Ex left us for BPD minor

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi

I posted a while back regarding my ex (31) leaving us for a minor.

She has now turned 16 and her mum has consented the relationship and he lives in her family home.

The girl has BPD borderline personality disorder and adds me on fake social media accounts constantly. She sends the most unhinged messages. Under his name and various fake names. The last message I received was 'help me please'
I informed the police as it was so bizarre it's like a split personality but they said she denied it and 'is safe and well'

Apparently she has tried to kill herself two times, controls the relationship and has a short temper.

He won't leave as he loves her and 'everyone always leaves her'

I just can't get my head around him doing everything a 16 yo tells him to do but he hasn't even sent my children a bday card in the past 8 months. He has more compassion for her than he does my children.

She told him he can't see the children as it will remind him of me.

This girl hates me and everyone from his past (his mum says)

It's making me question my worth what is wrong with me. My children cry for him everyday and feel it's their fault
For some reason it still hurts me and I need to heal. I often randomly cry.

You know in Alice and wonderland and she falls down a hole of weird abnormal things that's how I feel.

I can't believe this situation I am so hurt. I haven't spoken to him once since he disappeared to be with the girl. I have no one to talk to due to the shame.

I also can't help feel like how can he get away with all the pain he's caused but he is.

Gah, you’re right- and I knew that- I think I was just thinking about the fact she is now over the age of consent, I phrased it wrongly. She isn’t an adult until -18 😔

This is such a disturbing situation, I can imagine you feel like you don't know which way is up at the moment. And you have the responsibility of seeing your children through something that's hard for you to comprehend. It's tough.

As others have said, none of this is any reflection on you. Something is wrong with your ex to pursue a child, the child has severe mental health issues and a parent who is facilitating a totally inappropriate relationship. It's, as they say, complicated.

I know services are streched but have you thought about asking your GP for some counselling sessions, CBT or such? It would give you a space to openly discuss everything and might help you with the closure you seek. You do need to move on for your own and your children's good but I think some help would be useful with that. You'll do it though, you're stronger than you know.

It's not virtue signalling , mental health campaigners have fought for years for the age of a BPD diagnosis to be raised for years. I am assume you are unaware of the damage caused by mis diagnosis to thousands of teenagers almost all girls and the vast majority autistic. Also it's ableist. That aside the op has apologised and I have responded to her privately.

Well said @BalletBob !

So he is a nonce? I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my kids if I were you. I’m sorry this has happened it all sounds very upsetting, big hugs.

Putting the blame onto a mentally unwell little girl is not the answer here. This man has found his way into her life and likely knew she had BPD before becoming serious with her. He has victimised someone who is most certainly vulnerable and that is sick.

BPD is living hell for the person with it. This girl is having a horrendous time and most of the things she does will be defence mechanisms to prevent anyone from leaving.

He won’t put his kids above her but guarantee he will leave her for another child if given the chance. Your best option would be to take yourself offline/private all your social media. I know it’s unfair OP but you need To protect yourself and your kids.

Again sending you love op this is awful.

Bless you OP, there is nothing wrong with you.

There is an awful lot wrong with your ex and I would go "scorch the earth" no cilontact with all his friends and family and concentrate on your lovely children.

Try to ignore - it might be like whack-a-mole with the fake accounts, or you could cone off social media altogether (or use a false name and let genuine friends know.)

What I wouldn't do is let him diminish you and your children. He doesn't see your worth? Well more fool him!! You carry on alone without the prick and live a happier life.

Absofuckinglutely

It show how little the police and courts actually give a shit about women that this is something they are happy to ignore.

her mother also needs serious intervention. Shockingly inadequate parenting.

I think the fact that if your business relies on sm that's probably a factor in his shitty plan, trying to destroy your success. Arse.

Thanks guys I'm looking forward to what's ahead and being present with 'normal' people rather than being in this Alice and wonderland rabbit hole that makes me lose touch with reality.

I have never known a mother to allow a grown man in her house with her child. It's like borderline r*pe or exploitation.
I would have always assumed it would be the 'Jeremy Kyle' type but her mum seems the organic, hiking, well educated type (I understand that is shallow ) but I guess it makes you feel crazy for finding it wrong.

