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Original poster

Ex left us for BPD minor

103 replies

Itsthelittlethingz · 05/01/2024 19:35

Hi

I posted a while back regarding my ex (31) leaving us for a minor.

She has now turned 16 and her mum has consented the relationship and he lives in her family home.

The girl has BPD borderline personality disorder and adds me on fake social media accounts constantly. She sends the most unhinged messages. Under his name and various fake names. The last message I received was 'help me please'
I informed the police as it was so bizarre it's like a split personality but they said she denied it and 'is safe and well'

Apparently she has tried to kill herself two times, controls the relationship and has a short temper.

He won't leave as he loves her and 'everyone always leaves her'

I just can't get my head around him doing everything a 16 yo tells him to do but he hasn't even sent my children a bday card in the past 8 months. He has more compassion for her than he does my children.

She told him he can't see the children as it will remind him of me.

This girl hates me and everyone from his past (his mum says)

It's making me question my worth what is wrong with me. My children cry for him everyday and feel it's their fault
For some reason it still hurts me and I need to heal. I often randomly cry.

You know in Alice and wonderland and she falls down a hole of weird abnormal things that's how I feel.

I can't believe this situation I am so hurt. I haven't spoken to him once since he disappeared to be with the girl. I have no one to talk to due to the shame.

I also can't help feel like how can he get away with all the pain he's caused but he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 06/01/2024 13:34

spacefungus · 06/01/2024 13:22

Would now be a good time to make sure he cannot see the children in future?

He is a massive safeguarding risk so perhaps this is a prime time to get a solicitor to get papers in order in case he decides to resume contact when the current relationship inevitably breaks down.

Presumably he is known to social services if they have been involved with his child girlfriend?

I wouldn't allow contact after this, both the abandonment and a sexual interest in minor.
Is unforgivable and a risk I would never take.

SS have been involved to tell her about his past conviction. But that it.
He 'hasn't done anything illegal' so there is nothing they can do. He's moved into her mums house. Madness.

Police said they are under safeguarding whatever that means.

OP posts:
spacefungus · 06/01/2024 16:50

If they're under safeguarding that presumably means social work are involved, which is good information for you to have.

Good luck x

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 11/01/2024 07:50

BalletBob · 06/01/2024 13:06

Cognitive dissonance is definitely right. I think in time this will lift and you'll just see it for what it is. I don't think, unless someone has been in a very similar situation, they could really understand what it's like to be confronted with information about someone you think you've known inside out for 20 years that just blows their entire character out of the water.

He hasn't just accidentally fallen in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. This is a child. He shouldn't be capable of those sorts of feelings towards a child because he's an adult. The fact that she's a child and that she's extremely vulnerable (owing both to her mental illness and to her neglectful mother and also - by the sounds of it - her absent father) are things that make her who she currently is. He hasn't fallen in love with her in spite of those things. He's attracted to them specifically. He's attracted to the fact that she is a child. He's attracted to her vulnerability. That makes him without any shadow of a doubt, a predator. Even if he didn't go out in search of a child to have sex with, the fact that he was presented with the opportunity and he readily took it, makes him a predator. Lots of predators will leave their families to pursue their victims. It's not really the nicest topic to spend time googling but if you did, you'd find countless stories of sex offenders doing exactly that.

And to top it off, you're having to fight through CMS to get him to pay for the children he has fathered. Unbelievable.

I think, RE his mother, if you think she is a positive influence on your kids and they benefit from the relationship with her, I'd possibly be prepared to give it one singular chance. With extremely strict ground rules in place. No unsupervised contact, so as to be completely sure she isn't facilitating contact between the kids and her son. No discussion of her son or anything relating to him or the wider situation whatsoever. If she did not stick to those rules, I'd stop contact completely.

Thank you so much for your advice! and you were right it was all his choice after his mum saying the girl was controlling and he is not allowed in his children's lives she sent me this text yesterday -

he’s told me to tell you he’s not controlled by anyone and never has been. he dosent want to see the kids because of your hatred towards him and how toxic the relationship is between you both, your often telling him kids would be better off without him and there’s too much hate now to sort it out and it’s gone on for years on and off.

His ability to gaslight and blame shift has made me so glad he has gone!

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