you know if things free up!”

Would just as easily have sent the ‘no, and don’t try again in a week’s time’ message.

You haven’t let your son down, OP. I would probably tell your DS a white lie, along the lines of the better reply the Mum should have sent that I provided above.

Just tell your DS that they’re really busy after school, and will let us know if that changes. Then say breezily, let’s not hold our breath waiting for that, and think about who else might like to come! And as a pp suggested, think about some children outside the cool group.

Dont let your DS see that you’re bothered by it - be excited about the prospect of inviting a different friend, and he’ll move on quickly from it, too.

You are a lovely and caring mum to make your son feel good about himself above all else.

In telling him, I'd not make a big deal.. just be matter of fact. There will be other friends x

I agree. What a nasty way to reply.

The reply from the other mum is harsh. If I have ever had an invite my child wasnt keen on going to, I would just say that they were busy or we were not able to commit due to hobbies etc. I think the issue is her delivery not your child or your attempts to arrange a playdate

Speak to the teacher to ask who he hangs out with, and approach parents. Also I am a little shocked by the parents response if my similar age DD said they don't hang out I would suggest meeting up with a few others to go park or bowling, wouldn't do a all out no. So I think/hope you just got unlucky.

The text says everything about the MOTHER and certainly not your little son. What a truly unforgivably rude message! I would be staggered to read that message, and wouldn’t reply or extrapolate that this was in any way my child’s fault.

I would ask the form tutor to help with this delicately. I have heard this has worked well for other children in similar positions.

Really develop his confidence outside of school, and encourage new friendships.

They could be just a mean bunch - cool can translate to exactly that.

Tell your son you will schedule the play date in the future as it’s a little busy at the moment and perhaps organise a small party/group for a weekend activity. Don’t invite the child mentioned but maybe a few others that are not part of the cool gang. Liaise with the teacher for help.

I would have been crushed too. You sound like a fantastic mum. This mum clearly doesn’t have any tact, idiot. My daughter has been invited to playdates when she hasn’t wanted to go and I’ve just made a ‘too busy’, maybe some other time’ excuse to be kind!!

I do think you need to tell him, I’d probably be very casual and breezy and say ‘he wasn’t keen this time, no big deal who else would like to come over’.

You have not let him down and the response from the mum was unnecessarily harsh. I'm not surprised you cried. So sorry.

I have a ds who sounds just like your son, and finds friendships hard to navigate, and a dd who is verrry popular and gets invited to play dates all the time, often by kids she isn't friendly with. I would NEVER reply to an invite like that mum did, that's just mean.

Usually I just say yes to all invites, it's so lovely to be invited, and dd has a brilliant time, and gets to know different people!

That kid is really missing out, not getting to hang out with your lovely DS, and his cool toys. I really hope your ds is not too upset by the response, and that he finds his tribe soon. My ds is older now and has a lovely (small) group of friends. Sorry you've been so upset, massive sympathy from me, really feel for you both with this one

I thought that too … it seems an odd thing for an 8 year old to say too. They tend not to be cliquey at that age. Sorry OP - sounds like an odd parent!

I don’t think my DCs gave that much thought to play dates. They both had friends they’d talk about, but they’d gladly go on a play date with anyone from their class.

I was always happy to widen their circle as much as possible.

I would have accepted if you’d messaged me, OP, so keep doing what you’re doing.

in fact - maybe try to get to know other parents and see if you can arrange a play date that way?

Other mum is a tactless cow so I'd be pleased that friendship is not on the cards. Ask the teacher who they think your son gels with. Keep trying now and again.

It's not a great response from the other mum and there are much kinder responses she could have sent. Like people say, it's a bit odd - unless there's a huge personality clash (which doesn't sound the case here), most kids that age are fairly easy-going and just like going to other people's houses.

In your shoes, I'd reply something like "My mistake - DS told me they sit next to each other in class and do X activity together. No worries". And then don't let this deter you from focusing on other friendships.

I think you did the right thing - your son said suggested him.
His mother is however a plonker how incredibly rude.
Now just trust your instincts and tell him unfort the boy is too busy. They are 7 information gets mucked up between children.
What I do recommend for this situation is to build up his friendships out of school because it means that school is not his whole world.

That other mum is awful! Why would she not enable her son to come over and make an effort? That's such a weird reply on her part. You've done nothing wrong.