DH says DS is too clingy and we need to ‘fix’ it but I think it’s normal

[Goleftorgoright]

Have had a pretty stressful day. Took DS 2.5 to a Christmas market with DH and the in laws. All was okay till we went to a cafe. Bit of background. It was pissing it down with rain. We didn’t take DS’s pram as DH thought we’d try an outing without it. DS wasn’t interested in the market stalls. He wanted to stay with me but wander around. I feel this is perfectly normal. I didn’t expect to be able to look round stalls. We just went to do something Christmassy. DS liked the music and the rides and just enjoyed wandering about.

I was fine but DH found it stressful as DS wanted to stay with me and no one else. The stress bit for me came when we went to a cafe. DS was tired and whingey by this point. We ordered DS something to eat and the adults had coffees/cake.

Knowing DS was tired I didn’t mind DS sitting on my knee in the cafe, I was of the mindset of doing whatever was easiest for him to get his lunch and us to get home for his nap with minimum fuss. I wasn’t fussed about eating my cake straight away as I knew DS would want the cake over his lunch. I was happy to sit with DS with his books while he ate his lunch and I drank my coffee and share the cake with DS after.

My in laws and DH with good intentions tried to help. FIL cutting up DS food to feed it to him. MIL trying to get DS to sit on the chair between us instead of my knee, asking if I wanted MIL and DH to swap seats so DH could help DS with his lunch and I could eat my cake.

Of course DS started to scream/cry when these things were tried as he was happy sitting with me and wanted to eat certain bits of food first but FIL was giving him other bits. I had to say over and over that I was fine and DS was fine as he was.

Afterwards DH has sais he is frustrated as DS wants me all the time and I didn’t need to be a martyr and we need to do something about DS being so clingy to me.

I’ll admit, I do find it suffocating sometimes but I have been telling myself it is just normal toddler behaviour and he will grow out of it. I don’t know how you are supposed to ‘fix’ this. I felt fine in the cafe. I just wanted a quick lunch stop with as little drama as possible and all the fussing made it harder.

I’m trying to understand DH’s viewpoint, DS loves DH but if we are both there I am the one he wants most. If he is tired he wants me to put him to bed over DH or me to go in if he wakes in the night but it’s not like I can’t go out for a night out. I just go and DH does the bedtime. DS might have a whinge but then he is fine. I think DH feels that if he didn’t want me so much we could share things out. It does mean that when the three of us are home he does more of the other things in the house but when DS is out I get bits done so it isn’t like I don’t do any housework. It is probably evenly split but DH cooks more and I do the bed time/bathtime more.

Has anyone had a similar issue? Should we be doing things differently? Interested to hear other views as I feel it is normal for a toddler

My 2.5yo is more attached/clingy than any of his older siblings were, but it’s equally distributed between myself and DH. DH does his full fair share of parenting though, does yours, or does he not and was embarrassed in front of his family that your son clearly prefers you as you do all the work? I agree in theory with your DH but if you are the main one caretaking then of course DC will only want you.

Sounds like a typical 2.5 year old (no interest in market stalls and preferring to wander around with their mum and listen to music) and preferring one parent over another is a phase most kids go through.

Agree this is totally normal behaviour for a tired and hungry 2.5year old. The Christmas Market was both novel and sensory stimulating so add that to the mix.
If DH wants DS to seek him out more he needs to spend lots of quality 1:1 time with him. Even then he'll probably prefer you when tired upset etc.

Son is normal for his age; DH is not.

normal behaviour for tired toddler in a busy cafe to just want mum.

but do try to give toddler & DH more space at home to spend time together so toddler gets used to having just DH. maybe get a hobby or regular gym slot and go out 1 evening per week?

My 4 year old would probably be exactly the same. My DH knows it's because I'm the default parent (work part time, don't work at the weekends like DH does). My in laws sound very similar though and jt would piss me off completely. A tired/grumpy small child in a public place is not the time to start fussing.

If your dh was trying to help with your ds you really need to start letting him or else you’re going to find everything falls to you. I get everyone trying to get him off your knee, both to give you a break and to get him used to sitting himself on a chair

Your husband needs to order and read a great many books on normal child development.

He also needs to ditch the chip he has on his shoulder, whatever jealousy he's feeling deep down about the relationship the toddler has with you.

