Severe anxiety regarding photos of my children

[Triedeveryusernameunderthesun]

Hi, please tell me I am not alone feeling like this! It's really hard to explain fully, but the jist is, I cannot cope with anyone taking photos or having photos of my children, in any way, especially tech based or via social media. This includes family and the school. I have been made to feel by the school, that I am the only parent who does not want their children plastered all over social media, or (how I see it), 'used' for school advertising purposes, on FB, YouTube etc. I take photos for memories, but due to how severe my anxiety is, I cannot decide how to safely store and print them. Currently I am using an external HD, but long term I worry in years to come if they will be ok! So I really want to tackle this asap and feel confident that my treasured memories are safe. I am really worried and uncomfortable at the thought of using an online printing company, as they will naturally view and store the photos. Equally, I feel overwhelmed by the idea of printing at home (which I would prefer) because of the amount of printers available (I have researched so many) and of course the costs involved with ink, paper etc. I feel stuck and trapped by my anxiety and unable to move forward and enjoy photos of my children.

Do you have other things you feel this anxious about? I would say it's reasonable to be concerned about how the school would use photos etc but I think the way you're feeling in general is quite extreme. Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety to try to get to the bottom of it?

I think the only pics for you should be for your own family keepsakes. Keep them in a couple of ways with a backup, as a simple usb can get corrupted.

Nobody on the cloud or printing company is taking a morbid interest in your kids, they are one out of millions and they are just not important as individuals.

You are not famous? They are clothed children? Don’t worry and you are a sensible and caring parent not to want them on SM.

I was always and still am hyper vigilant around my dc, some thought I was OTT, I didn’t care.

Enjoy your life with dc, they grow up so quickly. Take care x

The school are wrong if they're pressuring you. They shouldn't be putting any child's image or name online without consent. There are always families who withhold consent for a variety of reasons.

What is the concern you have? Is there a background like DV, adoption, where you are concerned someone may identify your child from a photo on social media? So a rational concern, understandable to most people. Or is it a more theoretical concern about images being manipulated for abuse material? Very low likelihood but a real thing. Or is it an amorphous concern you can't actually pinpoint, which would suggest it's more along the lines of an irrational fear that you struggle to deal with?

As someone who just spent over $1,000 to have an external hard drive full of sentimental photos recovered after the drive failed, I STRONGLY urge you to backup those sentimental photos. I’m going to assume you wouldn’t be comfortable sending a failed drive off to a data recovery company either, so I’m truly begging… print those photos, upload them to the cloud, put them on a secondary backup drive, all simultaneously! I understand your reluctance on having photos printed in a way, but I can promise you that particularly in the busy Christmas season no one is looking at your prints - they’re chucking them in envelopes ASAP, and I’d imagine an online printing service is even more automated/less human interaction. You can also have an online service delete your account after you’re done uploading and printing! Or, you can visit a place with a self-service kiosk and have them loaded directly from your phone or USB drive and picked up moments later.

Whatever you do, don’t depend on a single hard drive. Please.

I don’t have social media and therefore never consent to photos of my child being posted online! They shouldn’t make you feel bad. Stick to your guns

Oh how I cried when I lost about 3 months of photos on my phone that weren’t backed up! All your photos are at risk. I think you should be proactive to try and tackle this.

Can you afford some low cost counselling (CBT) to try and confront this fear? Libraries also have excellent cognitive behavioural therapy books you can borrow for free.

I think it sounds but like a phobia and some kind of exposure therapy might be recommended. Basically you do something at the very edge of your comfort level and work up from there.

Eg take a photo of the back of your child’s head, at a distance, on someone you love and trust’s phone (and who is aware and can support you - this will also help). Next week, the back of their head up close. Week after that, get a photo of your child’s foot, in a shoe, printed out from a shop. Work up from there. That sounds pretty mad but I got over my terrible fear of public speaking by doing it regularly in a supportive place (and also having CBT).

All much easier with a therapist but as I said, libraries also have free resources.

My children’s school have made me feel the same for not wanting photos online. They often put them online anyway without my consent. I don’t know what the answer is, but the fact the school doesn’t respect my wishes makes my anxiety around my DCs photos worse.
I’m also trapped in a situation where I don’t know what to do with my photos and am scared of using online companies incase they get lost in the post or delivered to the wrong address and not given back. That’s also based in reality because I’ve ordered personalised cards with my DCs photos on and I’ve had several never get delivered to me. It’s a horrible feeling. So I no longer do that either anymore. It’s like being trapped in a vicious circle.

Hi thank you all so much for your replies. I am sorry it's taken me so long to respond. You wouldn't believe my luck! I literally just sat and replied, only for the site to crash and lose my entire reply!!! So I will have to type it again and re-post it. I just thought I would let you know, so you don't think I am being rude, because I really do appreciate your replies.

