DH says DS is too clingy and we need to ‘fix’ it but I think it’s normal

[Goleftorgoright]

Have had a pretty stressful day. Took DS 2.5 to a Christmas market with DH and the in laws. All was okay till we went to a cafe. Bit of background. It was pissing it down with rain. We didn’t take DS’s pram as DH thought we’d try an outing without it. DS wasn’t interested in the market stalls. He wanted to stay with me but wander around. I feel this is perfectly normal. I didn’t expect to be able to look round stalls. We just went to do something Christmassy. DS liked the music and the rides and just enjoyed wandering about.

I was fine but DH found it stressful as DS wanted to stay with me and no one else. The stress bit for me came when we went to a cafe. DS was tired and whingey by this point. We ordered DS something to eat and the adults had coffees/cake.

Knowing DS was tired I didn’t mind DS sitting on my knee in the cafe, I was of the mindset of doing whatever was easiest for him to get his lunch and us to get home for his nap with minimum fuss. I wasn’t fussed about eating my cake straight away as I knew DS would want the cake over his lunch. I was happy to sit with DS with his books while he ate his lunch and I drank my coffee and share the cake with DS after.

My in laws and DH with good intentions tried to help. FIL cutting up DS food to feed it to him. MIL trying to get DS to sit on the chair between us instead of my knee, asking if I wanted MIL and DH to swap seats so DH could help DS with his lunch and I could eat my cake.

Of course DS started to scream/cry when these things were tried as he was happy sitting with me and wanted to eat certain bits of food first but FIL was giving him other bits. I had to say over and over that I was fine and DS was fine as he was.

Afterwards DH has sais he is frustrated as DS wants me all the time and I didn’t need to be a martyr and we need to do something about DS being so clingy to me.

I’ll admit, I do find it suffocating sometimes but I have been telling myself it is just normal toddler behaviour and he will grow out of it. I don’t know how you are supposed to ‘fix’ this. I felt fine in the cafe. I just wanted a quick lunch stop with as little drama as possible and all the fussing made it harder.

I’m trying to understand DH’s viewpoint, DS loves DH but if we are both there I am the one he wants most. If he is tired he wants me to put him to bed over DH or me to go in if he wakes in the night but it’s not like I can’t go out for a night out. I just go and DH does the bedtime. DS might have a whinge but then he is fine. I think DH feels that if he didn’t want me so much we could share things out. It does mean that when the three of us are home he does more of the other things in the house but when DS is out I get bits done so it isn’t like I don’t do any housework. It is probably evenly split but DH cooks more and I do the bed time/bathtime more.

Has anyone had a similar issue? Should we be doing things differently? Interested to hear other views as I feel it is normal for a toddler

The business in the cafe sounds normal for a tired toddler

But if it’s a more regular thing of your DH not being able to comfort him, he probably needs to do more of it.

I think you need to start getting your DS used to DH doing things.

I think I agree with your husband

How much does your husband participate the rest of the time? Does split the child care 50/50 or does he just expect to be preferable to a two and a half year old if he doesn't actually do very much with him?

I agree with you that when a toddler is tired and hungry, that is not the time to push something new on them. They should have left you and DS alone.

I also think they have a point that the path you are on with DS could create issues long term especially in terms of fairness. You and DH do need to gently, when he is not tired/hungry/upset begin coparenting him more equally. DS should be happy to be with either your or his Dad.

I would suggest that your DH gradually do several bath/bedtimes each week and in return you cook a few nights a week. I think at home, start by the three of you playing together and then working to your DH having as much one on one time with DS as you have.

It is manageable now, but what if you have another child? Or your work gets more demanding? Your DS should feel equally happy with either of you.

Also your in-laws sound really annoying. It's fine asking if someone would like some help but if the answer is no then that's the answer. They shouldn't keep pushing and interfering.

I’m with your DH. Sounds like anxious attachment. Not healthy for the child or you. I’d take a step back and make DH be more involved.

In a busy cafe with a tired toddler is not the timetable start trying to change things!!

