Talk me through how you'd manage this behaviour incident (3yo)

[oasiswon]

Interested to know (without judgements please) how other parents would deal with the following scenario, step by step.

3.5yo, no specific needs.

In a shop which sells books, and a few toys. Choosing a present for his relative. Sees toys and asks for one. "Can I have that?". Parent's response along the lines of "not today but perhaps you could add that to your list for Santa!" Child repeats asking for numerous toys, parents repeats similar responses, tries to distract them, and then child loses their shit. Screaming, crying till purple. Shouting and screaming "I want a toy" and thrashing about. Absolutely inconsolable and incredibly distressed.

What would you have done differently and what would you do next?

I would have warned before I went in that it wasn't a day to buy toys but you would take a photo of three toys to put in the letter to Santa. Then I would talk about the lovely biscuit that you would get from the bakers/ have in a tub in your bag that they would get for good behaviour in the shop. Go in and out as quickly as possible reminding them of lovely biscuit for good behaviour. Left if it looked like a tantrum was imminent.

I second the picture thing- lets take a picture of it so we can show Santa. Once the tantrum is so progressed though I'd just remove them from the show and take them outside and calm them down.with cuddles and chat.

Just say they belong to the shop and not for sale or take photos for memories.

I used to have this issue in charity shops, child wanted everything so once I said "oh no, that's tatty/broken/rubbish we don't want that...." Then along comes the shop assistant to ask which item I'm on about.... 🙄

I wouldn’t take them to pick a present to be honest. They are too small. If you really want their opinion give them two picture options. A shop full is just too much.

Sometimes you do everything "right" and have covered all the suggestions by PPs but the child still kicks off and loses their shit.

We cannot be mind readers and anticipate every little thing that has built up for the child and caused them not to cope as they might have done on a different day. Even a young child without SEN will have difficult days and it will remain a mystery to us that their last straw was their twisted sock/feeling too hot in their coat/ starting to come down with a bug/ etc etc.

Or it might just be one of those days. Pick them up and take them out of the shop immediately. Talk about it later when they've calmed down and have a stiff drink/packet of biscuits/long bath when they're in bed. Console yourself that everyone is doing fine the vast majority of the time.

Saying not today isn't No to a 3 year old. You need to be very clear.

I wouldn’t necessarily do anything differently initially. You can’t preempt every situation. If I was really switched on I might warn him that we are going somewhere that there will be lots of nice things we can’t buy today.

I’d then let the tantrum happen, preferably moving them out of the shop or at least out the way of other shoppers.

3 year olds tantrum. They can’t help it. They aren’t developed enough to process disappointment like we do. Id tell them it’s okay to have big feelings about disappointment.

However, under no circumstances would I buy the toy to make the tantrum stop. The learning point is tantrums don’t change the outcome.

I have a child the same age and I am avoiding any shops with toys while she's with me right now (even Tesco 🙃). If I absolutely have to, then I'd be having a conversation with her beforehand to explain that we're not buying anything for her right now. Once in the situation, the "we can add it to your list - but remember you won't get everything" or taking a photo of them with it etc is worth a shot. After that, just leave, as calmly as you can.

There's no magic bullet unfortunately!

And this too!

I dont see what went wrong really. Possibly adding to a christmas list is a bit abstract and unclear to a 3 year old but hi hum who is perfect..

Children have tantrums. Its a developmental stage about handling big emotions. I know some have very few, but its not a sign of things gone wrong. Its not like an asd meltdown where you need to change the environment.

Its what you do about the tantrum that matters. If you then go and buy the toy to shut them up, then you teach them screaming gets what you want. If you just wait for them to finish Or pick them up and remove them. Give them a hug and label the emotion like you were dissapointed and angry there werent you. And get on with doing something else asap.

I would explain that we don’t get what we want by screaming and shouting and we can’t buy new things every time we’re in a shop/new place. Take them by the hand and walk away.

