Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out?

[Pshop55]

So this is for parents only! I want to know if you feel that people without children are missing out on a big experience/feelings/joy & ‘don’t know what they are missing’ and be honest! No one is judging just want honest answers as we have been talking about this tonight, obviously everyone’s answers are just their own opinion before anyone gets offended!!

I absolutely 100% do feel that people without children have missed out.

I have two daughters less than two years apart in age, both in their late 20s, and they're just fucking brilliant. They have been the most amazing thing in mine and DH's life.

We've had the most wonderful life with them - from babies to toddlers to infants to juniors to teenagers - (a couple of years a bit challenging there but not too bad, and that's it!) Then college and uni- and then their 20s. One is married, one still to go. (Spring 2025.) Both settled down now. Both got their own home. Both got well paid successful careers. They're wonderful, funny, intelligent, beautiful young women and they're just perfect. I could not imagine my life without my wonderful daughters in it.

To be honest with you, I actually do really feel people are missing out if they haven't got children. I would never say this in real life of course, because it's not allowed. Though it seems to be acceptable for childfree people to have an opinion on children - and mothers. (Always negative of course.)

I have never - at any point in nearly 30 years of being a mother - EVER envied child free people. I was childfree myself til I was in my early 30s, so I do know what it's like! I enjoyed my childfree years, and I have enjoyed the nearly 30 years of being a mother. Yeah it was fine being child free, but I would not have wanted to remain childfree.

Shockingly me and DH were able to do virtually the same things with children, as we did without, despite the bizarre and laughable attitude that your life is over when you have kids, and you can't do anything, have no freedom, can't have hobbies, can't have decent holidays etc etc. Ridiculous! You can do virtually anything and everything when you have children!

And don't anybody be coming at me for any of this - because it's my opinion -and my experiences - and it's all as valid as anyone else's. This is my only post on this thread.

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Yes. I think it's what we as animals are designed to do and when we do all the meaninglessness of life vanishes.

That is personal to you though. My life didn't feel meaningless before I had DD.

Lifestyle benefits of not having children is ultimately pretty empty in the grand scheme of things. I lived that life for many years.

So did I. My life didn't feel empty.

I was ambivalent about having DC and when it didn't happen I didn't feel like I was missing out. Then I had DD at 41. I missed my old pre DC life so much when she was a baby.

I think those that say something along the lines of “My children have made me a better person” or “Something was missing until I had them” are the types of people that before having children would have felt some level of “emptiness” whether conscious or unconscious. So on that note, if they hadn’t had children, they probably would have gone through their lives “missing out” on something that they would have never known (unless deep inside they had the desire to have children).

Yes, there are people with amazing lives on the outside that are childfree, that suddenly feel a new sense of purpose after having children. I know a few successful business owners and people that travel the world that have children and they don’t stop; they find a new sense of purpose - which connects some kind of “puzzle”. Some enjoy taking their children on travels. Or they suddenly feel that they are working towards a future - because it no longer ends with you - there is another generation you feel responsible for.

However the reality is there are some people whose lives completely go off track after they have children or people who end up regretting the children or realising that they were never maternal at all. Which must be hard.

Yes it’s true - There is nothing like the purpose that comes with parenting. However not everyone knows how to direct that into something positive. In the same way a life changing condition or circumstance can give you a new drive (e.g. starting a charity or campaigning for a cause) or completely derail your life (numbing feelings with substances or depression/mental health deterioration).

Truth is, no matter your life circumstance, if you can approach it with some level of gratitude and see it as your mission or purpose, you will never feel as if you are “missing out”

No.

I miss my weekends.

And I really miss intact mental health. Severe PND has minced mine, in ways that affect me daily and will for years, damaging my career prospects, relationships, and enjoyment of life.

I love my two babies so much. My toddler is so much fun, and just gets better and more fun to spend time with every week.

But it’s a gamble.

Well obviously, but only in the same way that parents are unable to experience living a life without children .
Using the term "missed out" implies they got the short straw though.

If it is a decision then it is either that thing, or not that thing.
Personally I can say for me that had I not had children I would have missed out, because I believe having children to be the best of the two options. I can't say whether someone other than me has "missed out" unless I know their feelings.