Usually a remark of the sort your husband has made is a bit of a red flag because it indicates he feels entitlement to a relationship with a young child without putting in much of the spadework that creates the safe space. (Think Maslow's hierarchy).

The stuff about you being a martyr wasn't nice and wasn't expressed in order to boost your confidence.

If your husband is interested in doing the work he needs to do, then he needs to start from the foundation of respecting you as a parent, respecting your intuitive approach to parenting the toddler (for instance holding back on your cake because you knew DS would want cake and not lunch - he calls this 'martyring yourself') and he needs to learn from you.

I suspect he wants to muscle in and do things his way, and he will end up blaming you when his less intuitive e approach inevitably doesn't work and causes distress to DS.

As an aside... The two of you should have gone home after the Christmas market, or should have only met up with the ILs for the cafe part of the day. The plans for the day were far too ambitious for a 2.5 year old.

I agree with your Dh, and this is something you can both work on.

And I'd like to add, the presence of DH's parents was probably what brought matters to a head.

He very likely felt embarrassment when DS rejected the ILs' fussing at the cafe.

Your H needs to sort out his feelings here.

DS does not owe the ILs any special behaviour that's beyond his ability to deliver. A tired and hungry and iverstimulated toddler doesn't have to play nice with his grandparents. Did your H expect this?

DH comes across as a man who is too concerned about what his parents think of DS's behaviour.

He also comes across as a man who doesn't have a great deal of empathy for his own very small child, and otoh is too concerned with his parents' feelings.

Perhaps this is because he is ignorant of child development.

Perhaps this is because he doesn't spend much time in the trenches with DS doing everyday things all day every day with him.

Perhaps this is because he hasn't really separated emotionally from his parents?

Perhaps it's because he has an ego problem?

He is two and a half! It's completely NORMAL! Tbh I think some of these responses are a bit bonkers.

Big hand to you for taking your ds out to something quite challenging to manage. I just didn't bother doing much of this sort of thing with ds at this age because it was a lot to manage. But you did it, and it went OK really, bar a bit of whinging. And you do manage to go out and leave your dh to it at times.

Is Toddler Taming by Christopher Green now completely old school? Tbh it was reasonably old-school 20 years ago when I had ds, but I still found it helpful to understand the scale of the changes they go through between say 18 months and 4 years. And it gave me a few helpful ideas. The central message was 'toddlers don't have common sense; hold on; it'll get easier.' Maybe you and dh could try reading it? It sounds as if he thinks he has a 4 year old.

Excuse the generalisation and amateur psychology, but I ve noticed little boys tend to cry more and be more clingy. I think it is because there is so much pressure on them not to be.

THIS

Completely disagree with pp suggesting an unhealthy attachment issue. It’s totally normal
for a 2.5 year old to prefer one parent over the other! Also, you’ve said it yourself, if you do go out your husband can put him to bed and he’s fine, it’s not like he can’t look after him at all.

Absolutely this . It is healthy for a young child to have a secure attachment with one caregiver .

Imagine if your husband was tired and he had 3 adults fussing over him . Your husband and in-laws created that situation . Your husband sounds very immature.

Few children, of any age let alone 2yo, would calmly enjoy a Christmas Market of all things.

Even I would be cranky and irritable after an afternoon with annoying relatives I don't know well, traipsing around in a crowded market, brightly lit and muddy, nothing in particular to do except spend money on tat. And I'm not 2!

If your dh wants to work on ds's attachment to him, then a crowded cafe after a dull and stressful afternoon, in front of the interfering grandparents, is not the time or place.

2.5 year olds do want their mums especially in a busy environment when they are tired. He won’t still be sitting on your lap forever just like your dh does not sit on his mother’s lap.
just put it down to a stressful day . It’ll be better next year

First answer nailed it.

Also not taking a pushchair with a 2.5yo to go to a Christmas market was just stupid. Christmas markets are not toddler friendly.

It sounds like your DH has Ideas about how things should be - that your DS should be equally happy with any family member, that a 2.5 year old doesn’t need a pram - and he gets annoyed when expectations don’t meet reality. Do these come from him or his parents?

An overtired, hungry toddler is going to be unhappy. In this case, your DS didn’t stand a chance. No buggy at a Christmas market = a tired, hungry, potentially stroppy toddler. Then to try and move him from your lap where he was happy? Recipe for disaster.

