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Original poster

ADHD daughters behaviour

76 replies

Helpme2015 · 14/12/2023 19:29

My 8 year old daughter has ADHD.
She is having behavioural struggles in school and I’m at a complete loss how to deal with it.
In year 1 she had an awful year where she was regularly excluded, and put on a partial timetable. I almost lost my job due to this, as well as my own mental health!
Year 2 we had a big improvement and she had a mostly good year.
Year 3 is heading on a downward spiral again. She’s disruptive in every class, doesn’t listen, only completes her work about 50% of the time, runs out of the classroom. She hasn’t been excluded as yet but I’m worried it will get that way.
School are being helpful, giving her opportunity to turn her behaviour around, lots of movement breaks, more leeway than other kids. Tried ear defenders but she just messed with them.
She doesn’t qualify for funding for a 1 to 1 or anything like that.
When she’s been bad at school she has a stern talking to about what better choices she could have made, then she loses her iPad, her tv at bedtime, is sent to her room for the evening and loses getting to go to her activities after school also. It’s making home life miserable because it’s now every day, but I can’t just let her get away with the behaviour because I’m worried it will spiral to what it was before.
When she’s good she earns pocket money, crafting time, screen time, and after school activities and we make a big fuss over her which she loves, although it’s rare now.
I feel like I’m being too harsh on her but I don’t know what else to do. Although it’s not working anyway.
Please help/advise!

OP posts:
Refbuckethat · 14/12/2023 22:39

Talking back with attitude.. or is it just blunt truth?
My DD if asked 'why didn't you do xyz will just say 'because I didn't want to / I don't like it / it's boring'

Refbuckethat · 14/12/2023 22:39

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/12/2023 22:38

Does the Teacher understand that DC with ADHD are often immature so she's probably behaving like a 5 yo but expected to behave how her peers are?

God yes that too. Usually emotionally 18mths behind

thedamnseason · 14/12/2023 22:41

Sounds like everyone around this child needs some education about ADHD and the impact particularly in girls who can present very differently as do girls with autism.

I feel really sorry for her that her school and parent are talking about her in this way.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families General parenting Primary education
Mariposista · 14/12/2023 22:49

So if she has a diagnosis why isn’t she medicated?

Original poster
Helpme2015 · 14/12/2023 22:53

Because we didn’t think she needed meds. She had a really good year in year 2.

I do think probably being blunt yes rather than rude.

Yes I do need educating on it. Hence me asking for advice. I’ve no idea what I’m doing. The teacher said she has experience of dealing with children with special needs though and that she thought these are intentional behaviours. I’ve been questioning it in my brain ever since though, and I’m glad to see other people on here agree with me that that will not be the case, and I will advocate for my daughter.

OP posts:
Reugny · 14/12/2023 23:02

The teacher said she has experience of dealing with children with special needs though and that she thought these are intentional behaviours.

Special needs is a massive spectrum.

You wouldn't treat child who has deafness the same way as a child with a mobility issue the same way a child who has ADHD.

And amongst each of my examples, each type of condition can vary greatly.

Btw under talk there is a "special needs" part of the forum and one of the sub boards there would be more helpful. The threads do not show up on active.

thedamnseason · 14/12/2023 23:18

Mariposista · 14/12/2023 22:49

So if she has a diagnosis why isn’t she medicated?

Not every child or adult with ADHD takes medication.

FizzyWizard · 14/12/2023 23:30

Helpme2015 · 14/12/2023 22:53

Because we didn’t think she needed meds. She had a really good year in year 2.

I do think probably being blunt yes rather than rude.

Yes I do need educating on it. Hence me asking for advice. I’ve no idea what I’m doing. The teacher said she has experience of dealing with children with special needs though and that she thought these are intentional behaviours. I’ve been questioning it in my brain ever since though, and I’m glad to see other people on here agree with me that that will not be the case, and I will advocate for my daughter.