@FreshWinterMorning I am childless by circumstance rather than by choice. Your post about the women in their 50s and 60s who are widowed or divorced and now all alone just made me cry because that is what I will face if anything happens to my partner. You are lucky your life has turned out as it has. I feel ill with anxiety most days at the thought of what lies ahead for me.

Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics, said ''if you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.”
Men benefited from marriage because they “calmed down”, he said. “You take less risks, you earn more money at work, and you live a little longer. She, on the other hand, has to put up with that, and dies sooner than if she never married. The healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children,”

@Strawberriesandpears if you read the last paragraph of @theprincessthepea post, it may give you some solace.

Do you have other family around you? Nieces, nephews, Godchildren? Any other community groups you participate in e.g a Church?

Anyone I know who is childless (a few of my aunts and a few ladies from Church) are still well supported by wider family/the wider Church community. My parents next door neighbour is in her 90s, was an only child and has no children or any family at all. My parents and the other neighbours look after her.

You still have time to build connections.

I think the title is fairy clear tbf

@Dacadactyl Thank you for your kind reassurance. I am an only child (as is my partner). That is actually one of the (difficult) reasons I don't feel I can have children. I can't give them a wider family and would feel selfish bringing a child into a lonely set up just to make myself less lonely. Plus I am older now (nearly 37).

Joining a church is definitely something I am considering. I am not really religious, but do believe in the principles of the church. I feel I am a moral person, if that makes sense. I would also like to find other forms of community (perhaps through volunteering) but I just worry that I will always be on the outside of society without family. I don't know though - maybe I am viewing my situation too pessimistically.

Errrrr, no!!! HTH

Of course it's still possible to have a happy and fulfilling life without kids, but the love I have for my kids is truly unconditional and therefore unlike anything else so essentially I was missing out on that feeling before I became a mum. There is absolutely nothing like it.

However with an indescribable amount of love also comes a lot stress and worry! There is no 'perfect, easy' life. I adore being a mum but it's really hard and when my youngest was a baby I nearly had a mental health crisis because of how challenging life was with a baby who never slept.

@Strawberriesandpears I think you are looking at it pessimistically, but you may still be on a journey of acceptance, so this is understandable at the minute.

If you isolate yourself away and feel "on the fringes" then you will feel cut off from society. I'd advise you to get out there and try new things, new groups and new hobbies. Meet new people to grow your connections and focus on what you can do with your life. There will be plenty you have to offer, you just have to find out what it is!

Best of luck to you x

@Dacadactyl Thank you. You are very kind and thoughtful to take the time to reply to me.

I think I am definitely on a journey of acceptance at the moment, and hope to come out of the other side. Otherwise I can't continue to live with the level of anxiety it is causing me. And I do want to be happy - there are things that bring me joy in life (or at least used to until I entered my current phase). These include music and art, which I am sure I could join groups around and build connections.

Yes. I cannot imagine a love comparable

No, I don't think someone who doesn't want children is missing out on things by not having children.
Fair play to them for not having something they don't want just because society tells them they should want it.

Some days I really miss my child free life, usually when I'm particularly sleep deprived! But for the most part I love being a mother, the cuddles, the fun and knowing you are so loved by a little person. I also feel in the future someone without children will miss out on having adult children visit and grandchildren and that family like when retired

Some people have children who wreck their lives. So no I’m not sure the child free are missing much, having children is a lottery.

Good question. Personally I always wanted them and find them delightful, but I don't pity my child-free friends either.

No, not at all. Whilst being a parent can be an absolute joy it can equally be a poisoned chalice. Often it ties you to people that suck all the joy out of your life eg inlaws and exs. With no children you would be able to make a clean break.

Yes

Our DC are 16 and 18.

We struggle for money and leisure activities are limited, but i dont miss life without children, never have.

Don't begrudge that people without children can do more fabulous things.

My children are bloody amazing and everyday waking up as their mother is golden.

No. I think it is rather presumptuous of me to make such judgements about other people’s lives so I don’t do it.

No. I don’t think having a child changed my life.
Just now you have to do everything, plus you have a kid.
I think there’s huge romanticism about having a family.
Before, some women had children. Some women did not.
I don’t mention men, as they don’t experience pressure.
Having a baby wasn’t always the milestone it is now.

Yes I do but I'd never say that to anyone child free.

❤️