Leaving a child out for not being biologically related

[Tigerstripy]

Without delving too far into backgrounds, (very long and stressful to explain) if you requested photo gifts of your grandchildren would you want step children not biologically related to you included?
If your grandchildren had step siblings via marriage for example, or would you only want your biological grandchildren in the photos?
Assuming everyone is close and accepts the stepchildren, buys them xmas and bday gifts, spends time with them etc.
Would you be angered if your child was left out because they wasn’t biologically part of the family?
Trying to gauge social expectations before raising the subject. Thanks.

Don't be mean to children, it's not their fault and maybe not their choice either

Does any child really mind being left out of a photograph? Most of them hate being photographed don't they?

Biological grandkids only, though adopted kids count as biological for me.

But not of stepkids- unless I'm really close to them

There’s some confusion here between thoughts, desires, duties and actions. The needs of the child always outrank the wants of the adult. The poster with the stepchild has a duty towards the stepchild. The grandmother has a want, or a desire, to exclude non blood relatives but however sympathetic you might be to it, however natural you might think it, it doesn’t need to be catered to. Its not “mean”—what a childish outlook—it just is the right thing to do to protect the younger and more vulnerable dsc over the excluding adult.

It sounds like you're shocked because they're usually very inclusive. I'd take that as the positive, being engaged and treating them with respect throughout the year is more important than whether they want a photo of them up on their mantelpiece or not.

What child likes to see a room full of photos of all the family except for themselves? I can assure you that they notice.

My mum would include DSS in 'grandchildren' if she asked; my dad wouldn't (they're not together). They have totally different relationships with him.

It didn't escape my notice as a child, as a blood relation, that the only pics my grandmother had up were of her favourite son and daughter and their respective children.

Having said that, if a step-grandchild doesn't visit the grandparents then I don't see that a huge effort needs to be taken to get photos of them. I say that as someone with a 22 YO DSS who is impossible to pin down and get a nice photo of, it's even harder when I want to include his brothers as well!

It’s fine if they don’t want an individual photo of her, a little odd perhaps if they’ve known her for so long and otherwise include her, but acceptable.
however to specifically ask for photos without her, and rule out the family photo just seems a bit spiteful.

Thanks for all the views, I’m not going to make a mountain out of a molehill, I’ll keep an eye on it if they do treat her differently I’ll speak up but so far no cause for concern.
For the poster saying I left my own DD out in the photo: it was a family photo shoot. We had several of all of us, 1 of all 3 children, 1 of my DDs, 1 of DSD and DD1 and 1 of DD11 and DSD so no she wasn’t left out. My in laws want a copy of DSD and DD1.

I’m amazed there are so many comments that think it’s ok. These are children we are talking about, and surely it would be upsetting for a child to realise they were intentionally left out? Why wouldn’t grandparents just ask for a picture of their step grandchild as well, knowing that it might make her upset and uncomfortable if she learned they didn’t? What if one child was adopted and others weren’t? I am sad that people aren’t more accepting of blending families.

(For context I work with young people and have done for 20 years - and these seem like small things but they notice and it does affect them)

So your in-laws want a photo only if their grandchildren? That seems pretty normal. Wouldn’t your parents want a photo of both of your daughters?

We take 1 photo, whichever kids want to be in it are in it. This year there are 8 kids in the photo. 4 are mine, 2 are my steps and 2 are extras. Anyone who wants a copy gets one, the grandparents are quite happy for the extras and steps to be in the photo and on their mantelpiece /fridge etc. These kids are important to us and that's all that matters.

As a grandparent I'd love to receive a photo of my family and any bonus kids regardless of how they came into the family.

It all completely depends.
For example my brother has a stepson in his 30s, I wouldn't expect him to come and pose for photos with the younger children, nor would my parents want photos of him, as he's only met them twice.
If they were younger children, all live together, that's different. There's no hard and fast rule. Whatever works for each family.

As someone in a family where none if the children are bio children, my husbands parents are very much of the opinion that they do not have any grandchildren. Apparently their sons two children are imaginery.

Either is absolutely fine. Some people treat step children as theirs and others don’t, same goes for all other members of the family. As long as everyone is friendly and kind then that’s fine.
The issue comes when the two sides don’t match. Your daughter considers them grandparents and has been encouraged to do so. However lovely they are to her and it’s great that they are, they do not consider her their grandchild/nibling. They simply don’t. It is your job to manage your daughters relationship here and make sure she’s not putting in what she’s not going to get in return. This will continue to be an issue, and she will become more aware of the differences and get hurt otherwise. She needs to know the differences are because they are her siblings grandparents and not hers. Facts. I know that sounds harsh but if she knows the relationship is based on fact/biology rather than any reflection on her then hopefully that will protect her more. She can still have a friendly and even loving relationship there, but cut out the whole grandparent thing.
I would also in this instance put up the photo of dd and your other child at your parents. Not to hurt your dsc but to show your dd she’s just as important, they just have different family.

You can not compare adopted children to step children in 99% of cases, it’s not the same thing!

Well that's a whole pile of awfulness!
My DPs have four GCs and my two are the adopted two.
My DS has significant SEN but is the only boy and named after my DF and both of those make him special.
My DD is the youngest and my DM is hanging on to having a baby grandchild as long as possible (she's 9, so DM is going to be in for a shock soon!).

Why wouldn’t they treat your daughter differently- she’s not their grandchild. Presumably she has a father and grandparents on her father’s side.

I would expect biological grandchildren to the only ones included.

I wouldn’t expect a grandparent to want to display photos of their daughter’s, partner’s child, regardless of how long they’d know the child for.

I’m a stepchild. I’m under no illusions that my stepmum is my mum, or that her parents are my grandparents. They were valuable people in my life growing up, but not my grandparents, and my ‘emotional well-being’ didn’t depend on believing something that wasn’t true. In fact it was emotionally healthier having a realistic view of who everyone was and what role they played in my life. If you’re raising your children to believe anyone who doesn’t treat them as a close blood relative is an awful person, then you’re bringing them up to have a whole bunch of unnecessary issues.

You can not compare adopted children to step children in 99% of cases, it’s not the same thing!

and yet almost everyone says

I would expect biological grandchildren to the only ones included

Engage brains before posting, people. Think about how hurtful what you are saying is.

I would hazard a guess that in the vast majority of cases "biological" is shorthand for "biological or adopted".
I'm not saying there aren't people / families where adopted dc are treated differently, but given that adopted children have all the same legal rights as the vast majority of biological children, most people would regard the expectation to be that once adopted, those dc are simply "dc". That's a different position to step dc. There are no such legal equivalents for step dc and their step families.

As someone who is involved in the adoption community you are very much mistaken. People ignoring adopted grandchildren, nieces, nephews etc is very common.