None of the things you describe are necessarily "intentional behaviours" if what the teacher means by that is that the child knows that the behaviour is unacceptable, has the impulse to do it, and then has the impulse control to prevent themselves doing it. Lack of impulse control is literally part of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD. I'm not sure the teacher is right about this.

Smirking is really common with ASD/ ADHD as the child tries to smile in appeasement and doesn't quite manage to get the right facial expression, because they have a social communication deficit, which is a disability not a personal attack on the authority figure.

screaming out in class - lots of children with ADHD have problems with volume control as well as problems with impulse control meaning they don't wait to put their hand up if they know the answer

refusing to come in from playtime - wouldn't you, if you were her?

refusal to do work - look at RSD as a symptom of ADHD, perfectionism and anxiety about getting it right can lead to refusal

singing out loud in class - mine does this, it's a stim, it can be redirected rather than punished

talking back with attitude - again really common with both ASD and ADHD, usually connected to a lack of understanding of social hierarchy and an overwhelming sense of justice, wanting to explain themselves.

All of these things appear to be about her neurodiversity and it would take a lot to persuade me that they are purely about misbehaviour in a child with ADHD when they are pretty much textbook symptoms of ADHD.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 14/12/2023 23:38

I highly recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It’s geared towards parents with ND kids but it’s helpful whenever there’s a problem with behaviour. It will help you to break down the patterns behind the behaviour and help to change things. I’be got ADHD and am Autistic and I think DD is too. This book helped when we were really struggling with DD’s behaviour.

justneedtogetstarted · 14/12/2023 23:47

My understanding is that strenuous exercise can be just as effective for treating ADHD as medicine. So it is worth trying your daughter out with different sports clubs/running daily etc. It could really make a difference for her through the rest of her schooling/entire life. Tennis, boxing, netball, athletics, martial arts, rowing, skateboarding, hockey, football, gymnastics, dance etc etc. Daily exercise could really help.

purpleme12 · 14/12/2023 23:54

Following.

Refbuckethat · 14/12/2023 23:56

@thedamnseason no they don't but I work with a lot of kids and see the benefits. Non Med strategies help but the kids can find it exhausting. But equally meds are not without other issues

Refbuckethat · 14/12/2023 23:57

justneedtogetstarted · 14/12/2023 23:47

My understanding is that strenuous exercise can be just as effective for treating ADHD as medicine. So it is worth trying your daughter out with different sports clubs/running daily etc. It could really make a difference for her through the rest of her schooling/entire life. Tennis, boxing, netball, athletics, martial arts, rowing, skateboarding, hockey, football, gymnastics, dance etc etc. Daily exercise could really help.

ADHD kids generally will need 1-2 hours physical exercise a day. So at high school where no 'play time' as such, yes sport is a saviour

randomstress · 14/12/2023 23:58

Octavia64 · 14/12/2023 22:16

Alongside the obvious - meds and EHCP

Things that might help

Regular exercise
Sensory circuits (this is an intervention school can do but you can also do it at home)
Now and next boards
Wobble cushions (allows her to get sensory input while staying sat down)

You need to be doing this.
You also need to be reading some parenting kids with ADHD books quickly to help you understand what is helpful, what isn't and how your dd's brain works.

LushFloral · 15/12/2023 00:04

Posters are making it sound like it’s easy to get meds. That’s confusing because where we live, GPs have said even with diagnosis they need CAMHS involvement to prescribe.

Myddle · 15/12/2023 00:23

Apologies for jumping on this thread, there's been lots of advice to read up on this. Would really appreciate what you'd recommend we read as have DD with similar struggles

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2023 01:33

Reugny · 14/12/2023 23:02

The teacher said she has experience of dealing with children with special needs though and that she thought these are intentional behaviours.

Special needs is a massive spectrum.

You wouldn't treat child who has deafness the same way as a child with a mobility issue the same way a child who has ADHD.

And amongst each of my examples, each type of condition can vary greatly.

Btw under talk there is a "special needs" part of the forum and one of the sub boards there would be more helpful. The threads do not show up on active.