If there is anyone on this planet that a child should be attached to, what is wrong with it being its mother? I don’t get it what he thinks he needs to ‘fix’? Is he jealous?
Busy, tired, overstimulated, hungry, out if routine… your son is fine. Your husband needs to find empathy for HIS CHILD and read up on attachment.

I think the whole cafe thing is normal toddler behaviour. DS getting a bit hungry and tired and didn’t need everyone sticking their oar in. I’d have been irritated at the ILs.

However, you’d be wise to sometimes just let DH do things with DS. Like even this outing (or similar) let DH and his parents take DS out for the morning so he gets used to doing things with other people.

Sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me. I'd be a bit pissed off with everyone interfering and upsetting the child when I had the situation under control. He's still a baby and if you are the main caregiver it's natural that he wants you.

I think it’s OP that should read up on attachment. A child so overly attached to its mother that other family members struggle to get involved is not healthy for development.

He's 2.5 and tired. He's designed to be clingy like this for his own safety- imagine how vulnerable toddlers would be if you could leave them with anyone and they were cool with it.

Your ILs sound annoying and if DH wants a better relationship with his son, he needs to do more childcare when you aren't there. But being 2.5 DS will still want his mum best.

The child is two and a half! It's very normal to be more attached to his mother!

I would imagine that as he grows and you all have different experiences at home and out of the house that he will gradually and naturally become more attached to his dad. Unless his dad is not so approachable or patient etc.

A two and a half year old at a Christmas market - I think your dh has unrealistic expectations.

It sounds like normal 2.5 year old behaviour.
When they're tired and want their Mum it's the wrong time to start trying new things.

However, if this is part of a pattern of behaviour then you really need to make sure that DH is doing more to be involved and able to settle him.

There's a very real danger at this age that the idea of Mum as Default Parent is established and then mums end up annoyed over the years that they're the default settled and go to parent when they've reinforced that behaviour.

I’m really surprised by these responses! Both my DC were like this; my older one is 5 now and is fine with my DH but probably still wants me more when she’s tired or upset. Youngest DC is very much always wanting me; would be fine if I wasn’t there but preference is me. Most DC I know are like this at that age

I would say 99% of children prefer their mother as the default parent (if we’re talking mum & dad type families).

it’s totally normal, healthy, and absolutely not something you have to fix. If he’s happy enough to interact with others but just prefers you, so what? You’re his mum.

I can understand why dads / men get a bit arsey about this but your DH is not helping saying you’ve “got to do something about it”. Your child is 2.5, quite simply he is dependent on you for everything. What does your DH want him to do, take himself off down the local park on his own.

I think this is just something some (dads) do when they are frustrated and embarrassed when their attempts to help don’t work on tired toddlers.

All sounds completely normal to me, this is a baby we are talking about not a 12 year old with cognitive ability 🤣
I have always made DH do his share whether DC like it or not (bed times, outings, pick ups etc) but they still prefer me and would rather sit on my knee in a situation like you described

I think your husband is right - it's not ideal for anyone, and especially bad for your son himself, to be overly dependant on one care giver. A confident happy child will ideally be ready to accept comfort and support from a range of trusted adults, though obviously individuals differ to some extent.

Make a plan with your husband - it may initially mean toughing It out with your toddler being a bit upset, but in the long run all will benefit. If possible ask the grandparents to have him for a day/an evening sometimes too, if all feel comfortable with that? It will be massively beneficial for everyone, your son most of all, if he is comfortable to accept care from his grandparents.

Good luck!

Also, 2.5 yo at a Christmas market, without a pram back up? Absolute madness OP sorry! Pram back up for these types of things for at least another year!

it sounds like a tricky day and he’s just venting

If DH wants to change his relationship with DS, what is DH going to do about it?

the day was utterly unsuitable to a 2.5 year old

it. DS wasn’t interested in the market stalls

well knock me down with a feather! 😂

From his point of view, he was taken to a crowded place where most people were twice his height. There were loads of shiny things he couldn't have junk food he couldn't eat and people taking over his food. Of course it is normal that he wasn't happy! Completely normal for small children to want comfort from one person too. My eldest was glued to me when small and is now perfectly able to go off with other people at 8.