You have to somehow face the issue of not bearing anyone else to have photos because trust me by the time you have a teenager hundreds of photos are taken in a week, they will be on multiple phones and sent via snap. Even in year 6 photos are tsken

Right, I need to try and remember everything I said now! I'll have to summarise because I wrote a lot. Maybe that's why it crashed! I have suffered with anxiety in general for most of my adult life, but it took over once I became a mum. I have exhausted options for support. I'm not famous thank god lol, my worst nightmare being on social media! Yes kids are clothed, definitely underwear. Perhaps no top (DS), but always with underwear on. The school put so much pressure on me. They basically said 'this is how we do things, either agree to it, or miss out on seeing what your kids get up to at school'. I had to fight and have meetings, to get them to agree alternatives. No DV. It's something that has crept up on me and taken hold massively! Linked to, trust issues, recurrent mc, the world is a horrible evil place, not knowing where my photos end up, who's looking at them, will they make copies or do anything dodgy etc, it just freaks me out. I worry about paedophiles definitely. It was on the news today about FB! Sorry to hear about your HD! That's heartbreaking! It's is a huge worry for me. That's why I really want to print them and put them into albums, but I have hundreds of photos and I'm too scared to print them. No consent means no consent and I would remove my kids from the school if they breach that rule! 100%. X

I agree. I know this is the inevitable and it only makes my anxiety worse. I have a genuine fear for my kids safety and also a fear of losing control over their safety. I think the world has gone tech and social media mad. It's like kids are all brain washed now and I don't want that for mine. It makes me feel sick and really genuinely terrified.

Again OP how are you going to cope when they get that consent to themselves because it is literally hundreds - being too scared to print them and removing from school for a breach (even if it is bad) isn’t healthy

With kindness, you need to let this go. Seek some therapy if you need to, in this day and age with cellphones and social media (facial recognition!) you're fighting a losing battle.

You have a mental health problem in this regard. I think you must know that.

It's entirely reasonable not to want others to put your children's photos on SM if that's what you want. But your fears about getting your photos printed and backed up is entirely irrational. As is not letting your family take photos of your children.

This level of anxiety and obsessive thoughts really needs addressing, so please see your GP, or if you can afford it, get some private therapy. You need to be psychologically healthy for your children.

Sorry I missed that you had replied - you are I think right a little with the tech and social media but with having a teenager you can’t stop or avoid it simply teach them good practice as to how to handle it and what to do wit h photos (don’t send them or post what you don’t what to be permanently there). You have to teach them because in a way you are right - the problem is unless you get a grip on this your anxiety will leave them without a good model to be able to base it upon

Why is this limited to photographs and not to people on the street looking at your children?

Schools should be used to children not having permission for their photos to be shared publicly. It is routine for childre in care to not have their photos shared

However, that being said you need to get some support for your anxiety. If not your child won't be able to go to birthday parties, play in sport clubs, join drama productions, family Christmas and other celebrations etc as you'll be a nervous wreck and they are all places it's likely theyll be in photos even if it's in the background and your children shouldn't miss out for your anxiety.

I say that as a child who had a paranoid and anxious parent and missed out massively. My parent didn't get proper help until I was an adult and is a completely changed person and enjoying life so much more.

Put your photos on a usb key. Walk into snappy snaps and you can print from your usb key directly to proper photo paper. The photos are never stored in their system, they stay in the usb key.

And buy a second hard drive to back things up.

Better still, subscribe to something like backblaze which is a digital insurance policy. You pay £50 per year to have stuff back up in fully encrypted format to a server in California. So it is safe in case your house is burglar end or burns down.

I have asked for support many times. I have zero support at home. Everything I have been through has really impacted my mental health. I have tried so many times to talk to DH. He's not interested and just laughs. I agree there is an element of being irrational, but I do also feel that a lot of it is very real. The world is a horrible place these days! I just want to protect my children. It is extreme, I do know that. But it comes from a lack of trust in people as well. People not respecting my feelings.

You need some support around this and it's an unreasonable amount of anxiety. What exactly is it that you are worried about? You really need to articulate this and address it.

Yes, there are procedures around not sharing kids on social media etc but they are designed for kids where there is an actual danger to that child by their picture being shared, kids in care, adopted, dangerous absent patent etc, not just their parents have some abstract fear about their child image.

You will protect your kids more by addressing your anxiety than worrying about where their photo is shared.

Your anxiety sounds extreme. Have you had therapy at all? Your last post had an interesting point about people not respecting your feelings and I wonder if this is somehow a control thing. I really recommend giving CBT a try, cut out caffeine, get plenty of exercise and eat healthy. Caffeine makes anxiety worse a day exercise and eating healthy helps it improve but therapy will help you address the root cause of your anxiety

I mean this kindly, but the path you are on will put your children in far more danger when they're older than you think they're in now. They won't trust you, they'll lie to you - all to protect you and make sure they're not responsible for your considerable anxiety.

Please make an appointment with your GP, or seek some counselling privately. An irrational parent is not a good parent. And I'm sure you'd prefer to be a good parent.

i think you have severe anxiety and need to see a mh specialist. this isn't rational or normal

It’s OK to want no photos of your kids on SM, but your anxiety sounds out of control.

Like previous posters, I suggest CBT.

In the meantime, you could consider looking into a traditional film-based camera; it’s still possible to buy film-based cameras and camera film and get this developed in some places (because some serious photographers apparently prefer this). If you can get these printed and keep the copies and negatives yourself, it might help you have more of a sense of control over this issue. It’s a shame to not be able to develop any photos of your kids while you try to get over this issue.

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