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Original poster

Leaving a child out for not being biologically related

129 replies

Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 10:13

Without delving too far into backgrounds, (very long and stressful to explain) if you requested photo gifts of your grandchildren would you want step children not biologically related to you included?
If your grandchildren had step siblings via marriage for example, or would you only want your biological grandchildren in the photos?
Assuming everyone is close and accepts the stepchildren, buys them xmas and bday gifts, spends time with them etc.
Would you be angered if your child was left out because they wasn’t biologically part of the family?
Trying to gauge social expectations before raising the subject. Thanks.

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SutWytTi · 19/12/2023 11:41

Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 11:34

The reason for not wanting DD family having photos of my DD or SDS are from a history of abuse. They have visitation via courts but that’s as far as it goes so it’s a slightly different situation.

This is a massive dripfeed and changes everything.

I would not send any photos in this situation.

eerilyquietthismorning · 19/12/2023 11:43

Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 11:34

The reason for not wanting DD family having photos of my DD or SDS are from a history of abuse. They have visitation via courts but that’s as far as it goes so it’s a slightly different situation.

Who has visitation via courts, the father or grandparents? I didn't think grandparents had any legal right to see grandchildren.
If they're abusive then why would they?

drspouse · 19/12/2023 11:48

Does the child have other grandparents they spend time with?
My DCs are adopted and I'd give anyone short shrift who thought it was OK to say "biological only". For a start, they have a dwindling number of grandparents even though in theory they should have 8 each, three have died that we know of, and birth dads - and hence birth paternal GPs - don't want contact.

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Original poster
Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 11:49

Sorry two separate situations, I’m posting about DH family not wanting DD11 in photos. I was just stating to those who said DD11 family will have her photos instead, that they also won’t have her photos due to the custody arrangement. The only biological family DD11 has outside us is my grandparents and sisters. Sorry if that caused confusion.

OP posts:
Nottodaty · 19/12/2023 11:50

Depends on the person, relationship, context & how long someone has been in their lives.

My late Granny all Grandchildren step or not - she treated them equally. Even though she didn’t have a close relationship with one of her daughter’s step children - she still put the family photo up. Maybe not any individual school type ones - she wouldn’t have received those anyway but family ones always all included.

Chipsahoyagain · 19/12/2023 11:54

The 'right' thing to do would be to have two sets, one including your dd and the other not. I don't think them requesting their bio gc is wrong though. You and dh might split up and they probably wouldn't see your dd or your dd might not want to bother with them one day and then they have her in all their photos. It is hurtful to your dd that's why I think two sets would be the best thing to do.
Does your GP's treat your SD the same as your dd?

eerilyquietthismorning · 19/12/2023 11:55

I remember growing up all my nans friends were nanny 'first name', all mums friends were aunty 'first name' and even my mum was a childminder and all her minded children called my nan - nanny. I think it's ok to be affectionate but just want your bio children in family photos.

Original poster
Tigerstripy · 19/12/2023 12:01

Yes DSD is treated the same as my own children by my family. They’ve known her since she was barely a toddler.

OP posts:
Edwardandtubbs · 19/12/2023 12:05

We are just updating all the GC photos for my mum. My SD was in the mix but we aren’t including her in this round as she’s done a huge flounce out of the family and is refusing to have contact with any of us. DM continued to send her birthday/Xmas cards and money but didn’t hear anything back. She’s now stopped, so I can’t imagine she’ll want a picture of SD on the mantle. We don’t have a recent one anyway as none of us sees her….

So in short I agree with previous posters in that it totally depends on the context.

My parents used to include and treat my SD equally to all their other grandchildren, and I’m sure DM would again if she reinstated contact.

kimchio · 19/12/2023 12:16

It seems odd that they would request it tbh. I'd have thought they'd just accept whatever they were given

Justcallmebebes · 19/12/2023 12:19

SadKenny · 19/12/2023 10:35

Is this the same poster who has posted a few times about this?

I'd say unless the SCs have been in the GPs lives for many years since they were very small, then it's not unreasonable for the GPs to only expect their bio GCs to be in the photos.

This. Sorry, but if I had a photo of GC I wouldn't want step siblings in unless they'd been in the family many years and we're likely to be in for many years to come

Bippitybobbityboing · 19/12/2023 12:23

My dsis has a blended family, photo gifts would always include a selection of groups, pairs, individual and parent-child pairs.

LolaSmiles · 19/12/2023 12:33

It depends on circumstances.

