Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

ADHD daughters behaviour

76 replies

Helpme2015 · 14/12/2023 19:29

My 8 year old daughter has ADHD.
She is having behavioural struggles in school and I’m at a complete loss how to deal with it.
In year 1 she had an awful year where she was regularly excluded, and put on a partial timetable. I almost lost my job due to this, as well as my own mental health!
Year 2 we had a big improvement and she had a mostly good year.
Year 3 is heading on a downward spiral again. She’s disruptive in every class, doesn’t listen, only completes her work about 50% of the time, runs out of the classroom. She hasn’t been excluded as yet but I’m worried it will get that way.
School are being helpful, giving her opportunity to turn her behaviour around, lots of movement breaks, more leeway than other kids. Tried ear defenders but she just messed with them.
She doesn’t qualify for funding for a 1 to 1 or anything like that.
When she’s been bad at school she has a stern talking to about what better choices she could have made, then she loses her iPad, her tv at bedtime, is sent to her room for the evening and loses getting to go to her activities after school also. It’s making home life miserable because it’s now every day, but I can’t just let her get away with the behaviour because I’m worried it will spiral to what it was before.
When she’s good she earns pocket money, crafting time, screen time, and after school activities and we make a big fuss over her which she loves, although it’s rare now.
I feel like I’m being too harsh on her but I don’t know what else to do. Although it’s not working anyway.
Please help/advise!

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/12/2023 20:25

How come she doesn't get any finding for support? Has she got an ECHP?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2023 20:27

My DD with ADHD doesn't take meds, does yours? Really turns it around for some children.

Soontobe60 · 14/12/2023 20:31

Who diagnosed her? It’s unusual to get a diagnosis so young - she must be very significantly affected. You can apply for a Needs assessment yourself via the SEN team in your LA. I would advise you to do this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families General parenting Primary education
crankit · 14/12/2023 20:34

She doesn't need punishment she needs more support, like an ehcp! Have school ever mentioned this to you ?
Who told you she doesn't qualify, the senco?
They will say that.

Flangeosaurus · 14/12/2023 20:40

I’m not sure there’s a huge amount to be gained by quite harsh punishments later in the day (losing activities and being sent to her room all evening is incredibly harsh in my eyes).

If she has ADHD she isn’t doing this on purpose, she’s doing it because she’s not coping in the school environment. If she’s so disruptive in lessons she is consistently being excluded then the school are not meeting her needs. You absolutely can and should apply for an EHCP.

She needs to be supported to find ways to cope at school. My son is not particularly disruptive but he is diagnosed with ADHD and I’ve just found much lower expectations of what is possible for him makes a better outcome for everyone. If he is told, “sit there, do this thing, then do this thing, then come and hand your work in and then this thing will happen” it’s waaaay too much for him to process. He needs single clear instructions, time to process the instruction, then usually several gently prompts to start work, stay on task etc. I appreciate that’s a fucking nightmare when there’s one teacher for 30 kids but that’s what classroom support assistants are there to help with and why you need to apply for the EHCP.

You can’t keep punishing her for things she can’t help when there’s no support in place to help her do better.

Original poster
Helpme2015 · 14/12/2023 21:15

I applied for an EHCP when she was in year 1 and it was rejected as they decided she didn’t need help.
She was diagnosed by a paediatrician at the hospital in year 1.
She doesn’t take any meds.
I agree the punishments are no good but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to enable the bad behaviour.

OP posts:
Goneback2school · 14/12/2023 21:17

Is there a reason she doesn't take medication? It may well be what she needs to help her cope.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/12/2023 21:21

Has she tried any Medication?

Covidwoes · 14/12/2023 21:22

I teach a child just like your daughter OP. Medication was started in Y3 and has made a huge, very positive difference. Maybe worth considering?

WaitingForMojo · 14/12/2023 21:24

What else to do:

try medication for her
reapply for EHCP

OhThatHappenedWhatNow · 14/12/2023 21:25

Have you thought about trying some medication to help her focus?
what is she like at home with the home routine?

WaitingForMojo · 14/12/2023 21:26

Punishing her for not coping is just unhelpful, what is it that you mean by ‘bad behaviour’?

it doesn’t sound like bad behaviour to me, it sounds like symptoms of ADHD. You’re punishing her for being who she is. The impact on her self esteem will be awful.

it sounds like more adjustments need to be in place for her as she really isn’t able to cope.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 14/12/2023 21:28

Medication. You need to get an appointment with the correct medical professional (is it still paeds for age 8?) and emphasise the negative effects this is having on her life in at least two spheres (e.g. home and school).

Cornishqween · 14/12/2023 21:41

This was shocking to read op

Please stop punishing her for acting out in an environment she is clearly not coping with. You wouldn't punish someone a wheelchair user because they couldn't climb the stairs into class, please don't punish your child for something she has little control over. She is very young and doesn't want to be in trouble or upset you.

If you can, get hold of the book 'the explosive child', by dr Ross Greene. It completely turned my life around, I have two kids both AudHd and one of them was violent at times and fly off the handle. We haven't had an outburst or meltdown in years. Your DD is communicating with the adults around her and showing them she can't cope right now. The adults should be the ones to turn things around and support, she cannot advocate for herself yet.

