DH says DS is too clingy and we need to ‘fix’ it but I think it’s normal

[Goleftorgoright]

Have had a pretty stressful day. Took DS 2.5 to a Christmas market with DH and the in laws. All was okay till we went to a cafe. Bit of background. It was pissing it down with rain. We didn’t take DS’s pram as DH thought we’d try an outing without it. DS wasn’t interested in the market stalls. He wanted to stay with me but wander around. I feel this is perfectly normal. I didn’t expect to be able to look round stalls. We just went to do something Christmassy. DS liked the music and the rides and just enjoyed wandering about.

I was fine but DH found it stressful as DS wanted to stay with me and no one else. The stress bit for me came when we went to a cafe. DS was tired and whingey by this point. We ordered DS something to eat and the adults had coffees/cake.

Knowing DS was tired I didn’t mind DS sitting on my knee in the cafe, I was of the mindset of doing whatever was easiest for him to get his lunch and us to get home for his nap with minimum fuss. I wasn’t fussed about eating my cake straight away as I knew DS would want the cake over his lunch. I was happy to sit with DS with his books while he ate his lunch and I drank my coffee and share the cake with DS after.

My in laws and DH with good intentions tried to help. FIL cutting up DS food to feed it to him. MIL trying to get DS to sit on the chair between us instead of my knee, asking if I wanted MIL and DH to swap seats so DH could help DS with his lunch and I could eat my cake.

Of course DS started to scream/cry when these things were tried as he was happy sitting with me and wanted to eat certain bits of food first but FIL was giving him other bits. I had to say over and over that I was fine and DS was fine as he was.

Afterwards DH has sais he is frustrated as DS wants me all the time and I didn’t need to be a martyr and we need to do something about DS being so clingy to me.

I’ll admit, I do find it suffocating sometimes but I have been telling myself it is just normal toddler behaviour and he will grow out of it. I don’t know how you are supposed to ‘fix’ this. I felt fine in the cafe. I just wanted a quick lunch stop with as little drama as possible and all the fussing made it harder.

I’m trying to understand DH’s viewpoint, DS loves DH but if we are both there I am the one he wants most. If he is tired he wants me to put him to bed over DH or me to go in if he wakes in the night but it’s not like I can’t go out for a night out. I just go and DH does the bedtime. DS might have a whinge but then he is fine. I think DH feels that if he didn’t want me so much we could share things out. It does mean that when the three of us are home he does more of the other things in the house but when DS is out I get bits done so it isn’t like I don’t do any housework. It is probably evenly split but DH cooks more and I do the bed time/bathtime more.

Has anyone had a similar issue? Should we be doing things differently? Interested to hear other views as I feel it is normal for a toddler

Totally normal behaviour from your ds . If your dh wants to try more let him but it's probably easier to pick times when it's just you three. Your dh has to be willing to follow ds lead to some extent as well

Your ds sounds entirely normal for a 2 year old. They get tired

I had a lie in every Sunday, this meant Ds got one on one time with Dh. If Dh was popping to the shop he would take Ds with him, or take him out for breakfast or lunch without me

This kind of thing ^

I’d encourage your DH to take your DS swimming. It’s something the two of them could make their thing and also, you wouldn’t have to take your DS swimming

We are one year on from where you are now. We found a Christmas with a 2.5 yr old really hard and a bit deflating! They are so excitable but very very young and get overtired and overwhelmed by all the weird things that happen at Christmas. I think your DS did really well!

I think your DH is worried that how things are now is how things will always be, but it is so so young. Last year we needed a pram, naps, bedtime was hell, still nappies and clingy with me. This year with a 3.5 year old is totally different - no naps, no nappies, excellent sleep, no pram etc. it's amazing and very fun.

There are some theories that sons transfer main attachment from mums to dads as part of becoming children and understanding maleness. That has happened to us and my DS adores DH - he is definitely the preferred parent these days. It all changes fast, so give it time!

Enjoy your lovely little boy :)

So much fear mongering on here.
Its all totally normal, he won't grow up with attachment issues, how do think young toddlers of single lone parents manage ?

My three DDs were pretty clingy to me when they were that age. They became less clingy as they got older. They certainly weren't clingy by the time they were teenagers and are now very independent adults in their twenties.

There is nothing to fix here. I'm surprised at anyone suggesting there is.

The only thing I would have done differently would have been that the buggy would definitely have gone out with us to the market. Mine used it until they were at least 3 as I couldn't be doing with carrying an exhausted child around unnecessarily.

This basically!

Some kids are clingier to their mums/ primary caregivers than others. My daughter definitely was, and I got lots of raised eyebrows and relatives sharing their ‘concerns’. She started school nursery this September and has gone in every day without so much as a backwards glance, and is so confident and secure. Letting her be as ‘clingy’ as she needed to be at the time did zero harm (was frustrating for both me and my husband at times, though he just calmly accepted it and kept on trying/ working on building their relationship and now she will even chose him to do bedtime over me sometimes).

