Talk me through how you'd manage this behaviour incident (3yo)

[oasiswon]

Interested to know (without judgements please) how other parents would deal with the following scenario, step by step.

3.5yo, no specific needs.

In a shop which sells books, and a few toys. Choosing a present for his relative. Sees toys and asks for one. "Can I have that?". Parent's response along the lines of "not today but perhaps you could add that to your list for Santa!" Child repeats asking for numerous toys, parents repeats similar responses, tries to distract them, and then child loses their shit. Screaming, crying till purple. Shouting and screaming "I want a toy" and thrashing about. Absolutely inconsolable and incredibly distressed.

What would you have done differently and what would you do next?

I either would have avoided taking a 3 year old, or let them choose something small from the outset. I don’t think you actually handled it poorly, I just think you overestimated the reasoning skills of a 3 year old and their ability to manage delayed gratification and disappointment. It happens, don’t beat yourself up!

Parent's response along the lines of "not today but perhaps you could add that to your list for Santa!" Child repeats asking for numerous toys, parents repeats similar responses, tries to distract them, and then child loses their shit.

This was your problem! You didn't do anything wrong - 3 yos ask for stuff, you have to tell them no - but once you'd said it once, the next step is physically pick him up and go.

In his mind, you were being most unreasonable by not getting him the toy, and all the extra time you spent there while he pleaded with you, only increased his desire for the toy - all perfectly natural!

Don't beat yourself up that you bought the toy in the end. No, it's not a great approach, but it's only once, you'll have lots of other chances to be consistent with boundaries.

Christmastime is hard for small people! So much to see and do, and so many things they want

I have a younger DC but they do have epic tantrums at times.

When we go shopping, we're clear what we're shopping for, and if they get distracted by something else I remind them along the lines of "We're not here for that, we're here to find a book/card/whatever for person X".

If they get bored, I almost always have a book in my bag for them, so I'll ask if they want that.

Repeated demands for things, tantrums, running away are all met with being removed from the situation.

The way I see it is that if DC is struggling to regulate their own emotions (which is entirely developmentally normal), then it's my job to help them de-escalate (removing from the environment/stimulus causing them distress, moving to a lower stimulus environment, etc) and to help them learn how to regulate emotions healthily (acknowledging emotions, showing that they're safe and boundaries are present, teaching coping skills).

So I ended up going back into the shop once he was calm and getting him the torch. I know!! 🙈

I would have caved before the tantrum and offered he could get a small gift after we picked the bigger present for the relative. I would probably have gone in knowing I would have to get him some small thing, but I'm a soft touch. They grew up OK though.

I would be telling them they can't come to the shops with me until they learn to behave and can try again another day.

I seem to disagree with most people here but hey ho. I think if he is used to being told no then he wouldn’t have had this reaction. I suspect most of the time when he asks for something in shops you buy it. Then fact you said no and then went back on it backs this up. So if you want to be able to take him to shops without buying him things you sit him down and explain how it will be from now on. Then you stick to your guns no matter what. It’s up to you but it doesn’t necessarily get easier until they are old enough as teens to have pocket money and choose for themselves.

Wise words from @macaronicheezepleeze.

Don't beat yourself up, @oasiswon - like all of us, you are doing your best in the moment, and you are only human.

When ds1 was going through the tantrums of the terrible twos, I was on the last shred of my last nerve one morning when suddenly the screaming stopped. When I went to see what had diverted him, I found him eating left over tortilla chips that dh and I had thrown in the kitchen bin the night before. But that’s not the worst part - I knew that, if I took him away from his delicious bin-snack, he would start screaming again, and I couldn’t face that, so I let him carry on eating until he got bored and wandered off - then I emptied the bin and found somewhere childproof to keep it.

Whenever you are tempted to think you aren’t being a good parent, ask yourself “But am I letting my child eat tortilla chips from the kitchen bin?” - and be comforted that you are a better parent than I was.

My reaction would be one of:

a) hands on hips, gimlet stare: “when you have finished lying on the floor, then we’ll carry on with the shopping”

or if he was going to hurt himself or damage stuff

b) abandon shopping and hoik screaming child out of shop.

No way on earth would I have bought the kid something after a tantrum. Perhaps I’m harsh, but my kids are quite nice teenagers now.

My DGD is this age - I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than take her into a shop full of toys unless she was strapped into her buggy! If it was clear she was ramping up a tantrum, I would leave the shop immediately.

To be honest, I think 3 is a bit young to understand buying for someone else. But it there was no alternative, I would explain in advance, dash in and out again then quickly move on to the next thing. Preferably something he would enjoy, like a tea shop!

At 3 and a half?

I'd have avoided toy shopping in the first place.

