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Original poster

Leaving a child out for not being biologically related

129 replies

Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 10:13

Without delving too far into backgrounds, (very long and stressful to explain) if you requested photo gifts of your grandchildren would you want step children not biologically related to you included?
If your grandchildren had step siblings via marriage for example, or would you only want your biological grandchildren in the photos?
Assuming everyone is close and accepts the stepchildren, buys them xmas and bday gifts, spends time with them etc.
Would you be angered if your child was left out because they wasn’t biologically part of the family?
Trying to gauge social expectations before raising the subject. Thanks.

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Chewbecca · 19/12/2023 11:15

It depends. My parents wouldn't want pics of my DSC, only my DC. I have a SGC who I would include BUT obvs I live with their Dad so it's his GC and home too!

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 11:15

Aww I think your DD1 will be alright!

She will have her photos hung on your wall, and in her own grandparents homes!
She is included!

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 19/12/2023 11:15

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 11:10

To me grandchildren would mean bio only.
I wouldn’t want photos of other children on my mantle!

Sorry, this!

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Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 11:16

Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 11:10

Thanks everyone sorry to be vague. I haven’t posted this before. I have a DD11 from previous relationship, DP has DD8 and we have DD1 together. His family all want copies of our professional photos for Christmas, but just SDD8 and DD1. It’s fine they don’t want my DD included as she isn’t their biological relative and I’ve never forced her on them, but they have been in her life for 7 years and she sees them as family as they claimed they do her. They send her bday and Xmas gifts, she’s even had a granddaughter bday card, but suddenly she’s not good enough to hang on their wall in photos with her sisters. I won’t make a fuss, I just wanted to see the general views on how others handle this.

On this situation I would send them one of all 3! Really unpleasant of them.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 19/12/2023 11:17

Are your family asking for photos of his dd8 to put up in their home?

AuntieStella · 19/12/2023 11:19

My apologies for assuming earlier you may be someone else! An assumption that also led me to wrongly assume that this was a pic of all DGC, rather than your blended/nuclear family.

I think they're being weird. So (assuming cost not an issue) I'd send two pics, one with all of you, and one as requested.

Perhaps they'll change their mind about what they display, perhaps not. But you'll have given them options, and after that don't dwell on it.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 11:19

It’s not ‘unpleasant of them’.
DD1 is included in the photos that will be in her own home and that of her own grandparents.

I doubt she will be care tbh!
We don’t even have photos on the mantas of bio nieces / nephews in our family.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 11:20

@WhereIsBebèsChambre

Exactly - does the reverse apply with your parents?

whosaidtha · 19/12/2023 11:21

I have a half sister and wouldn't ever have expected to be included in a photo for her grandma. I have my own grandma to be in photos for.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 11:23

@whosaidtha

Exactly!
And did you ever feel left out by not being on her grandma’s wall (if you visited her grandma) and vice versa?

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 19/12/2023 11:24

I see where you're coming getting and I'd be hurt and feel so sad for my daughter. I'm an auntie of a blended family and my parents have taken on the two non biological children like their own grandchildren. That's because they've actively been in their lives since they were babies. However I have a sister with a boyfriend who has a child (been together about 3 years) and honestly, I don't see him as 'family' and therefore wouldn't want him in family photos for the wall. Sad but true.

Original poster
Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 11:27

DD11 probably won’t even notice, but for a fleeting moment it shocked me that they intentionally requested photos that she wasn’t in. Which also rules out the full family photo. They only want the photo of DSD and DD1. We didn’t get individual ones due to cost so DD11 family won’t get one either as I’m not comfortable with them having photos of DSD or DD.

OP posts:
whosaidtha · 19/12/2023 11:29

@Bananabreadandstrawberries I honestly don't remember. I'm sure there were photos of my sis on her walls. But I don't remember as it's so insignificant.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/12/2023 11:30

It’s so individual. What we see is our own part in the story. We forget that there were years- and families- and places- where we weren’t around.

We see our family as ‘all the things we are at’. We forget all the family dos we aren’t at.

