Ex left us for BPD minor

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi

I posted a while back regarding my ex (31) leaving us for a minor.

She has now turned 16 and her mum has consented the relationship and he lives in her family home.

The girl has BPD borderline personality disorder and adds me on fake social media accounts constantly. She sends the most unhinged messages. Under his name and various fake names. The last message I received was 'help me please'
I informed the police as it was so bizarre it's like a split personality but they said she denied it and 'is safe and well'

Apparently she has tried to kill herself two times, controls the relationship and has a short temper.

He won't leave as he loves her and 'everyone always leaves her'

I just can't get my head around him doing everything a 16 yo tells him to do but he hasn't even sent my children a bday card in the past 8 months. He has more compassion for her than he does my children.

She told him he can't see the children as it will remind him of me.

This girl hates me and everyone from his past (his mum says)

It's making me question my worth what is wrong with me. My children cry for him everyday and feel it's their fault
For some reason it still hurts me and I need to heal. I often randomly cry.

You know in Alice and wonderland and she falls down a hole of weird abnormal things that's how I feel.

I can't believe this situation I am so hurt. I haven't spoken to him once since he disappeared to be with the girl. I have no one to talk to due to the shame.

I also can't help feel like how can he get away with all the pain he's caused but he is.

Or partial denial, OP.

You're accepting some of it, but it is so appalling that your brain is trying to protect you by telling you that he has done all this because "loves her". He may feel love for her, of some sort, he is still a groomer and child sex abuser.

You find it hard to see him as a predator, but he absolutely is one. He couldn't be in his current situation without being a predator,

We can give her a pass. Any help or sympathy to add?

OP you have got to stop worrying about your ex and the young teen and why her mum allows it as it really doesn’t matter.
You concentrate on yourself and your children to heal from the split, they have you and that’s enough. You get your finances sorted and get counselling to help you.
He wasn’t the person you thought he was, he is a nonce, he is the one who chose to leave his family and not to see the children. It’s no good blaming the young girl as it’s your ex who hurt you all, his mother will blame everyone but her son but it’s him who has hurt his family

Where on earth does a 31 year old man even meet a 15/16 year old child? Did he groom her on the internet? That poor girl

So sorry you're going through this too OP, you and the kids are better off without this scum

When I was 14 I was in a "relationship" with a 28yo man who had kids and I'm ashamed to say I did alot of the same things she is doing now. My mother was also happy to have him in the same house and bed as me, your husband is a groomer probably living in peter pan land, you're much better off without him. I would try my hardest if I was you to not let him see the kids, these men are pedophiles and his mother even though she's lovely to your kids sounds batshit to be talking to him at all when he's living with someone so young and I'd be uncomfortable with her too.
You had a lucky escape even though it doesn't feel like it, it's just unfortunate you're lumbered with him at all.

I’d never trust him around the children again, he wouldn’t even get to say hello, because he’s a danger to children so doesn’t really matter that she won’t let him see them.

Seek counselling for yourself and consider a restraining order against her, forget them OP. Better things to come.

I do understand she's a child and the behaviour is to be expected it's more the 'please help me' and pretending to be him 'let me see my children' that I find odd. I'm sorry that happened to you. Why did your mum allow it if you don't mind me asking. I hope you're ok now I understand what you mean about his mum I am wary of her, if there is a time to play devils advocate this isn't it!

Thank you all for your advice.
They met online. She lives in the Lake District where he would often go hiking. She was 15 and people were not allowed contact with her (for some strange reason) They would have came within radius of eachother. Good luck to them anyway I won't be allowing him around the children. He has asked his mum to tell the children he is working away and has no phone. He doesn't want to upset his GF. It's best he has gone

I didn’t read your previous op, but it sounds horrible. I echo others, he’s a predator and your better off without him, same with your children.

This reminds me of when I was at school, a girl in my year we were 4th & 5th year at the time, she had a 30+ boyfriend. She had MH issues, depression, eating disorders and was the victim of bullying. Her mother encouraged the relationship. He would take her to and from school, it was so creepy. I don’t know if her mother was groomed too but she let it all happen. They eventually broke up, the girl was lovely in this case, but was lonely and vulnerable. Her mother ended up marrying a 19yo when we were 17yo she was over 40yo so I think there was seriously wrong with her too.

What ever you do, protect yourself and children, get counselling for all of you so you all know you’re not at fault and you can eventually move forward from this and healthy relationships going forward.

Make sure you watch your back, right now this girl is doing everything online, but she could change and come at you face on, be prepared if that happens.