DD's old teacher would have sworn up and down she was brilliant with children with SEN. And she was with the little boy who used a wheelchair. But DD came home calling herself stupid and regressed months. I'm afraid you have to educate yourself, demand things and generally be a total PITA to advocate for your child.

Sorry, it's pretty difficult.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 15/12/2023 07:34

LushFloral · 15/12/2023 00:04

Posters are making it sound like it’s easy to get meds. That’s confusing because where we live, GPs have said even with diagnosis they need CAMHS involvement to prescribe.

So have they referred you to them to prescribe?

We had a similar issue with Melatonin but got there in the end. I had to make a total pain of myself though and keep going until someone said yes.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 15/12/2023 07:36

justneedtogetstarted · 14/12/2023 23:47

My understanding is that strenuous exercise can be just as effective for treating ADHD as medicine. So it is worth trying your daughter out with different sports clubs/running daily etc. It could really make a difference for her through the rest of her schooling/entire life. Tennis, boxing, netball, athletics, martial arts, rowing, skateboarding, hockey, football, gymnastics, dance etc etc. Daily exercise could really help.

Totally agree with this. Find out what sports clubs you have nearby and see if she's willing to try them.

The Hockey season is on and our local club run a tots session on a Saturday morning which my DC found fun.

fruitsalad87 · 15/12/2023 07:47

Have you considered she may also have ASD? My daughter presents strong ADHD traits and I would have said no autistic traits. But we have had a private diagnosis and she has been diagnosed with ASD. That would explain some of the behaviour like smirking when being told off. I think it's a 50% chance of also having ASD if you have ADHD.

There is a huge shortage of ADHD medication at the moment, so unlikely you will be able to get hold of any. It will also depend on her weight if she is given any as a lot of the meds drastically affect appetite.

I agree with other posters, she can't help this behaviour and is struggling, it's so hard as the school system is not made for neurodivergent children. She can't help her behaviour, she's not naughty she's just not able to cope.

Sturnidae · 15/12/2023 07:51

An ADHD perspective here: So the smirking as she does things is likely because she can't verbalise her emotions in that moment, and so will laugh or smirk as an automatic response, almost like when you're being tickled and laugh, you don't like it but it's your automatic response to being tickled. It's really common in nd children to laugh in situations that they are struggling with. I still do it now as an adult.

Your poor DD though, I'm glad you'll stop the punishments at home, but she needs support in school and her teacher is awful. You need to push for her need of a one to one and get her ehcp sorted. Also see if meds are an option, they could be life changing for her! If one doesn't work there are other options too so don't be fobbed off.

Also, screen time could be regulating for her, so by removing it at home you could be exacerbating things.

And like others said, strenuous exercise helps. My two need outside time and running around daily. Neither will join clubs frustratingly, but we do go to a free play gymnastics session which is great, and spend a lot of time at the park or walking.

LushFloral · 15/12/2023 07:53

Siouxsie Yes we have recent referral (from school because GP said school responsibility), but been told to expect no action for months. Some kind of triage cal then waiting list. GP want directions from CAMHS before prescribing.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 15/12/2023 07:55

Myddle · 15/12/2023 00:23

Apologies for jumping on this thread, there's been lots of advice to read up on this. Would really appreciate what you'd recommend we read as have DD with similar struggles

When I was beginning to realise that DS might have ADHD and struggling I started of by looking at How to ADHD. She gives some very clear strategies on dealing with different situations and is engaging.

A few posters have already mention the book The Explosive Child which is good for strategies to help with the behaviour.

BoPeepsSheep · 15/12/2023 08:02

I was also going to suggest looking at a Co-existing ASD.

You will unfortunately struggle to get her medicated right now due to a shortage of meds. Doctors are not allowed to prescribe for children who are not already on meds, and those on meds can only get 30 days supply instead of 3 months. It’s a form of rationing what medication is available to keep it circulating around people who are already titrated and stable.

hopefully the shortage will end soon but there’s a backlog of people waiting to be medicated.