Leaving a child out for not being biologically related

[Tigerstripy]

Without delving too far into backgrounds, (very long and stressful to explain) if you requested photo gifts of your grandchildren would you want step children not biologically related to you included?
If your grandchildren had step siblings via marriage for example, or would you only want your biological grandchildren in the photos?
Assuming everyone is close and accepts the stepchildren, buys them xmas and bday gifts, spends time with them etc.
Would you be angered if your child was left out because they wasn’t biologically part of the family?
Trying to gauge social expectations before raising the subject. Thanks.

“Gosh you are a cold lot.
I hope nobody in your family ever adopts or fosters.
Can you imagine?”

A foster child is not a permanent part of the family, and will have almost no link to grandparents.

Adopted children are different as adoption breaks the link with the previous family and makes them totally your responsibility.

Step children can come and go as relationships are formed and break down, so the link is literally dependent on the strength of the adult relationship.

A foster child is not a permanent part of the family, and will have almost no link to grandparents.
I hope if you know anyone who fosters that they make it EXTREMELY clear that a foster child is to be treated exactly the same as children of the household. Or else stop seeing you.
Or are you one of these people who thinks foster children should have cheaper food, no Christmas presents, and be made to do all the housework?

You seem to be creating an unrealistic standard. Potentially damaging your other family relationships in the process. Though your DD11 lacks a relationship with her paternal family that is not up to your in-laws to substitute.

The “I’ll keep an eye on it if they do treat her differently” sounds like looking for issues. The reality is you r daughter is not their granddaughter. It sounds like they are making lots of effort to ensure she is included and feels loved, but if you are out seeking slights you will almost certainly be able to find reasons (regardless of how significant).

Once you have started identifying slights are you going to be enabling your DD11 to have them highlighted to her? Will you be allowing it to harm your relationship with your in-laws? Will this damage your relationship with your husband? Or harm your other children’s relationship with the grandparents.

I think you need to get some perspective. Seriously avoid any mental habits that become “keeping score” as it doesn’t lead anywhere good.

It may be the only practical option to give them a whole family photo to for this year, but how you respond could be very detrimental here.

Well, you certainly went off the deep end there.

What world are you living in where people prepare different food for foster children?

Those who I did know who fostered years ago when I was young (those fostering being the generation above) obviously the foster parents would be caring for them, they weren’t however insisting that their family and friends were then taking pictures of the foster children and putting them around their houses. That really would be weird.

The children are included while they are in their care and those who want to retain a link do so after leaving, however creating some artificial intense link with other people is fake and a child will spot that, it is not what they need. The behaviour towards them and care needs to be genuine not manufactured.

Only my bio GCs. Lets face it if the couple split up I would never see the step GC again.

All children included and yes would be angered if mine were left out.

It depends on the situation. My exdh second wife had a 3 year old with no dad involved. She has always been treated as a full sibling.

My dd were 6 and 8 when I met dh . Hi family have always been lovely to them. Taken them out /got gifts etc. When they were 13 and 15 we had a child there was definitely a marked difference in terms of involvement/gifts . They did get a photo frame done with pictures of both their grandchildren (our ds and dn) and that made me feel a bit sad on behalf of dds. But when eldest dd graduated they framed a picture and any family photos they have always include all of us.

Will the step children see?

I think their wellbeing is extremely important but equally it all depends on how long they've been in each others lives and will the step children see they've not been included?

I don't think you can force grandparents into something so if you feel strongly then don't supply any photos

Just wondering if those who suggest a selection of pictures, some of which only depict biological children/descendents, would also exclude adopted children?

Like, are we excluding children from the family based on biology or legal status? Maybe both?

Grim.

Step children aren’t (usually) adopted children.

I would be shocked and angry if an adopted child was left out - which is what I though was meant by this title.

we have ‘step cousins’ I suppose. They aren’t included in family gatherings etc because we have only met them once and we didn’t grow up with them. I have cousins who were adopted - I forget this biological distinction - they are family - blood is irrelevant.

but when they were alive my grandparents would not have considered my uncles step children as their grandchildren. And vice Versa. They had their own grandparents.

dies this child call them granny and grandpa? It all depends on the relationship

Actually best practice in adoption these days is to try and maintain a family link where possible.

My grandchild gets fed different food when they stay at their dad's and stepmother's. Their shared children get posh cereal and pizzas but they get supermarket own brands - stepmother: 'we weren't sure if you were coming'. Bitch.

Though your DD11 lacks a relationship with her paternal family that is not up to your in-laws to substitute.

I’ve noticed where people get upset at their DC treatment by their partner’s family, it’s almost always where their child doesn’t have much relationship with their own family/father etc, and seems they are looking for their partner’s family to compensate.

Seems they are pretty inclusive generally in this case. As PP have said, maybe it’s just highlighting that they do treat them as if they are GC, without really thinking of them as such. That’s fine.

Let's reverse it
Imagine if the child won the lottery, and said I'm only giving my biological family money. Theyd all want to be her grandparents then wouldn't they?

It would depend on the exact relationship but if I felt strongly about it I'd send a photo of all the dgc and dsgc in a group shot together for the mantle.

Try being 'the chosen one' in an adoption and still being left out of the 'family' for over 40 years.. and not just at Christmas.

I don't have experience in this area however given the explanation of the relationship between your DD11 and her SGP's I would be livid.
You can't accept a child into your family and treat them as one of your own giving them granddaughter cards and then later on turn round and cut them out. It's down right cruel. They either get a picture of all 3 of them or not at all and your DH should be in agreement, after all he has accepted her as his own.

My daughter has a partner.. daughter one son.. her partner two daughters ( both gay not that it matters).. but l now have acquired two wonderful step Granddaughters.. l adore.. bought presents for..
They would be included.

I think it's a bit mean, given the relationship in which she's part of the family, but it leads to the question of why you got photos taken of those two without your eldest DD in the first place?

Of course stepchildren should be included. Any expectation or request for them to be excluded is mean and toxic.

I would include them.

Mine weren't included and were never treated the same as "real" GC. Ironically now everyone is all grown up and the real GC have all moved away, in-laws did try to get my kids to help them out e.g shopping in the winter, lifts to the hospital, getting stuff out the attic, clearing snow off the path etc. Absolutely no bloody way was I going to let my kids be guilt tripped in to helping them now after not being treated as part of the "real" family for decades. My kids have 4 wonderful "real' grandparents and help them out at the drop of a hat.

(MiL once referred to them as "not real GC". It took me 20 years but I finally mentioned she wasn't "A real Granny" when she ran out of bread and milk when DD worked in Asda.....revenge served cold and all that)

Me too.
Unless the step kids had been in my life since babies/lived 100% with my own child/had been part of the family for years and years, so eg if their "other" parent had died.

Photos last a lifetime step relatives not so much so actually no I wouidnt want them included at all.