Also do not let his family put pressure on you in the future. Right now they may be on your side, but he will get in their good books again at some point, don’t let that influence your boundaries.

I would stop talking to his mum about him. If you want to keep contact for the children with their gran then fair enough as they’ve had enough loss, but for your own sanity you need to stop discussing the situation with her. She’s his mother and as such will have her loyalties torn; I’m fairly sure you don’t stop loving your child even if he’s a paedophile and groomer.

As tough as it sounds, you need to move on. New year, new you. What you’ve gone through is absolutely horrendous but you can’t let it define yours and your children's lives. Is the situation going to change by you thinking and stressing about it? No. Can you change your life for the better? Absolutely.

Thank you and I 100% want to and will move on. But the feelings of hurt and abandonment are so painful. He hasn't said one word to me to give us closure not even a Christmas present. All to protect her feelings because she is so insecure. I've kept my pride and held the children's dignity the whole time but I'm only human and it's extremely hurtful it brings me to tears. Especially at the thought of how he does anything to make her feel secure. She hates us so much. I always pray and ask what we did to deserve this brutal situation and pray things will work out for the best for my children.

Thank you and I 100% want to and will move on. But the feelings of hurt and abandonment are so painful. He hasn't said one word to me to give us closure not even a Christmas present. All to protect her feelings because she is so insecure. I've kept my pride and held the children's dignity the whole time but I'm only human and it's extremely hurtful it brings me to tears. Especially at the thought of how he does anything to make her feel secure. She hates us so much. I always pray and ask what we did to deserve this brutal situation and pray things will work out for the best for my children.

You haven't done anything to deserve this but you do need to start finding your anger. He's a fucking paedophile who has abandoned you and your DC to go and live with a child!

Sadly you are never going to understand why or get the closure that you want but you do need to protect yourself and your DC.

I agree with the posts saying to seek counselling, it sounds as though you need someone who is separate from the situation to talk to.

And you need to start telling people why he's not with you. You found out he's a Paedophile who was in a sexual relationship with a 15 year old and you've changed the locks (or I'm hoping that you have).

The shame is all his, none of it is your fault.

You assume wrong. If only you knew my personal family history. Your remarks are laughable. I simply have enough emotional intelligence to know that coming onto a thread where the OP is extremely distressed and banging this drum is very wrong. There are lots and lots of ways to address the stigma around BPD, and kicking someone who is obviously struggling is not one of them. It's virtue signalling and it's inappropriate. If you really want to create change, this isn't the way to achieve that. This is just about picking on someone vulnerable so everyone can see how good you are, fighting for the cause 🙄

He has asked his mum to tell the children he is working away and has no phone

Is his mum going along with this? I think in your shoes, if she was passing on messages or colluding with him in any way with a view to minimising his behaviour or deceiving the kids, I'd cut contact completely. It would be sad for your children but ultimately they need to be protected from dangerous influences and if she can't or won't condemn his behaviour entirely, she can't be trusted with the children's safety.

I'm so sorry for you OP. This is a horrendous situation to find yourself in. Things will get better for you and your children.

I feel his mum describes the girls as angry and extremely controlling to the point that he is being blackmailed maybe.

I find she doesn't really talk on his point of view and actions. Other than - ' he says he can't come back cause it will remind him of his past' with tears in her eyes

I have thought of cutting her off just cause I am not sure if it confuses the kids more - why is nanny here but daddy has gone

It will all go tits up with him. They’ll split up, of course. And she’ll go to the police, either because she’ll see how clearly she’s been groomed and how wrong it is, or simply because she’ll do it out of spite once he’s an ex. He probably knows that as well, that if they split up he’ll be arrested. Either way, he’ll deserve it and you’ll thank your lucky stars that you’re not involved with him.

@Itsthelittlethingz where people are saying you’re in denial and blaming the girl it’s things like this;

He hasn't said one word to me to give us closure not even a Christmas present. All to protect her feelings because she is so insecure

No he hasn’t done these things because he didn’t want to. Every time you say he has done something you always follow it with a reason about her. He is the monster who’s done this to all of you. If he wanted to send a gift on Xmas with or without her knowing he would’ve. You are excusing his behaviour and placing blame on to her exactly like his mum is. I think you’ve been conditioned to give him excuses.

Please do not tell the kids he is working away. Don’t allow him a nice excuse so he can return at any point. They will find out at some point, it’s better to work with Camhs/SS/the school to give a neutral explanation so they can get their head around things. Daddy isn’t a hero out working away to provide for them at all.