I have been through something vaguely similar. My advice to you is to forget that idiot and start getting yourself together for your children. You are all they need and you cannot allow him around them now he is a child molester (and that is what he is even if it is hard to process). You now need to be the strong, stable adult in their life. It's hard, you will wobble at times but you need to be that person. Get counselling, grab all the support you can from wherever you can and rebuild your life.

@Itsthelittlethingz What do his parents think of it all?

Thank you! I will do this

I'm not surprised you sound so low, lovely. My ex left me for an 18yo altho no psych issues (for her at least 🙄) Can only echo to either lock down your social media or some off it. Focus on yourself and your gorgeous children who need you to be strong for them, but I also hope you have a good friend or parent who is strong for you. It won't seem like it right now but you are better off without

Make as much space between you and them as you possibly can while he's not interested in seeing the kids.
Remember if he changes his mind and wants to have them they will be in that house with them all.

Hi mum says she's heartbroken for the kids.

He isn't 'allowed' to see his mum either.
He is completely isolated from all his family - it's strange.

She doesn't hold her son accountable much.

I find his mum blames the girl a lot and her MH issues.

Today I told his mum - he mustn't be mentally ok either to be dealing with a mentally ill child? She agreed.

She's never says he has mental health problems. She's lovely to the kids

Successful nonces don't sppear to be nonces. Your ex may be playing at being another Humbert Humbert.

Steer a very wide berth. It's all going to come crashing gown in balls of fire. You NEED to get proper legal advice and if the messages come block them as they appear but get them logged. Ask for as much support as you can get and keep a diary so you can prove everything. You need to get this man as far from your children as you can.

We're behind you 💐

It's awful isn't it. Are they not embarrassed? Thank you I just hope we will come out on top. I have so many good days now, but other days I cry - it's more the abandonment the children feel it physically hurts my heart. But I know we will be ok. Sorry I just needed to talk today xx

Oh OP :(

Maybe discuss with her about a plan of action that includes her? She sounds like although she’s not fully holding him accountable that she is starting to recognise how messed up this is. It’s great your children still have access to Nan on that side. She might also start to realise just how messed up this is when she sees the impact on the kids.

Obviously you’re gonna want to seek legal action so you can get financial help from him along with full custody and maybe a restraining order? I’m unsure how it all works but there has to be a way to ensure they will both be kept away from your kids.

As I said earlier I really do feel for that little girl too. He is a monster. He’s affected many people’s lives - but not ruined lives OP. I just know you can go on to have a better life with your children in the future x

They both sound absolutely nuts. You would be doing your children a huge favour by getting him out their life completely. Tbh, the fact he is a paedophile you should be running for the hills to protect your kids anyway.

Never in a million years would I let them around this kid either who knows what she could do to them?

Get custody, get therapy, get away from them all.

Should you not notify social services for the potential future risk to your own children?

If he's started a relationship with a 15 year old, then surely they should be made aware in advance in case he does want to re-kindle a relationship with your shared children?

This isn't a relationship op. He is her groomer and abuser. Her behaviour is disturbing but that's because she's unwell and vulnerable.

Start seeing him firmly as the perpetrator here and make sure he stays away from your children.

I'm not sure why but he has been interviewed by the police multiple times even stopped at the airport for potential child grooming... In his defence he doesn't come across as the creepy type, more introverted gentle type. I find it hard to believe he is a predator myself. I think he loves her or why would do all this for her. He lives with her... She goes to school. He goes to work.

You are deeply in denial, OP.

Please try and access some specialist support. Have a look at stopso.org.uk/stopso-support-for-families/

I am not in denial. Why did the police, social services and her mum not do anything? They are the ones who allowed and continue to allow it.

Does he at least pay child support OP?

Also I’m confused - she sends you messages and then denies it to the police, but surely they can trace the IP address? I’d look into a restraining order.

I am not in denial. Why did the police, social services and her mum not do anything? They are the ones who allowed and continue to allow it.

Appallingly, the police, SS and parents have often let very vulnerable children down in cases of grooming and sexual abuse. You must know that.

This situation must be hideous for you, but your words I quoted in my previous post are categorically denial. If you can't see the situation for what it is then I can't see how you can do your best in helping your children through this. His actions are indefensible. Please get some help with how to help your children.

For example trying to explain projection to a child that young is unlikely to make much sense to her. Margot Sutherland has written some very good books explaining difficult feelings and situations in an age appropriate way for children:

www.routledge.com/Helping-Children-with-Feelings/book-series/SMHCWF