The school and la will tell you she doesn't need an EHCP - I would beg to differ, it sounds like she exactly the sort of child that needs one. Just because they decide not to issue doesn't mean you need to leave it there. We had refusal to assess, I appealed and had it overturned. The la in the end agreed but wrote an awful EHCP and refused my child the specialist school he needed. I fought all the way to tribunal and won. SEND services are chronically underfunded so they say no to pretty much everyone - it's unlawful most of the time. School and sencos, along with other send professionals even within the la aren't aware of the laws that protect children with additional needs, they regularly trot out info refusing parents ehcna's that is incorrect.

If you can have a listen to the SEND parenting podcast with dr Olivia Kestle and try and find local support groups. Many parents will be going through the same and will be able to offer advice.

VikingLady · 14/12/2023 21:42

It's a disability. She literally cannot "be good". Her brain is not made that way. Punishing her, adding more stress, will not make her magically be capable of becoming neurotypical.

You need to dig into exactly what is going wrong and why. If school won't support her you may need to advocate for her or move her, the same way you would if she had a wheelchair and they were punishing her for them refusing to put in a ramp.

I appreciate you're trying to do right by her, but she can't be neurotypical however hard she tries. If making her miserable with punishments was going to work then it would have done so by now b

FizzyWizard · 14/12/2023 22:04

Try for the EHCP again, on the basis that the school is already putting in place what they can out of their own resources and it clearly isn't meeting her needs. The threshold for an assessment isn't high - it's that a child MAY have special educational needs (yours is diagnosed so that's met) and MAY need an EHCP.

Here is some of what my DD has with her EHCP

  • a 1:1 throughout parts of the day that she finds challenging, not full time as she doesn't need full time, but more than half time
  • lego therapy
  • sensory circuits
  • access to the "calm room" at least once a day, more if needed
  • fidget toys
  • a movement break space outside the classroom
  • a ton of praise for asking for a movement break rather than getting disruptive
  • occupational therapy
  • speech and language therapy
  • visits from the therapy dog

She is visibly calmer when we collect her from school now. If she comes home stressed she has a sensory area at home or can just curl up under a blanket or go for a run in the park depending on which she needs.

Talking to her about what better choices she could make is fine but taking away activities and making her stay in one room for the evening is almost certainly making it worse - like trying to put a cap back on a shaken up bottle of coke.

I would focus on making home life happy and calm for her, rather than risking her being unhappy in both. Does she know about her diagnosis? If not she may have internalised that she is a "bad kid" so I would talk to her about what ADHD means, the things she might find hard (but has to learn to navigate) and the things she might be really good at (creativity, humour, fun to be around, great ideas etc).

Schneetropfen · 14/12/2023 22:14

I agree with posters above that you should reapply for an ehc needs assessment (and appeal to the SEND Tribunal if the LA refuse it again).

If school are willing to provide a statement as to her presentation and performance, and any provision/ interventions that they are putting in place (even if informal), that would be very helpful.

Octavia64 · 14/12/2023 22:16

Alongside the obvious - meds and EHCP

Things that might help

Regular exercise
Sensory circuits (this is an intervention school can do but you can also do it at home)
Now and next boards
Wobble cushions (allows her to get sensory input while staying sat down)

Refbuckethat · 14/12/2023 22:21

My DD has ADHD.
Why isn't she on Meds?
She'll not be able to conform as she has a disability that can wreck lives & educational achievement.
I'd really recommend a lot of reading about it as otherwise it won't end well.. I hate to warn you but girls ADHD goes haywire in puberty

Refbuckethat · 14/12/2023 22:24

Taking away extra curricular stuff will make her life harder. She'll malfunction even more. She'll resent you for it as she can't help the way she is. You can't expect an ADHD to behave & respond like a normal child will. Endless punishment makes them angry & upset and wrecks their self esteem

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/12/2023 22:26

I'd really recommend a lot of reading about it as otherwise it won't end well.. I hate to warn you but girls ADHD goes haywire in puberty

That was most definitely our experience.

I agree on reading up as much as you can now. The start of puberty combined with starting High School was so, so hard for our DD.

Original poster
Helpme2015 · 14/12/2023 22:29

I massively appreciate everyone’s input and will gladly stop the punishments as it seems 100% that it will not help which is what my heart told me anyway!
The reason I started was because the teacher says she seems to be choosing to do things, and smirking as she does them - such as screaming out in class, refusing to come in from playtime, refusal to do work, singing out loud in class, talking back with attitude. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see myself. She’s manageable at home.
Ive asked for a review to see if we can get meds but I’ve been told there’s a 2 month wait.
I’ll also ask for a reassessment for the Ehcp.

OP posts:
thedamnseason · 14/12/2023 22:31

Lots of language about being bad and good which really isn't helpful for a neurodiverse child.

If she's struggling at school then can you get her an appointment with her paediatrician. She's pretty young for meds but it's possible it might be helpful.
I would also push back on getting an EHCP and work on building more evidence. You could take some advice on how to enhance the application to make it more likely to be accepted.

Refbuckethat · 14/12/2023 22:36

She might look like she's making choices but she'll have pop corn going off in her head. She'll be impulsive & wont want to come in as she knows class time is painful for her.
Demand a meds appt

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/12/2023 22:38

Does the Teacher understand that DC with ADHD are often immature so she's probably behaving like a 5 yo but expected to behave how her peers are?