I think keeping Nan involved and also on your side is important so the kids have stability. It’s not fair to cut out the Nan as she’s done nothing wrong. Imagine her son has left and won’t talk to her then you take away the grandchildren too?

My heart breaks for you OP, I don’t know how your relationship was prior but the fact that you make these excuses for him speaks massively. You sound like a fab mum, you just need support to move on. Can I ask why SS didn’t get involved? Also if the girl is at school could you not contact them? I’m sure there would be safeguarding issues at play here.

I know on paper it sounds that he is a predator. However cause I know him, It's difficult for me to see him as intentionally preying on the girl. I do believe he has fallen deeply in love with the girl and will do anything to keep her. Even abandoning his family. What predator abandons their family... usually they hide it.

Regardless of how I think etc I KNOW he can not have access to our children. I would be an unfit mum if I did.

Her school, SS and the police cant do anything as based on their lies - he hasn't broke the law and mum consents. The police just say it's morally wrong.

But he did intentionally groom a little girl. Predators do abandon their families. He is protected from all sides as everyone thinks he’s some nice guy who got caught up with the wrong woman. Not a pedo who groomed a 15 year old.

I do believe he has fallen deeply in love with the girl and will do anything to keep her.

But how does a 31 year-old arrive at the point of ‘falling in love’ with a child? Most adults would simply not be able to see a 15 year-old in a romantic/sexual light (even more so if they have children of their own). And if they did find they were developing feelings for a child, I would think most adults would be pretty alarmed at themselves and go out of their way to avoid the person.

i dont think you'll ever understand op as its not normal-you have to just move on and bu8ild a new life

are you getting any maintenance from him

This isn’t a dig, more a reality check but how would you feel if, in 5-10 years time a married paedo was creeping round your little girl? Would you be excusing it as some great love? Would you be making excuses for him and telling yourself it was fine because your daughter encouraged him?

No, of course you wouldn’t, you’d go bloody insane so channel that anger against the man who did this to someone else’s little girl.

I know it's wrong. I think i have cognitive dissonance of two conflicting beliefs. It's hard to explain.
I have nieces similar ages who still fight with their young siblings I look at them and baffled how he could even hold a conversation with a child let alone sexual feelings ekkkkk...

Surprisingly he has voluntarily paid £100 maintenance the last 2 months. The most he has paid in a long time. He doesn't like paying as he believes I don't need it and 'the kids are rich'
I'm trying to sort it with cms.

I really appreciate speaking to you all, it's much easier to see things for what they are when you're not in the situation.
Thank you so much for your advice and reassurance. I was very emotional yesterday and don't feel able to speak to anyone. Today I feel stronger, I know we will be ok I have given my children a well rounded life and I'm proud of that.
We will continue to keep our heads up and live as healthy lives as possible.

Cognitive dissonance is definitely right. I think in time this will lift and you'll just see it for what it is. I don't think, unless someone has been in a very similar situation, they could really understand what it's like to be confronted with information about someone you think you've known inside out for 20 years that just blows their entire character out of the water.

He hasn't just accidentally fallen in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. This is a child. He shouldn't be capable of those sorts of feelings towards a child because he's an adult. The fact that she's a child and that she's extremely vulnerable (owing both to her mental illness and to her neglectful mother and also - by the sounds of it - her absent father) are things that make her who she currently is. He hasn't fallen in love with her in spite of those things. He's attracted to them specifically. He's attracted to the fact that she is a child. He's attracted to her vulnerability. That makes him without any shadow of a doubt, a predator. Even if he didn't go out in search of a child to have sex with, the fact that he was presented with the opportunity and he readily took it, makes him a predator. Lots of predators will leave their families to pursue their victims. It's not really the nicest topic to spend time googling but if you did, you'd find countless stories of sex offenders doing exactly that.

And to top it off, you're having to fight through CMS to get him to pay for the children he has fathered. Unbelievable.

I think, RE his mother, if you think she is a positive influence on your kids and they benefit from the relationship with her, I'd possibly be prepared to give it one singular chance. With extremely strict ground rules in place. No unsupervised contact, so as to be completely sure she isn't facilitating contact between the kids and her son. No discussion of her son or anything relating to him or the wider situation whatsoever. If she did not stick to those rules, I'd stop contact completely.

Would now be a good time to make sure he cannot see the children in future?

He is a massive safeguarding risk so perhaps this is a prime time to get a solicitor to get papers in order in case he decides to resume contact when the current relationship inevitably breaks down.

Presumably he is known to social services if they have been involved with his child girlfriend?