I think your Dh wants his child to turn to him more and he has gone the wrong way about saying it, instead of saying I would love it if Ds would choose to sit on my knee more he instead critcises you.

It is normal toddler behaviour however maybe you need to help establish a better bond between Dh and his son. As I was a sahm and therefore the default parent Dh had a lie in every Saturday and I had a lie in every Sunday, this meant Ds got one on one time with Dh. If Dh was popping to the shop he would take Ds with him, or take him out for breakfast or lunch without me. Lots of families tend to fall into family time meaning there are always both parents around and actually one on one time for each parent with a child is beneficial for all usually.

We did alternate bed/bath times so Ds didn't just become used to one parent doing it all the time obviously this depends on whether your Dh is home in time to do this. Every day care, making and feeding Ds breakfast etc was shared. My sons are now 20 and 17 and incredibly close to Dh, I continued to be a sahm all the way through.

Btw I’d ask your DH what he thought should happen ‘in the best world’? Does he expect

• a 2.5yo that quietly follows his parents in the market
• isnt getting over tired from the noise, the walking, the number of people
• is then happy to sit in his chair to eat his cake
• is happy to be passed around whenever someone feels like it - him st the market, his parents in the cafe etc…

Because written like that, it clearly sounds bonkers. Your ds might only 2.5yo but he is his own person. Not a baby that can be handed around. Or a primary age child you can talk to and use reason with.

If that is the case. Maybe he needs to educate himself on what a 2.5yo can actually do.

fwiw I think your ds did extremely well. I don’t think mine would have coped nearly as well as that.

Your husband needs to understand that it will take more effort from his side of the relationship he has with his son to encourage a more even keel and he also needs to apologise for being rude to you when you were doing absolutely nothing wrong taking care of a tired and grumpy toddler.

Up to about 18 months my daughter was 100% with me. At 4 months she was in my arms 23h a day.

From 18 months she has accepted my partner more when in a good mood. At 21 during a child care emergency accepted various family members looking after her for a few hours knowing I was upstairs. By 2 and a half she was more accepting of my partner but probably 90% of the time with me. She's 3y4m now and my partner can comfort her more now when upset.

I would be so annoyed by people trying to take her from my knee in the situation. I absolutely hate it when other people decide they know what is best for my daughter. The whole day sounds ill thought out for a 2.5 yo.

Things that helped my daughter go to my partner more is knowing that I was always there and giving her and her dad time that is caring. She knows I'm only upstairs or at the end of the phone and that I trust my partner with her. My partner takes her every weekend morning and this has helped. I never question Infront of our daughter where he has got whatever situation is ongoing.

OK so I see several different things going on here

1. It was a bit daft to take a 2.5yr old toddler to a Christmas Market without a buggy. - In fact there are 2 things that stand out to me just in that sentence - toddlers cannot be relied upon to find Christmas Markets of any interest, for more than about 2 minutes. Whereas at least some of the adults want to have a look around. And secondly - no pram / buggy ??? Up shot - one bored, fractious toddler - never an uplifting experience for anyone. Could have chosen a better outing to suit the toddler

2. people fussing over said bored, fractious toddler - again no surprises that toddler not going to be hungry, distractable, amenable. Again - no pram /buggy - would have been a good time for a nap, somewhere to sit toddler where he can be secured

3. DH being put out that a bored, fractious toddler prefers his main carer (totally normal by the way). We found the only way to overcome DD only wanting me when tired / fractious / ill was for me not to be around so DP was her only adult available. Of course it may also have been that she matured a bit and was happy with either of us. It also took a bit of persuading on my part to get DP to do this. Get DH to take DS out more often on his own for longer periods of time so they learn to deal with each other. And I'll bet good money after the first trip out without the buggy, the buggy will be taken for the second and consequent trips.

It sounds pretty normal to me - he's tired and hungry, it's busy, it's somewhere new...

Does he go to your DH and in-laws at other times though? My DS (3) is always excited to see his grandparents and is happy to be left alone with them for a few hours, but would want me when he's If he is only ever happy with you then it probably is something to work on - is he happy with DH if he knows you are not there? My DH has DS one day a week and I always go into the office on that day rather than WFH as DS would be fine with DH if he knew I wasn't there, but would keep coming to find me if I was home. Can you be out for the occasional bedtime? Go out shopping for a morning and leave DC with DH?