Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out?

[Pshop55]

So this is for parents only! I want to know if you feel that people without children are missing out on a big experience/feelings/joy & ‘don’t know what they are missing’ and be honest! No one is judging just want honest answers as we have been talking about this tonight, obviously everyone’s answers are just their own opinion before anyone gets offended!!

yes i do.
it is not a subject that i raise with childless people

If someone choses not to have children then no, there are so many other things to fulfil your life. If I didn’t have children I would travel non-stop, work as little as possible to keep up the travel funds, and spend my days reading in a hammock on the beach, after having had an incredible couple of scuba dives! (Basically my life before having a child!)

I love having my child, and definitely want another soon, and the love I have for him is insane and nothing I’ve felt before. I wouldn’t change that for the world. But it’s also demanding and tiring and definitely not for everyone.

Absolutely not. I actually think having children is so over rated.

They are having the same discussion on the Child Free Board, and I almost want to go over there to avoid the smuggery of certain posters on here! Except I can't.

I don't regret my DC. But it has been much harder than I expected, and challenges that I never foresaw have arised. The pandemic and climate change, for one. Mental health issues, for another. If you have found having children completely easy and without any challenges, you must be rare. MN wouldn't exist if it were easy.

I have managed to travel with them, because I have been lucky to have disposable income. But not everyone is that lucky.

i think of childless people i know and they unlike me have worked full time all their lives, so will have a better pension pot!

Interestingly, all of my child free friends have stayed happily married to their first husband. None of them have split up.

I'm talking about 40+ years of marriage BTW.

Arisen not arised! Need more coffee. I am not usually so inarticulate.

I’ve found that since my children have grown up and me and DH go on holidays together again or with the dogs it’s a lot less stressful.

I think that childfree people will never understand what it is like to be a parent. I say this because everyone feels like they can add their 2 cents and opinion.

@theprincessthepea Personally I’ve found that my child free friends give a more balanced and impartial perspective. For me the most difficult thing about having children is other parents.

In a way, yes, I feel they're missing out on all the joy, love, fun and adventure but they're also missing out on all the stress, sleeplessness, frustration and worry.

It's not the same as thinking everyone should have kids.

I feel sorry for women who feel thay are missing out by not having children. Wanting something that so many others find easy to do must be very difficult.

You are supposed to say, 'oh no - they definitely aren't missing out, look at all the wonderful things you can do in life without kids, and the holidays and the lie ins' and then carry on like having children is an onerous burden. Yep. That's the script.

Meanwhile, life with children is an amazing adventure, filled with all the best bits in life that I wouldn't hand over for all the riches in the world.

Meanwhile, life with children is an amazing adventure, filled with all the best bits in life that I wouldn't hand over for all the riches in the world.

And some pretty shitty experiences that I wouldn't want to go through again - like nearly losing DD at 9 weeks, horrific bullying at school resulting in self harming, bordeline anorexia and awful anxiety.

We are out the other side now, but let's not be painting parenthood as always being a bed of roses. I love DD to bits, but in our case the good and the bad have been pretty equal.

I guess it must also depend on the 'outcome' of raising your DC, if like a PP your DC end up in good careers, have successful relationships, provide lovely DGC etc etc it must be a very different feeling to ending up with a DC living on the streets, in and out of drug rehab with their sibling in prison for violent crime ... as has happened to a friend of mine - her experience of being a mother has been life shattering ... and it can't always be down to poor parenting.

I also think @Ragwort that parents with young children do not know of the hell that might await them in the teen or YA years! I was all very smug when my DC were young and doing fantastically at everything, Then the pandemic hit.

Good point @Sususudio. I suspect that most of the posters on this thread eulogising parenthood have primary or younger aged DC. They haven't experienced teenagers, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS, relationship issues, bullying friendship issues etc yet.

I have a teen doing A-Levels, a teen doing GCSEs and a child in primary.

It depends on the person. My DH and I each have a brother who has no children. I feel my brother is missing out because I know he'd love children of his own and he's incredibly popular with all his nieces and nephews because he loves them, plays with them and remembers their special days.

My DH's brother, I don't think so. He couldn't be bothered saying hello to the kids and it's not really clear whether he even remembers their names so I wouldn't say he's missing out.

I did want kids and it is incredible for me. I would have missed out if kids hadn't come into my life. But everyone has their own path.

I think there is definitely a tendency to lean towards rose tinting parenthood because that’s human nature. Do I want to focus on when DS had a life threatening illness and nearly died? Do I want to talk about how I didn’t think I’d live to see them grow up? Do I want to talk about how failing exams made stuff really hard for both DC?

Do I fuck.

I want to focus on the good stuff because that’s what life is about. Thousands upon thousands of those precious tiny moments when your heart soars that makes all the shit worth it, and then some.

They are having the same discussion on the Child Free Board, and I almost want to go over there to avoid the smuggery of certain posters on here! Except I can't.

You’re kidding. They use that board to bang on at how smug they are most weeks. I mean fair play but the second parents say the opposite they are outraged.

@Pshop55 Maybe others have said this, but I don't think you can 'miss' something you haven't experienced. So, in that sense, being childfree by choice isn't a case of missing out, it's just a different life - no better or worse, imo. Also, no two people experience parenthood in the same way. It's much harder for some due to a unique combo of personality, genes, health status, personal history and circumstance, than it is for others.

Now that I've had a child, in a thankfully fortunate set of circumstances (planned pregnancy, healthy birth, stable, loving and equal relationship with DD's dad who is a genuine 50/50 parent), I can say that it is undoubtedly the most powerful and profound experience of my life, different to any love I have previously known, and there is no way I could live without it. As a result parenthood has given me more joy, purpose, and satisfaction that anything I previously experienced as a childfree person, but it has also made me far, far more vulnerable. The stakes of my life have changed wildly. But, had I never had a child out of choice, I wouldn't be any the wiser. So, like I said, no better or worse off. Just different. Of course, if a person wants a child and can't have one for any reason, then yes, of course it is entirely valid for them to feel they are missing out and I would have to agree.

Ds is turning 20 in a few days and the teen years have been my favourite period by a long way, although I do obviously have nostalgia for how sweet he was when little. But I think he was born ready to get on with growing up, he never went in much for cuddles or cuteness.

The childfree by choice people I know don't need people to lie in order to make them feel better because they don't feel badly about their choices in the first place.

Evidence of the reality of being a parent is right there every single day of their lives for childfree people to see....all the good, all the bad, all the massive love and benefits and all the huge sacrifices it takes. They've made their decisions based on this and don't need the lies of others to validate their choices.

Strange that those who lie feel the need to do so.

Well...the bogeyman is always around the corner, isn't it?

It starts with how hard pregnancy will be, how childbirth will wreck your body, how difficult newborns are and how you won't get any sleep and how everyone struggles with the terrible twos.

Then when you find that pregnancy, childbirth, newborns and toddlers are all manageable, the narrative turns to "but wait until you have teenagers!"

It’s different for everyone though. I found 1-5 the hardest and despite some real shit that we were dealt during the teen years, they have been by far and away the best.