If unavoidable I'd have briefed him in advance that we were going for X and that it wasn't his turn for a toy.

When he asked the first time I'd have said no and reminded him of our previous discussion and how it isn't his turn for a toy today.

I'd then have ignored any further requests while very quicky choosing what we needed and get out of the shop as quick as possible.

If it had then got to the pint where he was screaming I'd have left the shop with him and waited for him to calm down.

Under absolutely no circumstances would I have gone back in and bought him something! You know that was a mistake though!

I'd also have a think about what else was going on for him, was he hungry/thirsty/tired/bored/too hot/over stimulated etc. There's usually an underlying cause/contributor to this sort of behaviour.

But sometimes it's a tantrum day and there's nothing you can do about it. I avoided them all day once, then reversed the car into a parking space when she wanted to go in frontwards.........

I don't think it was a bad idea to get him the little torch, op.

He is only three and was overwhelmed in a toy shop which is natural. They nearly always want everything they set eyes on - even if some of them are of no use to them.

Just don't do it again and, personally, I would leave out the Santa bit but that's up to you.

Great reply :) I would also tbh not be switched on enough to explain stuff beforehand. I would just try and deal with the tantrum, get down to his level, help him to calm down, offer cuddles, other distractions. I would not get him the toy.

For all the replies saying to avoid taking a child shopping, you can’t just avoid daily life situations because you’re afraid your child will kick off. How will they ever learn to act appropriately if you don’t teach them what is and isn’t ok when out in public? Stand firm and don’t be afraid to have teachable moments in a public place.

At that age they don't understand the concept of adding it to a list to get later. Just a firm no. Don't dangle the possibility of "later" until they really understand the concept. When will vary by child. Distraction is key at this age too. Say no, and quickly move on. Don't assume there's a magic answer either, of course you will get there one day but it's a process, and there will be tears. Don't let it get you down. It takes time for a child to learn a new concept, self control, emotional regulation, learning that they have free will but can't always use it, and for you to learn how to help your child based on their personality and needs. Maybe one of the tips here will be the magic words, maybe it will just take patience.

I wouldn't have taken them with me in the first place, otherwise I would have left immediately after the first question, as it was inevitable it would end in tears.

I take both of mine 3 and just 5 shopping. I tell them that we are going in the shops and I won't be buying them any toys but I need them to help me to find xyz. I get one to scan and one to help look and then swap. Any bad behaviour, and I put them in time out in the shop. Kicking off doesn't get you anything but a time out. If its a major meltdown, I take them outside until they have calmed down and then go back in and finish up. I certainly wouldn't be rewarding a tantrum but buying stuff.

This! Almost everyone has dealt with a tantrum in public so it's not really a big deal. The first time my elder DD threw herself on the floor flailing around, right in the middle of a department store walkway, I laid down next to her and flailed and pretend screamed too. She looked at me like I was crazy, promptly got up and never did it again. Another mother had given the advice and I was quite happy to find it actually worked. I even got a few impressed looks by other women in the store. If anyone were to give a judgy look (I've gotten these for absolutely no reason too!) then it's obvious they have personal issues that have no bearing on my life. I give them a big smile and go about my day.

1. set expectations before going in that we weren't buying for them
2. used the santa list line
3. bribery
4. used the counting to 5 or you get a time out tactic
5. if still going at this point she's genuinely honestly very upset so offer a cuddle and stop and help her calm down, also check if she needs a snack, probably also take her out if shop or somewhere very quiet to help her calm down. Abandon mission.

No idea if that's good parenting in that order! A lot comes down to knowing what works for your own child though.

Depending on budget,my mood,circumstances etc. I've done all of these:

Clear expectations before leaving we're going to buy x and that's it.

If she seemed antsy getting upset/annoyed dropped everything and left.

Reminded her we were stopping for lunch/icecream/cinnamon rolls /whatever. So that's her treat. Or when a bit older , I let her choose small toy of same value here or the nice food. She mostly chose the food.

Sometimes I just bought her something, especially if small and not expensive. It made me happy to see her happy and I could afford it. Obviously doesn't apply if budget is tight.

We've all been there!

I probably would've done exactly the same as you. I would have picked my kid up and walked out of the shop kicking and screaming.

I have also done what you did and purchased the toy just to stop the meltdown.

My kids are now 3 & 6 and they're not total brats who expect to get what they want through having a tantrum. Some days you just do what you have to to survive!

Agreed. At 5 my DC still struggle with the idea that we’re buying a toy for someone else and not them. Santa in the future is also still quite an abstract concept.

By experience, the best is to just say NO with no explanation. Something like ‘No we don’t buy toys today’.

As you describe when you start explaining ‘it’s too big/small/expensive’ they’ll find the crack in the argument!