I suspect there's a lot of people who will treat their grand children and any step grandchildren similarly by buying birthday and Christmas gifts, being nice, not excluding from birthday parties or days out etc, but don't necessarily consider their child's partner's children as actual grandchildren (eg when they write a will it will likely have their children and grandchildren, not child's partner's son/daughter).

From threads on here it seems a lot of adults seem to think that their relationship choices create a obligation on their relatives and it's not that black and white

JamieKnows · 19/12/2023 12:35

I don't want to look at the children of all of mine and my brothers exes every day so I can't imagine my mum would either 😅.

The ones that are biologically related, yes of course.

Gnomegnomegnome · 19/12/2023 12:39

My dgc stepdad’s family have welcomed him into their family. They treat him as though he’s biologically part of their family and I love them for it. He adores them.

I would be upset at this especially as they have been in their lives for so long.

Chipsahoyagain · 19/12/2023 12:44

kimchio · 19/12/2023 12:16

It seems odd that they would request it tbh. I'd have thought they'd just accept whatever they were given

Why? Why should they just accept GC that aren't related ?

A close relative blended with someone who had 4 other kids. She actually that those 4 kids also deserved gifts. She was very quickly put in her place about that.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 12:50

Sadly step children might float in or out of your lives! All too common and a significant chance they will have nothing to do with your family in the future.

EverySporkIsSacred · 19/12/2023 12:55

If they want your professionally taken photos and they all have your DD in them then they have to accept that or have no photos. Easy as.

everythingthelighttouches · 19/12/2023 12:57

I wonder if you have just been exposed to an uncomfortable truth for you about your DH’s family’s view? (No comment on whether this is right or wrong, but it is certainly factual).

It seems they do treat your DD as if she were the same as their biological grandchildren/niece etc. however, could this be out of respect and affection for you, your DD and your DH, that this is your family.
However, perhaps as they see the photos as something for them, that certainly your DD will be oblivious to, you are getting an insight into how they they truly see there is a difference, and would like a photo of their biological grandchildren only.

It sounds like this is the first time it has occurred to you that although they treat your DD as if she were theirs, there is still a distinction for them.

I would personally say this is fine.

everythingthelighttouches · 19/12/2023 12:58

Agree though that it is odd anyone would have any say over your photos. Did you ask them if they had any preferences or did this request come uninvited?

mondaytosunday · 19/12/2023 12:59

If the stepkids truly were as integrated as you say. My stepkids were 12 and 14 when I married their father and while my parents knew them and were over for some lunches and Christmas when snd gave them gifts they certainly did not fill a grandparent role. I did give them a pic of their grandkids but it was of my niece and my children. The stepkids certainly did not consider my parents as being part of their family.
There was a 14 year age gap between stepkids and my kids.

drspouse · 19/12/2023 13:00

Gosh you are a cold lot.
I hope nobody in your family ever adopts or fosters.
Can you imagine?
"Oh we haven't bought Johnny a Christmas present in case he goes home to his parents. Here, real children, have a bike and a Barbie dream house"

Brefugee · 19/12/2023 13:00

PaminaMozart · 19/12/2023 10:26

The emotional wellbeing of my DSD is more important than my mums preference.

I agree.

really? so if your mum doesn't regard children that are literally foisted on her, without her input or request or anything, the same as her biological grandchildren - you think she's completely wrong?

i find that really mean towards your mum.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/12/2023 13:04

Well I give presents to friend’s children, people I work with etc!

I am very kind to other people’s children and happy to give them gifts. Just don’t consider them my own!

TheShoulder · 19/12/2023 13:06

When you say "want", are they paying for them? If you are paying for them, maybe they didn't want to ask for too much. TBH, I think I would quite like a photo of just my biological grandchildren in this situation despite having a firm belief that step family should be treated as biological family. Quite often with blended families there are only family photos with all the DC as the whole family is together all the time eg at weddings, parties, holidays etc. Maybe they picked the photo of just their DGC because they don't have any so it would be special? Do they have other photos at home with your DD?

I think given that they treat your DD as a grandchild in every other way, I wouldn't make too much of a thing about a one off situation.

Also, you say you didn't have individual photos done so presumably there is a photo of just your DH's 2 biological children? You yourself chose to have a photo taken that excludes your DD. It's a bit hypocritical to be angry with them for choosing it when you chose to have a separate picture without your DD done yourself.

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