I wouldn't have taken them in the first place unless I really had to.
I would have said a clear 'no' to the first request. And the second. And the third - but 2 straight no's, with no discussion was usually enough.
Tantrum, ignore behaviour and remove from the shop.

My usual line for my 3 year old is ‘there not for us’ when she asks for stuff. Usually works on her.
but sometimes, as she’s 3, it doesn’t. And she descends into chaos. I usually just wait it out and offer a cuddle, sometimes I carry her like a raging octopus, legs flailing, out the shop.

*they’re

Agree that nothing really went wrong. If I brought a 3 year old into a shop filled with shiny new toys I think it would be a miracle if a tantrum didn't happen! It's too much to expect a very young child to make a choice when faced with an overwhelming amount of stuff. Once the tantrum looked like it was starting I would have carried them outside.

I worked in a sweet shop as a student and saw this time and time again. Parents would bring little children in and expect them to be able to make a quick and sensible choice. Even then as a non parent I could see that the situation could only ever end in tears. It's not age appropriate to expect that from a child of 3.

We used to take ds to toy shops as an outing just to look at the toys. That way he's used to going and also used to not getting anything.

I would have left them at home
If that wasn't possible I would have gone and been prepared to buy them something for a couple of pound.
Before going in I would have prepped them that I need their help to pick a pretend if they were very good they could get a treat in the car or at the end of the trip.
If they started to ask I would say their presents have already been sent to Santa and if they continue to be good a little longer then would get a treat.
For my 3yo it would be a bit unrealistic to expect them to go into a toy shop without coming away with something for themselves but I would buy something ideally around the £3 mark if not under £5. Alternatively she would have a little bit of chocolate in the car afterwards. We have a set of 10 pretty butterfly clips which we keep for occasions like this. She gets one a time and is thrilled with them.

Thanks everyone. Interesting to read the differing responses.

It was one of those occasions where I got myself into a pickle and didn't manage it as best I could really. But I'm trying to learn from it and not beat myself up! I removed him from the shop but his tears and upset escalated more. Outside in the street I tried to calm him down but he was off the scale. I said the toys he had been pointing at were too big / big presents that he might be getting from Santa. He then pointed out that one of those toys was in fact only small (a little torch). And I couldn't argue disagree with his logic! So I ended up going back into the shop once he was calm and getting him the torch. I know!! 🙈

I am aware this was a poor response and only served to teach him that tantrums will result in what he wants. I think by then things had got out of hand and I felt very discombobulated and all over the place inside, though I was calm towards him.

Afterwards when we were back home and he was calm I spoke to him and said that I knew he had a hard time looking at all those toys and said (mainly to myself) that I think we wait until he's a bit older before going present shopping!

If it were me as soon as he started kicking off I would've marched him out. Those saying dont take a 3 year old to buy presents are BU because its a normal part of life and they have to learn to cope with these things. No means no. I wouldve just said no pennies sorry santa brings your presents.

<mutters> probably bought it

I had this with my eldest once about a magazine, had to remove her from the shop screaming and crying and then try and wrestle her into a car seat. I don't think they can regulate at that age so it doesn't matter what you do really and they always surprise you don't they! I've had a woman in a shop asking me if I was okay before as my youngest was screaming so badly 😂

All Of this!
Tantrums are going to happen. You do learn how to avoid them, but some will
Still happen and It's
How you manage them and help them through them that counts. It's good for their development.

I have a 3.5 year old. I agree with PPs about setting expectations. But that won't always work and if his behaviour had started deteriorating in the shop I'd have left immediately, even if that meant picking him up/abandoning purchase. As I find with mine that once the upset has properly started it's too late at that point for negotiations.

I wouldn't have attempted this, there's a level of verbal reasoning/bargaining going on that is way beyond a 3.5yo.

I kept things pretty low key, tantrums do still happen but choosing presents is a set up for one IMO.

Child wanted toy. Child not allowed toy. Child displays age appropriate reaction to not getting toy.

As long as the parent remains calm it’s not really an issue.