Agreed.

We have similar and. Ocpuld have written this interaction but on any given day it could be me or DH who is flavour of the month.

My friend could also have written this and IMO she does have a problem with her DS as he is not close to his dad at a and my friend always jumps in as "he only wants her".
I am not sure the answer as this has been brewing for 2 years. It's unclear whether her DH didn't want to build a relationship with their child or he wasn't given space/was pushed out as everything he did "was not right" or "not that way".

I think today was not the day to go without the buggy…

The ‘unhealthy attachment’ responses on this thread are bonkers. He’s tiny, of course he’s attached to him his mum!

Likewise the vilification of OP’s DH, calling him jealous etc. Men are usually very solutions oriented so it seems he was trying to solve what he sees as a problem (although there isn’t one and in a couple of years OP’s DS will likely be fixated with his dad) with practical steps.

You reap what you sow. I expect the OP does the lion’s share of the nurturing and childcare. The child is 2 and a half - of course he is more attached to his mum. Some babies are still bring breastfed at 2. All this rubbish about the OP reading up about attachment is bollocks.

It's a phase and very common DS2 went through it recently and was just a koala to me for about 4 weeks god I was touched out by the end of it!

There are things your DH can do to help build more trust with DS though, doing breakfast each morning or at the weekend with him will help, taking him out 1 on 1 or swimming etc.

You didn't do anything wrong with having him on your knee you knew he was tired and it was for the best! A toddler rucksack for us is a godsend let's DS2 walk about when he gets tired he goes in and saves someone's arms!

I'm largely with your husband but at the same time, I don't agree with him acting like it is just your issue to solve. He needs to work at spending more time with DS too and be willing to put the effort in.

Hard agree. My DS 2.5 massively prefers me to DH (or anyone else in the world) the same way that I prefer him!

However, DH can and does parent on an equal basis when he is home (I'm a SAHM), it just means he gets a bit of whinging where I usually wouldn't. Really surprised by these responses. All the kids I know are like this.

I can only imagine how stressed you were when everyone was interfering

I would want to know what DS is like away from Xmas market situation with DH. Clingy to me means he won't be put to bed by DH or play with DH etc.

Xmas market is not toddler friendly. Nor not taking pram when still napping AND to Xmas market. Sounds like my idea of hell. I don't think its a good barometer of DS clinginess

Totally normal ime. yanbu

So so normal I think and also normal that the market/tiredness/rain then cafe was a bit stressful. Your PIL sound lovely trying to make sure you could eat your cake though.

I have a nearly 3 yo and she’s pretty close to her dad although sometimes favours me a little bit generally will go to us fairly equally for comfort. He tends to do everything for her when he’s around as he works away quite a bit. So he has always done all nappies, bedtimes etc when he’s around and I’ll often refer her gently to him if she selects me (not force her but just “mummy has read that story 5 times today, I think daddy would love to read it!”). So she tends to be very open to her dad doing things as she’s used to it being his turn. So I’d suggest you (as a couple) address your DHs concerns that he wants to be more able to comfort your DS more but don’t stress that your DS is too clingy, it’s normal.

lots of quiet time and cuddle time with daddy and book reading etc have helped my DP and DD a lot I think. Rather than just “fun time, rough play daddy” and “soft gentle mummy”.

Exactly this.
To all the commenters wittering about anxious attachment or setting yourself up for issues later - WTF!!

100% normal! Your expectations of such a young child are way off. I don’t know any 2.5 year old who would be able to cope with a day walking around a market with no buggy to rest or nap in. And then to be brought to a bright, noisy cafe and expected to sit on a chair alone and eat lunch while everyone fussed over his food. Just too much and bound to end in tears.

I think your DC sounds perfectly normal. I would have taken a buggy with you to that kind of event.

Re having another child - I tend to think 3.5 years plus gap works better than anything less.

Absolutely this.

Your husband has completely unrealistic expectations of DS.

I think you need to dig deep to get to the root of this problem of his.

This is ridiculous.

Normal toddler behaviour. It is normal to have strong attachment, which will be more apprent when very tired or in new situations.

You went to the Christmas market without expecting to look around the stalls all because you have a 2 year old?

I agree with your husband.
Stop letting your 2 year old rule the roost.

Toddler sounds completely normal to me.
I wonder if your DH was embarrassed in front of his parents that his child didn't want comfort from him? Did he maybe feel that DS behaviour was reflecting badly on him (total rubbish obviously), does he try to give the impression to his parents of perfect father and this day has spoilt that?

Why?

Seriously, Christmas market and a cafe stop is unsuitable for our children?

Tough shit, children have to go along to adult plans sometimes!