Other people’s picture is so much broader than our own.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 11:30

I understand the moment of upset it caused you, but I think comparing with how you don’t want DD11s grandparents to have photos of children unrelated to them, I hope you can understand the perspective of your in laws better!

I don’t think it is unpleasant of any of the grandparents to want their bio GC only

elliejjtiny · 19/12/2023 11:30

That's awful. I have 2 non biological cousins, we have known each other since we were 12-15 years old. They are as much my cousins as my biological ones. And my cousins wives/husbands, I consider them my cousins too, and my dh's cousins. The more the merrier I say. I also have 12 people who I have referred to as my grandparents, although not all at the same time! (My biological 4, dh's biological 4, 2 step grandparents, a childless great uncle and my mum's best friend's mum)

AndThatWasNY · 19/12/2023 11:32

Iskpugkk · 19/12/2023 10:19

If my mum requested photo gifts of her grandchildren then i would include my DSD in those; if my mum said she didn’t want that then she’d get a pretty abrupt response and there wouldn’t be any more photo gifts. The emotional wellbeing of my DSD is more important than my mums preference.

This.
My family however have welcomed dss with open arms

CorylusAgain · 19/12/2023 11:33

elliejjtiny · 19/12/2023 11:30

That's awful. I have 2 non biological cousins, we have known each other since we were 12-15 years old. They are as much my cousins as my biological ones. And my cousins wives/husbands, I consider them my cousins too, and my dh's cousins. The more the merrier I say. I also have 12 people who I have referred to as my grandparents, although not all at the same time! (My biological 4, dh's biological 4, 2 step grandparents, a childless great uncle and my mum's best friend's mum)

The fact that it's different from your family doesn't automatically make it "awful".

3peassuit · 19/12/2023 11:33

I’m a grandmother and I’d want all the children. They are important people in my daughter’s life and included in her family so they should be in mine.

PuttingDownRoots · 19/12/2023 11:33

In your scenario where they refer to her as a granddaughter... yes I think its odd.

I have a DN who lives with her two half sister, Mum and Step dad. They are a family and treated as such.
I have two other DNs, also eldest DNs younger half siblings. For various reasons, they have never met each other. It would be extremely wierd to send the other grandparents pictures of her, despite the fact she is their stepgrandchild. In fact I'm not even sure if they know of her existence (yes my BIL is a cock).

Original poster
Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 11:34

The reason for not wanting DD family having photos of my DD or SDS are from a history of abuse. They have visitation via courts but that’s as far as it goes so it’s a slightly different situation.

OP posts:
x88mph · 19/12/2023 11:34

The waters are muddied if there is a "grandparent" relationship established.
I was raised to call DSM's Mum "Grandma". Cards with "granddaughter" on, presents at birthday and Christmas. I don't know why the adults organised it like that because it made me think i was on an equal footing when my half siblings came along. Very confusing and upsetting for me to realise that I was so wrong. One of the (many) ways this was demonstrated to me was by my absence among the abundant family photos on the wall. Great that you are aware of the potential effect on your DD, which is more than I can say for my DF who seems (still does) to be oblivious to this, even in his own house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2023 11:35

They can treat her as a grandchild without actually considering a grandchild. That seems to be a reflection of their feelings. It’s okay for you to feel disappointed. It’s okay for them to be honest about what they want and how they feel.

There’s no one way to do blended families. Each one is different.

We have more photos of my DSC around as they’ve been around longer. It’s the baby who’s very underrepresented but he’ll catch up in time. We have every combination of kids in pictures.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 11:36

@elliejjtiny
Thats lovely for your family and 12 grandparents is remarkable!
However it does not make the alternative ‘awful’.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 19/12/2023 11:36

Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 11:27

DD11 probably won’t even notice, but for a fleeting moment it shocked me that they intentionally requested photos that she wasn’t in. Which also rules out the full family photo. They only want the photo of DSD and DD1. We didn’t get individual ones due to cost so DD11 family won’t get one either as I’m not comfortable with them having photos of DSD or DD.

Sorry who arent you happy with having photos of some of the kids?